Advice for Juggling Life with a Baby

bumpuser10309732 · January 2015

So I feel like I had just started to figure out life with a new baby when I went back to work full time. It's like there are not enough hours in my day. I'm constantly left feeling like I suffered in one of my roles every day.

It seems like DH has also noticed that I put him on the back burner. How in the hell am I supposed to do everything? I can't even remember the last time I did something for myself! It just seems so overwhelming. I go home and start juggling the things that need to be put away at the end of my work day and trying to enjoy my baby for a while (half an hour of that TOPS). Then I have to think about what we're going to eat for dinner/ start making dinner. Then it's time to start trying to get the baby to go to sleep (It always takes several hours). To which I immediately pass out to do it all over again the next day.

Exactly when are you supposed to have time for your spouse and other people? I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong here. Do I just put way too much pressure on myself as a mom? HALP!

pnwlover12 · January 2015

Personally, I didn't have much time for anything or anyone during the first 6 months or so with dd. I went back to work at 5 weeks PP, and every minute that I wasn't at work was devoted to dd or household chores. It is really hard. But when dd started taking regular naps (2x day for about 2-3hrs at a time) things calmed down and evened out. It gave me more time to get the house stuff taken care of.

Hang in there. It will get easier soon.

Jesslynnsell · January 2015

@nicb13 I needed to hear this too. I'm struggling with the balancing act that is my life right now. I think the other thing that I need to do is let DH do more. I get frustrated when he doesn't offer to help, but I'm never asking for his help either. I need to relinquish some responsibilities to him...I think that will help.

ashie0610 · January 2015

@Nicb13‌ is wise. Everything she said.

I also try to make plans only one of the two weekend days and have the day "off" be my prep day while DH plays with the kids. I grocery shop and meal prep, put away laundry, get daycare bags packed, etc. Everything to get us off on the right foot on Mondays.

I'm not back to work yet with this LO, but I found that when DS1 was really little it was easier for me to work very early in the morning and again after he went to bed four days a week so that I'd have Fridays off with him, essentially making a three day weekend. It made me relax more on Thursday nights which was when DH and I could spend more time together in the evening. Not sure if some kind of flexible hours plan is available to you but it was amazing for my mindset when he was a baby.

MuffinMom14 · January 2015

Honestly, I save most cleaning for the weekend. I'll load the dishwasher and straighten up in the mornings before I run while she sleeps. I realize this will not work when she's a toddler and blowing my house up with toys, but I'm making an effort to unplug and only pay attention to her unless she's asleep.

MuffinMom14 · January 2015

And, I don't get the "making time for my husband." We are together, taking care of our daughter.

We are not normal, though. We think spending time together is like, sitting next to each other on our phones. We are happy with that. We are both really individual people, and if we "spent time together" every day, I'd be like "NO I NEED TO BE ALONE." It's not that we are private. I like being in the room with him. But I like to be doing my own things in my own head. I like his company...but we don't have to be DOING something together.

golfingdarwinfish · January 2015

I agree with the wonderful advice from @nicb13

I forget where you live, but what about ordering blue apron or plated for dinner, so at least figuring out meals will not be as stressful. The instructions are easy, so even DH (if he's not great in the kitchen) can figure it out. If you're in a freshdirect area, they also have tons of healthy, fresh meals that take about 15 minutes to prepare because all the ingredients come chopped/diced/marinated, etc...

If having a messy home really grates your nerves (like it does for DH), consider a housekeeper once or twice a week. Yes, it would increase your hh spending, but if it gives you even 30min more with LO a day, and more time to focus on weekends, then it's worth it, especially because it could be temporary while you adjust.

ss265 · January 2015

PP have given you great advice - I would say to just give it some time to get used to your new routine. It also helps to meal plan so you know what you are eating every night rather than try and throw something together at the last minute. The crockpot is also your friend in terms of getting dinner ready. And I only cook twice a week so every other day, we eat leftovers from the night before. This saves my sanity a lot.

As for taking hours to put the baby to bed, I would try and come up with a consistent routine so that you are able to get him/her to bed more quickly. Or switch it up - if you are rocking her for hours on end, ask DH to take over after 30 minutes so that you can have a break.

Your DH is key - get him involved with household tasks (mine washes dishes) or baby tasks like bath time so that it's a team effort to get your LO to bed rather than doing it all by yourself.

Finally, if possible, try and work from home one day a week. It will help a lot just having a quiet house to yourself for the day.

Take a deep breath - it will get better, I promise.

bumpuser10309732 · January 2015

Thank you ladies. The things you've said already make me feel better.

@Nicb13 I know what you say is all true. I think this comes from the tail end of DH telling me he thinks I put him on the back burner when I already feel so overwhelmed lately with things I think need to be done. Then I think dude, you have some really unrealistic expectations of me. Then I go to maybe it's his problem and not mine. He very rarely disconnects. Then maybe it's just a matter, like you said, of scheduling the time once a week etc to unplug and connect in some way.

