UPDATE: Family Gender Disappointment Drama (previous loss briefly mentioned)

frankengibbs · January 2015

Hi June Mommas,
I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible...

So DH and I recently found out that we are expecting a girl, we're both excited and I am over the moon knowing my LO is doing well. A lot of our family and friends wanted us to have a boy and I recently found out my brother is upset that we're having a girl instead. My brother and SIL have 2 little girls (1yr and 2mo) and he somehow got it into his mind that my baby will be treated better than his girls. It's stupid really, our parents don't play favorites and never have so I don't know where this is coming from.
I know my mom is really excited for me, especially because my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, but also because I am her only daughter and this is special for both of us. She adores my brother's girls, though, she just wasn't close to SIL because she's a difficult person (mom just wanted to keep peace, brother is easy to upset) and they kept both of her pregnancies secret for as long as possible because her family is judgemental and they had both girls so close together.
Honestly, his girls are so very loved and I don't understand how it would be different if I were having a boy. I love my brother, but I am so tired of him doing stuff like this to me. I can barely visit my parents house (SIL and him live there also) without him being a dick to me. I just want everyone to be excited for us and happy to welcome our LO to the family.

Ladies I don't know what to do anymore. How can I express to him that this is ridiculous and upsetting? Should I even say anything? Do any of you have any words of wisdom or stories that you can share to help?

(Sorry if this is a little jumbled)

gilder40 · January 2015

You have absolutely no control over whether this kiddo is a boy or a girl. Tell him to suck it up, that he's being an ass, and he's treating you as if you are having a girl on purpose. And if y'all go to visit, and he wants to be a jerkwad, just ignore him and don't let his petty insecurities upset you.

CMSullivan326 · January 2015

I agree with @jenniebird327‌
Just tell him there no reason to feel or act this way and its ridiculous. Either he'll get over it or he won't. Either way, try not to let this ruin your excitement. This is YOUR pregnancy and YOUR baby, not his. Take a deep breath & try not to let it get to you.

Good luck.

gilder40 · January 2015

Sorry I got on a soapbox there. I'm a little feisty today, and I can't stand when people treat others unfairly. It's my trigger. Lol.

Jennym2b · January 2015

That is terrible. I'm so sorry he is being like that. I would have to talk to him.

Trampslikeus · January 2015

This nonsense would bring out my sarcasm to the max.... Like... Oh okay, let me get right in there with my sonic screwdriver and adjust those pesky chromosomes for you, brother dearest. Or would you like to do it, so you can make absolutely sure my baby has the genitalia you demand? HERE! Here's the sonic screwdriver, get to work, Ute Wizard!

ajgerber · January 2015

I don't know that I could come up with anything nice to say to him. It's not like you picked the sex of your baby. He needs to get over it. Sorry you are dealing with that! I would just ignore him.

frankengibbs · January 2015

You guys are the best! I know I'm being emotional today but I could seriously hug all of you. My feelings always get pushed off with people saying "oh, that's just your brother" or "he'll get over it" but this is supposed to be a special fucking time and he's killing me with this shit. He's going to be an uncle for the first time, he should be happy. Not to mention he is my OLDER brother...

frankengibbs · January 2015

Trampslikeus said:
This nonsense would bring out my sarcasm to the max.... Like... Oh okay, let me get right in there with my sonic screwdriver and adjust those pesky chromosomes for you, brother dearest. Or would you like to do it, so you can make absolutely sure my baby has the genitalia you demand? HERE! Here's the sonic screwdriver, get to work, Ute Wizard!

Loving the DW reference! Right!...because I so willed my baby's gender on her because I'm just an affection stealing bitch like that. I swear he's on crack.

bruunk · January 2015

I would totally use the nieces against him. Kill him with kindness - which I can never actually do, so more power to you - and then talk up how happy you are to have two big girls to help your little girl. If your nieces are excited about being big cousins to this LO, he looks five times the fool. Plus, then at least the nieces are excited for you!

You said he upsets easily, so maybe not the most mature way. From my experience, once baby is here, everyone calms down.

wegrowsheep · January 2015

Remind him that he's the reason he has girls.

Seriously though, wow. We have so many girls on both sides, I have 8 nieces and 2 nephews, and everyone is loved. My DD (also the only grand daughter from the only daughter) gets a lot of grandma time because of proximity, but the other 4 girls (my brother's kids) are just as completely spoiled.

frankengibbs · January 2015

@bruunk‌ my oldest niece is 1yr and the other is 2mos...they are too little to understand that they will have a cousin to play with but they both love other babies and I'm excited to have all of our girls together...I just wish he could think of it that way instead of my baby taking away love from his girls.
I will try to kill him with kindness since actually hurting him isn't an option lol...
No, he is definitely not mature, he always seems to find a reason to be a tool.

frankengibbs · January 2015

@wegrowsheep‌ lol right! He can take it up with DH if he doesn't like that we're having a girl. And exactly! My SIL has way more family in close proxemity than DH and I combined so even if for some weird reason my LO sucked up all of the love, those girls would still be adored.

erbear84 · January 2015

Your brother is being ridiculous.

