What Stage Are Your SO's At?

BunnyBerry · January 2015

This week DH seems to have really grown - if that's the right word - or moved forward in some way, in his IF journey. He has already been through a loooong stage of denial (that lasted through several SAs, the stubborn guy!), a significant anger period when he didn't want to go to consults and complained about every cent paid and every tiny thing he had to do, then some kind of confusion stage where he wanted to understand and care and support but just got frustrated about it all because he didn't know how. The last week or so it feels like he is in a new stage - one that I think is even more painful for him, but also is making us closer, maybe because our experiences are starting to coincide more.

Trigger 1 - Having a very, very difficult and impassioned discussion/argument about SR, but coming out of it still completely disagreeing with each other and yet with complete respect for the other's feelings - feeling pretty confident that we would be able to work out one of the most difficult life decisions that one could face without it breaking us apart.

Trigger 2 - reading a few sections together of What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting (the most helpful part - the "stages of crazy" which has helped him accept my feelings and be okay with what he can, or can't, do to help)

***CHILDREN MENTIONED***

Trigger 3 - playing with friends' LOs and realizing how innocent, fun, curious, squishy, kind, etc. children are, and that he would have no trouble coming to love his own even if they aren't biologically his

Trigger 4 - playing a game of Life with me last night. He had no kids, a big mansion, tons of successes in life, and 50% more cash to retire with in the end. I had two kids, paid through the nose for their college educations and medical bills, had a simple little house, etc. but we both felt as if I was the winner of the game. It was like a safe little way to imagine two different life scenarios.

Last night, he prayed, "God, I am ready for a baby, and my wife is ready for a baby. We are not financially ready, but if you will let us have one, I know you can help us and it will all work out. Please let us have a baby this month." Then he told me (the emotion coming through with his accent just melted my heart), "I am deeesperate for a baby. I want to be a dad. We can't give up. I will do anything to make it happen."

So I guess I was wondering, what stages have your SO's gone through? Are they typically on the same page or in the same place with you? Are women always "farther along" in terms of how ready we are and how much it is hurting? Have you ever thought your SO was experiencing things in one way, and it turned out that underneath it was very different for them from what you assumed? Has it caused strain or brought you closer together (or both, like it has for us)? Have you ever waited on treatments to give your SO time to "catch up"?

Edited for spelling

dancerspose · January 2015

It sounds like you and your husband have really turned a corner, so to speak. His prayer was beautiful, by the way, brought tears to my eyes.

Unfortunately, I think my DH is still in some sort of denial/that grasping the full severity of the situation mode. I'm sure I'm only feeding into it by not forcing us to have conversations about it, but every time I try they pretty much end the same way - me just crying about how unfair life is and him saying "we'll do whatever it takes." I keep trying to explain to that it's not that simple. We certainly can't afford to do whatever it takes, but he's still in "fix-it" mode. So every time I try to have a conversation about what limit will put on tries and all that it ends before it begins.

Part of me thinks maybe he's so detached, for lack of a better term, from the process because we actually haven't made it to a cycle yet. I thought maybe when our last cycle got cancelled too late to get any of the money back that might wake him up a bit since it was almost $1000 we lost, but it still didn't seem to register.

I guess all this is a long of saying it's just too soon to tell for us I think. We're certainly closer in the sense that we are committed to each other and having a family, but we haven't had any of the big discussions - treatment limits, foster, adoption...I guess even though it feels like we've already been on this road forever we're still newbies in a lot of ways.

tweetyknicks · January 2015

MH likes to remain stoic about things. That makes it hard for me to know if he's really as invested as I am, so I have to take it on faith that he is when he says he is.

BandM14 · January 2015

Your husband's prayer was so sweet, Bunny. Although it sounds like he is feeling more pain/anguish over IF, I'm glad that you two are on the same page and that you are able to communicate your feelings and support one another (even if you don't necessarily agree all the time!).

MH was resistant to this entire process for a long time. Like Bunny's H, he read "What to expect when she is not expecting," and I do think it helped him understand how difficult this process is and how to recognize what he can and cannot control during it. Once we finally turned the corner of starting treatments, he has been a big support and I have really appreciated how he tries to go through it with me-- he comes to almost all of my appointments, even ultrasounds, and even though he just sits there while I get violated by the vag cam, it's nice to know that he is trying to be there for me.

