How to help a mom

oliv0026 · January 2015

Hey, im actually from Adoption board but need some suggestions from people who have multiples.
I have a friend who just had her twins 2 months ago. Yesterday I visited her and she ia going crazy!!! Poor girl has no brake, is stressed out financially because hse had to quit her job and now only her DH works, the babies are pretty hard as they dont really sleep, and I am pretty sure you get the picture.
I cant help financially but I can help by being there for her. She will never ask for help though because she also has this sense she has to be perfect - she always did....
My questions is: when you were with newborns, what is the one thing you wish a friend came and offered to do? that one thing that would have helped you to keep your sanity?

Brummy14 · January 2015

Laundry, dishes. Bring freezer meals that require no work on her part except reheating in the oven.

Watch the babies for an hour or two so she can take a LONG bath in silence or nap. Or let her get out of the house for a few hours if that's her preference.

That's so nice of your offering to help.

Those first few months are just...brutal. And, I had A LOT of help. I can't imagine going about it effectively on her own.

PinkinProvence · January 2015

Non-baby stuff. I needed someone to wash the dozens upon dozens of nipples, bottles, pump parts, etc that accumulated every day.

Baby laundry would have been good too.

zazu13 · January 2015

In addition to the above, if you are both comfortable with it can you watch the babies while she catches up on sleep?

I had several helpers come when my twins were small. I had my MIL or ladies from my church come every day M-F for 1.5-2 hours and I would shower and nap while they tended to the babies. This lasted about 3 weeks. My mom works full time but works from home occasionally so she would work at my house to give me an extra hand while she could.

A close friend and my sister did a few overnights with me on Friday nights so hubby and I could both get a full night rest (I still woke to pump, but they did the bottles and slept in the room with the girls while we slept in our room.)

My next door neighbor was unemployed at the time and has no kids of her own. She came Sun-Thurs at 10pm and would do the 10pm and 1am feedings while hubby and I went to bed. Then she would leave around 2am. It was AWESOME! Sometimes that was all the sleep I would get. I am a perfectionist too and it was HARD to let that many people help me, but I was Drowning.

We also had lots of meals brought in and some freezer meals dropped off. People offered to run errands. It was all helpful. How thoughtful of you to want to help your friend. I wish her the best. The first few months with twins is exhausting!

chrissynena · January 2015

zazu13 said:

In addition to the above, if you are both comfortable with it can you watch the babies while she catches up on sleep?
I had several helpers come when my twins were small. I had my MIL or ladies from my church come every day M-F for 1.5-2 hours and I would shower and nap while they tended to the babies. This lasted about 3 weeks. My mom works full time but works from home occasionally so she would work at my house to give me an extra hand while she could.
A close friend and my sister did a few overnights with me on Friday nights so hubby and I could both get a full night rest (I still woke to pump, but they did the bottles and slept in the room with the girls while we slept in our room.)
My next door neighbor was unemployed at the time and has no kids of her own. She came Sun-Thurs at 10pm and would do the 10pm and 1am feedings while hubby and I went to bed. Then she would leave around 2am. It was AWESOME! Sometimes that was all the sleep I would get. I am a perfectionist too and it was HARD to let that many people help me, but I was Drowning.
We also had lots of meals brought in and some freezer meals dropped off. People offered to run errands. It was all helpful. How thoughtful of you to want to help your friend. I wish her the best. The first few months with twins is exhausting!

This. This is where our biggest struggle is! I also second what everyone else says.

I think it's great that you are willing to help her out.

oliv0026 · January 2015

I really like this friend - Though I didnt while in school as her perfectionism would drive me nuts :P

She is originally from Poland so her family isnt around. Her MIL doesnt help at all, which surprised me because she loves the babies so much, but I guess this is the culture. I live quite far from her and work overnight so I cant really help at night... I offered to stay with the babies so she could go on a date with her husband, but they think it is too early for that. I might just make some meals for her as suggested above and bring to her on Monday as a surprise (I know she will say she doesnt need) and when I am there I maybe can stay with the babies while she can take a bath or maybe do her laundry. Thank you for the suggestions!!!

oliv0026 · January 2015

BTW, I think you ladies are Super Moms!!! I have no idea how you do it! I was with my friend only a few hours and it is ongoing work!!! Nonstop!!!!! God Bless You All!!!

CaliCarly77 · January 2015

2 months was kind of the worst of the worst time. You are so over tired from everything and it seems like it is never ending. I would not have wanted to go on a date then. Way too tired for that. Like what everyone else said - I would have wanted someone to come over and ask "are the feedings done for a while? then go take a nap. I mean it." Or cleaned my dishes and emptied/filled my dishwasher and folded laundry. And honestly not expect to visit with me - the worst was when people came over to help then I felt obligated to have conversations with them.

I think the best thing would be to text and say "let me know when I can come by today or tomorrow for a few hours to help out so you can go take a shower and a nap" so your friend knows she isn't expected to be showered and made up for your visit.

CaliCarly77 · January 2015

oliv0026 said:

BTW, I think you ladies are Super Moms!!! I have no idea how you do it! I was with my friend only a few hours and it is ongoing work!!! Nonstop!!!!! God Bless You All!!!

Was there a choice? lol

Yeah - my friend visited around 2 months and was like "this is insane" - it gets so much better around 3/4 months when they start sleeping longer and eating on a schedule.

carrotcake06 · January 2015

Agree w everyone else. I'm not an overly social person so the idea of having to entertain in the early days was awful. Sometimes I just needed someone to hold a baby. Snacks are also a good thing to bring - granola bars, trail mix, things that can be eaten quickly and with one hand and aren't total crap food. I was obscenely hungry all the time from nursing and something like dried fruit and nuts was a quick snack that would take the edge off.

zamboni00 · January 2015

All of the above. Mine are 10 weeks, and i would say they are really just good babies. But still- there are two. It's starting to get easier as they are able to play more with their pay mat, etc.

My mother has come over nearly every day. She will watch them so i can grab a shower or nap. So helpful.

Social visits gave me major anxiety in the beginning.

But i would have LOVED for someone to say I'm coming over and doing xyz. Also- frozen meals.

You are a very good friend!

kgs0505 · January 2015

Just jump in an start doing what needs doing. She'll never ask.

Sink full of dishes? Do them. Laundry need folding and transfer, re-start? Do it. Does she need things from the store? Go get those things or she if she'll leave you there with the babies so she can run out. Does the bathroom need cleaning? The floors need vacumming? Although if babies are sensitive may need to skip this one... Feed her. Chance are she forgets to eat.

You get the idea. Just self-direct. I know i didn't have energy to ask anyone to do anything.

zazu13 · January 2015

kgs0505 said:

I know i didn't have energy to ask anyone to do anything.

So true. I remember having a friend come over to help me. She kept pressing me for things she could do. I honestly was in such a fog all I could think of was water my plants. It was so helpful when people just did things or asked if they could do specific things. One day my MIL came sometime in the morning. I was pumping and had sleeping babies for the moment. She asked when I had last eaten (no idea?) and she said, I'll cook you some eggs. Awesome. If she'd asked what I'd needed, it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask her to make me something to eat.

CaliCarly77 · January 2015

Reading this thread is causing me PTSD. Those early days are effing AWFUL.

ETA - and I had AWESOME babies who slept well and didn't have colic!

oliv0026 · January 2015

I texted her (she cant answer the phone as you can imagine) and let her know I am coming on Monday. I also got from some of my Host Families to donate few things such as clothes and the Neosure formula (advantages of having Host Families with multiples that are still babies)

Ylvelill · January 2015

As everyone else has said, just tell her what you want to do, don't ask.

Two of my girl friends snuck into my house and cleaned it while I was at a third friends house and they took turns stopping by to send me to bed while doing various chores. I sucked at taking a nap especially in the beginning. Every little mumble would wake me so it was helpful knowing someone else was watching them sleep.

SereJane · January 2015

My twins are two months old right now and as we speak my aunt is holding them so I can pump in peace! Lol. I had help with laundry and dishes today (awesome), someone brought me dinner, and my mom watched the girls so I could shower. We also went on a walk together. I feel awesome and more like a human!
Any help with feedings is always great in my book too.

oliv0026 · January 2015

Thank you ladies! I went to visit my friend on Monday. I brought her some Neosure I got some of my host families to donate from their kids that didnt use anymore and were still good, I got some clothes, selected what she wanted, did all laundry, made both babies sleep until the boy woke up with a huge messy diaper ( I bet you all know what I mean) I went to give him a bath, of course he puked on my clothes and then peed on me, but all good. After that, I left the house with both babies sleeping

I could tell that my friend was very happy

Oh, and I made a lasagna for her too!

Thank you so much for all suggestions! I tried to do it all and I will tell you; it was hard! I was exhausted at the end! Everyday I admire you moms more and more. I couldn't do it... I would sit and cry, like my friend does...

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