alternatives to "Mom" for SM...and venting

tinybugsmom · December 2014

Hi,

I need some help with ideas for an alternative to "Mom" for my SD to call me. She doesn't want to just use my name, she wants something special.

The sad part is, she started calling me mom (or mommy) on her own, and she really loves having someone here that she can call mom. When she started calling me mom, we sat down and had a talk about how I am not her BM, and how I will never ever take BM's place. That her relationship with BM is special and important. She completely understood, and knows that I am not her mom, but she likes calling me that.

DH and BM were amending their C/O, and it got really ugly. All the drama I was worried about happened. She threatened to change the custody agreement if DH didn't agree to xyz...... We are having a baby in June, and I knew this was coming. She does this "fake nice" thing and then is completely manipulative. One of the things she *yelled* that must be agreed on is that SD is not allowed to ever call me mom, and if she finds out she is, she will take DH to court and take the kids.

There were a lot of other "I will take you to court and take the kids," threats. Which DH is at a point where he is ready to say, "Fine. Take them." Breaks his heart, really upsets him, but the threats are just her manipulating us.

We told SD last night that she can no longer call me mom. And we were completely honest with her as to why. We are no longer trying to protect BM. We weren't mean about it, just very matter of fact, "Your BM doesn't want you calling me mom."

SD got upset and was crying. She loves calling me mom. For her it is more that it makes her feel normal, and like she has a real family again. And since we are having a baby, she was looking forward to having that similarity with me - she and baby calling me mom. But now that won't happen.

So I was thinking she and I could come up with a name for her to call me. Any ideas? My nephews call me "Titi". Are there any other alternatives she could call me?

Thank you for the time and letting me vent!

JennyH81 · December 2014

My SS calls his stepdad "Stepdad," which has always struck me as odd but might work for your family. Would something like "Mama Jane" work? It distinguishes from "mom" but still is more affectionate than just your first name. Plus, as you said, with the new sibling she would probably like to call you some form of mom like the baby.

FinallyHappy84 · December 2014

Wow...that definitely sucks that BM is acting like that and is constantly making those threats. I agree with @JennyH81‌ that something along the lines of "momma jane" might work. I want to commend you and DH about the real reason SD can't call you mom anymore though...BM should have had a talk with her own daughter to find out that SD prefers to do this with you. Does is state anything in the CO about parental designations though, like SD will only refer to DH as dad and BM as mom?

Ilumine · December 2014

Honey, Pumpkin, a softened up or cutsie version of your full name.

Ilumine · December 2014

Schotzie.

WLJ2 · December 2014

DS calls his dad's gf momma kelley. But jas always called my other half by his name. Would momma (your name) be acceptable? Is taking away the kids something she can washy do? I know here once a custody agreement is set they are very unlikely to change it. There would have to be significant reason that the child should not be with the parent.

tinybugsmom · December 2014

Thank you for the ideas.

SD has tried to talk to BM, but BM makes her feel guilty and bad, like she doesn't love BM if she goes against her. So SD won't try to talk to her about it again.

I am going over some ideas with DH tonight. I like Mama ____. Will see if SD does. I was thinking of even something like Mum. Will see.

Just sucks. There is nothing in the care order about who calls who what. It's all about power and control. I did reading on this yesterday to try and figure some name out but all I read was that it is harmful to demand a child not call a SP mom or dad if the child chooses (unprompted). The child knows the difference between BP and SP. And has nothing to do with them loving the SP more.

It's a struggle with SD already. She is talking to me less, won't look at me most of the time. Very sad.

knittingmom76 · December 2014

A friend of mine has teen age boy SS's and they have always called her Steppie. I have always thought it was a cute nickname for her. She totally rocks it, and it sounds like it should be a shortened version of her name (it isn't). I have always thought it was cute and fun, but not so cutesy that the boys wouldn't want to call her that when they are older and in public.

Claire

nattyncbride · December 2014

WLJ2 said:

I know here once a custody agreement is set they are very unlikely to change it. There would have to be significant reason that the child should not be with the parent.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It does sound like she's making a lot of threats, and you are reacting to them. I'm not faulting you for doing this, but as PP points out, if you are creating a CO, she probably won't have a leg to stand on with "I'm going to take the kids". The answer is "No, you are not, we are both going to follow the court order."

