Baby Showers

Baby shower drama

I am 30 weeks pregnant as of today and beyond excited for my baby boy to get here. I will try to make this as short as possible, but it does need a little background information. I am so sorry for the length of this, but I really need advice !!!!!!!

I was married in April 2014 to a guy I have been with for almost 8 years. My mom wanted to do my bridal shower, but so did my (future at the time) MIL because she only has son's. It was to be held at my MIL's house, which is located more centrally for everyone to get there vs. my mom's small house (my husbands family is huge). My mom and sister did the majority of the planning and truthfully my MIL is sort of flaky and did hold up to her end of decorating the house except sending her husband out 30 minutes before the party for a few items. While I wasn't bothered by this, my mom was because she put a lot of planning into everything else. My MIL was also supposed to order the cake, but didn't, so I actually ordered my own cake. To me, the party was such a great time and I was just happy for everyone to be together since our 2 families (technically 3 since my husband's parents are divorced) never get together. However, my mom is extremely judgmental, opinionated, and tends to make you second guess yourself and has a habit of belittling you.

At the rehearsal dinner for my wedding, my MIL planned it, and again a lot went wrong (example-she was off by 10 seats for people at the restaurant) and of course my mom commented about every little thing and at one point was yelling at me in front of everyone because I asked her to calm down and stop making a scene. She ended up leaving before the main course was served.

2 months after my wedding, my husband and I found out we were going to have a baby! This is so exciting, especially for his family. His mom has 3 boys and this would be the first grandchild for his mom and his dad. Also, this will allow the family name to live on his father's side (which was super important to preserve for my husband). It is now January and I haven't heard anything about a baby shower. Personally I get embarrassed being the focus of anyone's attention and I don't like people spending money on me. While yes this is for our child, it still makes me uncomfortable. 

Here is the problem: My MIL wants to plan it and mentioned having it at her house again or possibly at a restaurant. She definitely has the money to do it and/or the space if it is at her house. My mom and sister haven't mentioned anything to me about planning the party until I brought it up today about my MIL wanting to "help out" (I was trying to put a feeler out on their thoughts). Instantly my mom jumped down my throat about how they weren't going to have it until mid-February (I am due March 30th) and that they want to have it at the clubhouse where my FIL lives. My mom also started to tear apart my MIL and how she fell through with her end and she doesn't want my MIL involved at all. I mentioned this was my MIL's first grandchild and my mom has 2, so it wouldn't be fair to leave out my MIL in the planning and my mom didn't care. My family doesn't have a lot of money..actually strike that..any money. Also, I was extremely upset that they would just assume they could use the clubhouse without first asking my FIL to see if its okay with him. When I brought this up to my mom, she in her own words told me my FIL can get over it and we need to stop catering to everyone else. This location is also a LOT farther for everyone to drive to. My family did go through something extremely traumatic this week (my sister's ex broke into the house and held her hostage my family in the house as well..he was apprehended and no one was hurt), so my family is very emotional. I also have the habit of trying to soothe over everything and take on all of the complaining and issues myself so everyone can be happy.

Question- Do I let my flaky MIL plan it, opinionated mom and sister plan it, all 3 plan it and say suck-it up, or do I just say screw everyone and just not have a baby shower? I don't have close friends to plan it for me, so it would have to be one of those people. I'm also to the point of just not wanting to deal w/any more stress and just not have one.

Thoughts/opinions/comments?? Again sorry for the long thread!!!

Re: Baby shower drama

  • I would love to stay out of it. I could honestly care less who comes, decorations, etc. I'm fairly easy to please  Unfortunately my MIL asks a million questions and I would end up planning it or my mom will drag me into this and complain about everyone, everything, and then some. Sad I am 29 years old and having to worry about this, when like you said, I shouldn't even be a part of the planning process.
  • brita7869 said:

    I would love to stay out of it. I could honestly care less who comes, decorations, etc. I'm fairly easy to please  Unfortunately my MIL asks a million questions and I would end up planning it or my mom will drag me into this and complain about everyone, everything, and then some. Sad I am 29 years old and having to worry about this, when like you said, I shouldn't even be a part of the planning process.


