Can I vent to you guys for a second?

BeebopandBuddy · January 2015

I kind of don't have anywhere else to put this. Talking about it only makes DH mad because he doesn't understand mental health stuff. Unfortunately, I understand it all too well.

My brother is drinking again. I mentioned a few months ago, in October that he had gone through serious withdrawal after a stomach virus which included delusions and hallucinations and landed him in the ICU. My parents pulled 8 empty gallon jugs of vodka from his car trunk. He was there 4 days and discharged with anxiety medication. He drinks to cope with his anxiety disorder because he hates medications. Of course, he went off the medication in November and my parents found a handful of bottles of their expensive wine in the trunk of his car last week. They threatened to kick him out of the house if they caught him stealing from them again, but that's all they could do.

The counselor in me knows that there is nothing that anyone can do if he doesn't want to get help. My counseling experience knows that this road ends with jail or death if he doesn't stop. However, the sister and Type-A individual in me wants to do something, anything, to try to get him to get treatment.

He won't go to rehab because he has only been at his job 5 months, so he would probably lose it and, along with it, his insurance that he finally got. If I was there and could communicate with him I could try to convince him to take the anxiety meds, but I'm in NJ and he's in TX, and he doesn't answer my calls. My mother has her own mental health issues and my father has his hands full with her, so they don't really know what to do.

I'm so upset. He and I haven't been close since we were kids. He withdraws and has mental health issues, so we don't really talk. It takes all he has to sit with us and visit for a couple of hours when we visit there, even though he lives in the same house. He just stays upstairs. He is my only brother though and I just can't believe that I'm sitting back watching him waste away. I just don't know what else to do.

If you read all of that, I'm sorry for the depression.

melody921 · January 2015

Wow, first of all, I am so sorry. It's horrifying to watch someone you love harm himself in any way. You are right that you can't make him get treatment. All you can do is lovingly suggest ways he can get help. Would he consider outpatient treatment that would allow him to keep working? Is there a family friend or someone who is in Texas and close enough to him to talk to him in person since you can't be there? What is it he hates about the anxiety meds? Maybe there are other med options that wouldn't have undesirable side effects, if you could convince him to go to the doc.

tinyhumantoe · January 2015

I am so sorry ((hugs)) I really don't know what to say. That is really heartbreaking

BeebopandBuddy · January 2015

melody921 said:

Wow, first of all, I am so sorry. It's horrifying to watch someone you love harm himself in any way. You are right that you can't make him get treatment. All you can do is lovingly suggest ways he can get help. Would he consider outpatient treatment that would allow him to keep working? Is there a family friend or someone who is in Texas and close enough to him to talk to him in person since you can't be there? What is it he hates about the anxiety meds? Maybe there are other med options that wouldn't have undesirable side effects, if you could convince him to go to the doc.

He was briefly seeing a counselor but I'm not sure that he's still going. In October I looked up a bunch of places online and my dad did all the research to connect him with someone. He won't do anything for himself. He will be 33 next month and he acts like a teenager.

He has always hated medication. He says it's from watching my mom take so many meds our whole lives and that he doesn't want to be dependent on medication like that. However. my mother has been a fully-functioning person at times and has lived a pretty fulfilling life, so I'm not sure what he thinks is so terrible about it. I don't think he has even taken anything long enough or consistently enough to experience a negative side effect.

I think that if he would get on board with taking medication regularly, he could stop drinking as he would no longer need the alcohol to cope with his anxiety. I just don't know who can talk to him and what they could say to get him on board. I knew as soon as he stopped taking the meds in November that we would be dealing with this.

tinyhumantoe · January 2015

MarisaKathleen · January 2015

I've been where you are, and I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

I know that you know that there's nothing you can do, but when you need to talk, you can always put it here! :-)

tinyhumantoe · January 2015

I am honestly trying to think of some advice or consoling words to say but it is just a terrible situation for all involved. I haven't dealt with it, so I have no experience. My brother's best friend spend the holiday in the hospital with his ex-wife who has been to rehab 3 times for alcohol abuse, because she tried to commit suicide for fourth time. I felt lost with what to say in that situation, too. It's such a powerless position to be in to watch someone self-destruct.

AlinnJo · January 2015

I am so sorry @BeebopandBuddy‌. I wish I had some awesome advice for you but I have to agree with your counselor side. Until he wants help to change, there is nothing you can do.

My MIL has started drinking even more heavily since her husband died. She came over last week for an hour and pulled her own bud lights out of her purse because we never really have any alcohol in the house. We've talked about not drinking excessively while around Q but she doesn't listen. We don't let her watch Q because she's lied about drinking while watching her before.

I'm so sorry. Feeling helpless is the WORST. Especially when you're professionally trained to help. Please feel free to vent here as much as you want. It helps to "talk" it out. My H doesn't want to talk about it either. He knows it's a problem and he'd rather just ignore it since we can't change it.

Pokedot · January 2015

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

We dealt with this exact thing with my BIL a couple of years ago. It was so bad he didn't even know who we were. Talked to us like we just met. It was so strange and scary.

It's true if he doesn't want help there is nothing you can do. Try to be a support for your parents and him. If you need to talk at all we're here for you.

Cheenomae · January 2015

Anytime you need to talk or vent we are here for you!!

Hugs, lady!

jenndub · January 2015

I'm so sorry, that must be so incredibly hard. Just wanted to offer hugs and support, I wish I had some brilliant advice to go along with it.

MommaP12 · January 2015

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine dealing with it at all let alone being a trained professional in it! I guess the only thing that would comfort me in that case is to keep reaching out even if he never calls you back or texts back. Maybe just keep saying over and over "when you're ready to get help, we're here for you." I don't know, maybe that's not the right thing to do but it would make me feel better about my part in it to keep offering. I'm so, so sorry.

@Cheenomae I'm so sorry for your situation too - dealing with it twice over and your mother. Hugs. You guys, you are so strong.

MRoxy0628 · January 2015

I'm agree with @Cheenomae‌'s post, especially regarding trying to help without enabling. Perhaps your parents could give an ultimatum that requires him getting some outpatient treatment in order to continue living with them? They'd have to be serious about following through with it though. I'm sure that's scary for them to think about doing.

I'm sorry to everyone who's gone or going through this. I can commiserate as my dad is a recovering alcoholic, but hasn't drank (for the most part) since I was in college. Like others I know how frustrating it can be to stand by and watch this.

Hugs to you @BeebopandBuddy‌.

BeebopandBuddy · January 2015

Thanks you guys. It makes me sad that so many of us have dealt with this but I thank you all so much for listening and offering your support.

kelbel527 · January 2015

I also just wanted to pop in with big big hugs. So sorry you're dealing with this.

I would overwhelming feel the need to protect my brother and help him, but I think you're doing a good job listening to your counseling side. He needs to want to get help.

I have no good advice...just sending T&Ps to you and your family. Many many hugs to all the ladies on here who are dealing or have dealt with similar situations. It's so hard to feel helpless in these situations.

bosha711 · January 2015

So sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine how hard it must be wAnting to help, but being so far away. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to offer big hugs.

27boo · January 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

PenelopePond · January 2015

Big hugs. I'm so sorry you're in such a tough situation. I know very little about these things, so I was hoping what happened a few months ago would be enough to scare him straight. I don't have any advice, but I hope he's eventually able to turn things around.

miss50 · January 2015

Such a hopeless feeling. Big hug and prayers for your family.

Unknown · January 2015

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redneckmomma25 · January 2015

I have no advice. I'm sorry you are going through this. Seems like such a helpless situation and a stressful one.

smb+jab · January 2015

((big hugs)) I am sorry you are going through this. its very hard to watch a loved one essentially self destruct. However you have said it yourself, you can only help him if he wants to be helped. We have had similar issues with my father with drinking / depression and he's had good times and bad times. However its only when he wants to help himself that he begins to "recover"

As for things you can do, can you try to talk to him more. Maybe set a weekly phone call / or Skype session so that he can talk to you can your kids. Maybe seeing what he has a wonderful niece and nephew will motive him to live a healthier life (I know this works with my dad, as there have been times when he was upset he missed out on big events with his grandson due to his drinking / depression).

hopefully he want to change for the better. hang in there

Flamingemu · January 2015

I am really sorry, but I have no advice. Nothing I have done has helped my mother. I have tried involving her more, cutting her out completely, using the baby as leverage (I suck, I know), and nothing will get her off her destructive spiral. She has been in rehab twice. She comes out clean and sorry and after a year or so turns back to the booze. I, and my family, have tried everything we can think of, but you are right, unless the addict wants to be better, there is only so much you can do.

I am so very sorry you have this burden. I am here to chat if you want to bounce ideas.

hmp1 · January 2015

Big hugs and thoughts for you as you work through this. I don't have any advice, just know we are here anytime you need to vent.

The closest I can relate is a good friend from college that didn't break her party ways as we all started our careers. It took a good 10 years of hard drinking, 2 week long stays in the hospital, and an abortion to snap her out of it. She wasn't family so I ended up just separating myself from the situation and now that she has stopped drinking completely and has a family, we have reconnected. It was realizing that she did want kids but was not healthy enough to have them that finally clicked with her to clean up her life. I hope your brother finds the meaning in his life to make him want to be healthy.

Holly_1007 · January 2015

I just wanted to offer support. I have no advice though. Hugs to you, lady

BeebopandBuddy · January 2015

dimples12 said:

BeebopandBuddy said:

melody921 said:

Wow, first of all, I am so sorry. It's horrifying to watch someone you love harm himself in any way. You are right that you can't make him get treatment. All you can do is lovingly suggest ways he can get help. Would he consider outpatient treatment that would allow him to keep working? Is there a family friend or someone who is in Texas and close enough to him to talk to him in person since you can't be there? What is it he hates about the anxiety meds? Maybe there are other med options that wouldn't have undesirable side effects, if you could convince him to go to the doc.

He was briefly seeing a counselor but I'm not sure that he's still going. In October I looked up a bunch of places online and my dad did all the research to connect him with someone. He won't do anything for himself. He will be 33 next month and he acts like a teenager.

He has always hated medication. He says it's from watching my mom take so many meds our whole lives and that he doesn't want to be dependent on medication like that. However. my mother has been a fully-functioning person at times and has lived a pretty fulfilling life, so I'm not sure what he thinks is so terrible about it. I don't think he has even taken anything long enough or consistently enough to experience a negative side effect.

I think that if he would get on board with taking medication regularly, he could stop drinking as he would no longer need the alcohol to cope with his anxiety. I just don't know who can talk to him and what they could say to get him on board. I knew as soon as he stopped taking the meds in November that we would be dealing with this.

This breaks my heart for you, BB&B. I hear you on the tug of sister and counselor. My brother has bipolar I and self medicates with weed, alcohol, and girls. He knows I love him but I can't do much to change his ways. He hasn't decided meds and stability are worth giving up or cutting back on the other. Is there any way your brother can see a counselor who is trained in motivational interviewing and has more of a harm reduction approach? Perhaps that would ease towards meds and eventually, abstinence or stability.

When I originally helped them find a counselor it was for my dad, not my brother. My dad wanted to figure out boundaries, enabling, etc. I found him someone with CBT and MI experience. He talked my brother into going with him and my brother started seeing the guy. He seemed to like him and, as far as I know, he's still going, so I'm really hoping he can help get him to open up to medication.

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