The biggest problem that we have had, especially lately, is (on the surface) not IF related. We have just been at each other's throats over small things and have had a few REALLY stupid big fights over the past couple of months. Although they aren't technically about IF, I think that the stress of it has definitely worn our patience thin and left us both irritable. I often forget that he is going through a loss too.... through not being able to conceive naturally, and facing the possibilities of more intense treatments, adoption, and childlessness. It's tough because he has only said once or twice that he is hurting over this, but I have to remember that that is because he is trying to be strong and not because it doesn't affect him.

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@shafwilson That sounds so hard. I've read that it's good to discuss ahead of time what the path will look like, but that is so hard to do without knowing what might come! Maybe when treatment really begins YH will have a better idea of how far he would go. Are you pretty clear in your mind what you would want to do, or is it more something that you need to work through with him together? I guess in a way it's easier for us because fostering and adopting are not on the table until he finishes school and gets a stable job, so right now it's just our next-3-years story to think about.

@tweetyknicks It sounds like you have figured out a good way to work with YH's personality!

@lemonliz Lol, I forgot the sad/depressed phase. It makes so much sense that the denial - and then despondency - could be precipitated by an MFI dx. I'm so glad you guys could talk baby names again, that sounds really fun! I'm with you, IF is such a huge burden on the woman undergoing treatment - physically, emotionally, even in terms of expectations of society and family and ourselves - and I guess it's always a little prick when I'm reminded of how much this can hurt our SO's, even if it's not the same for them. When DH was so sad last night, I asked him, "Honey, it seems like you're hurting a lot. Do you have the ability of turning off those feelings when they get too strong?" He said, "Yes, I can, I will have to." I said, "Ahh. See, I cannot turn them off. So when they come, I can only feel them, no matter how much it hurts." And I think he will really understand better now when I'm not hopeful, or I'm sensitive, or whatever.

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@nariadreaming Wow, I never would have thought of that! Does YH like going to the appointments, or just wanted to be invited? It was a big moment when MH first started to come along to bloodwork and ultrasounds when he was free, but as a support to me. I never thought that he might want to be more involved in the process.

@bandm14 I'm sorry you guys have been feeling "grumpy" lately.

It is hard to remember to care about DH's feelings when he doesn't talk about them, that's for sure. I'm glad the book helped a lot - there's just something about hearing from a guy who curses and admits to all sorts of unsavory things that makes other men sit up and listen.

dancerspose · January 2015

@BunnyBerry I think I'm pretty clear in my head how far I'm willing to go treatment wise, which unfortunately for me is more driven by finances than anything else. Where I get a little less certain is with foster/adoption. I don't think there's any scenario in which DH would want to do less than me. He's offered multiple times to sell off everything he owns (he's a car person and has multiple vehicles, some with some very expensive parts) to pay for treatment.

I know we have lots of conversations lefts to have, and I've been a total wimp about it. Given our diagnosis and current treatment plan all he really has to do is perform when the time comes so I think it's been pretty easy so far to separate our experiences with the struggle - if that makes sense.

deelopi9 · January 2015

I love this...DH wanted to have a baby 1 year before we started trying. We were not married and it was important to me to be married. A year later he proposed, and we were letting things happen naturally. He didn't mind mild medical intervention and in the beginning when we started with RE he was whatever about it. Once the expenses starting rolling in so did the complaints. Complaining about having to go in for SA, questioning everything the doctor was having us do. I'm a type A person and obsession took over. If I was going to do this I wanted to do it right the first time around. Healthy eating, follow the doctors advice to the T, the timed sex. We fought, he was angry, I was resentful because we started this journey together and made decisions together. I felt alone and couldn't relinquish control. My importance/priority on the stages w/RE were not aligned with his. He was still at a stage where he wanted to happen naturally.

It took him 1 1/2 years to come around with the help of a therapist. We are finally on the same page and at a stage where the journey has brought us closer together.

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@deelopi9 Wow, that sounds so similar to MH before! I'm glad YH was willing to see someone and has come around to more of the same page.

@shafwilson That is so kind of YH to be willing to sell all his special "toys" if needed. Although I hope it doesn't come to that! I did find that the less I talked about it when we were doing oral med cycles, the more peaceful our home/marriage was (I felt really sorry for myself every time I decided to keep my feelings inside to keep the peace, though). I think it was the huge physical, emotional, and hormonal toll of this overstim injects cycle that has forced us into a place where we really, seriously think and talk about what we're doing.

jerseymack23 · January 2015

My husband and I have wanted children for years (we've been together since 2004- he was actually my first kiss in 2000, haha), but it was important for us to be married and have good jobs. We have both, and we're still without children.

