small novel re: part-time/full-time, #kids, school

Re: small novel re: part-time/full-time, #kids, school

• ppants member

  January 2015

  I was the primary breadwinner for several years.  DH's law practice took off thankfully.  I worked FT (36 hrs/wk) until the kids were to K.  I convinced DH that I could work PT (27 hrs/wk) and that I'd get the kids to school and home from school.  My mom was a SAHM so the thought of them having to go somewhere after school made me very sad.

  DH works 50-60 hrs/wk.  When I was working FT and with two kids by myself in the evenings, it was overwhelming many days.  I *love* working PT.  I still make good money (around 65K), and I get to be home with my kids everyday after school.  This allows for down time for all of us before delving into homework, dinner, activities, etc.

  I'm very happy with our public school so I don't have much input there.  Have you actually toured the schools?  Talked to families that attend them?  It would be tough for us to afford that type of tuition if I only worked PT.

  Wendy Twins 1/27/06. DS and DD

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• potbellypig member

  January 2015

  ppants said:

  I'm very happy with our public school so I don't have much input there.  Have you actually toured the schools?  Talked to families that attend them?  It would be tough for us to afford that type of tuition if I only worked PT.

  No I haven't toured the schools. I think I may have to compromise on the school issue as DH and my beliefs differ and he's pretty adamant about not wanting kids to learn Christianity and facts in the same place (as previously mentioned he's an Atheist). Our public school is not terrible, but IMO not as good as the private one.
  

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• Mustardseed2007 member

  January 2015

  I really don't know where to begin advising you, this is all so personal. A few thoughts that occur to me, but don't exactly answer your question:

  1) It's hard for me to imagine going part time when you make 30k more than your h. It makes me wonder what his career prospects are vs yours in the future. There is a larger than that spread between me and my h and if either one of us went pt or quit it would be him bc he makes less and won't ever catch up to my income just bc of what his career is. Is your h interested in this? 

  
  

  2) if he's actually atheist and not just agnostic is he really ever going to be on board with religious private school no matter what the circumstances? Perhaps you should consider a private school without religious affiliation. 

  
  

  3) is his only objection to 4 financial? I admit I am done after 2, but my objection to 3 is not financial at all. 

  
  

  4) I'd probably work full time forever, but I like my job. Is there another job or another firm you could move to that you would like better. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

   

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• djm31012 member

  January 2015

  I guess I am confused why this decision needs to be made now. First, you are pregnant with your 3rd child. You have no idea what this child will be like / what your delivery will be like/if you will even want a 4th after this. Coupled with the fact that you may not even be able to conceive a 4th, so that could be a moot point. One thing at a time on the kid front.
  
  You and your DH first need to get into agreement on schools and your work schedule. Thats something only you 2 can figure out. If your DH isnt on board with you working part time, you will be miserable and have a miserable marriage even if you are working less hours, so something needs to happen there. As far as working full time forever? You cant make a decision forever. What works today might not work 1 year, 5 years, 10 years down the line, so get forever out of your head...its a waste of time.
  
  What I would do is have my 3rd child, go part time because my DH would be on board (I would only consider going part time if we were financially comfortable, which is sounds like you are..and if thats the case, my DH would be fine with it). As far as schools, we purposely bought in a town with very good public schools. I plan to send my kids to public school even though I always went to private. If high school comes and they want to go to one of the private schools which are pretty popular where we live, then we will make every accomodation to make that possible. But public school will always be a viable option. I would never live in an area with a bad school district, especially if my husband werent in agreement with using private schools. Again, you have bigger fish to fry in my opinion before you can talk about having a 4th child.

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• potbellypig member

  January 2015

  Mustardseed2007 said:

  I really don't know where to begin advising you, this is all so personal. A few thoughts that occur to me, but don't exactly answer your question:

  1) It's hard for me to imagine going part time when you make 30k more than your h. It makes me wonder what his career prospects are vs yours in the future. There is a larger than that spread between me and my h and if either one of us went pt or quit it would be him bc he makes less and won't ever catch up to my income just bc of what his career is. Is your h interested in this? I'm at my max earning potential. I get paid well out of the gate but no salary increases in my field. DH will eventually make more.

  
  

  2) if he's actually atheist and not just agnostic is he really ever going to be on board with religious private school no matter what the circumstances? Perhaps you should consider a private school without religious affiliation. There is only 1 private school here. I doubt he'll ever be on board, unless it means I'm willing to keep working full-time.

