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June 2015 Moms
joyfuljenny
member
Visitors/Holding Baby - How Soon After Delivery?
joyfuljenny
member
Haven't seen any discussion about this on our board yet, and it's something I've been thinking about lately, although I know it's early.
Acknowledging that there are many variables and unknowns, if all goes well, my first preference would be to have a couple hours after delivery with just my husband and our baby. I hope to labor unmedicated, so I expect to be exhausted and recovering from a lot of pain and physically kind of a mess -- not immediately ready to entertain visitors, even family. Logistically speaking, I know there are still some things that need to happen after birth before just basking in holding the new baby: passing the placenta, stitching up from tears, attempting to breastfeed for the first time, etc., and I definitely don't want anyone other than my husband and medical staff around for any of that.
This is our first baby, so I feel sort of clueless about how those hours immediately after birth usually look. Do grandparents (as in, my parents and my husband's parents) typically come in to see the baby right away? What are you planning, or if you've been through this before, how did it look for you?
My issue is this: I have a lot of people in my life who are really excited about this baby's arrival, and I don't take that for granted, I'm very, very thankful. I don't want to alienate either set of parents; we want and need their support. But both my mother and my MIL are SO excited that they're not great at reading my emotional cues or respecting boundaries. I know they're going to want to see and hold baby immediately, and that makes me a little uncomfortable. After almost 5 years of infertility and thinking I'd never get to experience pregnancy or birth, I'm already feeling a little protective of our babe and the birth experience, as I know this may very well be the only time I ever get to experience it. I really don't want to turn over my minutes- or hour-old baby to be held by anyone other than myself or my husband (or doctors as needed, of course).
The post-delivery visit created a lot of conflict when my SIL gave birth to her daughter a couple years ago; it was our MIL's first grandchild, and I know it was hard for MIL to feel excluded, because SIL's mom was in the delivery room with her. But MIL definitely pushed the line a bit, in my opinion... anxiously asking nurses repeatedly if the baby had been born (until they finally had to tell her to please wait, and they would come tell HER as soon as baby was born), and making SIL feel guilty for wanting just 1/2 an hour before allowing her to come in the room. SIL was upset after birth, because she really wanted to breastfeed but it was looking like she wouldn't be able to (she'd had a breast reduction as a teenager), so she was still dealing with that when MIL wanted to came in to visit for the 1st time... it wasn't a good situation and my SIL still talks about it with some resentment.
Is it unreasonable to expect family visitors to wait a couple hours after birth before coming in the room? Or maybe, as a compromise, could we communicate to them that we'd be glad for them to come in for just a couple minutes to peek at baby (but not hold), then give us at least a couple hours by ourselves as a new family of three, then come back later for more of a real visit? What did/would you do?
Acknowledging that there are many variables and unknowns, if all goes well, my first preference would be to have a couple hours after delivery with just my husband and our baby. I hope to labor unmedicated, so I expect to be exhausted and recovering from a lot of pain and physically kind of a mess -- not immediately ready to entertain visitors, even family. Logistically speaking, I know there are still some things that need to happen after birth before just basking in holding the new baby: passing the placenta, stitching up from tears, attempting to breastfeed for the first time, etc., and I definitely don't want anyone other than my husband and medical staff around for any of that.
This is our first baby, so I feel sort of clueless about how those hours immediately after birth usually look. Do grandparents (as in, my parents and my husband's parents) typically come in to see the baby right away? What are you planning, or if you've been through this before, how did it look for you?
My issue is this: I have a lot of people in my life who are really excited about this baby's arrival, and I don't take that for granted, I'm very, very thankful. I don't want to alienate either set of parents; we want and need their support. But both my mother and my MIL are SO excited that they're not great at reading my emotional cues or respecting boundaries. I know they're going to want to see and hold baby immediately, and that makes me a little uncomfortable. After almost 5 years of infertility and thinking I'd never get to experience pregnancy or birth, I'm already feeling a little protective of our babe and the birth experience, as I know this may very well be the only time I ever get to experience it. I really don't want to turn over my minutes- or hour-old baby to be held by anyone other than myself or my husband (or doctors as needed, of course).
