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Babies on the Brain
MommaAzure
member
Fiance has baby fever. I'm just anxious.
MommaAzure
member
Hi first time here. C: I will start by apologising. It's 4 am where I am and I can't sleep. also, I'm writing on a phone screen and things may get complicated between those two things. I hope you can keep up.
Second, I will say something now that may confuse you. Know that it will make sense soon... I know a lot of people here may be strongly adverse to what I write today. I know some of you may most likely say I am selfish and very young. I have heard it all. I've even heard the word "stupid" used to describe me. I welcome all advice and criticisms but I would appreciate some support if it can be given. but in no means do I want someone to lie to me. You will see one thousand reasons why everything is a bad idea... But.. I don't know.
Finally, before the main body, I will say I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what I want from all you wonderful bumpies (I've been lurking a while...). Some parts of this may sound like I want someone to talk me down from the ledge, other points it Kay seem like I just want someone to justify my actions for me, and others may sound purely selfish, childish and wrong. And despite me knowing everything I know, I'm still here. And I still cannot tell you why I am posting this and what I expect from the community.
But here it goes...
I am 22. I will be 23 in July. He is 21, 22 in March.
I have been with my current fiance only 2 years, but I've known him for much longer. We have been together for a very short amount of time, but it feels like a life time. I have absolute faith in our relationship, but I realise this means squat to say for the long run. Still, he is the first man I haven't gotten bored with in 6 months. I've had nothing but long term relationships my entire life. Which was dumb when I was a teenager. But I tend to "stray" when I get bored... In fact, the start of our relationship was a joke. We started dating in a rush of hormones and excitement. I never believed it would come to this. But it's a beautiful thing. In two years, he still astounds me daily and every day feels just like.... I can't describe. I will sound like a teenager when I talk about him, but I hope you understand. This is new for me. The feelings I go through when I look at him are more powerful than I've ever felt with anyone else - I know kids say this all the time. But I have found myself crying late at night while I sometimes watch him sleep. I'm not totally sure why but it's not a painful cry. He's an amazing man and I have a strong amount of respect for him. He's done everything he always could for me, even when I didn't totally deserve it. To describe how much goes into him, and us, and how I feel will alone take up paragraphs so I will stop here and just hope you give the relationship the benefit of the doubt.
Recently, he's been the one with baby fever. Its kind of funny because we've gone back and forth a lot. When I have the fever, he doesn't, and when he does, I back out. But he's been bringing it up A LOT lately. And every time I express my uncertainty he seems very let down. He's not so much passive aggressively impatient as he seems to be excited and giddy at the prospect. He likes to go yo the baby section of the local store and go through baby clothes with me. He likes the baby books (the kind you keep almost as a journalist for the first x amount of years of the child's life?) Especially. We look at the cost of diapers and food and baby furniture, but he is not deterred. He always is describing what we will do when it happens. He's so.... I can't think of the word... It's sort of like excitement but not necessarily. Its something I see he truly wants. Its a goal. His mom tells me he's always known He wanted kids. Ever since he himself was a child. It may help to mention he never really had a father. It was him, his mom and two younger siblings. But anyone can see he is determined that he wants a family. Yes talked a lot about how he would be devastated if it turned out he was infertile, how it would destroy him. I don't doubt his desire for a family at all.
One of the first roadblocks we hit is typical. We aren't married and we won't be until the end of 2016 if things move according to plan. But if I am to be honest, this is not as important to me as others think it "should" be. Looking up statistics, it seems a lot of couples in my generation choosing to have children abstain from marriage for a variety of reasons. For the both of us, we we raised in very non-religious households. His mother was never married. My parents were, and suffered no divorce at all. They had a beautiful relationship but put more emphasis in finding a partner with good qualities, one you are compatible with than marriage. That the love and comittment and loyalty and communication has nothing to do with a peice of paper. Of course, we know the legalities of it and know a simple courthouse wedding is cheap and easy and all the same. And we have definitely consider it. I have no "but" here. It's just... Something that isn't THAT important to us, or our families. We haved talked about IF we were to have children, and decide we were incompatible later, it would be much simpler to he able to simply separate than to put the child(ren) through the trauma of a divorce. But things are never that simple, with custody battles. I like to believe that we would be more mature. There's no absolute way of knowing what we will be like in the future, but I prefer to see myself and him as better people than that. And I know wha statistics say, but I prefer to not assume I am a statistic. I am a person with my own choices and the common choice of others is not necessarily guarunteed yo be my own and I choose not to go though life believing numbers determine who I MAY be. Just my opinion. Long story short, legal marriage is not something we or our families see as important or relevant to start TTC.