  
  

  3) is his only objection to 4 financial? I admit I am done after 2, but my objection to 3 is not financial at all. No it's not financial. Unlike me he doesn't want to decide on 4 so soon. I can't imagine being done at 3.

  
  

  4) I'd probably work full time forever, but I like my job. Is there another job or another firm you could move to that you would like better. My job is similar everywhere, I'd prefer part-time in the private sector (drug store pharmacy) than full-time for the government.

  
  

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• potbellypig member

  January 2015

  djm31012 said:

  I guess I am confused why this decision needs to be made now. 

  I always like to have everything planned out. It's part of my personality and not liking the unknown.

  Thanks for your response though, helps put things into perspective.
  

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• *sparky* member

  January 2015

  I am with mustardseed on this one.  Also, it sounds like you and your DH are at odds on some key elements of your lifestyle and the most important thing is that you guys figure out how to get on the same page. 

  My DS goes to Catholic school but we are Catholic.  I would not send him there if we were not at least actively practicing Christians of some denomination because religion is a part of their day from start to finish.  Morning announcements end with prayers, they say the Hail Mary every day at lunch, they go to Mass every week, they have religion class every day.  I went to an Episcopalean school and it was similar - started the day with prayers every day, had Chapel once a week, etc.

  I work PT but my DH is fully on board with it.  I also agree with mustard seed that it doesn't usually make sense for the spouse who his making more money to be the one to go PT unless your DH's future career potential can offset the salary you will be losing.

  Finally, if you have aspirations of putting four kids through private school (and can find a non-religious one to send them to) what are your plans for funding their college educations?  Because sending four kids to college will be pretty expensive and if you are cutting back on your income will you still be able to do that?  Again, I am just assuming that if education is important enough to you that you want your kids to go to private school even if it is against your DH's religious beliefs (or lack thereof), then you will want them to go to college.

  As I have said I work PT and send my child to a religious private school, so of course if I were choosing what to do that is what I would choose.  But in your situation that may not be the right course of action if you and your DH do not agree on it.

   

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• djm31012 member

  January 2015

  potbellypig said:

  djm31012 said:

  I guess I am confused why this decision needs to be made now. 

  I always like to have everything planned out. It's part of my personality and not liking the unknown.

  Thanks for your response though, helps put things into perspective.
  

  I totally hear you...I am Type A and a planner as well. For DH, hes done at 2 kids. I would like 3. But right now I am pregnant with #2 so before I really push it, I need to see how this goes first!
  
  And I think like PP said, you and your DH need to just hash out some lifestyle decisions first. You want and need him to partner on the working thing...
  

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• jlaOK member

  January 2015

  I don't think it's quite as simple as your 3 options state.  Here are some of my questions/concerns:
  
  1)  If going PT is something that you want to do and that your family can handle financially then your husband needs to support this decision unless he can find a truly viable reason for why it can't happen.
  
  2)  If your husband is really against the religious aspect of the private school then you must respect that and find a different school that you both are happy with.  But, it does sound suspicious that he can overlook the religion if you work full-time.  Is it a religion thing or a money thing?
  
  If it's really as simple as the 3 items up for discussion 1) working PT vs FT 2) having 3 kids vs 4 kids 4) private vs public school, then I'd totally compromise on the school.  That's the only one that doesn't have an emotional component.  Surely you can find a public school that you can be happy with.
  

  

                                                

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• potbellypig member

  January 2015

  jlaOK said:

  I don't think it's quite as simple as your 3 options state.  Here are some of my questions/concerns:
  
  1)  If going PT is something that you want to do and that your family can handle financially then your husband needs to support this decision unless he can find a truly viable reason for why it can't happen. Agreed.
  
  2)  If your husband is really against the religious aspect of the private school then you must respect that and find a different school that you both are happy with.  But, it does sound suspicious that he can overlook the religion if you work full-time.  Is it a religion thing or a money thing? DH and I need to discuss this more. He's opposed, but he does see the benefits in terms of smaller class sizes, less kids with issues, more support for kids with issues, school's ability to discipline etc. He think Jesus is a joke and doesn't see learning about religion as fact as a good thing.
  