I'm not asking to make you feel defensive. But if you honor her threats, then she does have the power, and I wonder if you have room to challenge those threats.If the court order allows time for your DH, then that's his time, she can't take that away, and your SD can call you anything she wants!

Good luck, I hope things get better soon.

dmndsr4eva · December 2014

While I don't agree with her threats I see no reason why SD needs to call you mom. She has a mom. I don't have any ideas for alternative names. Seems like she can just call you by your name.

The fact that your husband is considering just giving up on his kids is pretty strange. Her threats are empty. If he is a good dad and not doing anything wrong and spending time with his kids and helping support/raise them then there would be no judge that would take the kids away from him.

dmndsr4eva · December 2014

And BTW mama and mum both are forms of mom so I doubt that is going to work.

ambrvan · December 2014

Just a thought... I'm all for nicknames for any or all family members (we have a female cousin we call George...), but I would never encourage "momma ___________" or anything like that for a step parent.

If my H and I were split and he started calling anyone else "momma" anything, I would not ignore it. Likewise, if SD ever called anyone else "daddy whoever" we'd both be livid.

Yes, the child should be free to express love and feel safe doing it. Slip-ups are not a problem and should not be made a big deal about, and expressing the feeling that they see you as a mom/dad is fine. But if they already have a parent, they should not be calling you the same.

shelbutler · December 2014

My SD calls me Shel Shel.

One day she'll grow out of that cute phase and it'll break my heart.

However, I love every bit of it and even BM calls me that to her. Haha.

I hope that things get better for you guys and there isn't so much stress on a child that doesn't understand the anger, etc. from their mom. I also hope you and your husband remain strong and don't ever give up!

ETA: She can also threaten to keep the kids from you - but she can't just go beyond the court without a reason and a provable justified reason at that. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard those threats over the years, I'd have my student loans paid off. You're letting her get to yall too much.

o_so_in_love · December 2014

That isn't a valid reason to "take kids away". My SD calls me mom and her stepdad dad. BM was the exact same way in the beginning until she got married. My DH and her were never married. As long as your SD is being respectful she should call whoever whatever she wants. The parents should support that. BM isn't going to like anything she calls you if its a term of endearment. Double check with your attorney. Explain the situation. But, honestly, she sounds like she's making empty threats and doesn't fully understand the law.

FinallyHappy84 · December 2014

@BubblesMartin‌ they could put a clause in the CO about parental designations but it would be kinda hard to enforce if the child is doing on his/her own, IMO...also OP idk what state you live in but wouldn't DH and BM have to go to mediation before court? PP is definitely right about consulting a lawyer to put petty threats to rest.

o_so_in_love · December 2014

Just because the BM tries to put stipulations in the CO does not mean your husband has to agree to them. He or his attorney can refuse them. If an agreement cannot be settled on in mediation, then it will go before a judge. The judge will always do what is in the best interest of the child. If you have sufficient evidence to show that the child is what is wanting to do this, under no influence of yours, the touch may side with what she wants. Don't just agree to anything because you want this over with or to appease the BM. This court order will be in place for a long time and unless you want to spend lots of money later to go back and revise the CO, which is very unlikely to happen unless there are drastic changes, you want this one to be fair to everybody. This is just my two cents, I am not an attorney, but we did have extensive mediation, we did not end up having to go before the judge, because DH's ex GF was unreasonable and demanding. I suggest looking up standard COs for your state. You DH can request a standard CO, with any additions or revisions you feel are necessary. The judge will most likely order a standard CO unless there are extenuating circumstances.

cole2144 · December 2014

If the child`s parent is actively involved in her life, I don`t feel it is appropriate for a SP to be called mom or dad. I am a SM and have been in my SD`s life since she was 16 months old. When she asked me about calling me mom, I gently explained to her that while I loved her like my own, she already had a mommy and we would not want to hurt mommy`s feelings. She understood that answer and had no problems with it.

dnjmommy · December 2014

I would be furious if my kids called anyone else mom. They have mom. They call my husband by his name and my stepson calls me be by my first name. With no intentions of ever changing it. If your SD has a mom and a good mom, I don't understand why you would want her to call you mom also. Maybe if mom wasn't in the picture I could see it.

twister22 · December 2014

cole2144 said:

If the child`s parent is actively involved in her life, I don`t feel it is appropriate for a SP to be called mom or dad. I am a SM and have been in my SD`s life since she was 16 months old. When she asked me about calling me mom, I gently explained to her that while I loved her like my own, she already had a mommy and we would not want to hurt mommy`s feelings. She understood that answer and had no problems with it.

