Pure Romance

mikrinikki · January 2015

Next weekend my friend is holding a Pure Romance (sex toy) party. I have not been in the mood for sex...but at this point, 4 months, shouldn't I be ready???? Is there anything you have done or tried to make it enjoyable again?

jamjoyful · January 2015

Honestly, it has really been fake it til you make it for me. I am usually glad after things get going but I have no interest.

tamarar5 · January 2015

Yeah, in pretty blah right now. I've hit that post-baby I hate myself phase and I just feel unattractive and not at all sexy. Makes it pretty hard to get in the mood.

That, and suddenly my husband has developed this affinity for flicking my nipples when he's trying to be romantic, and I start leaking milk. I hate it. Makes me want to punch him. Gah. STAHP!

Joycomesinthemorning · January 2015

Sleep > sex

Erika101076 · January 2015

DH is a pretty amazing husband and we had a talk that went like this. Him: I don't always want to do things (massage my feet, get up earlier than necessary, help with LO SO much) but I do it becuase I know you need it, all I ask for is sex. Me:ok!! Lol it's true though, he goes above and beyond and all he wants is to have sex more so I'm making sure I stay on top of that... I'm not always that interested but once it happens I'm glad it did...

Sometimes it's not about us, but taking one for the team lol

chase16 · January 2015

jamjoyful said:
Honestly, it has really been fake it til you make it for me. I am usually glad after things get going but I have no interest.

This. Every time that I've considered saying no because I was too tired, and done it anyways, I've always ended up being glad I did it. Part of doing it for me is "reaffirming" our bond as a couple. One of the biggest things that scared me about having kids was losing my identity as a woman, and it changing DH's and my relationship. Sex and physical contact helps connect us, so I try to remember that.

One other thing: try to do it when you'll be into it. I know I hate weeknight sex when its late and all I want to do is sleep. So I try to get it in (haha see what I did there?) More often on weekends.. Lazy Sunday morning sex is my favorite

SoSayWeAll · January 2015

I think maybe EBF works as a somewhat effective BC by taking away your sex drive and making it extremely uncomfortable.

tamarar5 · January 2015

Erika101076 said:
DH is a pretty amazing husband and we had a talk that went like this. Him: I don't always want to do things (massage my feet, get up earlier than necessary, help with LO SO much) but I do it becuase I know you need it, all I ask for is sex. Me:ok!! Lol it's true though, he goes above and beyond and all he wants is to have sex more so I'm making sure I stay on top of that... I'm not always that interested but once it happens I'm glad it did...

Sometimes it's not about us, but taking one for the team lol

See, I'd take one for the team if I ever got those things like for rubs, back massage, etc.

jenniferurs · January 2015

Since we started dating, I've just made a rule for myself to never say no. And I've kept true to that for the 5 years since (for the most part - a few hyperemesis gravidarum incidents prevented me from batting 1.00). I'm usually always in the mood, but on the off chance that I'm not, like a prior poster said, I just think of all of the things my husband does for me that he may not necessarily be in the mood for, then realize that I'll end up being happy I did it in the end anyway, and then it seems like a no-brainer.

jendem8 · January 2015

I'm in the camp of also having a much lower drive nowadays, but I almost always will agree to it when DH is in the mood. I always enjoy it after just a few minutes.

cdseno · January 2015

It took me a while to work up to being ready, but when it finally happened I wondered why it took me so long. There have been plenty of times when I have said no, but that usually happens only when I can tell H is half joking around and can go without. I am pretty in tune to when he really needs some kind of attention and have no problem delivering. When I got my BFP last December I was actually just starting a bible study on a book about sex. It was so eye opening and really opened our relationship up even more. I started to make more of an effort to not say no all the time and it turned out great for both of us!

SoSayWeAll · January 2015

@cdseno Would you mind sharing the name of that book?

cdseno · January 2015

SoSayWeAll said:

@cdseno Would you mind sharing the name of that book?