  If it's really as simple as the 3 items up for discussion 1) working PT vs FT 2) having 3 kids vs 4 kids 4) private vs public school, then I'd totally compromise on the school.  That's the only one that doesn't have an emotional component.  Surely you can find a public school that you can be happy with. Probably yes. I think I'll go to a few kindergarten info nights this year just to get a feel for the schools, then I have a full year to think about it before sending DD to schools.
  

  
  

  jlaOK said:

  I don't think it's quite as simple as your 3 options state.  Here are some of my questions/concerns:
  
  1)  If going PT is something that you want to do and that your family can handle financially then your husband needs to support this decision unless he can find a truly viable reason for why it can't happen.
  
  2)  If your husband is really against the religious aspect of the private school then you must respect that and find a different school that you both are happy with.  But, it does sound suspicious that he can overlook the religion if you work full-time.  Is it a religion thing or a money thing?
  
  If it's really as simple as the 3 items up for discussion 1) working PT vs FT 2) having 3 kids vs 4 kids 4) private vs public school, then I'd totally compromise on the school.  That's the only one that doesn't have an emotional component.  Surely you can find a public school that you can be happy with.
  

  
  

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• BabyHope2013 member

  January 2015

  Something to throw out there. 

  
  

  Would you consider moving to another location? Perhaps this would put you in a school district that you feel more comfortable in. Or in a place with other private school options, if that is what you want that are not religiously affiliated. 

  
  

  Second, if I were you, I would look closer into the ratings that the public school has as opposed to the private school option you are looking at. You might be surprised or not surprised to find out how those schools rate by your state. 

  
  

  I do think that you have some time to think about it. And I think that you and your DH need to hear eachother out and make the decision together. If one person ends up not being on board 100%, then I think that it isn't worth it for a marriage to suffer. 

  
  

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• potbellypig member

  January 2015

  Maybe I'll say I'm super against public school, then give him that concession as a compromise for going part time.

  Kind of joking but not really...I think the religious school thing is far more concerning to him than me going part time, and I don't know how much we'd be able to afford to send 4 kids to private school if I was going part time. The public school here isn't terrible by any means and it's walking distance from our house. The high school is huge and seems scary, but I think I'm just being super over protective.

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• DiveFrog member

  January 2015

  potbellypig said:

  jlaOK said:

  I don't think it's quite as simple as your 3 options state.  Here are some of my questions/concerns:
  
  1)  If going PT is something that you want to do and that your family can handle financially then your husband needs to support this decision unless he can find a truly viable reason for why it can't happen. Agreed.
  
  2)  If your husband is really against the religious aspect of the private school then you must respect that and find a different school that you both are happy with.  But, it does sound suspicious that he can overlook the religion if you work full-time.  Is it a religion thing or a money thing? DH and I need to discuss this more. He's opposed, but he does see the benefits in terms of smaller class sizes, less kids with issues, more support for kids with issues, school's ability to discipline etc. He think Jesus is a joke and doesn't see learning about religion as fact as a good thing.
  
  If it's really as simple as the 3 items up for discussion 1) working PT vs FT 2) having 3 kids vs 4 kids 4) private vs public school, then I'd totally compromise on the school.  That's the only one that doesn't have an emotional component.  Surely you can find a public school that you can be happy with. Probably yes. I think I'll go to a few kindergarten info nights this year just to get a feel for the schools, then I have a full year to think about it before sending DD to schools.
  

  
  

  In regards to your response to #2, just a different perspective. My brother attended private catholic schools elementary through HS. Some things to consider. They can often have more difficult kids than public schools. Where do you think a lot of kids that are kicked out of the public schools end up? Also, they often do not have anywhere near the additional support resources that the public school system does. In fact, they often outsource to the public school system. My brother qualified for additional reading/language support and a bus would pick him up at the private school and take him to a public school 2 afternoons a week to get this help. They also frequently don't offer the selection of classes or enrichment activities that a public school does. There are a lot of great private (secular and non-secular) schools. But, there are also a lot of great public schools. Personally, I also hold a strong belief in having my children exposed and taught in an very diverse environment and from my family's experience the catholic school tends to support and nurture a homongenous environment and singular viewpoint. 

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• *sparky* member

  January 2015

  As a parent of a child in Catholic school what DiveFrog has written is 100% accurate when it comes to my DS's school.  It is very middle-of-the-road as far as academics go.  Children who need more help with reading, etc. have to go to a tutor after school on their own time.  Similarly there are really not any advanced classes for more gifted students. 

