Advice on dealing with an insensitive family

kelizafk · January 2015

Hi all! I've recently added some of my advice on another thread on a similar subject, however it's often easier to give advice than take your own. I'm in need of some advice from you ladies. For anyone who hasn't read my previous thread, I have PCOS. I was officially diagnosed in May, however was being misdiagnosed for a year before that, when I noticed something was wrong after getting off BC in October of 2012. I've been in a lot of pain for the past year, have felt very sick throughout, and have been dealing with the emotional aspects of it as well.

My husband's family are nothing like mine: loud, some of them completely insensitive, rude, and just plain asses. Needless to say, not the type of people I look forward to seeing, especially while going through what I am (we are). My father in-law has said things like "why did my husband marry a defective woman" and "looks like he needs a new wife" in the past 6 months, in response to me telling him about my condition. Let me tell you, he thought he was being hilarious. So, you see what I'm dealing with. Idiots. The only people on his side of the family that know about our struggle are his mother and father, mostly because I was sick of hearing the pressure of children. His father had those responses, his mother was more sensitive...until this visit.

We had to visit them for a late Christmas, as we spent it with my family this year. I was hesitant and stressed at the thought of it, because I hadn't spent time with them since the asshole comments. His father didn't harass me this time, and I thought I was safe and this might not be so rough. Well, his mother is apparently on a bunch of meds because she is unstable (with her change, and whatever else is going on with her that makes her a nut job) and she seemed to forget our conversation, and went right back into harassing me about grandchildren. My husband and I sat there stunned, staring at her, and he asked her what her problem was. We were pissed, and my mood for the weekend immediately changed. Next we had to visit his grandmother, who lives with his aunt and uncle. The problem here is his uncle (and cousin who wasn't there thank goodness), who is just like his father. It didn't take long for the harassment to start. He just went on and on about how my time is running out blah blah blah.

I don't want to visit there. Ever. I'm finding myself stuck on what to do. I'm dealing with pain and depression and everything that comes along with PCOS, and am not at a point where I have the energy to also fight back or fill everyone in. I've told his parents, and look what good that did. I don't feel it's anyone else's business, and letting them in on our personal struggles and choices shouldn't have to happen JUST to get them to shut up. So, I can either tell them to get them to stop being assholes (hopefully) or avoid going to see his family for a while. The latter seems unfortunate, and I feel bad having that be the most appealing option, for my husband's sake. However, I just don't feel like caving and making my stuff public if that's not what I want, JUST to shut them up. My husband is game for being the voice for whatever I want to say...but I just don't think it's their business. I've never had to deal with this with my friends and family. Ever. They've all known what isn't their business, how to have some tact, and how to be sensitive. So, I'm stuck.

Do you ladies have any advice? Personal experiences?

SND1231 · January 2015

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you and DH need to have a sit down talk with your family about how inappropriate their comments are and how they make you feel. People really sometimes do not understand the emotional aspect of IF. I am so sorry you are having to go through this! Hugs!!

kelizafk · January 2015

SND1231 NariaDreaming thanks ladies!

I don't think I'm at a point yet where I can sit down and explain what to say/what not to yet. Some of it is my being stubborn. I am not one to try to explain/teach people who obviously don't get why such things are terrible to say, when it seems so obvious to me. That may sound silly. It's not that I'm not willing to make it all better...but these are people that are selfish and that seems to blind them from seeing their insensitive nature. It takes over them completely. I just don't have the energy for that yet. I considered it before, but after remembering how his mother kept at it when it came to our personal decisions and thoughts on kids (before my diagnosis) and she kept going, I realized it would just make me feel even worse. Maybe someday I'll have the patience. NariaDreaming, I like your style haha. Giving it back to them in my head generally comes natural to me. I'm usually quite verbal when I think someone is being an ass...it's just been more difficult during this time to get my emotions in check. If it continues though, watch out!

dancerspose · January 2015

First, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this stress and aggravation on top of the normal IF craziness.

Depending on YH's relationship with his family, particular his parents, maybe it's something that needs to come from him? Pardon my use of the phrase, but maybe he needs to have a "come to Jesus" conversation with them, not necessarily about your health, but just about what's appropriate and what's not in general. He'd have to make it clear that if they continue to act in the way they have there will be consequences - as in they won't get to see the two of you. I know that sounds harsh, and hopefully there are nicer less drastic suggestions out there, but it sounds like you're dealing with pretty dense people so being a little cruel may be the only way.

Or maybe I'm just in a mood today...sorry again, and good luck!

PeonyPop · January 2015

First of all... what assholes.

I was filled with anxiety for months just having to tell my in-laws about my condition, which we finally did over the holidays - my family has known for some time, but we also wanted his to stop wondering if we'd be pregnant with every visit, etc. They took it well (of course, in my case), but it is SO stressful just opening yourself up in this way. I can't imagine that they would be such assholes, when you've made yourself vunerable. Just ouch. F$%$# them!!