It's hard, because after all the testing, I am the problem (which sucks!). I know he desperately wants kids- we've talked about it for so long. We also take his nephews for weekends at a time, and we love that time together.

He is not a very emotional person and tries to be brave. However, I can see the disappointment on his face when we go to the fertility doctor and don't get positive news. Also, when his younger sister announced she was pregnant on Christmas morning, he had a very angry/ frustrated reaction. I know he tries to be strong, but I can tell he's sad. The whole thing just stinks!

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@lavishpeach I really hope that the denial you guys feel turns out to be justified!!

- I know what you mean about how a lot of those months trying don't seem like they "count" because of imperfect conditions.

@kensie5226 Guys are so interesting - I love how YH wants to think of it as "getting help from science."

I'm glad you guys have been able to handle the emotions well together.

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@nariadreaming That's so sweet.

One of the ultrasounds, the tech used the funniest baby voice to talk to DH about the "little eggies" that were growing and the "soft blanket" for them to cuddle in or some such. She spent the whole time narrating for him, and like you said, it was hard not to roll eyes or interrupt!

supermorena · January 2015

I love your husband's prayer and what he said after... had to reach for the kleenex!
As for us, we've always been on the same page of wanting children and he's been supportive of how hard this is on me/us. I think the thing I need to keep reminding myself of is that he's going through many of the same emotions as me, but just handles them differently. He is able to compartmentalize (and I'm just a weepy emotional mess) and has a never-ending positive attitude (I used to be more glass is half full, but it's looking pretty empty these days). It can be frustrating, but I think it's good because we balance each other out.
With treatments, we're pretty much on the same page or at least able to understand each other and find sonething we're both ok with. Latey though, I'm feeling like we're hitting the end of this particular road and it's time to start looking into adoption. When I bring it up though, I can tell he's just not ready to think about that. There will be many difficult conversations coming up I'm sure.

dancerspose · January 2015

BunnyBerry said:

@nariadreaming That's so sweet. One of the ultrasounds, the tech used the funniest baby voice to talk to DH about the "little eggies" that were growing and the "soft blanket" for them to cuddle in or some such. She spent the whole time narrating for him, and like you said, it was hard not to roll eyes or interrupt!

OMG - I would fallen off the exam table laughing at that. I can't imagine how you and YH managed to keep straight faces during that!

bookworm40 · January 2015

Bunny - your post made me tear up.. His prayer was beautiful.. you are def blessed..

My DH is dealing with this in his own way..He has said he will do anything to give us a family. I know it must be so hard for him to deal with all this, he doesn't have any male friends and his brother is not someone he can talk to, nor do I want his brother to know our business because his brother has made fun of him before for not getting the "deed done faster" as he puts it.

DH went to the Urologist last night and I went with him for support, we talked about what's going on and he did admit that it has had an effect on him sexually which I knew all along.. The Urologist was great with him, said he would do his best to get him through this and get his numbers up.

The comment that broke my heart was when AF arrived on Sunday and he just looked at me and said "well that's my fault.. my body didn't work and do it's job". I just looked at him and said don't ever say that to me again.. This is not your problem, its OUR issue to work through together.

In some strange way I know this entire process has made us much closer and has really strengthened our marriage.

deelopi9 · January 2015

@bunnyberry - we drifted apart with all of the arguing, fighting, crying. TTC consumed every second of our lives. Every decision whether it was buying house, vacations, cars, spending money turned into an argument. To top it off, I had my assistant and best friend pregnant and I was the one hosting the 2 baby showers one week apart. My depression made me hit rock bottom and I couldn't handle it. It wasn't until I started having panic attacks that I realized things had to change.

It's been such a relief on our marriage, in myself and in him as an individual to see the change in him. It was an insight into how we would deal with things once we did have a child. Without going through that difficult stage/stages we wouldn't have grown.

wanderlust508 · January 2015

@BunnyBerry - It's funny that you mentioned The Game of Life because I have this vivid memory of playing it as a 9 year old with my older cousins. I think at one point there was a fork in the road that could either win me $50,000 or lead to to a path where I have a set of twin girls. My cousins argued that I should have taken the money and I said "But kids are more valuable than money."

I don't think MH has been through as many stages as Mr Bunny. He never expresses any disappointment at our BFN's or any hope around our TTC journey. I think his attitude is very much "It'll happen when it happens." He is always looking on the bright side of not having kids ....which is infuriating at times! Sometimes I stop to question if he wants kids. But he always insists that he does.

megrae12 · January 2015

Bunny-I love this post. YH's prayer brought tears to my eyes.

