Opinion Needed: Am I being a typical FTM or is this legitimate?

bossybluejay · January 2015

I have my monthly doctors appointments every 4 weeks and since my 16 week appointment was this week, I was planning on doing the A/S in 4 weeks so I could have my OB visit right after. My inlaws live out of state and come to town and stay with us every February and normally its close to Valentines day but this year, it's the first week of February. I'm not close to them- they're very nice but much different than my family (i.e. my MIL gets all upset when I accidentally swear in front of her (like the time 'fuck' slipped out of my mouth) and they always seem to offer up advice about things based on what my husbands brother and his wife are doing, and since they recently had a baby, its all baby advice. When we saw them for Christmas it was all, "this is the highchair they use, it's the best highchair ever, you guys have to get it!".

Anyways, since this is our first time being pregnant, I had this vision of us finding out the sex of the baby and going out to dinner to celebrate...you know, there's only one first time you find out the sex of your first child! But since they will be here....it will be like, I'll have to cook dinner and then we'll probably get offered baby advice and it just won't be as special. Plus, I'm extremely close to my mom and I don't like the thought of "celebrating" it with them and not my parents who will be out of town that month. I keep making up my mind to just move the appointment to the next week but then I convince myself that I'm being a weirdo first time mom for even caring so much. Just wanted to know if other people would even care or if they would just keep it during the original week?

girlymama79 · January 2015

I don't get along with my MIL at all. Her baby advice is crap like I had my kids potty trained at 18 months (bs they where in daycare and very long hours of it at that). Personally I would move it if it was me.

TeacherMama7 · January 2015

I would move the appointment. Finding out the sex is something special, and if you want to share it with just your husband, that is totally understandable!!!! I love my i laws but I would also want to share that special moment with my husband.

elbowpasta · January 2015

You're not being weird, that would bother me too. That said, I wouldn't move your appointment just for that... MILs are all ridiculous. Every single one of them.

I would tell MIL (since they're visiting for a while, it sounds like?) that you're going out to dinner to celebrate and they're welcome to join you if they'd like. That way you don't have to cook, you can have a special dinner that they might opt out of- my MIL would- and you can just coast on good feelings all the way to the bank. If she's going to gripe through dinner she's going to gripe through dinner, but at least you won't have cooked it.

AlyLynn07 · January 2015

You are not being unreasonable at all. It is a very big deal and a special time to share with your husband alone if you so choose!

bossybluejay · January 2015

elbowpasta said:

You're not being weird, that would bother me too. That said, I wouldn't move your appointment just for that... MILs are all ridiculous. Every single one of them.

I would tell MIL (since they're visiting for a while, it sounds like?) that you're going out to dinner to celebrate and they're welcome to join you if they'd like. That way you don't have to cook, you can have a special dinner that they might opt out of- my MIL would- and you can just coast on good feelings all the way to the bank. If she's going to gripe through dinner she's going to gripe through dinner, but at least you won't have cooked it.

Oh they would definitely come- and we would end up paying for the entire dinner. Probably my least favorite thing about their visits...we buy all the groceries to cook every night and then end up taking them to dinner too. And agreed, MILs are their own special breed of ridiculous.

thelittlestbee · January 2015

Edited because I saw your follow up.

Just move the appointment, you will be happier in the end.

bossybluejay · January 2015

Note: I have not scheduled the A/S yet. I need to schedule it tomorrow after my appointment so I'm trying to decide what to do now. I try to schedule them on Fridays because it works out better for me so I would just move it to the following week and try to do it on a Monday or Tuesday.

blu-eyedwife · January 2015

Eh I could go either way on this. On the one hand, I don't get along with my inlaws, so I prefer not to include them in a lot of things. So I get your feelings on this and don't think you're unreasonable. However, I also don't really see making a big deal about finding out the sex, the need to go out to dinner to celebrate, so I can't relate in that sense.

Can you compromise? Schedule the ultrasound in the morning and grab lunch with your DH before heading back to work?

cnoelle92 · January 2015

I personally haven't had any issues with my boyfriends mother, I've been pretty fortunate on that aspect. But my ex-husband's mother was terrible, so I do know some MILs are just down right ridiculous. I personally would move the appointment and just share that moment with my S/O. That was there is no drama, no unwanted advice coming from her end, just a good time with your husband.

leenziepops · January 2015

You have the right to enjoy some time with just you and your DH. I would sort it out and change the appointment (because you can't change their interstate trip) so that you get the alone time.

I think the first time for special things are worth being precious about. I also don't want you to regret not having the special time. When my DH and I bought our house and got the keys, my MIL had to come and she was very annoying running through the house checking everything opening and closing all the doors. She had already seen the house with us 2 times prior to getting the keys. I had a bottle of sparkling and two glasses. I didn't expect she was coming so I ended up giving her a glass and me and DH shared one. And the moment was absolutely SHIT. So please, do what it is your heart desires.

bossybluejay · January 2015

blu-eyedwife said:

Eh I could go either way on this. On the one hand, I don't get along with my inlaws, so I prefer not to include them in a lot of things. So I get your feelings on this and don't think you're unreasonable. However, I also don't really see making a big deal about finding out the sex, the need to go out to dinner to celebrate, so I can't relate in that sense.

Can you compromise? Schedule the ultrasound in the morning and grab lunch with your DH before heading back to work?

Yeah, this is why I'm conflicted. I think my main issue is that I'm really not looking forward to getting baby advice...they go onnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnn about how my 6 month old niece is the cutest baby in the whole world (they have 4 other grandkids, so kind of an odd comment to make) and then proceed to give us advice based on her. I know they have good intentions but it just grates on my nerves. With that said, my nerves are grated on very easily. The last time they were here, she called me out for MOUTHING the word 'fuck' (in my own home!) and it was all I could to not jump all over her. Also, they teeter on the edge of anti-vaccine/let your kid play in the dirt for natural immunities which I don't want to get an earful of while they're here either. Neither of those have anything to do with the A/S but it's kind of why I would rather not celebrate with them

bossybluejay · January 2015

Silv3rlining said:

Does your OB do the AS at their office or send you out? Mine sends me to an MFM. When I had my 16 week appt she had one of the staff call ans schedule it for 3-4 weeks from then. She particularly wanted to have the result before I went in for my 20 week appt. Is it possible you could schedule it before your ILs visit? They're typically done between 18-20 weeks.

They do it at their office..my plan was to have it during my 19th week and I'm afraid if I do it earlier, I'll risk them not being able to tell the gender. They had a little class for newly pregnant parents and they said that if you wanted to know the sex during the A/S, do it closer to 21 weeks. No idea why, but that's what she said.

Trampslikeus · January 2015

I adore my in laws, but I hear you, we are also planning on a romantic dinner to open the envelope and that would spoil it a bit.

If you can move the appt, do it, if not , could you have the willpower to leave the envelope closed somewhere until the inlaws leave?

bossybluejay · January 2015

Trampslikeus said:

I adore my in laws, but I hear you, we are also planning on a romantic dinner to open the envelope and that would spoil it a bit. If you can move the appt, do it, if not , could you have the willpower to leave the envelope closed somewhere until the inlaws leave?

You know, I actually didn't think of that. That's not a bad idea! That's definitely something to consider.

My other thought was having my parents over for dinner that night to celebrate with the grandparents. Buttttt, my dad makes inappropriate jokes and swears and my inlaws are very religious so I don't think it would go over well haha.

walshbunnie · January 2015

Since it isn't scheduled yet I would go for the 21 week appointment and avoid the in-law drama. I had my AS at 21 weeks with my first and it was just fine.

lilyellow · January 2015

I can totally relate to what you're feeling. If I were in your situation, I would move it to have that special time with my husband. If it's going to stress you out or if you feel like it will take away from your joy, move it. And don't feel bad about it!!!

awheeler4311 · January 2015

My H and I made a big deal about opening the sealed envelope alone together on Christmas morning to find out the sex. We looked forward to it for weeks and it was such a beautiful, special moment for the two of us. We then opened presents and made breakfast before we even called family to let them know. I loved it being our little secret, even if it was for just an hour. I wouldn't have changed that special moment for anything. It's actually changed the way I'm handling the pregnancy (like not having my mom in the delivery room like I have thought bc I enjoyed that moment so much that I want it to just be us) and brought H and I closer.

I would have flipped shit if my MIL was there (she's also crazy). Not worth ruining the moment by being stressed about their advice or what they think or have to say. Let it be just between the two of you.

