Husband help. NCDR

bumpuser5078523 · January 2015

Totally random, but I need help being nicer to H. It may sound dumb, but I am struggling with it and it's hurting us.

He has stepped up his game and I have even had whole days where I am kid free. After a few hours I'm back to being bitchy. Instead of it getting better with time, it's getting worse.

What are some things you guys do to keep peace in your marriage?

stoneycakes · January 2015

AFwifelife said:

Alcohol.

This made me LLOL, but I'm also usually nicer after a drink or two. Of course, that's not a good long term plan

Brandiewine11 · January 2015

Is there something specific that is bothering you? Are you tired? Depressed? Hormones?

I would really try to figure out the source of the problem. Is it something he is doing/not doing? Or something internal causing you to react that way to stuff? Maybe you can talk about it. Acknowledge that you know how you're acting, apologize, and attempt to explain why if possible. Tell him what you need, if that's it.

If the problem is something internal for you, try to figure out what it is. For example, when I am really tired I get bitchy and over react to stuff. I apologize, and then try to take a relaxing shower and go to bed early and have DH give R a bottle at his first wake up so I can get a little uninterrupted sleep.

If the problem is bigger, perhaps talking to a marriage counselor would help?

I really think communication is the key to a happy marriage. Things aren't perfect here by any means, but when something is wrong, talking about it and owning the solution really go a long way.

<Hugs!> I really hope it gets better for you!

Kelly11235 · January 2015

Chocolate.

When I realized I've been a crabby Kelly, I apologize to him. Usually the reason I'm upset has nothing to do with him. Sometimes it does lol.

I try to communicate and talk to him before I go into "bitch mode".

bumpuser5078523 · January 2015

I think I am overwhelmed with the kids and keeping the house in some sort of order. He does help when I ask, and he really does try. I don't know why I'm such a bitch. It could also be hormones.

Into+the+Kitty · January 2015

How often do you guys have sex or cuddle? Rhetorical question, but I find when I'm not physically connecting with J I also become emotionally withdrawn and aggressive.

TJ1979 · January 2015

Into+the+Kitty said:
How often do you guys have sex or cuddle? Rhetorical question, but I find when I'm not physically connecting with J I also become emotionally withdrawn and aggressive.

I have found this too. Mh needs the sexy time to stay happy, I need the physical touch, hugs, hand holding, back rubs, etc.

Or you can do kike maple schooled us that one day. Remember when she was walking with her H and making a mental list of DL the ways he was wrong that day? Then she realized she was the crabby pants, so she took his hand. When you catch yourself being s bitch, turn it around. Do something nice instead. (I know this is easier said than done. Just try.)

BoothBaby · January 2015

This is going to sound super cliche, but I try to remind myself that he isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me. It's so true....NO one else would put up with my bullshit like he does (I just mean the everyday stuff that I know drives other people crazy).

sarenu1 · January 2015

Into+the+Kitty said:

How often do you guys have sex or cuddle? Rhetorical question, but I find when I'm not physically connecting with J I also become emotionally withdrawn and aggressive.

Totally with you on this one. It's improved both of our attitudes.

ElleBeeDub · January 2015

In general, I agree with all the communication and physical affection suggestions. For us, when I feel myself being cranky, I intentionally do something nice for J (make his favorite dinner, take care of something he normally handles...). Somehow doing something to deliberately act loving helps me feel more loving. I suppose you could say I fake til I make it.

zaraceligon · January 2015

I'm with ITK, if I don't have sex I'm not only mad,I'm in a pain,and with a lot of headache. Also if I don't take a nap during the day. How you organize your time, keeping the house clean will be a pain if you don't made time for your self. Also I recommend you to take primrose oil pills,they will help to calm your mod.

bumpuser5078523 · January 2015

I really want to be a good wife. I know that sounds dumb, and I don't mean it in a "submissive house slave" kind of way. I'm going to work on doing nice things for him and try to remind myself how lucky I am to have the life he's given me. I'm able to stay home with the boys and we have more than we need. He works really hard.

bumpuser5078523 · January 2015

Our sex life isn't bad, but more wouldn't hurt.