MH was a little hesitant when we were first jumped in with the RE. He was convinced it would happen for us naturally. I, think, too, he was still hurting over our loss. I know it was very traumatic for him. Hearing the doc say I could have died really took a toll on him. He started out pretty vested in the this process. He was all about where I was in my cycle, when I was going in for monitoring, etc. Now, that we are on break he is back on his ever hopeful kick.

The other night, when we were visiting my family, he said he wanted a baby. He sounded so sad, and it broke my heart. He is always quick to tell me (when I am having a bad IF day) that he still loves me no matter what. He is very supportive and uplifting, but I am not sure if the full reality of what we are dealing with has set in for him. He thinks (sometimes) that I am becoming IF. He says I let it define me. I do not think he has grasped that it is a disease. He is still stuck in the if I relax it will happen. That is hard and it's hard not to jump his shit about it. Overall, though, I think he is finally realizing that this process is going to be a lot more involved than he originally counted on. I think he is slowly coming to the conclusion that not only are we grieving our lost babies, we will grieve the ones we may never meet. I think that has been the biggest improvement.

theholmanherd · January 2015

My H is still pretty immature, IF-wise. His first concerns always seem to be 'we don't have the time/money for that' instead of 'how can we make this happen?' I would never suggest we go into debt but he always acts like that's what I'm think if I tell him we need to discuss it more than him just saying no to something. And for some reason, fostering has brought up a whole new side. We haven't explored that yet, so I'll get back to you. I'm glad your husband is IF mature. You're very lucky to have a man who will show his feelings and get emotional. Mine never does. He talks about them if I push him, but he's never cried. Not once since we met. He never says anything profound like that. I hope that changes with time.

tweetyknicks · January 2015

@firstarabesque That sounds a *lot* like MH. He's a career scientist too and gave me the same rationale for reacting so little when I get upset. And we had the same conversation about that making me feel more alone in the process.

Remylove1011 · January 2015

@BunnyBerry great idea for a topic and that prayer was so sweet!!

We're at the beginning stages of this and I feel like it's mostly been denial and being crazy optimistic. When we first started TTC, MH was so sure that we would be one of those couples that got pregnant right away. After 6 months I think it started to sink in. When we started to talk about options he had a very clear opinion, which surprised me. He wants to do all the testing and IUI's (these are covered by insurance), but is not willing to do IVF and would rather adopt. He's said a combination of things like he'd rather pay for an adoption and have the guarantee. I'm not sure where he'll be at if the IUI's don't work.

Since it looks like we will be dealing with MFI, I've tried to ask him a few times since Friday how he's doing. He says it's fine and it would make sense that his sperm were "lazy". Basically making light of the whole situation. He's very confident that this first IUI will work. Our current cycle is a natural one and he wanted me to lay down for a while after sx last night to "give his lazy sperm time to get up there". He called today and scheduled his repeat SA. When he didn't get an answer the first time he asked me if he actually had to go since we were just doing IUI anyway. I then had to explain that we'd need to know if it stayed the same and get treatment recommendations for future IUI's. He is very confident that this will work the first try

I'm worried it won't an how that will effect him.

SND1231 · January 2015

Your DH sounds wonderful. You are very blessed. My DH has been pretty supportive from the start. He hasn't really understood everything but I know he is trying and he always is there for me.

bumpuser5823822 · January 2015

It's so nice when DHs get on board with the process emotionally!! I'm happy for you that your DH is being so sweet and supportive @BunnyBerry!.

My DH has been through multiple stages. He was never really taught to distinguish and express emotions so this has made the process a little harder. He started off TTC so happy and excited. Then after too many "rejection letters" as he calls them he became an emotional mess. He was so hurt and I dreaded letting him know I got my period each month. DREADED IT. All of his emotions of hurt and frustration came across as the only emotion he knew, anger. Usually directed towards me and our relationship. Then he would randomly cry because the anger didn't help him feel better. He also had a real problem with the fact that I had to feel month to month like there was something wrong with my body and like I was failing. He thought the 12 month rule was complete BS. So that angered him too. He wants to be a dad so badly.

Now that we are on track with an RE he is super on board. He is slowly working on bringing back his hope for our future and excitement for test results and progress. He at this point is the rock holding me together. I'm the one falling apart now.

I would say what surprised me the most has been his stance on adoption. In the beginning he was totally against it. One day around Christmas the switch just flipped for him. He realized we had so much to offer a child and that there are so many children out there who need the loving home we could provide. He knows now that that is always an open door for us now. Which makes me so relieved.