The post-delivery visit created a lot of conflict when my SIL gave birth to her daughter a couple years ago; it was our MIL's first grandchild, and I know it was hard for MIL to feel excluded, because SIL's mom was in the delivery room with her. But MIL definitely pushed the line a bit, in my opinion... anxiously asking nurses repeatedly if the baby had been born (until they finally had to tell her to please wait, and they would come tell HER as soon as baby was born), and making SIL feel guilty for wanting just 1/2 an hour before allowing her to come in the room. SIL was upset after birth, because she really wanted to breastfeed but it was looking like she wouldn't be able to (she'd had a breast reduction as a teenager), so she was still dealing with that when MIL wanted to came in to visit for the 1st time... it wasn't a good situation and my SIL still talks about it with some resentment.
Is it unreasonable to expect family visitors to wait a couple hours after birth before coming in the room? Or maybe, as a compromise, could we communicate to them that we'd be glad for them to come in for just a couple minutes to peek at baby (but not hold), then give us at least a couple hours by ourselves as a new family of three, then come back later for more of a real visit? What did/would you do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Visitors/Holding Baby - How Soon After Delivery?
EDD: June 10th 2015 ~ Aussie Bumpie~FTM
** June 2015 ~ January Siggy - Pinterest Fails**
I've already brought it up with DH and now we are on the same page - my mom and sister will be with us for delivery but once baby is here we'll be just our little family of three and we'll invite people in when we are ready. We're inviting family beyond the grandparents to meet the baby after the hospital.
It's wonderful that MIL is so excited, but she really needs to respect what you want.
They did get to see ds while he was in the nursery while I was in recovery. They just didn't get to hold him in that time.
In my opinion, get in about an hour of bonding time with just you 3. Then let your immediate family in to meet your new baby. Then ask for some family time alone, and ask them to come back later. That way you don't make them feel left out, but you get in your bonding time. It worked well for us the first time and plan on doing it again this time.
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Expecting our first - Alice Irene - 6/5/15
I didn't tell family my dd was born until we were ready for visitors. My dh s family was upset when I told them we would not be inviting them to the hospital until after delivery but they got over it.
You are the parent. You are going through labour. You and dh make the decisions and fuck 'em if they have a problem with it.
That being said, time also plays a critical factor. My son was born at 2:42am. Even the family that wanted to be there "right away" was sleeping and didn't rush to the hospital in the middle of the night. They waited until morning.
DD was born (unmediated, uncomplicated birth) in the wee hours of the morning. Our first visitors arrived around 1pm. That was great. Maybe I would have been ready as early as 10am to see folks. But not right away or within the first couple hours.
You're exhausted (esp. if baby was born in the middle of the night and you had a long labor). You're starving. You need to bond with baby and BF baby. The pediatrician needs to come check baby out. There is a lot going on. Get all that stuff taken care of and yourself in a comfortable calm place before welcoming visitors. Tell the nurses on no uncertain terms that you don't want visitors until you say you're ready. Then it is their job to keep them out.
But hopefully you can have a talk with MIL in advance and explain all this and she just respects your wishes.
Secret option C is to avoid the discussion altogether and just not tell anyone until after the baby is born. Nobody has a "right" to know that you're in labor and if anyone gets pissy about it, you can always say that you were too busy you know, actually having a baby, to think about the phone tree. GL!
Tell the nurses you don't want any visitors for however many hours and let them be the bad guys. My nurses had no problems saying, I'm sorry, she's in recovery and you will have to leave.
Luckily the hospital I am going to deliver at, the LD/ Maternity ward is locked so visitors have to be let in by a nurse. All I have to do is say no visitors and even pushy relatives won't be ley back....
And if all goes well we might end up back at home before the kids can meet the baby anyway.
With my personality and DH I see us waiting a week or two before welcoming visitors. Grandparents and aunts/uncles the exception.
Will happily let healthy visitors hold baby, washing hands first. Will definitely take them back if fussing or showing signs of stress tho....
My family has zero boundaries and I know there is no way I can my mother and sister out for more than an hour, and I am okay with that. One of them will most likely be in the delivery room with me. I have my doubts that DH will be able to handle it all alone. Super squmish to the point of physically getting sick. He almost passed out when visiting his sister in the NICU, 3 years ago.
I would explain to your family ahead of time so they aren't disappointed and know what to expect. My sister in law did this. We knew when she went to the hospital, when he was born, and were asked to wait to come until the next day. We were fine with this. And it was still just as beautiful meeting my niece a day later.
I work at the hospital where I am delivering. My concern is well meaning coworkers popping in unexpectedly and seeing more then that bargained for!