This. Unless BM is a parent that isn't present or pops in and out of SD life (which it sounds like she isn't) I don't understand why you think you deserve the "mom" title. Maybe something cutsey like Honey, Titi, etc. but "mum" is the same as "mom."

Also, why on earth would your husband allow his ex to "take the children away" if he cares about his children?! If you already have a CO in place BM would not be able to take the children away barring some extreme circumstances like neglect or abuse.

kcbizme · December 2014

Personally, I feel like you should allow them to call you whatever THEY want to call you. My stepfather is "Dad" and my real father is "Daddy". While I'm sure it hurt my daddy's feelings, I consider both of them my dads. With my SD, we don't tell her to call me anything, and she calls me by my first name, which is fine. If she decides to change it one day, that will be fine too. It really is her decision.

nicolerae90 · January 2015

dmndsr4eva said:
While I don't agree with her threats I see no reason why SD needs to call you mom. She has a mom. I don't have any ideas for alternative names. Seems like she can just call you by your name.

The fact that your husband is considering just giving up on his kids is pretty strange. Her threats are empty. If he is a good dad and not doing anything wrong and spending time with his kids and helping support/raise them then there would be no judge that would take the kids away from him.

This.
my children call my husband step dad. I make sure to specify to my children and step children who is who. Its important for them to know he is just secondary or i am just secondary. My step children call me by my name.

nicolerae90 · January 2015

And im not gonna lie...id be upset if my children called someone else mom...but i wouldnt be unruly about it.

ldmessing · January 2015

Mom is a job description, not a noble title The kids should get to choose what they call any adult in their life, as long as it is respectable

idontevenknow · January 2015

My SD calls me "babe". I've been in her life since she was 6 mos old though, and she's now almost 4. She knows my real name

when she is with us, the whole family calls me babe.

jr0310 · January 2015

I'm sorry but I'm a stepmother as well and my stepson started calling me mom the day i married my dh. Bm was livid and told him he needed to stop. He was confused, he was 8 at the time. Now bm has lost all custody and visitation rights, and my poor son has to ask me if it hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me mom anymore. It doesn't feel natural to him anymore since bm threw such a fit 2 years ago. But now, he has nobody to call mom.

If my child called a step parent mom, of course I would be devastated. But I'd also be devestated that I couldn't see my child every day but hey that's the facts when it comes to divorce. Everything should be what's best for the child. A bm getting her panties in a bunch because their child.... A product of a "broken home" feels comfortable enough to call someone that takes care of them just as much as the bm does, by mom, is IMO a selfish excuse. Its a word. As long as bm is a good mother, they shouldn't feel threatened that their child can feel like they have more than one mom. If a mom can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mom?

Nobody said you had to like it, but that's what happens when you make a child and for whatever reason the parents don't stay together.

Op, I'd have your husband fight that. What she is doing is emotionally damaging to the child. I learned early on with our bm that you can't be a doormat.

hopanka · January 2015

jr0310 said:
I'm sorry but I'm a stepmother as well and my stepson started calling me mom the day i married my dh. Bm was livid and told him he needed to stop. He was confused, he was 8 at the time. Now bm has lost all custody and visitation rights, and my poor son has to ask me if it hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me mom anymore. It doesn't feel natural to him anymore since bm threw such a fit 2 years ago. But now, he has nobody to call mom.

If my child called a step parent mom, of course I would be devastated. But I'd also be devestated that I couldn't see my child every day but hey that's the facts when it comes to divorce. Everything should be what's best for the child. A bm getting her panties in a bunch because their child.... A product of a "broken home" feels comfortable enough to call someone that takes care of them just as much as the bm does, by mom, is IMO a selfish excuse. Its a word. As long as bm is a good mother, they shouldn't feel threatened that their child can feel like they have more than one mom. If a mom can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mom?

Nobody said you had to like it, but that's what happens when you make a child and for whatever reason the parents don't stay together.