I think what helped my DH the most was finding other men who could relate. I think he felt even more isolated with IF than me. He finally opened up to his (older) boss and another older gentleman he looked up to at work. They both shared their stories of struggles with their wives to create their families. It really opened his eyes. He realized our struggle wasn't uncommon and he suddenly had some one else to talk to about some of his issues. Not to mention he had people who cared. That made a big change in his heart I think.

BunnyBerry · January 2015

Thank you so much for your responses! Last night, DH and I read through them together and it was a very special, happy/sad experience. I feel like I've been so focused on my experience through all of this that I rarely take the time to think through what he's experiencing, and every time I do, it helps me want to be stronger for him.

@jerseymack23 Oh my, what a romantic story!! I'm so sorry you guys haven't been able to have kids yet. I hope it happens for you soon.

@supermorena I'm so happy you guys are on the same page with things! But isn't is funny/annoying how we have to "spoon-feed" them discussions about different stages of the journey?

@cupcakegal930 I am so glad the urologist is being supportive of YH at this tough time. It can be so hard for guys to feel like there is something wrong with their "manhood" in both senses of the word! As hard as IF is, I can't say I'd want to go back and take it away, because it has helped define our relationship. I'm glad it's bringing you guys closer, even though it's such a terrible struggle to face.

@deelopi9 Wow, I am sorry you had to get to such a rock bottom place emotionally, but I am so glad that it led to better communication between you guys. I think when I actually went to that first IF counseling appointment, it was a heads up to DH that this was serious stuff.

@laurensc927 Lol oh my goodness that is such a crazy thought that we get pregnant while our husbands are at work - it sounds illicit somehow! It's really nice that YH is making that effort to be sensitive about how OPPs affect you.

@ldubhawksfan That's so sweet that he's sweeping you off your feet for FW sex! And that he understands how it must feel to be the one with the IF dx.

@eastbaybride508 Wow, that's so sweet that you felt that way even as a little kid!! DH used to find it much easier to convince himself that childlessness wouldn't be such a bad thing, and that made me feel really bad, too. I keep repeating a sentence to him from that book for guys - men want kids, women need kids. (At least that applies to us.)

@rainbowbridge14 I'm so glad that YH has educated himself and is right there with you. It's so sweet that he wanted to let his boss know. I love it when DH takes initiative on anything!!

@megrae12 Isn't it frustrating that even when we think they are really invested and supportive, then they decide that we just need to relax? I wonder if it's part of the feeling of having to fix things, and they can't, so they just want us to fix things somehow.

@theholmanherd Well, you've made me more appreciative of my husband's propensity to show emotion (of every variety, Lol). I think it's really been just a week or so that I've seen this new side to him regarding IF, though...hopefully it lasts through the big financial and other decisions related to IVF!

@daydreamsam It's sweet that YH's going to appointments with you now.

Wow, I feel really sorry for your sister - I hope she has a resolution to her IF journey. Is she able to be there for you now?

@sammae Isn't it funny how they don't believe a word we say, until they hear it from the mouth of a doctor? I'm glad YH's starting to open up.

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@firstarabesque Wow, I am so happy you two had that wonderful heart to heart about how he was trying to protect your feelings and you felt alone. It sounds like that would make such a different in the journey! It's nice that YH has a scientific mind and can look rationally at everything. Mine is in school for engineering, but he hasn't started his Stats sequence yet, and I constantly bemoan his crazy interpretations of statistics - like, when I say something has a 0 chance, he'll be like, "Sure, but it could happen!" Arghh!

@bluefairy5 It's so good that YH gives himself some slack for the MFI that he can't control. Lol, glad to know he'll be at your ET for sure!! I hate that feeling of really wanting DH to be at an appointment, but also wanting to make the whole process a little easier on him so he'll be able to support me another time when I need it. Luckily this month DH has been on break from school so he's been really available, and he also started to come to weekend appointments this past semester. But the first 1/2 year or more I had to cry and beg sometimes just to get him to give a sample.

@booklover811 Lol oh my goodness, what a terrible fallacy that IF is a woman's problem! So glad he got over that.

It's so nice that he's trying to do his part with the vitamins.

@cinzink Wow, that is some serious optimism! I hope IUI#1 is a success.

MH was in a place like that for a while - I could tell him there is a 99% chance it wouldn't work, and he couldn't understand why I wasn't excited because we had a 1% chance it would. Maybe if it comes to it, learning more about exactly how the sperm parameters affect pregnancy chances, or the (not that high) chances of pregnancy per cycle even for healthy couples, or what the adoption process is like, etc. will help him avoid so much disappointment in the future. But I hope his optimism is rewarded very soon!!

