TTMs - avoiding jealousy with new baby?

LadySif · January 2015

I am already terrified of this. Any tips? What did you do? I'm a SAHM and DS is used to my undivided attention. He is so excited about baby right now, but I think it is going to be an extremely hard adjustment on him and he'll be very jealous. I'm also having mommy-guilt for baby as I won't have the same ability to dote on him/her the way I did DS when he was born. I know Daddy will be a big player in helping with this, and grandparents, and doing gifts for him too, special outings etc., setting aside some of my time for him... is it a horrible idea to have him spend a little time at his grandparents after we're settled back home and DH's paternity leave is up? Like 2-3 days with them, just so I have a few alone with baby to bond and he has their undivided attention? This is probably a bad idea. I obviously don't want to have him feel neglected or abandoned, but I also want to have some bonding time with baby without a jealous toddler while sleep deprived and adjusting to bfing again, etc. I'm rambling, sorry. Thoughts?

micaelareppucci · January 2015

Following. In the same situation. I'm slightly dreading the birth because I have to share my time.

enjoylife · January 2015

My older two are 20 months apart. Sending the older one away wasn't really an option since he was so little he wouldn't understand and he wanted to be home with us anyways. We read lots of big brother stories about a month before the baby was born and let him explore all the big baby gear before there was a tiny one in it. When the baby was sleeping I put him down (swing, rock n play, crib or wore him) and played "big boy toys" with my older. Newborns sleep quite a bit those early weeks so he still had lots of playtime with just mom or just dad. When little brother had longer wake cycles he'd sit and chill in the nap nanny and watch us play the big kid toys or hang out on a playmat once he was fed/changed. I was breast feeding so I usually tried to setup DS1 with some activity just before a feeding or have him bring some books or toys and I'd read and watch him play while feeding ds2. I didn't really force the "helper" on ds1 he didn't really care to be involved by fetching toys or diapers for the baby but I do know that's a strategy. We just made sure if the baby was asleep that we had 1:1 time where we focused in ds1 and what he wanted to do. Seemed to work out well for us, the new baby didn't really seem to impact him too much until ds2 was mobile and starting to get into all of the toys.....then the jealousy and sharing lessons began

mamahawk12 · January 2015

My boys would LOVE to go spend a few days at nana and pawpaw's house. It's like better than Disney World to them. I say do it. I had horrible mommy guilt before having my second. Sobbed the whole way to the hospital because I was certain I was ruining his life. (Update: it didn't)

As long as you are doing your best to divide your time and setting aside things to do 1:1 with your older child, they will adjust just fine... They always do

Trampslikeus · January 2015

I spent a ton of time with my grandmother when my sister was born (I was 22 months and a huge pain in the ass). As a result, I had an extremely close relationship with my grandmother for the rest of her life. I definitely have no recollection of feeling neglected or unloved by my mom, in fact I thought it was a special treat and I was the favorite because I got animal shaped pancakes.

Tl;dr - if grandparents are an option, do that up

girlymama79 · January 2015

Right before I went to the hospital to have dd2 I called my mom bawling! Wondering why i would ever want to have another child because I love dd1 so much. It was ruff at first. First dd1 ignored dd2 then she was angry. It only lasted a month maybe then she loved her. Giving your child a sibling is the greatest gift you can ever give them.

mamahawk12 · January 2015

JimBobCooter said:

Also following. My almost 8 year old told me the other day that he thinks I care about the baby more than him.

Not to minimize his feelings, but I doubt he really feels that way. I was 8 when my parents had my little brother; I said that kind of crap to them all the time to make them feel bad/hear what I wanted to hear/etc. Once the baby is here take advantage of having an older child and get him involved as much as he is comfortable with - and then make sure to shower him with the "wow, you're such a great brother! Baby Cooter is so lucky to have you!" type stuff... he'll do great!!

jlw5053 · January 2015

Great responses! I think everyone deals with guilt prior to having their second....but like said previously, a sibling is the best gift! My daughter wanted nothing to do with me after my son was born and wanted only my husband. We just went with it and realized it was her way of controlling the situation. I made it a point to put him down and focus solely on her when I could...and this phase lasted only a few days. Having family around to help the older child feel just as special is a great help.

housewifebecomesher · January 2015

Someone told me it is actually sometimes easier to pay attention to the older one because they can express what they want! Following for advice on how to handle this...great question OP!

tinybugsmom · January 2015

My sister had toddlers at home, 1 when her 2nd was born and 2 when th e 3rd came along......

The first 2-3 weeks were easy and they were distracted by the "new" of the baby, the baby clothes, the diapers, etc. And like PP said... newborn s sleep a lot so my sister still had time with the older ones.

It was after that 2-3 week mark when the jealousy and behavior issues started.

But... consistency is key. She started transitioning the older ones to get used to independent play at random times during the day so when the baby came, if she needed a moment she could pull something out or send them to their busy table.

She also put together bins for each with special quiet activities they could do while sitting next to her while she nursed.

Sending them away for a few days right after might help you but it won't stop any jealousy.... that happens later after the novelty wears off.

KimberlyandThor2014 · January 2015

Great topic @LadySif‌!

Glad to read some advice on this as DD will be almost 10 when baby is born, and she has already let us know she feels afraid that we might love him more than her, and that he will take up all our time because he's a baby and needs too much help. I know this is a great start because she is recognizing her feelings and feels comfortable communicating them, now I want to make sure I do my part to honor her feelings, take care of baby, and also myself and DH.

willowprincess · January 2015

I think the biggest thing is that we didn't do anything "special". It wasn't a huge deal in the sense that they were going to be a big sibling. Throughout the pregnancy we would reference OUR baby, so they knew the baby is for all of us. But that's really it. When baby is here nothing special is done for the older kids. We also let them hold the baby as much as they (reasonably) want, with supervision of course. They help take care of the baby. It is theirs as much as it is mine.

Also, sometimes they have to wait while I care for the baby. But sometimes the baby has to wait while I do something for my older ones. Both of those are okay, and I just say that's part of being a family.

LadySif · January 2015

Thank you, ladies, this is why I love this board.

You all have great suggestions, thank you! I feel better after reading this. I will start stock-piling some new activities/things for DS and I may do the grandparent thing - thanks for the support there. A friend was a bit appalled, I think, when I mentioned it as an idea so I thought perhaps it was some big no-no I didn't know the reasoning for, but DS does so well with his grandparents that I think he would love it. I'd welcome a couple days after the initial hullabaloo, I think, to be able to just nap when baby naps, focus entirely on baby and his/her routine and babyisms, and not feel guilty about not spending time with DS. Thanks all!

Clbehenna · January 2015

This is a really helpful thread! We may have to do another one closer to delivery time...just to calm our nerves.

My DS1 also adores his grandparents, and has a monthly overnight date by my in laws, so I think we will take advantage of that relationship the first few days. I also love the idea of busy boxes for feeding time. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, ladies!

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