Op, I'd have your husband fight that. What she is doing is emotionally damaging to the child. I learned early on with our bm that you can't be a doormat.

No, it's not what happens. If you "make a child and parents don't stay together", such child still has one mother and one father. They can and often do love other people in their lives and that's fantastic, however they still have their one mom and one dad, just as before the other person came in to their life. That person will develop their own unique place in that child's life.

jr0310 · January 2015

hopanka said:

jr0310 said:
I'm sorry but I'm a stepmother as well and my stepson started calling me mom the day i married my dh. Bm was livid and told him he needed to stop. He was confused, he was 8 at the time. Now bm has lost all custody and visitation rights, and my poor son has to ask me if it hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me mom anymore. It doesn't feel natural to him anymore since bm threw such a fit 2 years ago. But now, he has nobody to call mom.

If my child called a step parent mom, of course I would be devastated. But I'd also be devestated that I couldn't see my child every day but hey that's the facts when it comes to divorce. Everything should be what's best for the child. A bm getting her panties in a bunch because their child.... A product of a "broken home" feels comfortable enough to call someone that takes care of them just as much as the bm does, by mom, is IMO a selfish excuse. Its a word. As long as bm is a good mother, they shouldn't feel threatened that their child can feel like they have more than one mom. If a mom can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mom?

Nobody said you had to like it, but that's what happens when you make a child and for whatever reason the parents don't stay together.

Op, I'd have your husband fight that. What she is doing is emotionally damaging to the child. I learned early on with our bm that you can't be a doormat.
No, it's not what happens. If you "make a child and parents don't stay together", such child still has one mother and one father. They can and often do love other people in their lives and that's fantastic, however they still have their one mom and one dad, just as before the other person came in to their life. That person will develop their own unique place in that child's life.

And I get that. But the same way that I love my stepson as my own and refer to him as my son, he is able to refer to me as his mom. We have a bit of a different situation because bm is not around. But even before she went downhill, he spent just as much time with me as he did her, and I provided all the things a parent should. Just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I'm not his parent. He will always have one biological mother. If she is happy with her place in her child's life, why would she feel threatened that he calls someone else mom when she's not even around?

I'm a jealous person and I get it. I absolutely agree it would devastate me if my child called someone else mom. But in my opinion, I'd rather my child have numerous parents to love and that love him. Its all about what's best for the kids, and yes sometimes that upsets the parents. But it's life.

hopanka · January 2015

jr0310 said:

hopanka said:

jr0310 said:
I'm sorry but I'm a stepmother as well and my stepson started calling me mom the day i married my dh. Bm was livid and told him he needed to stop. He was confused, he was 8 at the time. Now bm has lost all custody and visitation rights, and my poor son has to ask me if it hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me mom anymore. It doesn't feel natural to him anymore since bm threw such a fit 2 years ago. But now, he has nobody to call mom.

If my child called a step parent mom, of course I would be devastated. But I'd also be devestated that I couldn't see my child every day but hey that's the facts when it comes to divorce. Everything should be what's best for the child. A bm getting her panties in a bunch because their child.... A product of a "broken home" feels comfortable enough to call someone that takes care of them just as much as the bm does, by mom, is IMO a selfish excuse. Its a word. As long as bm is a good mother, they shouldn't feel threatened that their child can feel like they have more than one mom. If a mom can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mom?

Nobody said you had to like it, but that's what happens when you make a child and for whatever reason the parents don't stay together.

Op, I'd have your husband fight that. What she is doing is emotionally damaging to the child. I learned early on with our bm that you can't be a doormat.
No, it's not what happens. If you "make a child and parents don't stay together", such child still has one mother and one father. They can and often do love other people in their lives and that's fantastic, however they still have their one mom and one dad, just as before the other person came in to their life. That person will develop their own unique place in that child's life.
And I get that. But the same way that I love my stepson as my own and refer to him as my son, he is able to refer to me as his mom. We have a bit of a different situation because bm is not around. But even before she went downhill, he spent just as much time with me as he did her, and I provided all the things a parent should. Just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I'm not his parent. He will always have one biological mother. If she is happy with her place in her child's life, why would she feel threatened that he calls someone else mom when she's not even around?

I'm a jealous person and I get it. I absolutely agree it would devastate me if my child called someone else mom. But in my opinion, I'd rather my child have numerous parents to love and that love him. Its all about what's best for the kids, and yes sometimes that upsets the parents. But it's life.