@remylove1011 Haha, I almost didn't post because my ideas about it felt like a jumble, but I am so glad that everyone has been willing to reflect on the topic and share such powerful experiences and ideas.

@snd1231 I'm so glad that YH is supportive. It makes such a difference in the process!

@w+c3 I'm so sorry that the first year TTC was so hard on YH. Thankfully he is more supportive now that you're having a tough time with treatment. IF just sucks.

It's wonderful though that the door to adoption is open now. I have found it helps me stay calm when I can envision many possible paths instead of fretting over every cycle - or "rejection letter" as YH called it, that is the perfect term to describe how it feels!

@kbojo24 Guys really do have selective hearing, don't they?

It's awesome that YH was game for losing his salad virginity in the service of babymaking!

longhornwino0907 · January 2015

Bunny, I'm so glad that things seem to have turned a corner and you and YH are on the same page now. I know how important that is!

We're just now getting into the realm of IF, but DH went through some similar stages of acceptance even during our year of trying on our own. For us, for a long time, DH was in the NTNP mindset, while I was in full-on TTC mode. We weren't on the same page for the first six months or so of trying. After six months, he decided to take things seriously, as in timing intercourse, whereas I was ready to move on to OPKs and temping. When we saw the RE in November, he was really hesitant, thought we were rushing into it and hadn't really given us the appropriate amount of time. Once I was diagnosed with a large cyst, he realized that it was good we went in.

Then, IUIs were mentioned post-lap. And he explained it to his parents (we're both really open about our journey with our parents) as "artificial insemination" which, while technically true, has a very negative connotation, so I knew that's how he was viewing it. So we sat down over the course of a week or two and had some serious heart-to-hearts about why it was important to me that we move on to this next step (to save my sanity, mostly) and how I needed him to view this not as failure on either of our parts, but of us just getting a team of specialists behind us whose only goal was to get my pregnant with our baby. And also that all this timed intercourse, analyzing my body and telling him when to jump me, was really wearing on me and on my view of our relationship. He opened up that it was hard on him, too, to have me making him feel like a sperm bank. We've worked through so much in the last month or two, and I feel like we're truly on almost the same page.

I say almost because he is so on top of our finances that the fertility treatments, testing, IUIs, etc. weigh heavily on his mind solely because of the cost. We're going back and forth now on doing an IUI every other month or every three months to save on expenses. I want to do them every month, but we'll see.

ETA: I can tell he's starting to get emotional when it doesn't happen each month, too. I mentioned this morning that I was starting to spot and that I'll probably have to go in for my baseline u/s this week to gear up for our IUI and he looked crushed. So hard to see my rock look so devastated.

twinkl5379 · January 2015

The place that my H and I are at is definitely different b/c he has 2 kids from his previous marriage. For me, this is one of the most difficult aspects of IF. It's really hard to struggle with the emotions that I have while he is a parent. I feel like it's something we should go through together, and while we are technically, I know we aren't emotionally.

IF also makes it more difficult for me to be engaged with my s-kids the way I'd like to, it has not been an easy road. But H tries to support me and does the best he can. But sometimes I feel a little embarrassed to share my deepest emotions about IF with him b/c I know he can't understand or feel the same. I don't know why, but I really want him to. It's the same reason I don't share IF with the majority of people; I share with some, but not with my friends/family that have kids.

BunnyBerry · January 2015

@longhornwino0907 Thanks for sharing! Isn't it funny how we're often a step ahead of them? I like the way you put it to him that IUI might help you guys actually have a more normal sex life. Having an extra month or two to save up for IUI sounds like not a bad plan, although I hope he gets more on the schedule that you're comfortable with! Maybe if you let him know that there's always a chance for another cyst and a cancelled cycle anyway?

Lately DH has also been sad about AF coming, so I always try to ease him into it gently - like, "honey, I might have had a little cramp or blood today, I don't know," then, "well, those are definitely cramps, AF is probably coming..." etc. for a few days. It actually makes it easier for me, too.

@twinkl5379 I am so sorry, that sounds really hard. I wonder if he might slowly start to come around to understanding you - perhaps it helps him cope to focus on the fact that he has bio kids already, but maybe underneath he is really feeling it? By the way, did you join the stepparent check-in? I was amazed that there are so many stepmoms on 3T - it sounds like a really hard place to be in.

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