However.
We are young. Very young. Still in school. I know having children while still going to school is INCREDIBLY difficult, if not almost impossible. It's something I know, I am not underestimating the challenges, stress, and potential complications. But it is something that, despite knowing, I believe I am willing to taken on that challenge. It CAN be done, after all. I know waiting until school ends is a better option, but I have approximately 9 years of schooling left... And I have a strong adverse reaction to start having children after I am 30. Now please, I mean NO OFFENSE to ANYONE. This is a PERSONAL preference... I just don't want to be 40 when they are 10. That is a PERSONAL issue which I will get more into if someone thinks it's relevant enough to ask. Point is, waiting until I am out of school isn't completely an option for me. We do have a very good ring of support through friends and family, those who are willing to help babysit and support us any way they can. Even our school has a free daycare you can utilise while attending class. We are very, very lucky in this aspect. I don't know what else to say on this topic.
I will get to the controversy now. Get it out of the way, I suppose. This may be where some may get angry, and certainly be opposed. This is the highest hurdle. Our finances are less than ideal. Much less than ideal. We KNOW that babies are INSANELY expensive! We have done ALL the research - trust me. We know it will be more than difficult. We know it will be stressful and there are SO SO SO many reasons, financially, why we should wait. We have had this talk SO many times. But we both know while our children may not have everything they WANT, they will always have everything they NEED. We are more than willing to go without and make the sacrifices a child requires. We know our lives will be forever changed... Believe me again, I do not doubt or underestimate the struggle. His mother struggles raising him and his siblings, s th food stamps and having two jobs, and struggling from paycheck to paycheck. But she says she's never once regretted it. That she'd rather have been poor with her children than rich and without. She was about 30 when she had my fiance. She's, obviously, about 50 now. My family didn't struggle as heavily. I had my own computer since I was seven, horses, video games, tv. And yet, I almost never had their attention. Just material things. they locked me in my room. His family is very close. Very tight knit and very loving. Despite the stress and complications, they have always been a happy family. That says a lot to me. I have googled "having children when poor" and such. I have found so many resources, stories, people saying they chose to have children despite being poor and it was the best decision they ever made. They say no one is every totally financially ready for a child. That something as inconsequential as a bank account should ever hold you back from something that can inevitably bring you eternal happiness. I'll find some links later and show you bumpies what I've read. I know it's less than ideal and overs have labeled me selfish. Why would I choose to have a child while being "poor"? Why am I being unfair to the child, choosing to have one when I know I can't provide for him as I would like to.. I've heard it all. Funny enough, the latter statement upsets me more. That I cannot support the child as I would like to.... As if they know how I would "like" to support my child. I have always held the belief that my child will need food, clothes, diapers, shelter, and LOVE! Toys and games are nice, not need. My child will need a stable home, and will have two parents who love them endlessly and unconditionally. While our finances are not ideal, we are very "stable". We have all our bills paid (and I know babies add a lot more bills) we just don't have a ton of "extra" money. Still, when I ask fiance about this he gives me his reassuring smile and says what he always has. That he has always provided for us, and would do whatever it took to support us, just as his momma did. He says we've always made it work, and while I child will make it more difficult, he is certain we would find a way. We don't need everything we currently have. Game systems (Xbox live for sure), expensive smartphones, internet and cable. We would be more than willing to give those up for the child. Even his mother, though raising 3 kids and struggling supports us and actually is excited and waiting for us to begin. She wants to be a grandmother. Personally, I have a close friend who is a few months older than me... She has a little girl in kindergarten, another little girl who is a year or so old, and a newborn baby boy. Her and her fiance and considered poor. They have very little money. Though, when I recently visited them to meet the newborn, everyone was SO happy!! The parents, the children. There was no signs of struggle. I asked her about it and she said despite the struggle she wouldn't have it any other way. That the kids are more than worth it. This reassures me also... Besides her, there are quite a few people I know that have a similar experiences, and have more than a few friends in college who are pregnant. So I have a lot of people I can talk to first hand.
