Disciplining SD - Ideas needed?

ohlordy · January 2015

So this thread might sound a bit off-putting based on the title, but I am starting to have a hard time with my 11.5 y-o SD. Here goes:

My SD is currently in 6th grade (elementary school) and has been lying about homework and projects quite a bit this year. Starting in 4th grade, she began procrastination and we warned her that as she got older, there would be less hand-holding and prompting. Since the beginning of the school year, she has lied multiple times about her reading logs (daily, 30 min reading with a summary and parent sign) and projects. I talk to her all the time about the importance of getting her work done and she says she gets it, but she just doesn't get her ass into gear like she says she will. I tell her that the more she lies, the less help she will get from us (running around purchasing supplies, using the computer/printer, taking her sweet time, etc.

This last time when she lied about her project, (a month ago) we wouldn't purchase any new supplies for her, do any of the project for her, she wasn't allowed to use the computer to print anything and was only able to use her book (project over a week late). She recently lied abut finishing her reading log during winter break and we gave her 2 options: 1) fess up now and be grounded for one weekend for lying previously or 2) produce the finished reading log within 10-mins of drop off (if produced, 1 weekend of grounding remains for previous lies and if can't find it or admits to lie at that point, 2 weekends of grounding).

She fessed to the lie and we grounded her for a weekend. Since she loves TV and movies, her punishment is no screens (TV, computer, tablet, anything electronic and entertaining) and extra chores (all dishes, helping out more than just picking up after herself). I am allowing her to read and play with her baby sis.

We get SD every-other-weekend and I don't feel that a "confinement to you room" grounding is conducive in this situation because of the scarcity of time we have with her, so I am reaching out to see if anyone has any ideas of how we can deal with this. I don't know where to go after taking away TV and all screens. She is such a sweet girl and I love her to bits, but I don't want to encourage or reward this behavior at all. She isn't a bad kid, just starting down a path of bad habits.

tl;dr - how to discipline 11 yo SD who continues to lie about homework but we only have every-other weekend with her. HALP!

wifeofadam · January 2015

Could there be a deeper issue? Could she be struggling with the work and therefore deciding not to do it at all because it is just too hard? Perhaps there could be an undiagnosed learning issue?

I could be way off base, but I'm just throwing it out there. I know that with my kids and their schoolwork, generally when they are procrastinating or giving me a hard time about doing it (like DS2 and his reading/phonics work) it is usually because they are weaker in those subjects and it is really hard for them.

ohlordy · January 2015

@sagen Thanks for the feedback. H, Ex, and myself have been working together more since this is becoming a recurring issue as of recent. I offer to be available for any parent-teacher conference or anything at all to help this kid out.

We have agreed to let each other know any info that comes from SD regarding school and that has been working so we will just have to keep up with that and with the consistency between the houses.

Much appreciated!

ohlordy · January 2015

@wifeofadam I try and consider this every so often, but her teacher says that her in-class work is good and she might even need to be challenged more. She is very bright, but extremely lazy. When she does work, it is at her level and everything we would expect of her. She did have a speech issue with pronouncing "r", but she did speech class for a couple years and she pronounces much better.

I do notice that she rushes horribly through everything and misspells the simplest words and when I ask her "how do you spell this ...", she spells it right. She wants everything done instantaneously and if she can't have that, she just won't do it. I recall myself being lazy around that age and the way my parents were with it (lots of yelling) and I'd like to approach it differently, but still just as serious.

She is lazy with school work and lazy with home stuff and prompt with nothing. I suppose this is normal for an 11 year old, but its not something I want to just brush off and attribute it to the age.

I ask her if the material is too hard, and sometimes she says there is something she doesn't get, so i'll help her. If i don't know, I exhaust my resources to make sure she understands. I never do her work for her or provide answers. I try and guide her in the right direction and it usually does the trick.

I think I will try and dig a little deeper and see if there is more confusion on her part. I'm just seeing a ton of laziness.