There is no reason to have "numerous parents". How confusing and unnecessary. There are other, acceptable roles people can play in a child's life that come from a place of love. Not everyone that feels like they love a child as a parent would, gets to actually be a mom/dad.

jr0310 · January 2015

hopanka said:

jr0310 said:

hopanka said:

jr0310 said:
I'm sorry but I'm a stepmother as well and my stepson started calling me mom the day i married my dh. Bm was livid and told him he needed to stop. He was confused, he was 8 at the time. Now bm has lost all custody and visitation rights, and my poor son has to ask me if it hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me mom anymore. It doesn't feel natural to him anymore since bm threw such a fit 2 years ago. But now, he has nobody to call mom.

If my child called a step parent mom, of course I would be devastated. But I'd also be devestated that I couldn't see my child every day but hey that's the facts when it comes to divorce. Everything should be what's best for the child. A bm getting her panties in a bunch because their child.... A product of a "broken home" feels comfortable enough to call someone that takes care of them just as much as the bm does, by mom, is IMO a selfish excuse. Its a word. As long as bm is a good mother, they shouldn't feel threatened that their child can feel like they have more than one mom. If a mom can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mom?

Nobody said you had to like it, but that's what happens when you make a child and for whatever reason the parents don't stay together.

Op, I'd have your husband fight that. What she is doing is emotionally damaging to the child. I learned early on with our bm that you can't be a doormat.
No, it's not what happens. If you "make a child and parents don't stay together", such child still has one mother and one father. They can and often do love other people in their lives and that's fantastic, however they still have their one mom and one dad, just as before the other person came in to their life. That person will develop their own unique place in that child's life.
And I get that. But the same way that I love my stepson as my own and refer to him as my son, he is able to refer to me as his mom. We have a bit of a different situation because bm is not around. But even before she went downhill, he spent just as much time with me as he did her, and I provided all the things a parent should. Just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I'm not his parent. He will always have one biological mother. If she is happy with her place in her child's life, why would she feel threatened that he calls someone else mom when she's not even around?

I'm a jealous person and I get it. I absolutely agree it would devastate me if my child called someone else mom. But in my opinion, I'd rather my child have numerous parents to love and that love him. Its all about what's best for the kids, and yes sometimes that upsets the parents. But it's life.
There is no reason to have "numerous parents". How confusing and unnecessary. There are other, acceptable roles people can play in a child's life that come from a place of love. Not everyone that feels like they love a child as a parent would, gets to actually be a mom/dad.

But if the child loves the stepparent and wants to call them mom/dad, I don't see where a bio parent gets to call the shots. A child calling a step parent mom or dad out of love comes from a purely innocent place. A parent telling them they cannot do that comes from a vindictive, manipulative place.

Ilumine · January 2015

jr0310 said:

I'm sorry but I'm a stepmother as well and my stepson started calling me mom the day i married my dh. Bm was livid and told him he needed to stop. He was confused, he was 8 at the time. Now bm has lost all custody and visitation rights, and my poor son has to ask me if it hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me mom anymore. It doesn't feel natural to him anymore since bm threw such a fit 2 years ago. But now, he has nobody to call mom. If my child called a step parent mom, of course I would be devastated. But I'd also be devestated that I couldn't see my child every day but hey that's the facts when it comes to divorce. Everything should be what's best for the child. A bm getting her panties in a bunch because their child.... A product of a "broken home" feels comfortable enough to call someone that takes care of them just as much as the bm does, by mom, is IMO a selfish excuse. Its a word. As long as bm is a good mother, they shouldn't feel threatened that their child can feel like they have more than one mom. If a mom can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mom? Nobody said you had to like it, but that's what happens when you make a child and for whatever reason the parents don't stay together. Op, I'd have your husband fight that. What she is doing is emotionally damaging to the child. I learned early on with our bm that you can't be a doormat.
No, it's not what happens. If you "make a child and parents don't stay together", such child still has one mother and one father. They can and often do love other people in their lives and that's fantastic, however they still have their one mom and one dad, just as before the other person came in to their life. That person will develop their own unique place in that child's life.
And I get that. But the same way that I love my stepson as my own and refer to him as my son, he is able to refer to me as his mom. We have a bit of a different situation because bm is not around. But even before she went downhill, he spent just as much time with me as he did her, and I provided all the things a parent should. Just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I'm not his parent. He will always have one biological mother. If she is happy with her place in her child's life, why would she feel threatened that he calls someone else mom when she's not even around? I'm a jealous person and I get it. I absolutely agree it would devastate me if my child called someone else mom. But in my opinion, I'd rather my child have numerous parents to love and that love him. Its all about what's best for the kids, and yes sometimes that upsets the parents. But it's life.
There is no reason to have "numerous parents". How confusing and unnecessary. There are other, acceptable roles people can play in a child's life that come from a place of love. Not everyone that feels like they love a child as a parent would, gets to actually be a mom/dad.
But if the child loves the stepparent and wants to call them mom/dad, I don't see where a bio parent gets to call the shots. A child calling a step parent mom or dad out of love comes from a purely innocent place. A parent telling them they cannot do that comes from a vindictive, manipulative place.