Well.. that's the hard part. It's 5 am now and I know this is a very, very long post. I feel I am venting more than expecting anything. There are other roadblocks we have discussed, I am sure. But I cannot think of them now.... Those are the biggest. Fiance and I have talked and decided we have done all the "living" we feel like doing. We both have never been the type to go out and "party" and would rather have a child to travel with than alone... Which I know can also be difficult. We have talked at great length together about all the things 'they' say you should discuss before TTC - religion, names, punishment, etc. We have made sure we are on the same page. We definitely have a game plan. So I don't know what to say.
I am not adamant. I am not currently pregnant - we still use methods of birth control. Though he strongly desires to start TTC as soon as March... He would never make me do something I am not prepared for, of that I am sure. I DO have the desire to have children. I feel I also want to start TTC. It's a strong desire within me and its constantly on my mind. I always question myself what is holding me back. I am anxious and scared, as is very logical, I'm sure. But I am not repelled by our struggles.. I just.. I am unsure.
Like I said earlier, I don't know what I am expecting from the community here. I cannot answer that. I just.... Wanted to post my story and see what others would say. Feel free to say anything, ask anything. I know this post is long and I am so sorry. But if you have bared with me and read it all, thank you so much.
I appreciate all of it. Thank you.
Second, I will say something now that may confuse you. Know that it will make sense soon... I know a lot of people here may be strongly adverse to what I write today. I know some of you may most likely say I am selfish and very young. I have heard it all. I've even heard the word "stupid" used to describe me. I welcome all advice and criticisms but I would appreciate some support if it can be given. but in no means do I want someone to lie to me. You will see one thousand reasons why everything is a bad idea... But.. I don't know.
Finally, before the main body, I will say I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what I want from all you wonderful bumpies (I've been lurking a while...). Some parts of this may sound like I want someone to talk me down from the ledge, other points it Kay seem like I just want someone to justify my actions for me, and others may sound purely selfish, childish and wrong. And despite me knowing everything I know, I'm still here. And I still cannot tell you why I am posting this and what I expect from the community.
But here it goes...
I am 22. I will be 23 in July. He is 21, 22 in March.
I have been with my current fiance only 2 years, but I've known him for much longer. We have been together for a very short amount of time, but it feels like a life time. I have absolute faith in our relationship, but I realise this means squat to say for the long run. Still, he is the first man I haven't gotten bored with in 6 months. I've had nothing but long term relationships my entire life. Which was dumb when I was a teenager. But I tend to "stray" when I get bored... In fact, the start of our relationship was a joke. We started dating in a rush of hormones and excitement. I never believed it would come to this. But it's a beautiful thing. In two years, he still astounds me daily and every day feels just like.... I can't describe. I will sound like a teenager when I talk about him, but I hope you understand. This is new for me. The feelings I go through when I look at him are more powerful than I've ever felt with anyone else - I know kids say this all the time. But I have found myself crying late at night while I sometimes watch him sleep. I'm not totally sure why but it's not a painful cry. He's an amazing man and I have a strong amount of respect for him. He's done everything he always could for me, even when I didn't totally deserve it. To describe how much goes into him, and us, and how I feel will alone take up paragraphs so I will stop here and just hope you give the relationship the benefit of the doubt.