He has been turning to his video games and electronics more, and I know it's because he's escaping me, and it makes me even more angry. It's a vicious cycle.

unaveragejane · January 2015

I read a devotional the other day that really hit home for me. Even if you aren't spiritual, it might help. The lady told a story about how she did a grand gesture for her husband, and she thought he would be over the moon about it when he came home. Then he didn't even notice it. She had built up her expectation of what his reaction should be, so she was crushed when he didn't react at all. Anyway long story short, she finally realized that she was trying to win his praise and adoration bc it was something missing from her childhood. She was basically trying to fill up a giant hole in her heart left by her father's lack of warmth and affection. It really made me step back and think about how much I turn everyday things into loaded situations with MH. I mean, of course part of his role is to love and cherish me, but I have to stop expecting him to notice every thing I do or somehow repair all my mental wounds by himself.

Shoot, I don't feel like I'm expressing myself very well. I guess I'm trying to say that it helped me to really focus on finding what makes me feel happy and healthy in a way that isn't as dependent on him. It helped me find a more even keel.

countrycotton · January 2015

This may sound corney. DH and I make a point of saying I love you. We say it at LEAST five times a day. When we get cranky it helps to here the words. when we wake up, talk on the phone, do something small for each other. Even if we are simply walking past each other. I know it helps keep things in perspective. We also say " thank you" for little things,

sasq09 · January 2015

I don't really have a whole lot to add, but know you aren't the only one with this problem. My dh and I have a good relationship, but I have been really bitchy to him lately. When I'm tired I tend blame him for all my problems (real or perceived) and I can get pretty passive aggressive. Everything is perspective I think too. We were talking about Ls sleep issues the other night and he made the comment that he's helped me A LOT with her... I was shocked because I feel like he's barely done a thing, but he feels like he's contributing a lot. Obviously communication is important lol. But I'll end my book and make my point - after that comment I started thinking about life from his perspective and all the things he does do. No, he really doesn't help with L at night like ever, but he works really hard at work, and comes home and works on our addition, takes care of all of our "handyman" type stuff, keeps us stocked with firewood... And much more and still helps with L some. So try and walk a mile in his shoes.

Wow, that was way too long, but I kind of found it therapeutic to write it and see my words so I'm leaving it.

sasq09 · January 2015

Haha I love how I started with I don't have a whole lot to add, and then wrote a book. I guess I'm a liar.

stoneycakes · January 2015

Do you guys text? Sometimes I feel like setting the tone with some nice or funny text messages throughout the day can help with what happens when one of you walks through the door. Even if one of you is in a lousy mood, it can help to give/get a heads up.

flummadiddle85 · January 2015

stringy813 said:

I also know I snap at her when I'm frustrated with my kid. Cuz I'm not supposed to snap at my kid.

ugh, I know! And there are times I still end up snapping At the kid and husband. That's when I just feel like I'm the absolute worst.

abby8279 · January 2015

I am saying this because I am working on it myself- focus on what he does right instead of what he does wrong.

ComeMai · January 2015

How much time do the two of you get alone, without the kids? It might sound cliche', but date nights really do help. MH works from home, so we see each other a lot. We also spend an hour or two together after the girls go to bed. But it isn't the same as actually going out. If I'm home, I'm always listening for the girls. We had our first date night in years for our anniversary and it improved our relationship so much. I made it a point to not talk about the girls at all and just focused him. It made me feel more loving and connected with him.

bumpuser9353653 · January 2015

stringy813 said:
I also know I snap at her when I'm frustrated with my kid. Cuz I'm not supposed to snap at my kid.