Second of all... Do they live near you? I hope not, ew. I wouldn't give them any updates/info about treatment, etc. I would get MH to have a conversation and lay down the law with them on how to act like civil human beings. He might have to have a similar conversation with them before each visit to update them (if you're not preg, so don't ask) and remind them. I'm like so pissed that you have to deal with comments like that. If my family ever said something so insensitive to my husband, I would rip them apart, hahaha

cateyes543 · January 2015

Lots of great advice has been given so far so I won't repeat. I just wanted to offeer a hug from someone who also has a crass and mean family/inlaws. It doesn't get easier, but you start knowing what to expect to prepare yourself. Hugs and more hugs to you!

typo31 · January 2015

lemonliz said:

*snip*

He lost his shit on his dad when they went on their annual golfing pilgrimage to FL and his father jokingly asked him for the millionth time if MH "needed him to get in there and finish the job." First of all, fucking gross. Second of all, totally not even funny and it hurts MH's feelings.

I literally gasped and recoiled from the screen when I read this. Oh. My. God.

Good luck to both of you dealing with these boneheads. Too much!

tweetyknicks · January 2015

If they insist on acting like selfish teenagers, treat them like it. PP's suggestions about laying down limits on what is civil and what is not and then having consequences if they cannot follow simple rules is good. The consequence can by to simply remove you (and your DH, if necessary) from contact with them or otherwise find something else they value and take that away. That's the only way MH got through to his selfish teenage son. It's not a perfect solution, but it either limits their behavior or removes you from the situation so you don't have to deal with it.

Remylove1011 · January 2015

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with stupid people. {{HUGS}} I also have a lot of stupid people around me so I feel your pain. PP's have given some great advice on how to deal. MH and I ave not told his family about our IF. They know we've been trying and I've asked him a ew times if he wants to tell them. He says we'll tell them when I'm pregnant and it's none of their business that we're dealing with IF. (He knows heir dumb!)

Tiko99 · January 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I would have a talk with DH and tell him he needs to tell his father he is being rude and insensitive. If it were me, I would refuse to spend time with my in-laws if they treated me that way and if my DH wants to go visit I would have him visit alone. I got divorced before my ex husband and I tried hard to have children so I don't have any experience with rude comments on infertility, but my ex father in-law was a racist bigot and came to our house to visit (we lived in CA his family is from NJ) and his dad used the n word in my house to describe my neighbors and his mom asked why Mexicans lived in our gated community. Needless to say my ex husband did the right thing and told him he could not speak like that in our home, that our neighborhood is full of amazing neighbors and is in fact diverse and he then told them to leave. It was pretty awkward, but my ex stood up to his dad's disgusting behavior and I was proud of him. It was never the same between us, but we got divorced for other reasons so I don't know if the relationship would have ever healed. I think it is time your DH said something to his family and if you don't feel comfortable around them don't see them. I know it is easier said then done, but you don't need toxic people in your life, especially while dealing with IF.

Good luck and HUGS all the way!

grogu · January 2015

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Everyone has given really good advice. I think your H needs to lay down the law when it comes to what is and isn't appropriate. Otherwise you two will stop seeing them.
Good luck to you! Hugs!

kelizafk · January 2015

Thanks all! I'd tag you all but I'm replying on my phone that's acting up. All great advice, and I really appreciate the support. My husband tries,I see that, but he's always dealt with his family's craziness by ignoring them. He wants to help but has never spoken up to his father. His mother he has, but that took a lot of harassment. He's never dealt with any issues on anything, he's way too laid back and let's everything run off his back. This is part of the problem. He was never around for his fathers comments, and he has a weird relationship with him: one of his best friends plus his father, and just ignores him when he's being an ass hole. He's willing to say something, but I have a feeling he would just blurt out what I have, and then would try to change the subject. He's bad with this stuff. Also, same with me about putting family in their place. I've also spoken to my husband about sticking up for me and I stick up for him. But, my family would never do any of the stuff his family does. I'm definitely leaning towards keeping distance for now. Even though he wants to be supportive, he isn't good at it yet haha. He was raised in a selfish household that didn't deal with issues, and though he is the best with people and aituations in that family, he is still leaning. The idea of distance is also more appealing because to be honest, his family makes the idea of having a child more of a burden than an struggle worth going through. I really don't want them to ruin it for me. Thanks to all you ladies. To those of you dealing with the same issues, you've got my support too and I hope everything gets easier!

BunnyBerry · January 2015

I like Naria's idea to give as good as you get. I think people like that will keep harassing those they see as "weak" but may take it down a notch if they see you being tough back to them.

But I would just stop visiting his family for the time being, personally. No need for you to be treated like that.

PeonyPop · January 2015

I am terrible at confrontation too (except with my family and MH!!) and understand how it can be especially hard for certain relationships, so I know how he feels... I had a friend who had some great thoughts on this subject: He sees confrontation as an opportunity to grow relationships, rather than something scary/negative. This really clicked with me and made me realize that the key is in HOW you communicate and figuring out what really matters when you do. I realized that my fear is deep rooted because confrontation was always filled with drama in my family; I can hold my own with them if I need to, but it filled me with anxiety to do it with others.. I'm slowly learning it doesn't have to be that way though!! Food for thought

I agree with the ladies on avoiding until you/YH are/is able to communicate/confront them effectively.

kelizafk · January 2015

kbojo24, seriously about the pills haha. I have no idea what she's on, but nothing has tamed her. She is the craziest person you'll ever encounter. Her niece is a doctor and personally diagnosed her as bipolar, but none of her doctors ever have, and she remains completely unstable. I'm not sure the pill count would help...since she then washes them down with a bottle of wine, while talking about how many men would scoop her up if her husband didn't want her. Not to mention, she refuses to come visit us. That family refuses to leave Long Island, but expects us to come out there. They're completely selfish (and some are complete nut jobs). At least at this point this means I can avoid them by never taking the trip from Brooklyn

SND1231 NariaDreaming BlueFairy5 lemonliz rainbowbridge14 shafwilson PeonyPop

cateyes543 cinzink typo31 tweetyknicks Remylove1011 Tiko99 squishsquash86

LDubHawksFan BunnyBerry madamewaffles kbojo24 (did I forget anyone? haha). Thank you for all the support and suggestions! I'm taking all your suggestions and running through my options to remain sane. I'm glad I have you all to vent to and learn from, and hope I can return the favor!

I'm thinking the best thing for me is to stay away. I'll ignore requests to come out. If it becomes too much, I'll use the suggestion to give my husband permission to simply say I'm going through some health issues that are tough, and effecting both myself and him, and that's what we're focusing on right now. Any comments on kids, age, buying homes need to be curbed. They're unwanted and will only cause issues. Otherwise, we won't be visiting.

Keep the suggestions coming, and if I have any updates I'll let you all know how it goes!

jerseymack23 · January 2015

@kelizafk, I hate reading your post, because we all know how much situations like this suck.

I posted a few days ago about my in laws and my mid-Clomid Christmas Day breakdown (when my SIL, who doesn't have a job, significant other, etc., announced that she was pregnant and my MIL, who knows about our infertility struggle, sat there smiling). That's the short version- I haven't spoken to any of them since, and have no desire to even see them.

I am glad your husband at least KNOWS his family is in the wrong. My DH is very laid back too, so he will speak up (but not enough in my opinion). He's also used to their ridculousness (as he has raised with it).

I am so sorry you are experiencing this, and I know how much this hurts. Here's me playing devil's advocate (because a friend just did this to me, lol)... Maybe they really don't understand the pain- emotionally and physically- of infertility.

My DH's family literally has zero marriages, college degrees, houses owned, etc. (besides him), and no one has TRIED to get pregnant. Yet, everyone has kids. And I mean everyone (except us). I don't feel like there is any possible way they can understand what we are going through (yet, of course, they're obnoxiousness is not helping).

I wish you and your DH the best. I am so sorry you have to go through this!! I hope 2015 is your year!!

jerseymack23 · January 2015

@kensie5226, that sounds healthier- just telling them how it is. Maybe I'll try it? I am so nervous about them gossiping, judging, etc., but I do need to protect myself.

theholmanherd · January 2015

Wow. That level of depravity from your FIL goes way beyond insensitivity. I would think long and hard about where these people belong in your life, especially with your future family. If it were me, I would do this:

1. Tell anyone who makes insensitive comments that it's none of their business and they are not to bring it up ever again.

2. For the FIL, specifically, write him a letter. Detail what's been said and how you feel. Tell him that disgusting behavior will not be tolerated and if he wishes to have a part in your life or your future family's life, he will never speak such vile things again. Ever.

3. Make sure they take you seriously. If someone says something, say "that's an unacceptable thing to say and I am hurt." If you have to say it more than once in a given family event, leave. You and DH. Right then. If your FIL says something vile again, to you or DH, he needs to be cut out for a while. Tell him, 'we are willing to forgive and move on if you acknowledge your wrongdoings. Until then, don't contact us."

It sounds harsh, but it needs to be done. That behavior is abhorrent. You have to protect not just yourself, but any future family you have. That's borderline verbal abuse, maybe not even borderline.

Get DH on the same page, get a counsellor involved if you need to, but do something about it.

I'm so sorry you had to hear those things. The good news is, it's your choice whether you have to hear those things again. (((Hugs)))

kelizafk · January 2015

@DaydreamSam‌, you seem to be on the same page as I am. I know when explaining things to someone is pointless and more of a headache and disappointment. I also told my husband long ago that having to explain to someone how sensitive topics aren't the ones to bring up, and calling someone with something wrong with them defective is a terrible thing to do is not in my agenda. I refuse, and always have, to teach someone a lesson about being appropriate at the age of 55. I've been dealing with his family having a selfish agenda since the do I met him. Telling them to back off for 5+ years hasn't stopped them yet. I no longer want to waste my breath or time. They don't deserve to know what I'm going through at this point. I also will take your advice in having backup comments in the event they feel like being assholes. I need to put my no-bullshit attitude that I've always had to good use. Thank you

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