Recently, he's been the one with baby fever. Its kind of funny because we've gone back and forth a lot. When I have the fever, he doesn't, and when he does, I back out. But he's been bringing it up A LOT lately. And every time I express my uncertainty he seems very let down. He's not so much passive aggressively impatient as he seems to be excited and giddy at the prospect. He likes to go yo the baby section of the local store and go through baby clothes with me. He likes the baby books (the kind you keep almost as a journalist for the first x amount of years of the child's life?) Especially. We look at the cost of diapers and food and baby furniture, but he is not deterred. He always is describing what we will do when it happens. He's so.... I can't think of the word... It's sort of like excitement but not necessarily. Its something I see he truly wants. Its a goal. His mom tells me he's always known He wanted kids. Ever since he himself was a child. It may help to mention he never really had a father. It was him, his mom and two younger siblings. But anyone can see he is determined that he wants a family. Yes talked a lot about how he would be devastated if it turned out he was infertile, how it would destroy him. I don't doubt his desire for a family at all.
One of the first roadblocks we hit is typical. We aren't married and we won't be until the end of 2016 if things move according to plan. But if I am to be honest, this is not as important to me as others think it "should" be. Looking up statistics, it seems a lot of couples in my generation choosing to have children abstain from marriage for a variety of reasons. For the both of us, we we raised in very non-religious households. His mother was never married. My parents were, and suffered no divorce at all. They had a beautiful relationship but put more emphasis in finding a partner with good qualities, one you are compatible with than marriage. That the love and comittment and loyalty and communication has nothing to do with a peice of paper. Of course, we know the legalities of it and know a simple courthouse wedding is cheap and easy and all the same. And we have definitely consider it. I have no "but" here. It's just... Something that isn't THAT important to us, or our families. We haved talked about IF we were to have children, and decide we were incompatible later, it would be much simpler to he able to simply separate than to put the child(ren) through the trauma of a divorce. But things are never that simple, with custody battles. I like to believe that we would be more mature. There's no absolute way of knowing what we will be like in the future, but I prefer to see myself and him as better people than that. And I know wha statistics say, but I prefer to not assume I am a statistic. I am a person with my own choices and the common choice of others is not necessarily guarunteed yo be my own and I choose not to go though life believing numbers determine who I MAY be. Just my opinion. Long story short, legal marriage is not something we or our families see as important or relevant to start TTC.
However.
We are young. Very young. Still in school. I know having children while still going to school is INCREDIBLY difficult, if not almost impossible. It's something I know, I am not underestimating the challenges, stress, and potential complications. But it is something that, despite knowing, I believe I am willing to taken on that challenge. It CAN be done, after all. I know waiting until school ends is a better option, but I have approximately 9 years of schooling left... And I have a strong adverse reaction to start having children after I am 30. Now please, I mean NO OFFENSE to ANYONE. This is a PERSONAL preference... I just don't want to be 40 when they are 10. That is a PERSONAL issue which I will get more into if someone thinks it's relevant enough to ask. Point is, waiting until I am out of school isn't completely an option for me. We do have a very good ring of support through friends and family, those who are willing to help babysit and support us any way they can. Even our school has a free daycare you can utilise while attending class. We are very, very lucky in this aspect. I don't know what else to say on this topic.