My question for you then, if titles are so fluid and don't mean that much, WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU GET TO BE CALLED MOTHER or FATHER? Why isn't it vindictive on your part for not being the bigger person and finding an alternative to designate your step parenting relationship?
WHY? Because you know that the title of Mother or Father actually means something very clearly important.

Titles (from parental to those who govern to those who provided the various specified jobs that support have long been an important part of society, whichever society you live in. If titles didn't have an important meaning, then almost every society since time began would not have designated them; i.e. leaders would not be called something special, religious leaders would not be called something special, and parents would not be called something special to highlight their special "job" or place in that society.

A biological mother, unless unfit, will ALWAYS be that child's mother. Nothing can change that, even after death. A stepparent, no matter how much you love that child, can easily lose that title the minute s/he divorces from the biological parent or the biological parent dies.

And given the inherent importance of said title, a stepparent who feels that s/he should get the same title as the biological parent is being MORE vindictive and manipulative.

jr0310 · January 2015

Ilumine said:

jr0310 said:

hopanka said:

jr0310 said:

hopanka said:

jr0310 said:
I'm sorry but I'm a stepmother as well and my stepson started calling me mom the day i married my dh. Bm was livid and told him he needed to stop. He was confused, he was 8 at the time. Now bm has lost all custody and visitation rights, and my poor son has to ask me if it hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me mom anymore. It doesn't feel natural to him anymore since bm threw such a fit 2 years ago. But now, he has nobody to call mom.

If my child called a step parent mom, of course I would be devastated. But I'd also be devestated that I couldn't see my child every day but hey that's the facts when it comes to divorce. Everything should be what's best for the child. A bm getting her panties in a bunch because their child.... A product of a "broken home" feels comfortable enough to call someone that takes care of them just as much as the bm does, by mom, is IMO a selfish excuse. Its a word. As long as bm is a good mother, they shouldn't feel threatened that their child can feel like they have more than one mom. If a mom can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mom?

Nobody said you had to like it, but that's what happens when you make a child and for whatever reason the parents don't stay together.

Op, I'd have your husband fight that. What she is doing is emotionally damaging to the child. I learned early on with our bm that you can't be a doormat.
No, it's not what happens. If you "make a child and parents don't stay together", such child still has one mother and one father. They can and often do love other people in their lives and that's fantastic, however they still have their one mom and one dad, just as before the other person came in to their life. That person will develop their own unique place in that child's life.
And I get that. But the same way that I love my stepson as my own and refer to him as my son, he is able to refer to me as his mom. We have a bit of a different situation because bm is not around. But even before she went downhill, he spent just as much time with me as he did her, and I provided all the things a parent should. Just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I'm not his parent. He will always have one biological mother. If she is happy with her place in her child's life, why would she feel threatened that he calls someone else mom when she's not even around?

I'm a jealous person and I get it. I absolutely agree it would devastate me if my child called someone else mom. But in my opinion, I'd rather my child have numerous parents to love and that love him. Its all about what's best for the kids, and yes sometimes that upsets the parents. But it's life.
There is no reason to have "numerous parents". How confusing and unnecessary. There are other, acceptable roles people can play in a child's life that come from a place of love. Not everyone that feels like they love a child as a parent would, gets to actually be a mom/dad.
But if the child loves the stepparent and wants to call them mom/dad, I don't see where a bio parent gets to call the shots. A child calling a step parent mom or dad out of love comes from a purely innocent place. A parent telling them they cannot do that comes from a vindictive, manipulative place.