@SPurp13 DH feels really needy lately and I get that it's hard to share your wife with someone else now but come on dude. If you feel left out, then participate instead of sulking in the corner. Maybe that's the wrong way to say it. I guess I need to sit down and talk to him.

MuffinMom14 · January 2015

MrsBabe614 said:

Thank you ladies. The things you've said already make me feel better.
@Nicb13 I know what you say is all true. I think this comes from the tail end of DH telling me he thinks I put him on the back burner when I already feel so overwhelmed lately with things I think need to be done. Then I think dude, you have some really unrealistic expectations of me. Then I go to maybe it's his problem and not mine. He very rarely disconnects. Then maybe it's just a matter, like you said, of scheduling the time once a week etc to unplug and connect in some way.
@SPurp13 DH feels really needy lately and I get that it's hard to share your wife with someone else now but come on dude. If you feel left out, then participate instead of sulking in the corner. Maybe that's the wrong way to say it. I guess I need to sit down and talk to him.

Well, we are the opposite, so I literally don't get it. My post above probably sounded harsh, but for real, we are not the norm. I think probably it's a normal reaction to have? We do have time together in bed after she goes to bed. We watch a show and eat fruit snacks. I highly recommend fruit snacks.

MuffinMom14 · January 2015

Nicb13 said:

SPurp13 said:

MrsBabe614 said:

Thank you ladies. The things you've said already make me feel better.
@Nicb13 I know what you say is all true. I think this comes from the tail end of DH telling me he thinks I put him on the back burner when I already feel so overwhelmed lately with things I think need to be done. Then I think dude, you have some really unrealistic expectations of me. Then I go to maybe it's his problem and not mine. He very rarely disconnects. Then maybe it's just a matter, like you said, of scheduling the time once a week etc to unplug and connect in some way.
@SPurp13 DH feels really needy lately and I get that it's hard to share your wife with someone else now but come on dude. If you feel left out, then participate instead of sulking in the corner. Maybe that's the wrong way to say it. I guess I need to sit down and talk to him.

Well, we are the opposite, so I literally don't get it. My post above probably sounded harsh, but for real, we are not the norm. I think probably it's a normal reaction to have? We do have time together in bed after she goes to bed. We watch a show and eat fruit snacks. I highly recommend fruit snacks.

Well you are basically one step away from asexual right....? lol

Indeed! I was just thinking today that I really don't feel like a mother...so, I think I might be a robot?

MuffinMom14 · January 2015

Nicb13 said:

SPurp13 said:

Nicb13 said:

SPurp13 said:

MrsBabe614 said:

Thank you ladies. The things you've said already make me feel better.
@Nicb13 I know what you say is all true. I think this comes from the tail end of DH telling me he thinks I put him on the back burner when I already feel so overwhelmed lately with things I think need to be done. Then I think dude, you have some really unrealistic expectations of me. Then I go to maybe it's his problem and not mine. He very rarely disconnects. Then maybe it's just a matter, like you said, of scheduling the time once a week etc to unplug and connect in some way.
@SPurp13 DH feels really needy lately and I get that it's hard to share your wife with someone else now but come on dude. If you feel left out, then participate instead of sulking in the corner. Maybe that's the wrong way to say it. I guess I need to sit down and talk to him.

Well, we are the opposite, so I literally don't get it. My post above probably sounded harsh, but for real, we are not the norm. I think probably it's a normal reaction to have? We do have time together in bed after she goes to bed. We watch a show and eat fruit snacks. I highly recommend fruit snacks.

Well you are basically one step away from asexual right....? lol

Indeed! I was just thinking today that I really don't feel like a mother...so, I think I might be a robot?

Well, you are....one of a kind That's why you rule.

~:>

Heh, I just picked the weirdest faces I could find.

:O) 3:-O

pnwlover12 · January 2015

Purp, sometimes I still don't feel like a mom. I look at Layla and I'm like, she is mine?? Really?

MuffinMom14 · January 2015

pnwlover12 said:

Purp, sometimes I still don't feel like a mom. I look at Layla and I'm like, she is mine?? Really?

Like, especially now that I'm back to work, I seriously just feel like I always did. I get up at the same time, I run, I come to work, I go home, eat dinner, and go to bed.

I mean, I have about a half hour before work with her, and 2-3 hours at night with her. But. The rest of the time, I sort of forget I have a baby?

Maybe it will sink in once she starts calling me mom? Unless she never calls me mom and is like Stewie.

vrj0522 · January 2015

I agree with pnwlover. You just have to giver yourself time, OP. With DS, it was all very overwhelming until he was about 6 months old and then life slowly started getting more and more normal. It takes time, especially with your first, when it can be shocking to suddenly be completely responsible for a little person.