So much this. I try so hard to not snap at my toddler, that the instant S says something less than supportive, I get defensive and snap.

unaveragejane · January 2015

ComeMai said:

How much time do the two of you get alone, without the kids? It might sound cliche', but date nights really do help. MH works from home, so we see each other a lot. We also spend an hour or two together after the girls go to bed. But it isn't the same as actually going out. If I'm home, I'm always listening for the girls. We had our first date night in years for our anniversary and it improved our relationship so much. I made it a point to not talk about the girls at all and just focused him. It made me feel more loving and connected with him.

I love this idea, but I have the hardest time coming up with things to talk about with MH other than our kids or his job (which he doesn't really enjoy b/c of office politics). Maybe I should borrow Paris's conversation starter flash cards.

bumpuser5078523 · January 2015

Thanks for all the suggestions, ladies!

Jane, that makes complete sense. I do get upset when I work so hard to clean the house and he doesn't even acknowledge it. Then I get upset. I don't feel the appreciation, that's for sure!

We do say "I love you" but sometimes it feels like he says it back just because he has to. I'm sure he doesn't though.

He really does help out a lot and works a lot. I need to focus on that.

We read the 5 love languages in counseling before we got married. We should read it again.

I used to text him during the day, but he hardly ever responds so I would get upset.

I totally snap at him a ton. That's my main problem. It just flies out of my mouth before I realize it!

I do get frustrated when he doesn't do something, when I'm way worse than him. Like picking up clutter, for example.

We had a date night two weeks ago and it was really nice. The kids were gone overnight. I made a no electronics rule and we had a great time. I told him this morning that I was going to see if his parents wanted to take the boys overnight again soon.

KCDC2013 · January 2015

Find out what his love language is. For my hubby, it's words of affirmation. I therefore I go out of my way to verbalize or write down ways I appreciate him throughout the day... Especially when I'm having a hard time or find myself getting bitchy. It makes me take the focus off myself, and on the love of my life, even when I'm having a hard time loving him. I have a whiteboard on the fride I bought for cheap and I try to remember to write on it 2-3 times a week a reason I love him that day. He sees it when he leaves for work even when we don't have time to connect in the morning. Relationships are hard work, but good for you for desiring to love your hubby well! Hope this helps.

PipSqueak0313 · January 2015

One thing I didn't notice while skimming the responses is.....when I notice I am snapping at those around me (or it gets pointed out to me) it often coincides with times I have eaten very little or nothing in a while. After simply eating something of value (aka something that isn't junk food) my mood/attitude dramatically improve. Just a thought in case it applies.

jess9802 · January 2015

When DH and I are bickering more than usual, I figure one of three things is up: (1) lack of sex, (2) lack of sleep, or (3) my period's just around the corner.

stoneycakes · January 2015

doeie04 said:

Thanks for all the suggestions, ladies! Jane, that makes complete sense. I do get upset when I work so hard to clean the house and he doesn't even acknowledge it. Then I get upset. I don't feel the appreciation, that's for sure!

I think this is one of the hardest things about being a SAHM. You go from a workplace where you get feedback and people notice when you do things well to being your own manager and getting pretty much zero feedback.

haileyq · January 2015

When you were saying the words just fly out of your mouth- that's me sometimes too. I'm sorry goes a long way at my house. We are both pretty good at acknowledging when we are being unrealistic and apologizing. The simple act of doing that makes us both more self aware and affectionate and appreciative toward each other.

ElleBeeDub · January 2015

PipSqueak0313 said:

One thing I didn't notice while skimming the responses is.....when I notice I am snapping at those around me (or it gets pointed out to me) it often coincides with times I have eaten very little or nothing in a while. After simply eating something of value (aka something that isn't junk food) my mood/attitude dramatically improve. Just a thought in case it applies.

Oh my stars, YES! J and I both regularly have to stop mid-escalating-disagreement to say, "I need to eat something before I get mean."

TJ1979 · January 2015

We have time outs at our house. If I just walk in the door ranting and raving, and don't even kiss MH hello, and am complaining about dinner, and the commute, and why is E hanging from the chandelier in her underwear... we institute a time out. I drop everything, go to my room for a minute, get my shit together, then come back and try again.

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