My question for you then, if titles are so fluid and don't mean that much, WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU GET TO BE CALLED MOTHER or FATHER? Why isn't it vindictive on your part for not being the bigger person and finding an alternative to designate your step parenting relationship?
WHY? Because you know that the title of Mother or Father actually means something very clearly important.

Titles (from parental to those who govern to those who provided the various specified jobs that support have long been an important part of society, whichever society you live in. If titles didn't have an important meaning, then almost every society since time began would not have designated them; i.e. leaders would not be called something special, religious leaders would not be called something special, and parents would not be called something special to highlight their special "job" or place in that society.

A biological mother, unless unfit, will ALWAYS be that child's mother. Nothing can change that, even after death. A stepparent, no matter how much you love that child, can easily lose that title the minute s/he divorces from the biological parent or the biological parent dies.

And given the inherent importance of said title, a stepparent who feels that s/he should get the same title as the biological parent is being MORE vindictive and manipulative.

But never did I say I FEEL I SHOULD be called mom. But if my stepson wants to call me mom because it feels natural to him, me telling him not to is me stifling his wishes.

Also in our case, bm is unfit. She hasn't seen my son in 10 months due to her love of heroin and meth. So yes, my view might be slightly biased. However, even when she was around, he wanted to call me mom.

You said titles (parental...) I AM a parent. I agree that ny stepson will always only have one biological mother. Of course they have a connection that he and i will nevrer have. However, we have one she never will too. But I am more a parent than she has ever been to him. I would never force my stepchild to call me something else if he wanted to call me mom just like I would never force my bio child to not call a step parent mom. I'd hate every second of it. Absolutely. But I strongly feel it is the CHILDS decision to make. Not the parent. Its shitty, of course, as the bio parent. But if you have a good bond with your child, it really shouldn't matter what they call someone else.

Should I not call my mother in law mom either out of fear of upsetting MY mother? My MIL doesn't think I love her more than my mom and my mom doesnt think I love her any less just because I call them both mom.

I get your points. I really do. I just think its one of those situations where the parents really need to step back and realize what's best for the children. Its not damaging for them to love their stepparent and call that person mom too. It IS damaging to forbid then to do so.

jr0310 · January 2015

becwheat said:
I just think there are MANY situations and comfort levels. After reading all responses here is my feeling.

In situations where there is no person filling the role of "dad" or "mom" then of course it is more likely a child would call a step parent by the title of "mom" or "dad". This is my situation. X is in prison and infit to ever be a parent in any capacity. So, yeah DH is "daddy" to DD and has been since she decided to call him that.

If I was co-parenting with a stable ex-husband then my husband's title would likely be different. Blood relation is not the only definition of family, but different family member have different roles.

I agree with this. I just don't like the blanket statements that if the child has a mother they shouldn't call anyone else mom. If this were true than what about adopted children or in laws?

I agree that every situation is different. I agree that if my child wanted to call someone else mom, it would kill me. But it would not be my choice or right to stop them.

TrickPixie · January 2015

*poof*

Ilumine · January 2015

TrickPixie said:

Ilumine said:
A biological mother, unless unfit, will ALWAYS be that child's mother. Nothing can change that, even after death. A stepparent, no matter how much you love that child, can easily lose that title the minute s/he divorces from the biological parent or the biological parent dies.

And given the inherent importance of said title, a stepparent who feels that s/he should get the same title as the biological parent is being MORE vindictive and manipulative.

I think that bioparents can also be vindictive and manipulative with titles too. BM in our situation is now transgendered. SS and SD have no "mom" anymore. After transition "BM" requested that he then be called Daddy, and DH (and me after we met/married) only be addressed by our first names. SS and DD see him 11 weeks a year. They live with us full time. They continued to call DH Daddy and have chosen on their own to call me Mom. Is it really fair to them that their bioparent could have dictated that they have no one to call by a parental name the majority of their lives?

I think I may have qualified my post in regards of the biological parent being unfit (which would take into account adoptive situations...and in inlaw situations, its two adults making informed and unpressured decisions in whom to call mom or dad AND/OR have the strength of will to say NO).