It is called "intimate issues" by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. There are chapters about the differences in men and women and our needs, and there are other chapters that get into some heavier issues that can cause issues in a relationship. We all called it the "magic book" because all of our sex lives became much healthier while reading it

Dawn5481 · January 2015

If I don't want to have sex, I don't have sex. If I gave in, took one for the team, or just sucked it up every single time FI wanted sex, my vagina would fall out. This is sex we're talking about, not taking out the garbage or doing the laundry. I feel like this is a respect issue with both parties. FI respects the fact that some days I don't feel like it. No one should ever feel obligated to provide sex to their husband for being a good dad/husband/person. There are other ways to show appreciation and to give someone attention. This isn't 1952. I don't go from the kitchen to the bedroom on command.

jenniferurs · January 2015

JoShan1719 said:

Erika101076 said:

DH is a pretty amazing husband and we had a talk that went like this. Him: I don't always want to do things (massage my feet, get up earlier than necessary, help with LO SO much) but I do it becuase I know you need it, all I ask for is sex. Me:ok!! Lol it's true though, he goes above and beyond and all he wants is to have sex more so I'm making sure I stay on top of that... I'm not always that interested but once it happens I'm glad it did... Sometimes it's not about us, but taking one for the team lol

This baffles me... he helps out with HIS kid and his reward is sex?

Taking one for the team??

jenniferurs said:

Since we started dating, I've just made a rule for myself to never say no. And I've kept true to that for the 5 years since (for the most part - a few hyperemesis gravidarum incidents prevented me from batting 1.00). I'm usually always in the mood, but on the off chance that I'm not, like a prior poster said, I just think of all of the things my husband does for me that he may not necessarily be in the mood for, then realize that I'll end up being happy I did it in the end anyway, and then it seems like a no-brainer.

This one too. When did sex become a duty that you can't say no to?

wtf

It's not that I can't say no, it's that I don't want to say no.

Erika101076 · January 2015

Relax with who you come at.., when i say helps out its because he goes above and beyond...and yes his reward is sex becuase there are a lot of dead beat dads and husbands and I'm fortunate to not have one.. He treats me amazingly and is an amazing father as well so yes at times I take one for the team.... I don't ALWAYS say yes but I don't want to turn him down either... Not because I can't but because I don't want to...@JoShan1719

jamjoyful · January 2015

Let me clarify. I fake it til I make it but I also say no. Sex isn't a reward. He better be helping with the kids because that's his damn job as a parent. Even if he went above and beyond, so do I. I'm not getting rewarded with naps and chocolate for parenting.

Dawn5481 · January 2015

I want to be given a glass of wine every time I change a diaper.

Erika101076 · January 2015

I get naps, baths, foot and back rubs, massages booked.... I think he should help too, it is his job as a parent but I also feel lucky to be treated the way I am and I enjoy sex with him... Like I said I don't always say yes and there are times I do it without being in the mood yet but quickly am happy I did

shortermommy · January 2015

Love it @Dawn5481‌ and @JoShan1719‌ you literally took the words right out of my mouth!

I don't give it up because DH helps with DS... Oh suck it up buttercup, that's PARENTING! Unwanted sex is u pleasurable for me therefore it is u pleasurable for DH!

Erika101076 · January 2015

I completely understand we are all very different but strong women non the less... I have old fashion and religious beliefs that it's my duty to satisfy my husband... The bible reiterates that a woman should be there for her husband... Not saying everyone should think this way but it's one way I think... I'm not saying people need this to have a happy marriage because I am sure many of you are extremely happy and don't think this way....

We all have different opinions and I'm ok w that, just don't need to be put down for thinking the way I do

And I'm no butt hurt lol... It's all good

jules1614 · January 2015

Not going to lie sex still hurts almost 20w pp. TMI: We use tons of lube and reapply during and usually I can eventually enjoy it but then after it feels like my vag is going to fall out. I had a csection, ebf, and have nexplanon for bc. We use to have a good sex life.

Anyone using estrogen cream? I'll admit it, I'm a little embarrassed to call the Ob which is quite ridiculous after going through a pregnancy lol.

Peedy · January 2015

Luckily hubby and I have about the same sex drive.. So this isn't really an issue.. But every couple weeks I try to remind myself to initiate sex with him because I feel more bonded to him after being intimate.., I've never finished having sex and think "gee.. I wish I didn't do that".