A big change for us was when DS started sleeping through the night. Then all of a sudden we were "free" for the most part from 8 pm - 7 am and we could stay up late together or wake up early to workout. It was nice. You'll get there. Just have patience. And tell your DH to help out more so that you can spend more time with him instead of taking care of everything.

2goingon3 · January 2015

I agree with all of the above, I do what @Nicb13‌ does as well. The only thing that I can offer is to plan meals ahead, and for me, it was such a lifesaver to wake up 30 minutes earlier in order to make dinner in the morning for that evening. Then when I get home with whiny kids, dinner's ready, we can sit and eat together and play with the kids until bed. After bedtime, DH and I hang out, or I'll go have me time.

bumpuser10309732 · January 2015

I really do need to have things that he takes care of. I think with the amount he's gone I've learned to do everything myself and I very rarely ask for help because ouch my ego. I like to pretend I have my shit together.
@Nicb13‌ I agree that men are just completely different in their thought process. I think the hardest part is making him understand how I think. Then he can't understand why I think the way that I do.

Klavanga74 · January 2015

All the above advice...dinner prep in the a.m. Do you have a crock pot? Find some easy recipes for that. Don't know where you live or what grocery stores have to offer but lots of stores sell the veggies already prepped. I've learned through many many fuck ups and fights over the years that I need to be SO specific with DH about what I need help with. If he's needing more of you, get him to take tasks off your hands so you have more time for him. Plus, if you can get out alone on the weekend for a bitm that's super helpful. Even if it's just to the store and you stop for a coffee. You need to recharge. Hang in, it definitely gets so much better.

BreandMikewedding · January 2015

Nicb13 said:
I can totally relate to this thread OP because it took me months after having DS to realize that this was my new life. This was my new "normal" and it was fucking hard! Not being able to do what you want, when you want is a big adjustment. I can just tell you that it gets better. Even when you throw another kid into the mix, it gets better. Kids are so worth it so hang in there.

I agree with this. I think it is harder with your first because it is such a big adjustment to every part of your life and you have to figure out what works and what doesn't. Even little things like when do you go to the bathroom or take a shower have to be thought out in consideration for the baby. It gets easier. I also think it is way easier the second baby and even easier the third. Any stm or ttm agree?

ashie0610 · January 2015

BreandMikewedding said:

Nicb13 said:
I can totally relate to this thread OP because it took me months after having DS to realize that this was my new life. This was my new "normal" and it was fucking hard! Not being able to do what you want, when you want is a big adjustment. I can just tell you that it gets better. Even when you throw another kid into the mix, it gets better. Kids are so worth it so hang in there.
I agree with this. I think it is harder with your first because it is such a big adjustment to every part of your life and you have to figure out what works and what doesn't. Even little things like when do you go to the bathroom or take a shower have to be thought out in consideration for the baby. It gets easier. I also think it is way easier the second baby and even easier the third. Any stm or ttm agree?

Definitely agree. There are definitely still tough moments but adding a second child hasn't rocked our world the same way our first did. It is much easier all around this time.

bumpuser10309732 · January 2015

MrsCunningham22 said:

crawford411 said:

I want to add in that alternative work schedules can be a lifesaver if you can swing it. I work four 10-hour shifts and having one extra day per week for laundry, chores, doctor's appointments, and spending time with Sonia helps a ton. Could you possibly do an alternative schedule or work one day per week from home for a while? Some moms I know work 4 9-hour shifts and one 4-hour shift, then go home and get things in order while the baby is still at daycare.

I agree with this, which is why I am looking for other opportunities. It can get hard when you work 9 hours/5 days a week with a long commute. Besides that practice, practice practice going out with LO and getting used to move around with them.

I don't have the option to do that where I work. I'm tossing around possibly finding another job with part time hours.

slsl509 · January 2015

Having a second kid has been harder for me - not because LO is that hard (other than the extreme sleep deprivation) but because I also have a busy toddler. I only have time to bump because I'm pumping.

I don't have that much advice because I too am getting my ass kicked and wondering how it will ever get better. I know like a bajillion women do this and more so why it seems so hard for me, I don't know.

We also have a cleaning lady twice a month and I don't know how I would get by without her. I would cut lots of things from our budget before that. Wondering how to afford a night nurse until LO decides not to get up 4 times a night.Hmmm.

MuffinMom14 · January 2015

crawford411 said:

I want to add in that alternative work schedules can be a lifesaver if you can swing it. I work four 10-hour shifts and having one extra day per week for laundry, chores, doctor's appointments, and spending time with Sonia helps a ton. Could you possibly do an alternative schedule or work one day per week from home for a while? Some moms I know work 4 9-hour shifts and one 4-hour shift, then go home and get things in order while the baby is still at daycare.

I'm pushing for this at work. I used to work 4 10s, and sure, those days are long (but really not THAT much longer), but having Friday--Sunday off every week was awesome.

MuffinMom14 · January 2015

Also, every time I read the title of this thread, I picture someone juggling a baby.

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