AW post- baby shower bitch fit

obryana6219 · January 2015

My mom and sister are hosting a baby shower for me and we planned on inviting only family. This include my side and DH's side. Anyways... MIL is throwing a butch fit and wants to have her own shower for "her side" of the family and wants my mom and sister to take care of "their side". The whole reason we wanted to have both sides is because there's only 4 women on my side of the family. It seems a bit silly to throw a shower with 5 women total in attendance.
My DH thinks I'm being dumb for being upset that his mother is forcing my hostesses to pretty much give up on their shower because she wants to throw one. I would love some in-put!

ashleymoral04 · January 2015

I would say that its your shower and if you want it combined then thats how it should be!

gingerbabe · January 2015

Tell your MIL that you only want one shower, and your mom and sister have already offered to host. Would your mom and sister be ok with her being involved at all?

mommacandi · January 2015

sensitivesally said:
Seriously fucking rude to suggest that your mother wouldn't be welcome at ANY shower you have. I would be pissed.

Agreed...MIL sounds like a control freak. Shut that down.

Anjelyk2 · January 2015

@obryana6219‌ - I think you should have a chat with your husband and decide what is best based on what you both want then tell both sides of the family what the decision is. It may be easier said than done but when you set that precedence it will govern how both sides handle things in the future.

Trampslikeus · January 2015

Go the sentimental route - tell your MIL or have your husband tell your MIL - this is something special your mom was REALLY looking forward to doing for years, for HER daughter, and that you feel the same way and really don't want your moms feelings to be hurt. If she wants to help plan part of it, great, but otherwise, butt out. Its really not her place.

KonaCoffeeBean · January 2015

Is it really out of the question for these two grandmothers to work together and throw one shower?

LadySif · January 2015

Etiquette-wise, you shouldn't dictate the terms of your own shower unless you're asked. MIL is breaching etiquette very egregiously in asking you to change the plan after it has been settled. Your mom and sister asked for your input, you gave it, they should act accordingly. Has MIL said anything to THEM about it? If she truly has a bone to pick and the balls to do it, they're who she needs to talk to. If she hasn't, they should go ahead with their plan and if she wants to decline their invitation and/or throw a second shower with her extended family/friends whoever it is she feels slighted she can't invite, then that's her choice. You could, should you choose, take the position with her that it really isn't your matter and it wouldn't be polite to ask the hostesses of your own party to make such a drastic change. I guess that depends on how much you already told her about your role in the decision, but passive-aggressive can work effectively with MILs, especially if you hint that she is being impolite. Just one method, take it or leave it.

That being said, my side did have one separately but that's because my SIL (my brother's wife) and I were both expecting and it would have been inappropriate to invite the respective in-laws/their friends because of obligating them to gifts for both moms by virtue of invitation. But that was an unusual situation. My MIL did offer to have a sip-n-see shower at MY HOUSE a week or two after baby was born - I declined. I was not about to host a damn party, much less a party for myself, at my own house 1-2 weeks post-partum and expose a newborn to that many people and germs. I simply explained I wasn't comfortable exposing baby and had concerns about having my house ready for company, not knowing how delivery would go and my recovery, etc. DH's side ended up doing nothing, a few of them sent gifts but no shower. I ended up being thrown 5 showers total (above and beyond!) so no big deal. You know your family dynamics, do what you need to do.

ETA sorry for the novel.

leenziepops · January 2015

My goodness! Your MIL isn't being very nice at all. The shower is to celebrate you and your entry into motherhood so it should be about who you want to share this moment with. Can she not work with your mum and sister? Or does she want some kind of spotlight on her? Sounds like she's being AW. How annoying for you to deal with this.

marshmallowmadness · January 2015

My experience was my mother doing that separating thing. She refused to attend the same one as my MIL and aunt (who is more of a real mom to me) were throwing and went out of her way to invite all these extended families members whom I didn't even know to "her" baby shower for me. She overdid everything in excess and planned hers for after theirs so she could out-do them. It was ridiculous, but j was 17 and had no say at that point. Looking back, I wish I could have put my foot down and told my mom to stop being a little bitch, suck it up and plan a joint shower.

Btw my parents still refuse to acknowledge my mil and fil whenever they see them around town.

housewifebecomesher · January 2015

sensitivesally said:
Seriously fucking rude to suggest that your mother wouldn't be welcome at ANY shower you have. I would be pissed.

I 100% agree with this, but to play devil's advocate...we had two wedding receptions because we are from two different states, and MIL could not stand that some people wouldn't travel to our actual wedding in my home state. And I was super annoyed about it, but it ended up turning out okay. I guess what I'm saying is, decide if it's really that big of a deal to you to have two showers. It could actually mean two nice celebrations, more time with each of your guests, and hey, more free stuff for your kid.

If your mom is the only female on your side, maybe she hosts or attends the shower with your friends. Just a thought. My mom is the only one on my side so we did a sip and see after DD was born.

No matter what, your mother should be on the invite list for MIL's shower. Period.

obryana6219 · January 2015

I'm not upset about having two showers. I'm very grateful to have these two women who each want to throw me a shower. My MIL acted offended when she heard that my mom and sister were throwing one because she had planned on it but had never said anything.