Katerina&Baby · January 2015

If your inlaws could potentially find out about the U/S during their trip, I'd suggest you move the U/S itself instead of employing the envelope idea (which I love, BTW) because they might pressure you guys into opening it with them. Either way, I think a special dinner after/with finding out the sex of your baby is an absolutely adorable idea and don't you for one second feel weird or ridiculous for wanting to have a special moment alone with your husband to celebrate it.

crashski13 · January 2015

Why do you have to do dinner with them that night? Can you just go to the appointments then to dinner and have a night out with your DH away from them? Its just one night and it's just dinner. Not like you'll be out all night. And will he advise be different based on the sex of your baby or will that be something you'll have to listen to either way?

bossybluejay · January 2015

crashski13 said:

Why do you have to do dinner with them that night? Can you just go to the appointments then to dinner and have a night out with your DH away from them? Its just one night and it's just dinner. Not like you'll be out all night. And will he advise be different based on the sex of your baby or will that be something you'll have to listen to either way?

Because I would feel incredibly rude just saying "ok bye, we're off to dinner!". My husband sees his family about twice a year, at the most, and I'm just not really willing to do that, as much as I would love to.

erbear84 · January 2015

If you want to go ahead with the appointment date, I'd just have them write it in an envelope and do your special celebration later.

ksimo6 · January 2015

I would move the appointment and would not feel bad about it at all.

housewifebecomesher · January 2015

bossybluejay said:

elbowpasta said:

You're not being weird, that would bother me too. That said, I wouldn't move your appointment just for that... MILs are all ridiculous. Every single one of them.

I would tell MIL (since they're visiting for a while, it sounds like?) that you're going out to dinner to celebrate and they're welcome to join you if they'd like. That way you don't have to cook, you can have a special dinner that they might opt out of- my MIL would- and you can just coast on good feelings all the way to the bank. If she's going to gripe through dinner she's going to gripe through dinner, but at least you won't have cooked it.

Oh they would definitely come- and we would end up paying for the entire dinner. Probably my least favorite thing about their visits...we buy all the groceries to cook every night and then end up taking them to dinner too. And agreed, MILs are their own special breed of ridiculous.

This is my inlaws too! I would move the appointment.

daydreamernyc · January 2015

bossybluejay said:

Silv3rlining said:

Does your OB do the AS at their office or send you out? Mine sends me to an MFM. When I had my 16 week appt she had one of the staff call ans schedule it for 3-4 weeks from then. She particularly wanted to have the result before I went in for my 20 week appt. Is it possible you could schedule it before your ILs visit? They're typically done between 18-20 weeks.

They do it at their office..my plan was to have it during my 19th week and I'm afraid if I do it earlier, I'll risk them not being able to tell the gender. They had a little class for newly pregnant parents and they said that if you wanted to know the sex during the A/S, do it closer to 21 weeks. No idea why, but that's what she said.

They are able to tell as early as the early anatomy scan which is at 16 weeks. I would move it up a week to when you are 18 weeks. There shouldn't be any issues with seeing the sex

littlechemist · January 2015

I thankfully don't have terrible in-law issues, but I can totally understand where you're coming from in wanting that to be something special between you and your H. As PPs have suggested, I would say either move the appointment or have the U/S tech put your results in an envelope so you can get the news whenever is best suited for you.

Yes, you could also just "suck it up" as others have said, but clearly it is bothering you (though I don't think not finding out the sex will prevent your MIL from offering advice). If it bothers you then I suggest doing something about it to change the situation for the better, and if the best you can do is delay your finding out the sex, then so be it!

Bednarova · January 2015

Change the appt. Celebrate it however you want without the debbie downer ILs.

My A/S with DS was at 21w, bc I knew it was my last US, and I wanted it later, so the time between the scan and meeting him was as short as possible.

LadySif · January 2015

I agree, change it. What they don't know won't hurt them and you will always remember the moment - make it what you want.

girlyjo · January 2015

I'd move the appt. I think it's legit. I hope it works out.

bossybluejay · January 2015

Thank you for the advice, everyone! I had my 16 week appointment today and the dr actually recommended that I just do the A/S in 3 weeks. So, I'm going to do it at the beginning of the week that they come, when they won't be here yet

kpgrala · January 2015

@bossybluejay‌ I was the same way. We did it near my birthday so all family both sides could be there. You do what you would like to do. This is your first (its mine too) and you should be able to celebrate it the way you would like.

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