I'd love if my siblings' kids were so close in age to mine, regardless of the sex. How much fun are those three little girls going to have growing up so close in age?!

frankengibbs · January 2015

@erbear84‌ Exactly, I was all excited about how fun it would be to have our little girls grow up so close in age and how I'm looking forward to sleepovers and tea parties and then my brother just came along and crushed it for me... Not but a week before we found out the baby's sex, SIL was talking about how she wants to have the girls spend more time with me because I haven't been around as much lately and now I don't know what to expect when I go over there for dinner on Sunday with my parents... DH is working so he won't be there to stick up for me ):

bruunk · January 2015

@ frankengibbs Ah man - was hoping they were a little older and could get all into it. My 10 yr old nephew looks at us like we have holes in our heads when we ask if he's excited and my 5 year old cousin just tells me my tummy isn't big enough to have a baby in it (thanks, I think). I'm sorry your brother is being a pill. Too bad we're grown adults and hitting your siblings is really not an option (not an option as children either - just easier to get away with). Good luck on Sunday!!

frankengibbs · January 2015

@bruunk‌ it makes me miss the days where I could whack him in the face with one of my pigtails and pretend it was an accident lol...

housewifebecomesher · January 2015

I agree it is ridiculous. Is this something you heard directly from him or through your mom? Might just be something that's been a bit exaggerated. I wouldn't touch it until it comes up directly from him.

I think you'll all feel better once baby arrives. Just absolutely petty!

KimberlyandThor2014 · January 2015

He's definitely being a brat, and on top of it he probably has his wife filling up his head with nonsense and pushing his buttons as well (I'm only guessing this since you've mentioned that she is a difficult person-she may be behind some of the bullshit).

Call him out on his bullshit the way you normally would! He's your brother and you mentioned he's easily upset, so the two of you must have developed a way of communicating over the years(?)...make sure you talk to him in a way that he will respond to. His behavior is totally unacceptable.

frankengibbs · January 2015

housewifebecomesher said:
I agree it is ridiculous. Is this something you heard directly from him or through your mom? Might just be something that's been a bit exaggerated. I wouldn't touch it until it comes up directly from him.

I think you'll all feel better once baby arrives. Just absolutely petty!

My mom is the one who told me, but she is a trusted source of information for me. She's not a drama starter in the least. The last time something like this happened was right before DH and I got married, we we're living together and got booted out a couple days before we we're going to move out (long story - not our fault, just someone else's stupidity falling on us) and I had my mom come pick me up since we were planning on seeing each other later that day anyways. She told me in the car that I needed to reassure my brother that I wasn't trying to move back into my parents house because he'd been upset about it all morning (wasn't moving back in, already in the process of moving into our new place). The second I got into the house he gave me the nastiest look and said something to the effect of "there's no room for you here" ...So this sort of thing isn't a new thing for him.
When I called SIL to tell her the gender because she was really wanting to know, he answered, said "cool" and hung up on me. At this point I have no reason to not believe my mom, I just don't know what to expect my brother to do next...

frankengibbs · January 2015

@KimberlyandThor2014‌ My brother and I don't communicate well. He has some complex in his head where he's convinced that I get everything in life the easy way and nothing bad happens to me (as I mentioned before I recently lost a baby, but also just going off of this last year, of the two friends I have, one was murdered, and I've had to buck up and deal with both losses while trying to keep myself afloat...so anything I have, I worked my ass off for)...basically, he's just being ridiculous.
So we don't really communicate well, his wife is younger than me and they both seem to be equally immature in the sense that they always have something up their asses and the rest of us just have to tip toe around them in order to keep the peace. I love my brother but it makes it hard to deal with him but for my nieces, I'm willing.
The only trump card I can play is our dad who doesn't know about what he's been doing. My dad would literally skin him if he knew what sort of crap he's been pulling, but because I try not to make things harder on my mom (they take everything out on her), I avoid playing telling him.
...I'm at a loss and typing this all out makes me realize how crazy this all is!

MZavakos · January 2015

I would think that his feelings would ALMOST be justified IF it were a boy (first and only grandson and all) you were having instead of a girl... but since you're having a girl, it makes no sense.

Sounds to me hes being childish about the whole thing and taking it out on you when it's not your fault. Its ridiculous. Tell him to suck it up and be quiet. You're entitled to your happiness without him trying to rain on it. Congrats on your baby girl!!

kaegibaby · January 2015

Tell your parents to have talk with him since he lives under their roof, give them struck boundaries and say that if you are Ever going to visit them that your brother needs to either be civil or stay the hell away from you and keep his crap to himself!! Your parents should understand that as it sounds like your brother is sweet on being stubborn and probably will just get all defensive if you try to talk to him.... Boy do I understand family drama.. I had to completely disassociate from my entire dysfunctional family in order to raise decent kids! Not easy but nessicary. Blessings, chasi

aj1327 · January 2015

My oldest brother is hard to deal with as well. My mom passed away 3 years ago, but before that it felt like our family walked on egg shells so we didn't piss off him and my SIL. There is a large age gap between us and my niece and nephew are older (16), so luckily they have been great about this pregnancy. It sounds like he is jealous of you and your mom's relationship, and I am so sorry he's making what is a happy time difficult. I don't know what you can do, besides tell him to shut up (haha), but I'll be thinking of you! Celebrate with your mom for sure! I miss mine every day!