Also, she was recently diagnosed with scoliosis (mild), started wearing her brace a month ago, and then got her period a few days after starting the brace. A lot has happened and we are there for her, but we are trying to teach her that despite all of her hurdles, life still goes on and business is as usual, so there are no free passes with the school work or lying, just more understanding on our part that it is a lot of things happening at once and there will be a period of adjustment.

brachysira · January 2015

It seems like at that age, there is often a website or kids are required to write down all their homework assignments in a notebook each day or something. Is there a way for you to just find out what is due? I agree there might be something more to it. Perhaps she is just using this as a way to get some control. Perhaps it is an actual homework difficulty issue. I would not focus on punishing her for lying or punishing her for not doing her work. Instead, be empathetic, work with her teacher to get assignments (find out how students are supposed to keep track at least), and provide support to help her get things done. Whatever is going on will be harder to figure out if she's just being punished and feels isolated and like you won't help. I understand why you restricted supplies, but I think just helping her get through this and providing what you can, even last minute, is a better approach. Especially as the step mom, you want to be a source of support rather than escalating conflict.

tamarar5 · January 2015

Don't know if you saw, but I've been having the same issue with my 7 almost 8 year old. So you aren't alone! Haven't figured out of anything is working yet, but good luck!

TarheelMama202 · January 2015

Does she have a planner? Is there a website that teachers update daily with homework for students? I'm a former 6th grade teacher and we always required students to write down that night's homework in their planner, signing it to make sure that they did it. We also sent home a daily homework email. A lot of 6th graders are going to try to weasel their way out of doing work. I think being proactive and front-loading expectations with kids at this age is critical. If her school doesn't require a planner or send home a daily homework email or phone call, I would buy her a planner and make her responsible for writing down her homework every night. See if her teacher would be on board to initial it everyday ensuring that she is writing down what her expectations are.

TarheelMama202 · January 2015

So 6th grade is still elementary school where you live? We always saw a huge breakdown in kids struggling with just doing school in 6th grade where I am, because it is the transition year to middle school here. So many kids are able to squeak by up until 6th grade, and then the idea of being a student gets harder because, well, the work gets a lot harder! Just to let you know that from my experience, a lot of other kids the same age as your SD go through similar struggles at this age.

tamarar5 · January 2015

@seadragon2013‌ You totally just described more in school and growing up. :-/

lc&jw · January 2015

seadragon2013 said:

Just a thought, but at that age, struggles with executive function in intelligent kids are often perceived as laziness. The kids themselves often perpetuate this with a too cool for school attitude.

My thoughts exactly. It might be worth having her evaluated for attention issues. Bright kids with ADD/ADHD often slip through the cracks because they are able to learn without having to work very hard. As the work and organizational demands of school increase in later grades, you start seeing problems similar to what you're describing, with the lying being no exception.

Rather than focusing on discipline right now, I'd suggest talking to a psychologist to have her evaluated and determine why these issues are happening. That should give you a much clearer idea of how to solve the problem. Punishing a child who has underlying untreated attention issues is only going to go so far.

Rynleigh · January 2015

It sounds very normal, developmentally. IMO, punishing for a lack of interest in school work not only fails to fix the problem, but creates resentment for others in addition to the disinterest in work. If there is ever a time for hand holding in school, it's the tween and teen years. That's when kids start to feel socially isolated and awkward, when work actually starts to get complicated, and when they really need a mentor to bond with. Stop trying to consequence her into school work and start making it a family bonding experience.

draeray · January 2015

I have no advice but have the same problem with my almost 9 year old and he is only in 3rd grade. The difference is, he is ADHD and is on medication so I feel like he just doesn't want to do it and doesn't care what the reprocussions of his actions are.

holly321 · January 2015

I just wanted to add on to possible ADHD. I was the same way in school . I was not diagnosed until I was an adult.

ohlordy · January 2015

brachysira said:

It seems like at that age, there is often a website or kids are required to write down all their homework assignments in a notebook each day or something. Is there a way for you to just find out what is due? I agree there might be something more to it. Perhaps she is just using this as a way to get some control. Perhaps it is an actual homework difficulty issue. I would not focus on punishing her for lying or punishing her for not doing her work. Instead, be empathetic, work with her teacher to get assignments (find out how students are supposed to keep track at least), and provide support to help her get things done. Whatever is going on will be harder to figure out if she's just being punished and feels isolated and like you won't help. I understand why you restricted supplies, but I think just helping her get through this and providing what you can, even last minute, is a better approach. Especially as the step mom, you want to be a source of support rather than escalating conflict.

