DH and I had a long talk about this ....but I'm having a hard time letting go of my feelings of anger and resentment. I know he loves me and didn't mean to hurt me. But somehow that doesn't really matter to my (maybe somewhat irrational) IF brain.
We have quite a few trips coming up in the next few months (which is exciting). Going to Austin during MLK weekend for a reunion with DH's cousins. Vegas for Superbowl weekend with DH's college BFF. And Maui for president's day/Valentine's day weekend with DH. I was the most excited about this last one. I've been to Maui with DH once before and loved it. Really excited about going back. After a tough year in 2014 I liked the idea of taking a romantic trip with DH and I. I've been telling DH that my motivation for trying to get in better shape (other than improving my health) is to look good in my swimsuit in Maui.

Earlier today after returning from brunch at a friend's place, DH comes downstairs and said "Woo hoo!! Double date in Maui with K & R!!" K is DH's good friend from college and R is his wife. They have a 2 month old daughter. DH excitedly told me that K accepted his invitation for him and R to join us in Maui. I was instantly annoyed. DH noticed and asked if I was upset. He said because they would be moving to Boston soon for her job, this would be the perfect opportunity to hang out with them before he only gets to see K "once every 2-3 years". He said "The more the merrier, right?" I asked if they'd be bringing the baby. He said of course they would be. As you can imagine, the conversation took a very bad turn after this.
I burst into tears and told him I didn't want to spend time with a baby during my vacation with him. That I felt very blindsided by this. He just seemed so confused and at such a loss as to what he did wrong. He insists that when we saw them last month in LA (where they now live) and he told them that they should join us in Maui that I was part of the conversation. And that I agreed they should come. I have no recollection of this and don't think it ever happened. He said "More than half our friends have kids! So what .... are we supposed to just avoid all social plans where kids will be? And just isolate ourselves?!" He continued to defend himself. He said I should understand where he was coming from .... that one of his closest friends would be moving across the country soon and he just wanted to spend some time with him before then. I explained that I was capable of sucking it up most of the time and spending time with our friends and their kids when the occasion called for it. But this (him inviting them on OUR vacation) I wasn't expecting. Once he saw how bothered I was he softened and said we didn't have to hang out with them the whole trip. "Just a couple nights." Umm ....we're there for 3 nights!! And (I told him) if I now stood in the way of him spending time with his friend on (what would now be) a couples trip, I would feel like a complete bitch. It's just become this no win situation.
This did lead us into a bigger conversation about how we feel. DH feels I don't communicate in terms of my IF related feelings. How was he to know that this would bother me? This frustrated me because I have cried in his arms several times in the last few months after spending a lot of time around children. And expressed my feelings pretty clearly in those moments ... at least I thought I did. So now it's crazy to me that DH seems completely baffled by how distraught I am over this! He was very apologetic and said that he wanted to get better at addressing my IF related feelings. But at the same time he kept saying very UN-helpful things like "This whole thing is just a process that we need to get through. We can't expect it to just happen overnight." And reminding me of all the advantages of NOT having kids right now (vacations, more time to ourselves, etc). I told him I was so tired of trying to convince myself of all those "advantages". I've traveled plenty and had more than enough time to myself. I'm almost 35 and I've been TTC for 2 years. I want my baby.
I think we made some progress but we have a long way to go. It's just frustrating that we're at this point and DH doesn't get how/why being around children can be upsetting to me. No, it's not because I hate children. I actually love them and that's why it hurts to be around them. I think he kinda gets it ....but not completely because he doesn't feel the pain. His attitude is more "Let's appreciate what we do have and not dwell on what we don't." Which I do generally agree with. But it's so hard for DH to understand how IF makes my feelings more complicated than that.
DH really wants to understand me better which I appreciate. I ordered him that book "What to expect when she's not expecting." I hope it will be helpful. But in the meantime I'm having a hard time letting go of my feelings of resentment towards DH for inviting the couple and their baby to join us in Maui. I feel like it's completely deflated my excited feelings about the vacation.

Ugh. Thanks for listening ladies.
Edited to include some pertinent details and add baby warning
**Formerly EastBayBride508**
Me 34 Him 33
Me - Left salpingo-oophorectomy at 19 due to large cyst/torsion and 2 large uterine fibroids found at age 30
Him - Borderline low sperm count (correcting through Fertility Blend supplement)
Married 8/20/2011
TTC #1 since Jan 2013
First appointment with RE 10/2013.
April 2014 - Clomid 100mg CD3-7. HCG shot CD10 IUI #1 done on 4/12/14 (CD12) ....BFN
May 2014 - Break cycle to repeat saline sonogram and re-group. Travel to Kauai 5/7-5/12 (Yay!!)
June 2014 - Clomid 150mg CD4-8. HCG shot CD14. IUI#2 done on 6/9 and 6/10 (CD15-16) w/ Prometrium suppositories during TWW .... BFN
July 2014 - Clomid 150mg CD3-7. Ultrasound CD12 - 4 mature follies! HCG trigger shot CD12 AM. IUI#3 on CD13 w/ Prometrium suppositories during TWW ....BFN
July 2014 - Repeat ultrasound done to measure size of fibroid - 8x9cm (the size of a grapefruit!) Surgery referral made.