    I would either a) let your mom and sister plan it and your mil couldn't be too upset because she has planned both your bridal shower and rehearsal dinner and if she is upset she can go ahead and throw you another shower with their side of the family or b) just be super vague when baby shower stuff is brought up/act like you have no idea what's going on. Tell them they can all host it together and leave it at they.. Like when your mil brings it up again just say my mom mentioned she wanted to plan one so maybe contact her and you can plan together.

    Sorry you are in this situation I do hope they can figure it out without stressing you out or making you take sides.
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  • Yep, stay out of it.
    It also sounds like your mom wants the other side of the family to pay for everything and provide the space, but she wants complete control...that's just crazy. Your mom may feel insecure because ILs have more money, but I imagine this sense of entitlement and bad behavior goes way beyond the shower, and I think you should stop taking on the role of smoothing everything over ASAP. Because you can't.
  • The only advice you're going to keep getting here is to stay out of it. However, it sounds like you are clearly stuck in the middle and it's really bothering you. 

    Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would let MIL plan the shower. It's not really fair that your mom expects your in-laws to cover everything while she gets complete control of the shower. Just tell her that MIL is throwing your shower and if she has a problem, she can call MIL to discuss co-hosting OR she can throw her own shower. 

    As for MIL and all her questions, just politely tell her that you how grateful you are that she is throwing you a shower, and you trust her decision making and will be happy with whatever she does. 
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • VORVOR member
    They drag you into it because you let them. Stop doing that. Establish some boundaries with your mom. Its sounds like most of your issues here start with her. Stop letting her get away with her hissy fits. After her behavior at your bridal shower I would've told her that unless she can behave decently at events like these, she will no longer be involved. Any shit talking about your MIL needs to get shut down with a simple "This is not up for conversation." She should not be allowed to dictate things for you. Get this checked now before she continues this behavior after the baby is born.

    This too. You need to tell your mom to cut it. this is your DHs family and you are now a part of that family. Your mom needs to respect that. She's unable to? Oh well, then you don't be involving her as much in your life. Seriously. She acts the way she does because she gets a reaction that she likes.
  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    edited January 2015
    Wow, your mom has a big set of balls.  To actually say that your MIL shouldn't be involved at all but still wants to use her connection in order to use the clubhouse ?  I just....wow talk about rude.  

    Look, at this point I think it would be better for everyone ( especially your MIL ) to have separate showers since your mom sounds like a bully and MIL sounds like a doormat.  Your mom can do her own thing ( not at the clubhouse) and your MIL can do her own thing as well.  Your MIL sounds kind and considerate and would probably get railroaded by your rude mother.  I know I would be so mortified if my mother treated myself, my husband and my MIL like this.  What person in their right mind leaves her daughter's rehearsal dinner early because someone didn't order enough seats.  What if it wasn't even your MIL's fault ?

    After that I suggest you stay out of it.  If your MIL ask you questions, just say you trust her judgement or want to be surprised.  
  • Is a Baby Shower worth all this drama and stress? Really, think about it.
  • I'm more worried about the hostage situation...
  • Thanks ladies!!!!  I admit I'm a pushover because I hate confrontation (when you have a mother like I do, you try to become the exact opposite and ironically my husband is the exact opposite). I'll just let them figure it out and whatever happens happens. I'm sure there will be repercussions on both ends, but like all of you said, just stay out of it.
  • VOR said:
    Tell your mom to throwba shower for your family and have your mil throw one for her side. Let go of this "were one big happy family" ideal because its not going to happen and clearly only causes stress.
    THIS. 

    Seriously. If it's that big of an issue, have MIL plan a baby shower for her side of the family and your mom do one for your side of the family. In my family/circle of friends, a small shower thrown by each side of the family is more common than one big one. 

    And for the love of God, tell them you want nothing to do with any of this. I had to put my foot down with my shower, and at one point said if I kept getting dragged into baby shower drama I wasn't going to show up to it. That certainly got everyone to leave me alone about it. 
    BabyFruit Ticker

  • Unfortunately if my mom did it for my side it would be my mom and sister. I have no family that lives within a 10 hour driving distance.

    I actually just had a slight miracle this morning. My mom brought up randomly in our conversation this morning that she and my sister might not be able to do the baby shower due to everything going on with the court trial and my sister's ex. Plus my mom's fiance was just diagnosed with prostate cancer. She mentioned just taking a back seat to it all and all I could think was "Halle-friggin-lujah." We shall see if she sticks w/this decision, but it certainly takes some stress away now.
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