Inlaws & TTC

laurabeth4you · January 2015

Hello,

I am wanting to get some advice. My inlaws make comments all the time about how my husband and I need to have a baby soon. We just got married in June 2014 and we dated 4 years before that. What they don't know is that we actually are going to start trying in the fall , because my husband is getting his masters. That way if we got pregnant right away ( which I know is unlikely) the baby would come when he is done with his masters.

How do I politely tell them to please stop asking? I have tried telling them to stop but it's not working.

P.S- I do own a maternity & baby store so I am asked daily if I have kids by customers. I just tell them no, not yet. Husband is 24 and I am 23.

butlerfan · January 2015

Good luck....I am having the same issues with my inlaws-nothing seems to work for me. But we have been married longer but they do not know we are TTC currently because I would then be asked daily for updates on that as well.

MrsEmuTavi · January 2015

In your position I would ask my husband to talk to his parents and explain the situation.
My MIL asked years ago about us TTC and I said I needed to finish my masters first (it would take 3 years). She was very naive (she had MH at 22) and said something along the lines of me being 30 then and isn't that old. MH was oblivious to it, luckily my SIL stepped in and backed me up.
I'm sure if you asked your husband to he could chat with her and explain the whole situation or at least explain to her that the both of you are just not ready right now.

SpartanChick88 · January 2015

"That's a great idea! I think we will go give it a shot right now... be back in a bit"

Scatterbug · January 2015

SpartanChick88 said:
"That's a great idea! I think we will go give it a shot right now... be back in a bit"

Love it. I would add "what positions would you recommend?"

pugsandwine · January 2015

I get so frustrated. After years of cutting mine off with a strong "Nope!," they've finally stopped asking.

MrsJenE · January 2015

"We're trying! Apparently, anal isn't working."

Not polite?

Ok.

"We have some things we would like to accomplish before we start trying."

orchid2007 · January 2015

I will never understand why people think it is okay to be so pushy when it comes to peoples family planning plans. Have you told them you specific reasoning? Not that you owe it to them, but maybe that will get her off your back for a while. I understand though, after a while it's hard to just laugh it off.

turtleteam · January 2015

I've been "laughing it off" for a while now, even giving short excuses, but it's very frustrating. I have already asked my husband to step in and say something next time his family is visiting.

2BeMrs.GB · January 2015

Ugh, we get asked when we'll have another all the time. Over Christmas it was from a family friend, I was holding her granddaughter and she asked if it was giving me any ideas *wink wink*- I smiled and said nope! I finally broke down in drunken tears one night and told my parents to stop asking because it was very upsetting as we'd been trying and it wasn't happening. Hopefully your husband can speak to them, or just say "nope" whenever they ask. It sucks!

laurabeth4you · January 2015

They know my husband doesn't graduate until May of 2016. You would think they would know why we are waiting.

JennyH81 · January 2015

If my in-laws said that and I was not TTC, I would respond with some super creepy "Oh, we're just practicing now. Practicing a LOT. You sure did raise a good man. Did he inherit his endowment from you, FIL?" and wink and hopefully they'd be too skeeved out to ask again. Obviously this could backfire though if they seemed too into it. *shudder*

JennyH81 · January 2015

PismoDuo said:

JennyH81 said:

If my in-laws said that and I was not TTC, I would respond with some super creepy "Oh, we're just practicing now. Practicing a LOT. You sure did raise a good man. Did he inherit his endowment from you, FIL?" and wink and hopefully they'd be too skeeved out to ask again. Obviously this could backfire though if they seemed too into it. *shudder*

This would not work on my in-laws. They LOVE creepy/sexual jokes and making people uncomfortable with them.

Yikes to dealing with that on a regular basis!

lyndz333 · January 2015

What's the rush on their part?! Jeez! You guys are young yet. Hubby and I were married for five years and 30 years old before we had our first daughter. People gave you a lot of good suggestions!

wallflwr926 · January 2015

My immediate family doesn't ask because they know better. I have the most issues with aunts and family friends.
It was really brutal at my sister's wedding. I couldn't even hold my niece (brother's daughter) without being asked.
My latest response has been, "Sure, if you are going to pay for them." However, when I said it to my one aunt at my cousin's baby shower I thought she was going to pass out. My aunt is a nun. Oops.
Atleast my cousin thought it was hysterical. We're very close in age and her twins were conceived via IUI so she gets me.

mynameiscarrie · January 2015

We've gotten that a lot in the past couple of years (even though we're only been married for about 3). For my family, we would be having the first grandbaby on both sides and, now that we're settled, they're anxious for it to happen.