It's always a win, win.

Erika101076 · January 2015

@weeklyplanner‌ lol, thanks

Joycomesinthemorning · January 2015

Now I want chocolate and wine.

SoSayWeAll · January 2015

jules1614 said:

Not going to lie sex still hurts almost 20w pp. TMI: We use tons of lube and reapply during and usually I can eventually enjoy it but then after it feels like my vag is going to fall out. I had a csection, ebf, and have nexplanon for bc. We use to have a good sex life. Anyone using estrogen cream? I'll admit it, I'm a little embarrassed to call the Ob which is quite ridiculous after going through a pregnancy lol.

Are we the same person? I also had a c/s, ebf, and have nexplanon and am having the same experience. I am having a hard time working up the courage to call my OB as well for some reason. I keep thinking it's going to get better and it doesn't.

cdseno · January 2015

I still say no plenty but now I try to say it in a way that is more like "not no, but not now." Men think differently so I found it comes across better for us to offer a real reason for not wanting it. Sometimes I even think first and if I can't come up with what I feel is a good reason then I say yes instead and it is a win win. There are a lot of days I am just touched out and H understands, but sometimes I find "no" is an instant reflex if I have had a rough few days with the kids, but that isn't his fault (or mine), and then I realize after that it brings us closer and makes those rough days seem less crummy. But after 4 months of saying no, H finally told me it was starting to worry him that I no longer wanted sex because one of his stupid divorced friends told him after 2 kids his wife stopped wanting sex and then their marriage went down the tubes. I never knew he was feeling that way though and I was too distracted to notice.

becominggold · January 2015

I don't feel like our sex life is at all connected to what we do or don't do for each other the rest of the time. Maybe that's weird

I also don't feel like we use sex as leverage. We just try to make time for it 1-2x per week because it makes us both feel great!

wandsandwine · January 2015

I try to keep up with DH but it's been hard with everything going on in our home, broken arm, depression, and now me and LO being sick. It's something I'd like to get better at not saying no all the time

cdseno · January 2015

becominggold said:
I don't feel like our sex life is at all connected to what we do or don't do for each other the rest of the time. Maybe that's weird I also don't feel like we use sex as leverage. We just try to make time for it 1-2x per week because it makes us both feel great!

The only time my husband uses sex as leverage is jokingly if I ask him to bring me something to eat from his work. Today I called him when I was driving home because I wanted to stop and get a Coke from him, so I didn't have to get the kids out of the car, and he told me he would in exchange for a bj later. I certainly don't reward him for just being a contributing member of the house. I reward him for just being my husband.

tamarar5 · January 2015

Dawn5481 said:
I want to be given a glass of wine every time I change a diaper.

God, if i did that, I'd be drunk by noon every day, lol!

IceHide61313 · January 2015

:-O

jamjoyful · January 2015

Maybe I should make a chore chart. I would be less tired if he did more chores. Therefore, I would have more energy for sex. He could put gold stars on his completed chores.

cdseno · January 2015

jamjoyful said:
Maybe I should make a chore chart. I would be less tired if he did more chores. Therefore, I would have more energy for sex. He could put gold stars on his completed chores.

I've pretty much just stopped doing dishes. I don't even feel bad about the fact that H works long days and then comes home and picks up after my long day with the kids. I guess I would say it is the one benefit of having a super high maintenance baby. He feels bad for me. Maybe I will start handing out star stickers too.

cdseno · January 2015

Ha, penis stickers! Like 3 penis stickers for a handy, 5 for a bj, 10 for sex?

jamjoyful · January 2015

You are right @JoShan1719‌. Although, I'm afraid to Google penis stickers.

jenniferurs · January 2015

cricketsue4u said:

I usually say yes, even if sex wasn't on my agenda for the evening. I'm always glad I said yes. Also, like PP, I believe I should try to satisfy my husband, to the best of my abilities. I also believe he should satisfy me, to the best of his abilities. We both seek to be selfless in our relationship and put each other first. His needs are just as important as mine.

This is where I stand as well.

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