But again I ask, If the title really DOESN"T hold that much of a special place for Biological parents, then why is it that big of a deal for the stepparent to find an alternative? Not all requests from BSC biological parents are BSC.

jr0310 · January 2015

Ilumine said:

TrickPixie said:

Ilumine said:
A biological mother, unless unfit, will ALWAYS be that child's mother. Nothing can change that, even after death. A stepparent, no matter how much you love that child, can easily lose that title the minute s/he divorces from the biological parent or the biological parent dies.

And given the inherent importance of said title, a stepparent who feels that s/he should get the same title as the biological parent is being MORE vindictive and manipulative.

I think that bioparents can also be vindictive and manipulative with titles too. BM in our situation is now transgendered. SS and SD have no "mom" anymore. After transition "BM" requested that he then be called Daddy, and DH (and me after we met/married) only be addressed by our first names. SS and DD see him 11 weeks a year. They live with us full time. They continued to call DH Daddy and have chosen on their own to call me Mom. Is it really fair to them that their bioparent could have dictated that they have no one to call by a parental name the majority of their lives?

I think I may have qualified my post in regards of the biological parent being unfit (which would take into account adoptive situations...and in inlaw situations, its two adults making informed and unpressured decisions in whom to call mom or dad AND/OR have the strength of will to say NO).

But again I ask, If the title really DOESN"T hold that much of a special place for Biological parents, then why is it that big of a deal for the stepparent to find an alternative? Not all requests from BSC biological parents are BSC.

Because IF the child decides on their own that they WANT to call the stepparent mom, then the title DOES hold a special place. I never said it wasn't a special title. I just think that its up to the child. When my step son calls me mom its from a purely innocent place. Like I've said, our bm IS unfit. But even prior to her relapse, he wanted to call me mom because I filled that role to him. And if dh and I ever (god forbid) split, I'd like to think I wouldn't just no longer be a thought to my stepson.

In fact, my sils fiance has a son from a previous relationship. When he was with his sons mom, he took on a father role for her other son. Now that they aren't together anymore, he gets BOTH kids every other weekend. Because he stepped in and played the role of dad.

Again maybe I am biased because of our situation but I don't think it would be fair of me to dictate what my child can call their stepmother.

WLJ2 · January 2015

jr0310 said:

hopanka said:

jr0310 said:
I'm sorry but I'm a stepmother as well and my stepson started calling me mom the day i married my dh. Bm was livid and told him he needed to stop. He was confused, he was 8 at the time. Now bm has lost all custody and visitation rights, and my poor son has to ask me if it hurts my feelings that he doesn't call me mom anymore. It doesn't feel natural to him anymore since bm threw such a fit 2 years ago. But now, he has nobody to call mom.

If my child called a step parent mom, of course I would be devastated. But I'd also be devestated that I couldn't see my child every day but hey that's the facts when it comes to divorce. Everything should be what's best for the child. A bm getting her panties in a bunch because their child.... A product of a "broken home" feels comfortable enough to call someone that takes care of them just as much as the bm does, by mom, is IMO a selfish excuse. Its a word. As long as bm is a good mother, they shouldn't feel threatened that their child can feel like they have more than one mom. If a mom can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one mom?

Nobody said you had to like it, but that's what happens when you make a child and for whatever reason the parents don't stay together.

Op, I'd have your husband fight that. What she is doing is emotionally damaging to the child. I learned early on with our bm that you can't be a doormat.
No, it's not what happens. If you "make a child and parents don't stay together", such child still has one mother and one father. They can and often do love other people in their lives and that's fantastic, however they still have their one mom and one dad, just as before the other person came in to their life. That person will develop their own unique place in that child's life.

I'm a jealous person and I get it. I absolutely agree it would devastate me if my child called someone else mom. But in my opinion, I'd rather my child have numerous parents to love and that love him. Its all about what's best for the kids, and yes sometimes that upsets the parents. But it's life.

I don't know if I would say that's life get over it. Maybe it's because I see it from the bm perspective.

For the OP I think "mommy your name would be fine". In my opinion as long as she is able to understand the difference between her bm and you as her step mom then it shouldn't matter what she calls you.

If you were not married and she was to young to understand the difference I might me irritated by it as well.

In this situation I think bm is a little crazy.

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