At this age, the school provides planners in which they are required to write their assignments, and she does okay with that, but she hides a lot of the project papers she gets. It's been going on since 4th grade and has been getting worse. We were more lenient in 4th and 5th grade with the last minute stuff, but I feel that going on the 3rd year of this is teaching her nothing. We did the running around, purchasing supplies, and we ended up doing the project for her.

When she gets caught in her lies, I always tell her that I am her to help her and I do help her, but I wont do it for her. I see that her lies are small and means to avoid doing work, but I try to be consistent with checking her work and always letting my expectation be known. Thanks for your advice. This one is a toughie!

TarheelMama202 · January 2015

ohlordy said:

brachysira said:

It seems like at that age, there is often a website or kids are required to write down all their homework assignments in a notebook each day or something. Is there a way for you to just find out what is due? I agree there might be something more to it. Perhaps she is just using this as a way to get some control. Perhaps it is an actual homework difficulty issue. I would not focus on punishing her for lying or punishing her for not doing her work. Instead, be empathetic, work with her teacher to get assignments (find out how students are supposed to keep track at least), and provide support to help her get things done. Whatever is going on will be harder to figure out if she's just being punished and feels isolated and like you won't help. I understand why you restricted supplies, but I think just helping her get through this and providing what you can, even last minute, is a better approach. Especially as the step mom, you want to be a source of support rather than escalating conflict.

At this age, the school provides planners in which they are required to write their assignments, and she does okay with that, but she hides a lot of the project papers she gets. It's been going on since 4th grade and has been getting worse. We were more lenient in 4th and 5th grade with the last minute stuff, but I feel that going on the 3rd year of this is teaching her nothing. We did the running around, purchasing supplies, and we ended up doing the project for her.

When she gets caught in her lies, I always tell her that I am her to help her and I do help her, but I wont do it for her. I see that her lies are small and means to avoid doing work, but I try to be consistent with checking her work and always letting my expectation be known. Thanks for your advice. This one is a toughie!

Okay, so she hides the project papers that she gets? She's not just losing them? Just a clarifying question. How good are the guidance counselors at her school? Is this something you could talk to them about?

ohlordy · January 2015

TarheelMama202 said:

So 6th grade is still elementary school where you live? We always saw a huge breakdown in kids struggling with just doing school in 6th grade where I am, because it is the transition year to middle school here. So many kids are able to squeak by up until 6th grade, and then the idea of being a student gets harder because, well, the work gets a lot harder! Just to let you know that from my experience, a lot of other kids the same age as your SD go through similar struggles at this age.

@tarheelmama202 Yeah, her district and even the district I was in both have 6th grade as elementary. The school district I was just working in has 6th as middle school. Im not sure why the difference just 30-mins away, but that's how it is.

I recall being her age and trying to pull the same thing with my parents, but my mom had a different, louder approach to dealing with it. Everyone has their own ways and she definitely got my ass into gear with her methods, but that's not me and I want to try different approaches.

She does have a planner and I like that idea of the teacher initialing what she writes so there is some sort of accountability while at school. Thank you so much!

ohlordy · January 2015

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think I am going to bring that up to DH (and he mentions to EXW) to see about getting her tested or see what her teacher has to say. It works best if I just bring things to him and the two of them hash it out and make the decisions.

I thought about everything a lot the past few days and I have realized that since DH and his EXW have been communicating a lot more, the lies to both of them (and me) have been pretty consistent. Before, SD was able to scoot by with telling her one story and telling us another.

These dynamics are ever-changing as the SDs get older and its just sticky sometimes.

I really appreciate the thoughtful answers and support form everyone. Sorry I wasn't able to respond to err'body, but I really thank you!!!!

Want a personalized experience?

Disciplining SD - Ideas needed?

Re: Disciplining SD - Ideas needed?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards