Arguing with your partner...

musicsmysoul · January 2015

While you're struggling with infertility, do you find yourself getting into arguments more with your partner?

My husband and I have been constantly fighting and I think it's because we both are so devastated about the entire situation, plus anxious about our first R.E. appointment tomorrow. There are other things going on in our lives too which doesn't help, but it kills me to think that we're arguing rather than being part of a strong team. Is this normal? We normally have a very solid relationship (11 years together), but this is making me scared.

I think it's tough when the main focus is constantly about having a baby, and the joy to do anything else is just kind of gone. I find we're spending our nights glued to the TV, drinking more, not wanting to go out with friends... and that's not good, I know, but these baby-less blues are hard to get over. How did you pull yourself out of it?

Ann612 · January 2015

I think any time there is a burden or a stress in life, it can lead to arguing. So I would say totally normal.

You both sound like everything is getting to you. I would strongly suggest finding a way to bring some joy back. Is there a favorite thing you always used to like to do together? Is there somewhere you can go to get away for a weekend? Hell, can you just spend a few hours talking openly with one another?

Good luck!

musicsmysoul · January 2015

Great tips ladies... thank you!

deelopi9 · January 2015

I think it's pretty normal too! DH and I one year pretty much argued for over 6 months, almost daily. We've been together around the time you and your DH and accepting IF has been the hardest thing we've had to overcome. Our turning point was talking to a therapist. At the beginning it was a safe place for us to be open, then later, we adapted that safe place in our home. We do little getaways to reconnect when we start to feel that IF is creeping back up in a negative way.

bookworm40 · January 2015

I would agree.. Arguing is def more prevalent now than it ever was. We are trying to find ways around it by just focusing on being nicer to each other.. I bought him the book "What he can expect when she's not expecting" and I bought the book "Taking charge of your fertility" and I found they both worked in dealing with how we relate to each other.

BandM14 · January 2015

I have definitely found that DH and I have been arguing way more recently, and I think IF is the underlying culprit. It adds so much stress, not to mention exhaustion from all of the appointments, medications (for me), and an ongoing frustration level that makes small things seem HUGE from day to day. I have been upset lately because when we first started treatments, it was a huge relief to finally have DH on my side (he had been resistant to treatment until he read What to Expect When She's Not Expecting and lots of long conversations with me), and I felt like we were tackling it like a team. Then, a few weeks ago (I'm thinking after the BFN from our 3rd treatment cycle was when it really started getting worse) shit sorta hit the fan. There was also stress from the holidays around that time, which didn't help.

I finally (last week) told DH that I feel like we are at odds most of the time and that we are tearing each other down rather than building each other up. Us tearing at each other's throats so frequently doesn't help the situation, but makes it a lot worse. We had a good convo and since then I've been making an effort to be more positive. We did some cooking together over the weekend, went out to breakfast, and talked about things other than trying to make a baby. I intentionally cuddled with him on the couch (when normally I would just sit on my side), and he cuddled with me this morning rather than getting up as soon as his alarm went off. I feel like when there is strain in the relationship, you can either try to make the bad go away-- which doesn't always work-- or you can purposefully try to add more good stuff-- which is easier to do, and often results in the strain dissipating anyway. I hope you and YH are able to work through your feelings and put some good energy into your relationship. That will really make it easier for both of you as you start the process of testing/treatments. Good luck!

Remylove1011 · January 2015

osesecret said:

Yes, we managed to buy a house and move over the holidays and go through testing without any arguments (maybe some eye rolling).

I was so proud of us, but then we have just recently hit such an awful funk. It's not even screaming matches, it's just shut down mode. I feel like a lot of it's my fault, because I am definitely hyper sensitive right now and prone to depression in the winter.

I posted about the hot tub thing, and instead of me being calm, I cried like a preteen and told my husband he obviously didn't care that all his sperm are going to die and that the IUI should just be cancelled because he obviously doesn't want a baby. Um, yea....probably a communication fail on my end there.

We are both trying to pull ourselves out of it before it gets worse. Our date night last week (DH's idea) turned into a fail as we both got sick.

I don't have any advice because this part of IF is new to me...but wanting to read others' experiences.

(((HUGS)))

OMG... I am so guilty of this. I've been doing a stupid amount of reading/research on MFI and things to help. As I was reading and telling him things his general response was "that's not true". I also fell into the preteen response. I need to calm down! We're just starting this jouney as well and I think there is some time needed to figure things out and how to respond to this new stress. I'm here if you want to talk. It looks like we're at the same point and have similar diagnosis.

Edit.. I can't type!

BunnyBerry · January 2015

We fought the most (and were the most unhappy) early in getting treatment because we both had a lot to learn about our own take on IF, and how the journey would go, and what the other person was feeling and thinking.

As it gets more "chronic" and less "acute," the arguments are about more serious issues, but they are more clear, respectful, and solvable. Also, DH's ability to deal with my hormone-induced sadness and irritability luckily has outpaced the hormones I take, so I am feeling much more supported and our daily life is going smoother.

I used to be afraid that we wouldn't be able to work together or come to peaceful solutions about disagreements over how to raise our kids, but going through IF is giving me more confidence in us as a couple because I saw how me have made it through a lot of really awful times and arguments.

It helped when I kept in mind that he was much slower to come to the realization of how much help we really needed, and how hard it was on my body and emotions, and how much it was going to cost, and how much he really did want to invest in becoming parents - so he was not able to be there for me the way I needed him to at first, and I had to handle a lot on my own (thank the Lord for 3T!).

theholmanherd · January 2015

My H and I bicker like school children. It's just how we've always been, so this isn't new for us. We have had a lot of turbulent issues on our families and lives. It's helped us hone our argument style and we are much more efficient at it now. We came to the realization that arguments will not lead to divorce. The first few doozies had us questioning it, but now we have an invincible relationship. It's hard, but you have to learn to work it out. Fights happen. It's what you make of them that matter.

musicsmysoul · January 2015

Ladies, your responses have been SO helpful. I'm happy I joined such a supportive board. I loved all the ideas of trying out new experiences together. Will see if I can come up with some new date ideas. It's tough because it's SOOOO cold here. We live in the Boston area and with the horrible weather, all you want to do is just stay inside under a blanket. I suppose with grieving and wanting to kill one another, it's a bad idea to get into that habit.

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