How to support husband

nbateman5 · January 2015

So everytime LO cries and fusses, who has the magic touch? Her mama of course...well that's what H thinks....I'm with her most of the day and night so I'm learning her cues on my own. I leave her with him at least a couple hours a week so I can run to get groceries or run an errand, and normally she'll sleep that whole time. He does feed her at least once or twice a day, but feels like she cries only with him and he hates feeling like he has to hand her off to me to calm her down. We've talked and I found out that he feels like he's not being a good enough dad or giving me enough support, but I really don't know what to say to him. Anyone else have a SO that feels helpless with LO?

AlwaysAforeigner · January 2015

DH feels helpless with this LO. DD1 wouldn't nurse, so she was bottle fed and both DH and I had equal bonding with her at the newborn stage (now she's all about daddy and doesn't want to have anything with me). Fast forward to DD2 and she's breastfed and won't take a bottle. So DH thinks that I have the magic touch (boob) with her and he feels helpless and actually today he said that he's afraid of her. Don't really have advice for you, other than maybe offer him to bond with the baby while you are around, so that worst case scenario, you can take over or teach him her cues and what to pay attention to.

Eora3 · January 2015

We had this issue with my first born. Eventually, I just needed a break and started taking exercise classes a couple nights a week. I gave DH some tips and then left him to it.

He figured out what worked for him and LO. I was surprised to find that LO liked to be held in different positions with DH than he did with me. For example, LO liked to be tummy down on DH's forearm but he only wanted me to hold him upright.

As far as supporting your DH: Just remind him that you are the food source right now and your LO finds that smell comforting. LO will learn to associate DH with comfort too. Maybe suggest some skin to skin time so LO can get more familiar with DH's smell. If you bottle feed at all, let DH feed LO.

ColeyCannoli · January 2015

notchomama said:
Google the 5s's and have him follow that. It was a game changer for my h.

This. My DH was lost until we found this. Now he's master of the swaddle and can "shh" baby to sleep when I can't even calm him. They are simple steps but really helpful.

nesenotes · January 2015

H had this problem the first time. He rarely helped me with DD1 because he felt helpless. This time he jjust jumped in. He will put ear plugs in and rock her to give me the break. I just reminded him she's going to cry regardless just make her as comfortable as you can and that's the best you can do. I showed him everything I do if she's crying. So walking through the scenarios really helped him. Could you show him how to put her in a baby carrier? H will also just wear her and water the lawn or whatever.

frenchy816 · January 2015

My DH feels helpless too. DS is EBF so he can't help with the feedings and he had the flu all last week so he hasn't actually been able to hold DS in 1+ weeks (about 8 days). Today was the first time he held him. Hopefully things will change now that DH is healthy again.

nbateman5 · January 2015

Thanks everyone! Things are starting to get better and I agree that just getting out and leaving her with him is the best possible solution. He needs to figure out how to soothe her on his own. He even managed to show me something....a new hold to get her to sleep (modified football hold) and he put her to bed last night in 6 minutes! Progress....

RaeChay · January 2015

I have the opposite - H is way better at calming baby than I am.

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