Non-pregnant Parent Check-In 1/7

CageyMack · January 2015

Hi People!

Per the thread I posted a little while ago, I'm starting a new check-in!

Purpose: this thread is for non-carrying parents of babies, before, during, and/or after the birth. Being the non-carrying parent is a different experience, and this is a place to share experiences and offer support. You can still check in on the pregnancy check-in, too!

When: I will try to post this check-in at the beginning of the week. If I miss it and you want it, start it! I have no ownership.

So let's get started!

Introduce yourself (ages, stats, where you are in the process, etc.)
What's your story? Maybe how you came to be the non-carrying partner?
Biggest fear as non-carrying partner and greatest joy as non-carrying partner.

CageyMack · January 2015

Introduce yourself (ages, stats, where you are in the process, etc.)
CageyMack. Ages? Who asks for that?

DW is 33 and I'm 37. We are crazy and live in Hawaii, for DW's work. We are originally from Oregon and will be there again someday soon. We have two dogs that both smell, but I don't know why.

DW is 38 weeks carrying our 3rd baby. I carried our first two, though I brought our elder daughter from a previous relationship. So DS is our first together baby and this new baby is my DW's first baby-from-her-belly. Known donor, IVF with ICSI and no embryos left.

What's your story? Maybe how you came to be the non-carrying partner?
DW always wanted children. When we got together, we thought she would be the one to carry them all. Her job is very stressful and so, when we realized it would be years before she had the babies, I decided I could be pregnant. And I'm so happy I did! Once DW's job settled down a little, we started trying to have her carry the next baby. We had no idea how hard it would be. Basically, it was almost impossible. There is no way for us to have another baby after this one. Her whole life, all my DW wanted was to have kids, so there is a lot wrapped up in this pregnancy. Yes, we have a couple already, but it matters a lot that she carries a baby.

Biggest fear as non-carrying partner and greatest joy as non-carrying partner.

My biggest fear is that she won't have a good experience, that I had it too easy and she will have it too hard. I want her pregnancy and birth to be wonderful, but there are no promises on that front.

My greatest joy has been watching her really enjoy her pregnancy. I simply cannot wait for our wonderful new baby, and I'm so, so, so happy to be able to be her support on her journey. I also like feeling nervous and confused in a different way than I did with the babies I grew. I feel like a novice!

Manada · January 2015

I will participate today

Introduce yourself (ages, stats, where you are in the process, etc.)

I'm @Manada, my partner is @Healz413. People know us around here I'm 32, H. is 33.
We were 29 & 30 when we started out our project "Get a Baby". We are now on IVF with H's eggs.

What's your story? Maybe how you came to be the non-carrying partner?

Our story is long and tragic, so I won't do the whole thing. Short story is that I have come to become the non-carrying partner following the loss of our Twins last summer, who I carried to 21 weeks. I would like to be pregnant, but I am also afraid to repeat the experience - so I have decided that I don't feel like I can carry for the time being. I have lots of feelings about that, and find myself desperately looking for options for intervention to increase my odds of carrying a pregnancy successfully - but I also feel like our family would really benefit from a take-home baby before embarking on that journey.

I also feel strongly that any embryos we have should have the best chances we can offer them, and for now - that's not being carried in my body.

H. has always expressed a desire to be pregnant, and so I am happy to support her in that position, but I do wish it were under different circumstances where we were both very confident in our abilities to carry healthy pregnancies.

Biggest fear as non-carrying partner and greatest joy as non-carrying partner.

I am mostly afraid at not being able to spend time with our L.O. if we get to bring them home. We get generous pregnancy and parental leave in Canada, but it is also heavily skewed to privilege the birth parent being the one who stays home. Honestly, not being able to have significant time with a baby we bring home because I didn't carry them, is one of the biggest fears that I have. I'm also afraid of being considered a lesser-parent by the world, our families, or our kid.

I really like supporting H. I love that being pregnant has already meant that I get to take care of her more. It's also nice to have a chance to use my experience of pregnancy to help her out as I recognize what she's going through.

Karlamo · January 2015

I'll chime in. I feel more like a veteran at this now that R is 11 months old compared to where I was at emotionally when we brought him home.
1. I'm 34 and my wife, mamosey is 34. Rudy is going on 11 months.

Our story?
My wife had a stronger desire to be pregnant than I did at the time. She went thru 12 IUI's followed by 2 failed IVF cycles before given the dx of DOR at the ripe old age of 32. We then got insurance approval to use my eggs. She got pregnant the first try with my eggs. While reciprocal IVF was never our intent, it feels like it was how it was meant to be for us.

Biggest fears? Joys?
I spent the entire pregnancy worried how and where I'd fit into his life. I didn't want to be seen as a mothers helper and get stuck cleaning the house and cooking while my wife rested and bonded with R. I took 1 month leave after he was born. I'm quite assertive IRL and used that to put myself in the thick of caring for R. I wore him all the time, I took care of him half the night (we made shifts) and I also induced lactation and was lucky that it worked. Being able to breastfeed R was the best decision I made as the non-carrying mom. I got to bond with him on a whole new level. I was able to bf till he was 8-9 months and just weaned for my current pregnancy.
Despite all of my efforts there were still many moments when I felt left out. Like when visitors came by and wanted to hear the birth story from my wife and not me. Or when R preferred her over me.
Now almost a year out, R is obsessed with me and cries when I leave the room. It's hard on my wife since she carried him she thought he would be more attached to her than me.
Anyway there's a lot more I could say but I'll pause here.

Quick note: I only started participating on this board after R was born. I lurked while my wife was pregnant but felt like there were no other non carrying mommas on here. I'm so happy to see there's such a big group of us!

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