I will get to the controversy now. Get it out of the way, I suppose. This may be where some may get angry, and certainly be opposed. This is the highest hurdle. Our finances are less than ideal. Much less than ideal. We KNOW that babies are INSANELY expensive! We have done ALL the research - trust me. We know it will be more than difficult. We know it will be stressful and there are SO SO SO many reasons, financially, why we should wait. We have had this talk SO many times. But we both know while our children may not have everything they WANT, they will always have everything they NEED. We are more than willing to go without and make the sacrifices a child requires. We know our lives will be forever changed... Believe me again, I do not doubt or underestimate the struggle. His mother struggles raising him and his siblings, s th food stamps and having two jobs, and struggling from paycheck to paycheck. But she says she's never once regretted it. That she'd rather have been poor with her children than rich and without. She was about 30 when she had my fiance. She's, obviously, about 50 now. My family didn't struggle as heavily. I had my own computer since I was seven, horses, video games, tv. And yet, I almost never had their attention. Just material things. they locked me in my room. His family is very close. Very tight knit and very loving. Despite the stress and complications, they have always been a happy family. That says a lot to me. I have googled "having children when poor" and such. I have found so many resources, stories, people saying they chose to have children despite being poor and it was the best decision they ever made. They say no one is every totally financially ready for a child. That something as inconsequential as a bank account should ever hold you back from something that can inevitably bring you eternal happiness. I'll find some links later and show you bumpies what I've read. I know it's less than ideal and overs have labeled me selfish. Why would I choose to have a child while being "poor"? Why am I being unfair to the child, choosing to have one when I know I can't provide for him as I would like to.. I've heard it all. Funny enough, the latter statement upsets me more. That I cannot support the child as I would like to.... As if they know how I would "like" to support my child. I have always held the belief that my child will need food, clothes, diapers, shelter, and LOVE! Toys and games are nice, not need. My child will need a stable home, and will have two parents who love them endlessly and unconditionally. While our finances are not ideal, we are very "stable". We have all our bills paid (and I know babies add a lot more bills) we just don't have a ton of "extra" money. Still, when I ask fiance about this he gives me his reassuring smile and says what he always has. That he has always provided for us, and would do whatever it took to support us, just as his momma did. He says we've always made it work, and while I child will make it more difficult, he is certain we would find a way. We don't need everything we currently have. Game systems (Xbox live for sure), expensive smartphones, internet and cable. We would be more than willing to give those up for the child. Even his mother, though raising 3 kids and struggling supports us and actually is excited and waiting for us to begin. She wants to be a grandmother. Personally, I have a close friend who is a few months older than me... She has a little girl in kindergarten, another little girl who is a year or so old, and a newborn baby boy. Her and her fiance and considered poor. They have very little money. Though, when I recently visited them to meet the newborn, everyone was SO happy!! The parents, the children. There was no signs of struggle. I asked her about it and she said despite the struggle she wouldn't have it any other way. That the kids are more than worth it. This reassures me also... Besides her, there are quite a few people I know that have a similar experiences, and have more than a few friends in college who are pregnant. So I have a lot of people I can talk to first hand.
Well.. that's the hard part. It's 5 am now and I know this is a very, very long post. I feel I am venting more than expecting anything. There are other roadblocks we have discussed, I am sure. But I cannot think of them now.... Those are the biggest. Fiance and I have talked and decided we have done all the "living" we feel like doing. We both have never been the type to go out and "party" and would rather have a child to travel with than alone... Which I know can also be difficult. We have talked at great length together about all the things 'they' say you should discuss before TTC - religion, names, punishment, etc. We have made sure we are on the same page. We definitely have a game plan. So I don't know what to say.
I am not adamant. I am not currently pregnant - we still use methods of birth control. Though he strongly desires to start TTC as soon as March... He would never make me do something I am not prepared for, of that I am sure. I DO have the desire to have children. I feel I also want to start TTC. It's a strong desire within me and its constantly on my mind. I always question myself what is holding me back. I am anxious and scared, as is very logical, I'm sure. But I am not repelled by our struggles.. I just.. I am unsure.
Like I said earlier, I don't know what I am expecting from the community here. I cannot answer that. I just.... Wanted to post my story and see what others would say. Feel free to say anything, ask anything. I know this post is long and I am so sorry. But if you have bared with me and read it all, thank you so much.
I appreciate all of it. Thank you.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Fiance has baby fever. I'm just anxious.
Having anxiety over all doesn't help. Lol
Also @dani_brewer thank you so much for the advice
CD 3, FSH of 15, E2 67, AMH 0.43, LH 6.2, normal HSG test
DH good count but low volume, 87% motility, 1% morphology
IUI#1 - Nov 2014, 100 mg clomid and HCG, 2 large follies 20 & 16mm (7 follies total). BFN
IVF# 1 Jan 2014, 225 Gonal F, 225 Menopur, Ganirelix, 4R/3M/1F w/ICSI - PUPO!
@MusicFillsMyHeart Thanks so much for your words and advice.
@14whitney I had to look up what QFP is... Quoted for power - why may I ask? I am not going to delete the post
@vballbaby yeah I have heard that a lot. However let me show you where I got that post... C: "We chose to get pregnant even though we were dirt poor. "I am not going to let something as inconsequential as my bank account balance keep me from experiencing the joys of parenthood!" Is what I thought and still do. You are sane and wise to think you can't afford baby. They are expensive, but so worth it. Once that baby is in your arms and look in their eyes for the first time... you won't even remember what color money is! posted 04/25/2010 by chrissybearjohnson" https://www.babycenter.com/400_is-it-wrong-to-think-i-cannot-afford-this-baby_6791465_44.bc There are quite a few posts there supporting it also. you may find it interesting. Feel free to tell me what your take on it is.
@jnnfrrose6 Yeah, its not really about that. But it is very long to read. Im thinking about posting a new one with the important info boiled down.
@brita772 Its not necessarily rambling in that sense. Lol. Like I said in the post (I know it was way to long to read. I'm really sorry about that...) I was in a bout of insomnia and had a lot of emotions at 4 am - it happens a lot - and that's where this post mostly comes from. But these are the feelings i have everyday, they just happened to come out at 4 am. Besides that, I am taking a lot of english courses at school and my teachers have recently beat it into my head, when you have an argument to prove, especially a persuasive argument, you have to give all the proofs and explain why you are "credible" so I suppose thats what I, at 4 am and sleep deprived (used to staying up writing 6-10 page essays...), inadvertently did! Lol.
With this, I would love to hear your opinion still, even if you hold the same opinion. I appreciate it so much. Thank you!
"@vballbaby yeah I have heard that a lot. However let me show you where I got that post... C: "We chose to get pregnant even though we were dirt poor. "I am not going to let something as inconsequential as my bank account balance keep me from experiencing the joys of parenthood!" Is what I thought and still do. You are sane and wise to think you can't afford baby. They are expensive, but so worth it. Once that baby is in your arms and look in their eyes for the first time... you won't even remember what color money is! posted 04/25/2010 by chrissybearjohnson" https://www.babycenter.com/400_is-it-wrong-to-think-i-cannot-afford-this-baby_6791465_44.bc There are quite a few posts there supporting it also. you may find it interesting. Feel free to tell me what your take on it is.
@mommazure - I guess you can either afford one or not, we don't know your finances, but that quote in yellow is a very romantic (silly) idea that will fizzle quickly when you're struggling to get by.
My advice to wait and be more financially secure stems from having a 21 year old step daughter who just had her second baby less than a week ago. Her first baby is a year and half. She's a stay at home mom, and her boyfriend works to support them. They struggle, they share a car (could never afford two car payments & insurance) . I buy them diapers to help. She receives WIC from the government to help buy food. They live in a small apartment and there is no possible way they could afford to buy a house anytime soon. I don't know that her college would have free baby sitting but she couldn't afford tuition anyway or be able to manage school and homework with two little ones and even if she was able to, imagine the juggling of schedules and the sacrifice of always being super busy and not enough time for your kids. Anyway, she's real happy right now being a young mother but they do struggle and being a Mom is the only thing she has time for now. Maybe once the kids are in kindergarden she could think about returning to college but until then, I don't see how she could possibly juggle it all. So if finishing school is important to you, and if I were you (and I know I'm not), but I would totally focus on finishing school first, buy a house, be settled and 100% both on the same page for TTC. Good luck whatever you decide. I'm not here to tell you not to do anything, I'm just sharing my experience with my daughter.
CD 3, FSH of 15, E2 67, AMH 0.43, LH 6.2, normal HSG test
DH good count but low volume, 87% motility, 1% morphology
IUI#1 - Nov 2014, 100 mg clomid and HCG, 2 large follies 20 & 16mm (7 follies total). BFN
IVF# 1 Jan 2014, 225 Gonal F, 225 Menopur, Ganirelix, 4R/3M/1F w/ICSI - PUPO!
Your post really hit home to me, because you remind me of myself four years ago. I was so very young and only in college, but I wanted a baby so badly. Fortunately, my parents told me that I HAD to finish college before getting married and then had to get married before having a baby. Being scared that they would kill me if I pursued a different timeline, I waited for everything to fall in line. Actually, I worked my butt off in college to finish as early as possible, so that I could hurry up and start a family (that seems silly now, but it is what I did). Once married, my husband then convinced me to delay TTC even more. He said we needed to buy a house and meet certain financial goals before having a baby (ie: save a bit for retirement, a 9 month emergency fund, and a baby fund to cover medical expenses, time out of work, and nursery gear.) So again, I worked my butt off to save as much as possible, so we could hurry up and have a baby.
Now, here I am.. age 26 with almost all pre-baby checklist items marked off and plans to TTC in fall 2015. I am so thankful that those around me encouraged me to wait. In addition to the pre-baby checklist that others developed for me, I've also met some goals of my own: running a half marathon, getting my masters degree, developing a career I absolutely adore, and traveling a decent amount are just a few. I probably would not have done these things if I would have had a baby so young. In fact, I didn't really have an interest in doing any of these things four years ago, but I did them to keep my mind distracted from babies. Now I am overjoyed that I was able to experience all of these things, and I have so much more confidence in myself as a result.
I know it feels like you are caught between people telling you "there is never a 'right' time, might as well go ahead and do it" and others saying that you need have everything 100% perfect before bringing a child into this world. I know it feels like you have two options: have a baby during this awful timing or wait until (what feels like a million years from now) for perfect timing to play out. Please know that there is an in between. You don't have to wait for things to be perfect, but you can wait for things to be a little better. If you wait, you will be shocked by how much better off you will be in just two or three years. (We have gone from crappy one bedroom apartment with unstable jobs to owning our own home with stable careers in just a matter of two years.)
Now, this is about to go in a new direction, but I also want to address the financial situation. You basically described "broke" as giving up nice toys and smart phones. Please understand that being broke with a child means much more than giving up a few luxuries here and there. Being broke means arguments with your SO about going $5 over budget at WalMart. Being broke means complete panic when the car breaks down or roof starts to leak. Being broke means using CCs to pay off unexpected medical bills. Being broke means going into work sick, because you have no sick leave and can't afford to take unpaid time off.
I know that you see others who are "broke" and they seem to be able to provide for their children, but please understand that there is much more below the surface. These people probably have CC debt. They probably have not saved a penny for retirement, and they probably feel incredibly stressed. These people depend on others, and as a result... arguments about money plague their relationships.
Before you decide to have a child, please look carefully at your budget and financial plans. Please do not just look at other people and say "Well they are doing it on their income, so we can do it too." Instead look at the cost of daycares, medical expenses, rent, houses, food, etc, etc. Realistically ask yourself if you could handle a $700 car repair bill followed by a $2,000 medical bill. Ask yourself if you can pay for a child while also saving for retirement (because you do NOT want to later depend on your own children to take care of you in your old age). "Getting help from friends and family" is not a solid plan. Racking up a ridiculous amount of student loans is not a solid plan. Depending on government programs like WIC is not a solid plan. You never know what might happen, and you need to know that YOU can take care of your children if push comes to shove.
In a way, this financial stuff is also about not falling for the "all or nothing" mindset. No, you do not have to wait until you can afford fancy toys and gifts for your children. BUT, you should make sure that YOU (not other people) can provide adequate food, shelter, clothing, and healthcare for your children and yourself. It isn't about materialism or greed or money.. it is about building a financial environment where emergencies and unexpected expenses do not cause fighting, stress, blame, and shame.
Finally, if you do decide to have a child before marriage (or even if you do get married first), please please please get a will and life insurance first. My grandfather died unexpectedly last year with no health insurance, life insurance, or savings. His children had to flip the bill for $15,000 in funeral expenses, and now they are having to financially support their mother. There were a lot of hard feelings and fights. It has strained relationships and caused complete chaos... all at a time that should be about healing from grief. You do not want your children to go through something like that, especially at a young age.
I know you are anxious to have a baby. How about instead of having a baby, you focus on creating the kind of life that you would want for your child.
@EmilyM1121 Thats an idea. I'll have to bring it up to him and see if he's willing to lose his xbox live early. :P I'm sure he's not going to like it, but who knows? Maybe that can put things in perspective also!! As for smartphones and cable, that's not a huge deal for me... My phone is pretty useless to me. Our phone bill is outrageous - $180 for two phones... We don't go on vacations because... Well, we don't want to pay for them... XD Or I assume thats our reason, we just never bring it up.... Hmm. The talking has only been theoretical so we haven't sat down and totally hashed out our finances yet, but I'm fairly certain we have a positive number. I'll get back to you on that... Lol.. However, we already have another room, so that's not a problem at least!
@bmo88 I dont think you understand just HOW many people we have in our circle who want to babysit. XD But no, I see what you're saying. We could have 1,000 and 1,000 things could go wrong. Best to have a back up just in case, yes. I can't argue that. You're right. I've never done it so I wont know how I'd feel, I'll give you that. But the opposite is also true. I won't have any idea, ever, unless it happens. So I suppose thats a matter of half full, half empty in a sense. I don't know that we would struggle to scrape by, for sure... We'd never go without food, clothes, diapers, etc. But I don't know what your definition is, so I can't be sure. But you do bring up some thought raising advice, so I got a lot to consider with this....
@strickland8052 You're welcome...? I think...? Lol. So was your fiance baby crazy like mine is? :P I'm joking. I saw you said once married he mentioned for you to wait. I do understand everything, and thank you so much for sharing your personal story.
I say this, because H and I are worried about the finances before TTC, and we have been out of school for a long time. We both bring home an average amount, we have 9 months worth of living expenses saved, we have no debt other than a mortgage, and we save over 1/3rd of our income to practice paying for daycare (yes, daycare here is just that much). Still, I feel like ONE medical emergency or stretch of unemployment could completely knock us out.
Have you looked at your health insurance policy carefully? Labor and delivery could easily cost you $6,000 - $7,000, depending on your health insurance. Do you have that kind of money saved? It sounds like you have daycare covered while you are in school, but what about after you graduate? Daycare in some cities can run as high as $1500 minimum. Have you ever looked at what you can realistically expect in terms of salary after you graduate? Have you checked to see if it will cover living expenses and daycare costs? Where is your income coming from? Is it solely reliant on your SO? If so, what would you do if he died, got injured, lost his job, or left you? Would you have any protection or legal rights or money saved? These are all the kinds of questions that need to be answered before TTC (not necessarily here, but in your own mind and between you and SO).
We don't know your particular situation, so maybe you do have a plan and tons of money saved/coming in. But your abundance of confidence seems like you haven't thought this completely out. If you have thought this out completely, then you would probably be completely overwhelmed...even if you did make tons of money and had a lot saved.
When anxiety and fear comes knocking on the door the best course of action is to open the door and face them. Most of the time you will find that there is no one at the door and that what you are feeling is based on past failures (which mean nothing) and what you observed as a child.
As a rule of thumb if I feel a certain degree of doubt in anything I do I treat it as a healthy warning to check and recheck all aspects of the situation before making a firm decision. The first port of call is to discuss all your concerns with your partner.
You cannot predict what will happen in the future. But if you enter this relationship with serious doubts and no determined commitment (relationships are based on firm commitments) then your changes of a happy ending are very limited. You can make anything work if you really want to. But if you are luke warm about the relationship and are not prepared to defend it, the icy winds of life will extinguish it easily.
Best wishes
And this is why I find you the most annoying newb. Eta: quotes are hard
2. You can't afford it. You said you can't afford it. You did the math, looked at the numbers and know that you can't afford it. If you were 15 years older then maybe my advice would be different...but you are young. Young and broke.
I'm 29, and I have been married for 4 years and together with my husband for 9 years. Now that we are in great positions, making good money, and in a stable place, we are both so excited to get pregnant. We don't have to worry about money, maternity leave, or daycare costs. We can afford all of that because we waited. When we were 22, we barely knew who we were, we built our lives together.
Disclaimer: I scanned your post. It was ridiculously too long.