Knottie64157109 · January 2015

My brother is the same way! You ignore and move on. I don't have time favorite for his drama nor do I want it in MY family.

8411mommy · January 2015

Sounds like he just needs to man up and move out of his parents house while he's at it.

effthisnoise · January 2015

frankengibbs said:

@KimberlyandThor2014‌ My brother and I don't communicate well. He has some complex in his head where he's convinced that I get everything in life the easy way and nothing bad happens to me (as I mentioned before I recently lost a baby, but also just going off of this last year, of the two friends I have, one was murdered, and I've had to buck up and deal with both losses while trying to keep myself afloat...so anything I have, I worked my ass off for)...basically, he's just being ridiculous. So we don't really communicate well, his wife is younger than me and they both seem to be equally immature in the sense that they always have something up their asses and the rest of us just have to tip toe around them in order to keep the peace. I love my brother but it makes it hard to deal with him but for my nieces, I'm willing. The only trump card I can play is our dad who doesn't know about what he's been doing. My dad would literally skin him if he knew what sort of crap he's been pulling, but because I try not to make things harder on my mom (they take everything out on her), I avoid playing telling him. ...I'm at a loss and typing this all out makes me realize how crazy this all is!

I think your dad needs to know what your brother is doing/saying AND the effect it has on your mom. Your mom shouldn't have to be put in the middle of things between you and your brother and if she won't do something about it, maybe your dad should. If my adult child and his wife were going to "take everything out on" my husband, they'd be out of my house if they didn't shape up. They don't get to take advantage of my generosity and repay it with negativity. I know that you don't want there to be drama and the whole situation is annoying, but your brother is being a butt. I wouldn't mention his disappointment and nasty attitude about your baby being a girl because it sounds like he and your SIL are pulling enough shit behind the scenes that takes precedence.

frankengibbs · January 2015

effthisnoise said:

frankengibbs said:

@KimberlyandThor2014‌ My brother and I don't communicate well. He has some complex in his head where he's convinced that I get everything in life the easy way and nothing bad happens to me (as I mentioned before I recently lost a baby, but also just going off of this last year, of the two friends I have, one was murdered, and I've had to buck up and deal with both losses while trying to keep myself afloat...so anything I have, I worked my ass off for)...basically, he's just being ridiculous.
So we don't really communicate well, his wife is younger than me and they both seem to be equally immature in the sense that they always have something up their asses and the rest of us just have to tip toe around them in order to keep the peace. I love my brother but it makes it hard to deal with him but for my nieces, I'm willing.
The only trump card I can play is our dad who doesn't know about what he's been doing. My dad would literally skin him if he knew what sort of crap he's been pulling, but because I try not to make things harder on my mom (they take everything out on her), I avoid playing telling him.
...I'm at a loss and typing this all out makes me realize how crazy this all is!

I think your dad needs to know what your brother is doing/saying AND the effect it has on your mom. Your mom shouldn't have to be put in the middle of things between you and your brother and if she won't do something about it, maybe your dad should. If my adult child and his wife were going to "take everything out on" my husband, they'd be out of my house if they didn't shape up. They don't get to take advantage of my generosity and repay it with negativity. I know that you don't want there to be drama and the whole situation is annoying, but your brother is being a butt. I wouldn't mention his disappointment and nasty attitude about your baby being a girl because it sounds like he and your SIL are pulling enough shit behind the scenes that takes precedence.

***
See, that's what gets me the most, I feel like they take it for granted that our parents are so generous. There are not many people that would let their grown son, his wife and their two children under the age of 1 live with them rent-free with no expectation of them repaying them for all of the groceries and things they purchase for them without a second thought. They even cancelled a lease on a smaller home that they were going to move into (which would've been much better for my dad who needs surgery and may now need to go to a care home for a month for recovery because they wont release him to a house that has so many flights of stairs) when they found out my brother needed to move back in.

frankengibbs · January 2015

UPDATE:
I haven't seen my brother in a few weeks, mostly because of his working schedule, but I see my SIL at least once a week because my parents have me over for dinner since DH works long hours and i spend a lot of time alone. Anyways, SIL seems to have gotten over this whole gender drama. I took your guy's advice and tried to be a nice as possible and it seems to have worked. Also, my oldest niece absolutely loves it when I come over, she is literally attached to my hip and the younger one who is 3mos babbles and smiles at me when I'm there. I'm hoping this means that all of this stupidity is dying down.
A few days ago my brother called our mom to see if I would be coming over after my A/S (she took me, DH had work as per usual) and according to her was disappointed that I wasn't... I'm surprised but I'll take what I can get. Mom thinks that my brother is just one of those people that takes longer to grow up. I guess we'll see....

Want a personalized experience?

UPDATE: Family Gender Disappointment Drama (previous loss briefly mentioned)

Re: UPDATE: Family Gender Disappointment Drama (previous loss briefly mentioned)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards