XP: Really Struggling

jbasore1123 · January 2015

Ugh, DH and I are really struggling with making a decision about whether to use donor eggs or do embryo donation/adoption. We go back and forth every day and feel like we're getting more and more confused and less sure about anything. In order to try to help us out, I created a pro/con list for both options. If you ladies don't mind, I could really use objective opinions. Anything that I am missing? What would be the most important considerations for you?

Pros of using Donor Egg:

DH gets to be biological father
Can do a “fresh” transfer without frozen embryos, which is typically more successful
Success rate is about 65% for each transfer
Embryos stay in same facility that they were created in- no risk of damage being shipped
If we had excess embryos, we’d be able to “give back” and donate them to another family struggling with infertility

Cons of using Donor Egg:

Closed donor- don’t get to know much information or have a relationship (would the child be upset with this??); No access to half-siblings; Bigger risk of donor falsifying health information
If it doesn’t work, we have to pay all the money again for a new donor ($9000)
Very small threat of being cancelled if donor backs out, doesn’t respond to meds, etc (however this has only happened once in 13 years at my RE)
Don’t know how many eggs we'll get or quality of them until it’s all said and done
If DH gets sick before the cycle, this could affect his sperm and therefore quality of the embryos

Pros of using Donor Embryo:

If life starts at conception then we’re giving already created embryos a chance at life-spiritually and ethically a bonus
Know exactly what you are getting- how many embryos, grades (i.e., how healthy they look), etc
Know more background information of donors before we choose them, including photos of the family
Can have a relationship with donor family so the child/children know exactly where they come from, know genetic siblings, medical history
If transfers doesn’t work, only $2000 to get rematched with new donors
Guaranteed transfer of an embryo for the money we pay (because if all the embryos arrest or don’t thaw, we get rematched for free)
We’re provided information/counseling on explaining to our children their history, parenting issues, etc for 18 years

Cons of using Donor Embryo:

Have to pay for a homestudy (if we move states during the process, would have to do another homestudy)
Neither of us are biological parents
Lower success rate- about 40% for those embryos transferred
No fresh transfer- all embryos are frozen and are not the highest rated embryos from the cycle they were created
Question of quality if the embryos are coming from others with fertility issues
If the embryos were created using donor egg or sperm, would have the same issue of not having a lot of medical information

refeek1 · January 2015

I'm sorry you're struggling. We chose Donor Eggs because it was me with DOR. We picked a proven donor (2x success before me), but I still have not had success. I wish I had answers for you. Good luck.

jbasore1123 · January 2015

@refeek1 I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you. I hope that February is your time.

Mrs.McIrish · January 2015

We used donor eggs and it took 4 transfers before we got our twins. I did have a donor back out mid-stim with our second donor. We also got crappy embryos with th first and second donor (changed clinics after that). So DE is not s walk in the park and the 65% success rate you cited is pretty high-- national average is lower than that. Yes, the top clinics have better success rates so you need to consider that-- not sure where'd you be cycling.

Finding donor embryos can be hard. Long wait lists at some places. A girl on another board had a consult with FIRM and they basically have very few Caucasian embryos and the lots were small. Can be a while to find a profile you "click" with.

Good luck. It's hard to know what to do....

2MamazInSeattle · January 2015

I'll add a couple thoughts. We used donor eggs and donor sperm.

- There is a national sibling registry where parents of donor conceived children can register. It's not necessarily a given, but you could possibly be able to meet diblings donor siblings).

- We got 4 embryos out of our fresh cycle. The first miscarried unrelated to the cycle in the second tri. The next two failed. Our lowest graded embryo is my take-home baby. So the lesser graded embryos aren't necessarily duds.

- It is hard not knowing all the medical info, but you have the big stuff. Also I just simply asked if we could anonymously write to our egg donor, and we've exchanged several letters via our clinic and she's answered any additional questions for us.

- One thing to think about is whether you're cool w DH being a bio parent while you aren't genetically the mom (you are the bio mom imho). For us, its kind of nice that our baby is no more mine than my wife's...kind of an equalizer.

For me, I liked getting to choose my donors. Still, with a proven donor we got 4 embryos and one baby.

It is indeed a lot to think about and doing the pros and cons list is super helpful. In the end, just trust your gut feeling on which path to take as both have good and bad in them.

Best of luck!

chicagobride_07 · January 2015

It sounds like you are really thinking this through which is great. We did donor eggs, as DH wanted a genetic connection from his side. We have one success (not on the first try), but have been having trouble trying for a sibling. GL!

1220winterbride · January 2015

I have DOR. I chose Donor Eggs b/c my husband had great test results and it was important to my DH to have his genetics included. I didn't consider embryo adoption at all.

She was a first time donor and we had success the first try and we have three beautiful embryos waiting if we decide to pursue another FET.

It wasn't easy and every family is different. My one regret/thought now is that I wish I had an open donor so my daughter would have the option to meet her if she ever wanted to do that as an adult, other than that I feel 100% happy with our choice.

stinkerbell6879 · January 2015

Well I am kinda in the same struggle right now as well, but, we have done one cycle using frozen donor eggs, one fresh donor egg cycle and one FET of the 2 left from the fresh cycle. So there really is no easy answer or choice.

Also there are some clinics that do not require the home study aspect, so if that part holds you back you may want to look more into that as an option, but could also be a longer wait time.

Good luck with whatever you decide! :-)

AmCheri · January 2015

I'm sorry you're struggling. These are really difficult decisions and I doubt there's one correct answer. We used DE because I have DOR and cycling with my OE just wasn't working. My husband has no known sperm issues, so the choice to use DE seemed easy. I was glad that my husband was able to have a genetic connection to our child. That was actually an important factor for us. Of course, had sperm issues also been at play, we wouldn't have hesitated to pursue Dembryo.

mm29 · January 2015

I struggled too! I have DOR and after 3 cycles with my eggs and one canceled cycle we decided to seek another opinion. We learned after having Karyotypes drawn that my DH carried a Chromosome abnormality called Balanced Translocation. We were told we had a good chance of success if we used donor egg and my husband’s sperm with PGD.

Following the recommendation, we started out with 15 embryos that cycle and only 1 was chromosomally normal that cycle, and it ended in a chemical pregnancy. After two attempts using my eggs and donor sperm I knew that it wasn't going to work, as one cycle was canceled and the other I ended up with nothing to transfer.

Shortly after of my failed DE cycle my clinic placed us on the list for donated embryos. After the failed cycle with my eggs and donor sperm my clinic had two embryos, which they offered us. I looked at the profile for the set of embryos and it didn't feel right. The male donor had no resemblance of my husband. I cried and cried. I felt so ungrateful, but the embryos did not feel like a good match. I declined the donated embryos, took a short break later inquired about a DE/DS cycle. DH and I are middle class, so financially DE/DS is not the best choice for us since we have to pay 100% oop.

For me, even though everyone we know, knows that we are using DE/DS, having the choice of our donors in the end was very important to me.

My point is, follow your heart!! Good Luck with whatever you decide.

jbasore1123 · January 2015

@mm29- I have BT, so I know the struggle you both are going through. It's a hard road

Strunella · January 2015

We went straight for DE for DS2 and didn't consider Dembryo. We also used frozen eggs because it was less expensive, much faster to cycle, and I didn't have to time anything with someone else or rely on someone else. We were guaranteed a certain number of eggs and at least 2 high quality embryos or the next cycle would be free (I believe the clinic has since changed this policy.) Having said that, we chose an out-of-state clinic with exceptional frozen egg success rates and were successful on our first try. I'm happy that DS2 is genetically related to DH. DH is adopted, so our boys are his only known genetic relatives.

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