  One of DS's former classmates had a sensory issue - I cannot call exaclty what it was called but basically if he got overstimulated he would just shut down and sometimes get extremely upset.  The school really could not deal with it and his parents transferred him to the local public school where he is now thriving.

  The private religious school I went to as a child was very different but it was also one of the best schools in the area and now costs $20K a year at the elementary school level. 

   

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• Mustardseed2007 member

  January 2015

  I just want to throw in that I went to a Church of Christ elementary school and it was VERY religious. I think your DH would have a heart attack. We started and ended the day with prayer, sang religious songs while walking in line to everywhere (bathroom, water fountain, recess, PE, chapel, etc.). Religion was an integrated part of the lesson plan on a daily basis (I remember having to retake a test on the 10 plagues of egypt in 1st grade b/c I flunked it the first time), and in science they taught creationism.

  Apart from creationism in science class it was a really good school and our public schools were not safe to go to, but my parents moved so we would be zoned to better public schools and I went through 4th-12th in public school. It was a major culture shock to me to move, but the public school was very good also and I feel like I was very prepared for college/grad school.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

   

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• 2chatter member

  January 2015

  I would yield on the school issue - we are much happier with the experience of public school overall, even if academically I find it less impressive than private school.  And I was very opposed to public school.

  But I think the others have pointed out the wider issues....agreement on religion and family size are bigger than the PT/FT question.  There are too many variables to recommend a path.

  
  

  

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• potbellypig member

  January 2015

  acmedairyprincess said:

  ClaryPax said:

  I read an article once that said: The single best indicator of how well your kids do in school is parental involvement.  Private school/ public school was not statistically relevant.  As long as the school was at least average and safe, with a involved parents they will do well. 
  

  This is how I feel about schools.  Parents need to work with their kids.  A pp mentioned that private schools have limited resources, where a public school may be able to offer more.  Myself, I can't justify spending a lot on private schools when I already pay taxes for decent public schools. 

  One thing that stuck out in your OP is you said how much you saw your family and mom suffer because she worked full time.  Do you feel the same way?  That you would suffer and your family would suffer by working full time?  Lots of moms work full time and don't have issues.  And I'm sure some families with a SAH parent have some of the same issues. 
  

  I think you're putting the cart before the horse.  See how #3 goes while working full time.  You may not even want #4.  I understand wanting to plan ahead, but I think it's too soon to make a decision like that.  But if you did have #4, I could see PT and public school as being the best option. 

  In the tl/dr version of my post I went into this more. My mom was a teacher and was very overwhelmed by working full-time. She has a few other issues I never figured out that are probably depressive in nature, and a thyroid problem which contributed to us being neglected during the school year because she couldn't cope. I have some similar issues (depression) although I have dealt with it, but my fear about working full-time and what it will do to my kids remains. It has a lot more to do with my history than thinking that all FTWM fail at life.

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• potbellypig member

  January 2015

  DH and I talked at length about all of this today (we were both home sick this afternoon. Friggen Christmas flu).

  
  

  We have decided to send the kids to the public school nearby. I looked up the high school courses available in the private school and they were very limited (sciences every second year only) and our kids will have way more options in courses and sports going to the public school. Someone here mentioned that parental involvement and not school determines success, and I found similar articles online. I feel at peace about this although I expect some anxiety about the crowd of kids to remain. In a way, I may have been too naive and trusting of the kids in the private school though. I'm sure they have problematic kids too.

  
  

  After baby 3 I will go down to 3 days a week. DH was totally fine with this especially given that we wouldn't be paying for private school. He will talk to our financial adviser this week so that we can plan for this. That means I'm going balls-to-the-wall with working my full time job and filling in shifts until the end of June, then mat leave, then 3 days a week in November. I'm dreaded the next few months but ready to do it if it means I can go part time more easily next year.

  
  

  Baby 4 remains to be decided, as many of you stated, deciding that now is unwise. We'll see how baby 3 goes. There's space in my heart (and house!) for two more kids, though!

  
  

  Thank you everyone for taking time to respond to this today. I know I am worried way in advance but unknowns like this stress me out and I need to know about the PT/FT thing sooner than later for strategic planning at work, and the school and baby thing tie into that.

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