We just smile and say "Nope, not yet" or "We'll see what happens this year!"

thycapa · January 2015

We have been married a few years and my in laws are the same way. They even called us out in front of the whole family at a Christmas party. They didn't support my decision to wait while I got my Masters and found it disgusting that I was sick and benched for a while and treated me like damaged goods. I just change the subject which infuriates my MIL, but if she can't support me in all things then this is definitely non of her business. My H also changes the subject too.

catwine · January 2015

My ILs don't ask about TTC and kids but when other people do I respond with something vague like "Oh, maybe in a few years"or "Well we have some things we want to do on the house first".

gscoville · January 2015

When they ask, pointedly ask them if they really want all the intimate details of your sex life, because that's what they'll get whenever they ask in the future, or would they prefer you just tell them when you have good news to share.

Ironrunner · January 2015

I've been getting this question from my in-laws since before we were even engaged!!! When we got engaged my DH told them 5 years to get them off our back. But that only lasted until we got married(a year later) then they started asking again. So DH said, "Were going to wait an extra year every time you ask." I think that about killed his mother but she at least stopped asking.

However, at Christmas I made a comment about my DH saving a gift his Dad gave him to pass on to his kids one day and I think my MIL almost passed out.

Rooskie87 · January 2015

dani_brewer said:

Ohhh I got a new one. Tell them that from now on, every time they ask it adds on a month before you will begin trying (of course don't tell them what this date is). Then if they ask again say "ohh looks like an additional month".

DH ALWAYS responds with this when we get asked. Usually we only have problems with people at church (we're the only married couple with no kids) and with extended family.

teambrink · January 2015

I'm also all about breaking out the wine in front of them! My in laws were with us for a week over the holidays and I poured a glass with the first dinner. No speculation to be had after that.

PrimRoseMama · January 2015

My IL never asked & I might die if they did.

lizzle922 · January 2015

(Un)Fortunately I don't speak the same language as my MIL, so I don't have to worry about her asking. I do know that our parents are excited about kids (my mom, in particular, recommended that I not bother with marriage or a man at all and just have kids on my own, coupled with this gem from her a few years ago - "Now is a great time in my life for you have kids." Uh, right. I'll get on that right now for you.)

I would probably say something crude and inappropriate because I don't have a filter, but I suspect for people who do have one, something like, "We're trying to work out when is best for us and our family. We want to make sure we can give our children everything we can."

AMMR84 · January 2015

Sister, I hear you. My in-laws just go on and on. My FIL is a pastor and he performed our wedding ceremony and he made baby jokes IN THE SERMON. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. I wanted to die - this was way before I was even thinking of being ready. My MOH looked like she was going to tackle him. Anyway, after 5 years of the nagging and terrible, not-so-subtle jokes, I just said "hey, we aren't ready right now and this has gotta stop."

So it really died down for awhile until this Christmas. JFC. FIL was complaining that his sister has 3 grandchildren, but he doesn't have any. At Christmas dinner my MIL announced that she would bribe me or my SIL to have a baby. It went on non-stop. My SIL picked up on it because she loved the attention and started talking about baby names! And here I am, actually TTC but not wanting to make a presumptive announcement... I just had to bite my tongue. I didn't say anything, I would just sit in silence, give vague answers, or literally get up and leave the conversation when it came up. That's another way to do it.

Edit: Spelling

Also...

Bluebird44 said:

OP, sorry that you are struggling with this, because I know how uncomfortable it is to have family members putting pressure on you to get KTFU. DH's grandmother announced to half the family at Thanksgiving that she could see my baby bump. Not pregnant, just chubby.

Yikes!

JBerry727 · January 2015

At least your in-laws want you to have babies. Our extend family drops hints all of the time and if my mother in law is around she chimes in that we are not ready and we have 3 cats and a dog to take care of. SOOOO GREAT! :rollseyes

icaughtfire · January 2015

I'm weirded out that so many parents are interested in their children's sex lives. My parents/in-laws have never asked, and if they did I'd just tell them it's not something I'm discussing with them. The end.

JBerry727 · January 2015

icaughtfire said:

I'm weirded out that so many parents are interested in their children's sex lives. My parents/in-laws have never asked, and if they did I'd just tell them it's not something I'm discussing with them. The end.

I find it very weird too. My parents are so good, they keep their nose out of it. My husband decided at Christmas that he would bring out the pillow I keep on the guest bed that I hide everytime my mom is over. My grandmother got to see it too. So much for the funny "WE HAD SEX ON THIS BED" pillow.

FStone1019 · January 2015

That is extremely frustrating. DH and I have been together for 9 years and married for 5.5 years. We didn't feel ready at all. DH travelled a lot as a kid (military family) and he lived all over Europe and wanted to let me experience travelling as well. We lived in the UK for several years and then the west coast and just returned to Ontario in Sept. We also wanted to further our careers. I have done several post grad nursing courses and certifications. We are TTC since Dec 2014 but nobody knows.

We have been asked constantly for a few years now but we just keep telling everyone 'we are having too much fun', 'we don't want to the responsibility yet', 'we want to travel more' etc....people tend to quit asking after we say things like that! HTH.

chickendancefever · January 2015

ladynymeria said:
This makes me really appreciate my MIL who flat out told me she will never ask because that's our personal decision and none of her business.

@laurabeth4you - I wouldn't mention anything to them about when you're thinking of starting TTC. For now, I would simply tell them you and you husband have decided to wait until he's done with his masters to even think about having a baby, so there's no point in them asking while he's still working on his masters. Hopefully that would help get them off your back until he's done with school at least.

This exactly. Great suggestion!

MrsyM · January 2015

I'm late to the game here, but we have the opposite problem.

My Mother in Law somehow thinks/knows we are TTC, and keeps making comments that we should wait to have kids. We have so much time, I'm so young, SHE waited six years to have her first, we should wait until we've been married x-many years.

Like, she got me the movie 'Life as we know it' for Christmas, a movie about how difficult raising a kid you're not prepared for is.

I really just have to ignore her. I smile and say I can't wait to be a mom, when we're ready. Then I change the subject. One of these days I'll probably snap and say something sarcastic, but hey.

nuggetRN · January 2015

Surprisingly I didn't have anybody straight up ask me over the holidays when we were going to have kids, but I had resolved to use the "every time you bring it up we add another month."

I did actually have a couple of chances with different family members to lay it on pretty thick about how we weren't going to have kids for another five years because we have so many other things to do and I'm still so young. That was pretty fun, lol. I am an excellent liar

catwine · January 2015

JBerry727 said:

At least your in-laws want you to have babies. Our extend family drops hints all of the time and if my mother in law is around she chimes in that we are not ready and we have 3 cats and a dog to take care of. SOOOO GREAT! :rollseyes

Ditto this, but it's my mom who doesn't want us to have a baby. She thinks we are too young, which is what she said when we got engaged, then bought a house. She was 24 when I was born, which is how old I currently am so I'm not sure why she feels I'm not ready. I'm actually nervous about having to tell her when I am pregnant.

SunShineWoman · January 2015

I have the same issues as well. Especially with my husbands mom. We had them o er for dinner last night because he got a new job and wanted to share the news. And doesn't she friggen start right in about is he going to be a father...... She drives me nuts!!! And puts a lot of pressure on us..

agar0525 · January 2015

LOL i just have to say that this discussion is quite funny after a LARGE glass of wine (it's my evening, I just got of work - don't judge!)....

That said, I know the pain. My DH siblings are all older, he's the only one left to have kids. And my brother never wants kids and my sister is done having her one... so we're the only grandparent's hope on both sides! Needless to say, both families are constantly prying and now I have some new responses!!!

Remylove1011 · January 2015

My inlaws do this a lot. They did the same thing with asking when we were going to get married before we got married, since we dated for so long. We generally went with PP's suggestion of "after we..." For the getting married it was "when I'm done with my masters". So for the baby for a long time we said "after we buy a house". Now that we've been in our house almost a year everyone is wondering. My MIL has gotten a lot better as she knows we've been trying for a while and asks less. I think they just get excited and don't think about how much pressure it puts on you. Good luck figuring out how to discuss this. We're currently in the ignoring it stage as MH does not want to tell them that we're going through testing now.

rbtrumpet · January 2015

I used to tell people that we needed a house, then a dog, then we'd think about a kid. No one knew we were trying. In your situation, OP, I'd probably say something like "we'll start trying after DH graduates" - even if it's not true, it gets them off your back for a year or so.

The advice never stops, BTW. We got a ton of "when are you going to have a kid" questions. Now that DD is 1, my parents are telling us that we need to start trying for #2, MIL is telling us that we need to wait at least 2 more years before trying for #2. I finally flat out told both of them that "this is my sex life, and you don't get a say in it". That, surprisingly, worked well.

suburbanstepmom · January 2015

I certainly don't have any fresh insight, but just wanted to drop in and confim that there are a few smarty-pants answers in here that I will have in my hip pocket if the in-laws ever stick their nose where it doesn't belong!

LyndseyPM · January 2015

I'm 21, my husband is 25. We've been asked so much since we got married a year ago. We really wanted enough time to decide. He's finally settled on a job where he gets more time off. He was a truck driver before. So that's nice. We just had our "6 year dating anniversary" New Year's Eve. So it's annoying and fresh yet when people ask. My coworker is pregnant with her first. My best friend is having her third. My SIL is also 21 and pregnant with her second and it kills me. Because we just finally discussed trying now. All I've wanted to be is mom next to benign MH wife. Hopefully soon!!!

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