We planned on having people from both sides there in order to have "enough" people there to have a shower. But when I talked to my MIL last night to tell her that she should talk to my mom because her shower was planned already, that's when she started in with the "my side" and "your side" bull shit.

My mom was offering to co-host the party with my MIL and change some of the things that she had planned because nothing was set in stone. That's why I'm upset. My MIL didn't even want to talk to my mom about anything, she just decided that apparently people from both sides of the family cannot go to the same shower because she didn't plan said shower.

And thank you for all of your support ladies. It's so annoying when DH tells me I'm being unreasonable because of hormones. I'm like "Uh no. Your mother is BSC."

thay33 · January 2015

My mother in law is the EXACT same way, every time I've seen her she's said "soo you're still only having one shower?" And I always say YES SERIOUSLY DROP IT! (She gets on my last pregnant nerve all the time) I refuse to back down & I think you need to do the same.

SJ1604 · January 2015

When I first found out I was pregnant I told my mom and god mother (the two people hosting) that I wanted ONE shower. I am excited to have a shower but at the same time it's a lot going on when your already in that exhausted stage of pregnancy lol. My mom suggested having one for friends and one for family but I didn't want it that way and they understood. I have a LOT of family and family friends and the shower list is up to 46 people so far and I know that's not everyone...it will probably be closer to 50+ when the list is done but I would rather have one big party with everyone then do two seperate ones...so I totally support your choice to do one shower and if I we're in your situation I would put my foot down!

NirvanaGreen · January 2015

I would just let them throw two showers. More cake for me.

GASuzuki · January 2015

I get why you'd be frustrated, but I agree that having two showers would allow you to spend more time with each side of the family. My MIL is the sweeter of ou parents and my mom throws her own bitch fit when she thinks I'm giving my MIL more attention. I would rather keep it separate so there's no competition. Just another way of looking at it, I guess.

kcave21 · January 2015

it is your shower..your MIL is being extremely childish!!! Have it together!

Katerina&Baby · January 2015

I understand why this is bugging you but honestly, I think your MIL may feel that by your mom throwing you a shower with MIL's relatives, that MIL won't be able to throw you one (since you really can't ask people to attend two showers for the same child). I think it would be easier for your mom to just let MIL have her own shower and not have to share planning (it doesnt sound like either of them want to co-host and forcing them to will take the fun out of it for both of them). I get that your side is really small for women but do you have any close friends that you would want to attend? You can beef up the guest list that way. The shower I hosted for my sister only ended up being 10 people (a lot of the guest list wasn't able to come for various legitimate reasons) and it was really lovely and I think she enjoyed being able to spend real time with the people that came (as opposed to just a quick hello).

mcp6286 · January 2015

This is a big part of why I refused to let either my mom or MIL touch my shower plans with a 10 ft pole. When we announced our pregnancy and the questions started, I told them both right away that BFF was throwing one shower and that they were welcome to contact her if they wanted to contribute funding. They are both difficult in their own ways and neither would care what I want/like...they'd just do what they want. My mom has already started bitching that I won't invite random friends of hers that I haven't spoken to since high school. Luckily BFF is a strong personality and has declared that nothing will happen at this shower that I don't want. She's actually joking about hiring security at the venue to ward off whatever shit Mom/MIL pull the day of the shower.

However, if you're someone who is close with your mom and wants her involved, I personally would refuse to attend a shower at which she is not also invited/welcomed. And I'd tell DH he better get his butt on my side right quick and tell his mother to back off.

BabyList · January 2015

I think your mil is being stupid. It's not her baby or her shower, it's yours. If she wants to help, she should contact your hostesses and ask what she can do to help. It is stupid to have two showers if there will only be 5 people at one.

Schnurette · January 2015

Okay so I only partially agree with everyone on here. It's not "your shower". These people are throwing you a party and as far as I'm concerned you don't get final say as to how that goes.

That said, I find it odd that your MIL wouldn't just invite your side of the family if it is that small (and only family). When I got married I had two bridal showers, one by DH's family and one by mine, and the actual family members (grandmother / mother / sisters) were invited to both showers along with my closest friends. I thought that was "standard" and would probably point that out to your husband...and then force him to discuss this with his mother. Maybe also suggest that if she is really hard core about doing something herself she could host a "meet the baby" party after baby is born - no gifts, just a way of thanking everyone who gave gifts before baby was born and to have them all meet the baby they gave things to.

My SILs (read: MIL) hosted my baby shower and MIL had suggested that they try to have both sides at one rather than doing two. My mother became a huge pain in the ass, refusing to commit to anything, even having the shower together, because she thought one of my aunts should step up and offer to host - it wasn't happening but she refused to agree to anything else. It finally got to the point that I told my MIL to just go ahead and plan whatever she wanted and my mother could go suck eggs. It ended up working out but only because I finally spoke to my dad and said my mother needed to call MIL back and plan the stupid thing or I was going to tell her to just go ahead without her.

effthisnoise · January 2015

I once attended a small baby shower for a family friend who had no family in this country and no friends outside my extended family because she and her husband had only been in the country a short time. I think there were eight of us along with the mother-to-be and it was still really fun and she felt really celebrated. If it turns out that you're going to have the two showers and the one with your side is small, it can still be just as meaningful.

Good luck. And talk to your husband about him getting on board with dealing with his mom. She sounds like a treat.

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