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This time I'll be having a RCS and I've made it clear that I don't want anyone at the hospital but my DH, my Mom & my Step Dad {DH doesn't have family in our area}. I also made it clear that NONE of them except DH will see or hold this LO until I've had alone time to bond with LO.
I had a few people I could tell had their feelings hurt but I'm glad they understand.
With this baby, I anticipate things being different. I don't want to have visitors until we get settled into our post partum room. I don't want my daughter to see all the IVs and stuff like that. I was really shakey after delivery with her, and in afraid that would scare her if she saw it after this delivery.
It is totally up to you what you want to do. It shouldn't upset anyone. You will be going through a lot with birth, and you deserve all the time alone with your baby that you want. Good luck!
Since this is your first (and don't have other children to worry about/find care for) you could very easily keep the fact that you're in labor to yourself until you're ready to share.
Proud Mama to cleft cutie
When I had my twin boys, my Mom, Dad, MIL, and my aunt and uncle were in the waiting room. Only DH was allowed on the OR (planned csection). I was really sick during delivery. Even though my boys were completely healthy they took them to get cleaned up and more throughly checked on the 3rd floor (maternity). DH stayed with the boys. I was taken to a recovery room on the same floor as the OR. I remember DH showing me a boy after delivery but I was so sick that I didn't get to connect. I can't even remember what son it was.
My Mom came to recovery for about 5 minutes before she wanted to see the boys! I was ticked. I wasn't feeling well and my BP was all over the place. I just didn't want to be myself when everyone was seeing the babies. Luckily, my aunt was there and kept me company. I stayed in recovery for an hour. When they took me to the 3rd floor, I was rolled into my room and my parents, MIL, SIL and two wild nephews were coming in with me. It was so overwhelming. I just wanted to see my boys! I ended up letting my SIL and nephew hold my son before I did bc I just wanted them to leave!
This time around I'm going to have everyone wait until the afternoon (another planned c-sec). I want to be the first to hold the baby (well besides DH) and I want my boys to see the baby before all the chaos!
I hadn't even thought about the fact that I'll be moved from one section of the hospital to another, and that may create a nice physical boundary. I'm now armed with questions to ask, like: how long do they advocate/allow skin to skin contact after birth; who's allowed in the labor and delivery room; do I BF for the first time in l&d; how long can I expect to be in the l&d room after birth before being moved; when do I get to shower; can nurses keep visitors out of the post-partum room until we say we're ready, etc.
I love the idea of not even sharing that I'm in labor, but only sharing news when baby is safely delivered and we're ready for visitors... But because my MIL is local and a bit pushy (in a very loving, excited, but still sometimes annoying way), I'm not sure that's really possible. I have a hunch if we got that close to (or past) the due date and weren't responding to texts or phone calls, she might just show up at the hospital to make sure we're okay. My mom isn't local, but she's talking about coming in town just before my due date so that she can be here when baby's born; as much as I love her, she has the same kind of over-excited personality as MIL.
So, I think the best course of action is going to be to (respectfully as possible) talk about our mothers ahead of time about our plan and expectations. There may still be some hurt feelings (as the mothers both seem to think it's their inherent right to see and interact with their grandchild immediately), but you all have made me feel SO much better about what I'm hoping for after birth. It's so nice to know that the majority consensus is that it's very normal to want some time alone as a family to bond and recover before accepting visitors. Thank you again!
Also, it is your parents grandchild...I would never rob them of the joyous time that this is!! I have all the time in the world to bond with my baby...and when the family visits slow down...it's sad. Just my thoughts.
And we were in there for three days before baby came. (I was supposed to be induced but they had a ton of people in active labor so they kept putting me off.)
Once DH knew baby and I were okay he starting making his calls, which was around 2 a.m. so obv. no one was coming (my parents didn't even answer the phone). My family showed up at the hosptial around noon and wouldn't leave until the nurse told them to. DH's family came in the evening and stayed for a short while and then left. **Technically our agreement had been no one would find out until we were ready for visitors but DH is a buttmunch and decided to make an executive decision while I was drugged up and in recovery.**
We'll do the same again this time except that DH's family will have to know when we go in because they will be taking care of DD for us. And I will be strictly enforcing the "don't you dare call anyone until I am good and ready for them to show up" rule.
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To make an admittedly ridiculous analogy: As a child, your parents wouldn't expect you to let your sibling play with your new birthday present before you got to - why is it different now that you want to spend time with YOUR child before anyone else does? Just saying.