August 2014 - MRI done which revealed 2 fibroids: a 13x15cm fibroid as well as an 8x7cm one. Super freak out mode over surgery plan. OB-GYN/surgeon said surgery would most likely have to be a laparotomy (open abdominal surgery)
August 2014 - After a 2nd opinion, plan to take Lupron x 2 months to shrink fibroids then laparoscopic/robotic myomectomy. Surgery date is set for Nov 21st!
November 2014 - Robotic myomectomy done (2 large fibroids removed, mild endo found). Benched x 3 months
PAIF/SAIF welcome
Re: AW: Upset with DH (Sorry ...Long) **Baby and children mentioned**
It seems like this has really opened the door for you guys to have a real conversation about how IF is affecting your life. Great idea ordering the book. ((Hugs))
Me 34 Him 33
May 2014 - Break cycle to repeat saline sonogram and re-group. Travel to Kauai 5/7-5/12 (Yay!!)
On the bright side, it seems like it opened up a good conversation for you and YH. Me and Mr. Handlebar have been there many times, and he is just recently starting to get it. We don't have an issue so much around being with kids because most of our friends don't have them, but he sometimes doesn't quite get why I am sad or angry. I really hope the book helps. Maybe you should let him know that he needs to do something, like plan a romantic date night, to show that he understands and cares? I am sorry and send you the biggest of hugs
TTC since May 2013
Me: 31, blocked tube
DH: 35, azoospermia
IUI #1 (50 mg Clomid, Ovidrel) on 9/7/2014: BFN
IUI #2 (100 mg Clomid, Ovidrel) on 10/3/2014: BFN
IUI #3 (100 mg Clomid, Ovidrel, Estradiol) on 11/1/2014: BFN
First RE appt. on 11/11/2014
November 2014: Benched due to cyst
IUI #4 (5 mg Letrozole, Follistim, Ovidrel, Crinone) on 12/26/2014: BFP!!!
Beta 1 (1/9/2015): 292 Beta 2 (1/12/2015): 843
Sorry! This sounds like a truly sucky situation.
I would honestly (and maybe this makes me a Biotch) but I would have DH cancel. He could just call his buddy and say hey I know I invited you along but turns out this was supposed to be a romantic Valentines Day trip and I kind of missed the memo. My wife is really heartbroken. Can we plan another weekend together some time before you move?
I would think man to man they could understand that?
I can't give any better advice than @BunnyBerry cause she knows all the things!
I will say that I don't think you overreacted as I would totally flip if MH invited people on our romantic weekend. {{HUGS}}
As for your conversation with your husband, I can understand how you don't feel that he gets where you're coming from. I think it speaks to a big difference between men and women and I can certainly relate to you here! (I'm speaking in generalities here now) Women often seek to be validated (read: understood) and men often seek to fix. This is a situation he can't fix for you so he is trying to reframe it for you. If that isn't helpful, you can help him help you by saying, "I don't need you to say anything right now. I just need someone to listen and hug me. I appreciate you trying to reframe this, but that is really not helpful right now." If the compromise Bunny suggested sounds good, talk to him about it and ask him to really stick to it. No impromptu double dates.
I really hope this whole thing doesn't ruin your trip! Surely you and your husband can find a way to make it all work and find a way to support each other better. HUGS!!
Me: 28 MH:35
Married September 2012. TTC since September 2013
June 2014 - Dx w/ significant PCOS and referred to RE.
July/August 2014 - Testing complete: Testosterone & AMH very high, FSH slightly high, Vitamin D low, tubes and lining all lovely. DH SA: A+
Cycle 1 (Nov 2014): 2.5 mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI = BFN
Cycle 2 (Dec 2014): 5 mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI - BFN
Cycle 3 (Jan 2015): 5mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI - BFN
WTF consult scheduled for 1/29
I like the idea of your DH and his friend having some alone time, maybe you can get a massage (if you like them) while they are hanging out.
TTC since 10/2010 (Rhythm method since 2007)
September 2014 DX Hashimoto's; November 2014: PCOS IR
***
DH (37) Sept 2012 SA Normal; October 2014 Mild MFI count 42 Million, Motility 36%, Morphology 2%. Clomid 50mg,
2004 Cyrosurgery, LEEP
July 2012 - October 2012 - Clomid 50mg W/ TI & Progesterone 3 mature follicles- BFN
January 2013 IUI #1 (900,000 post wash) Clomid 50mg, TI & Progesterone 2 mature follicles - BFN
February 2013 IUI #2 (1.3 Mil post wash) Clomid 50mg, TI & Progesterone 4 mature follicles - BFN
March 2013 IUI #1-3 (2.5 mil post wash) Clomid 50mg, Baby Aspirin (lining thinned) TI & Progesterone - 2 mature follicles BFN
April 2013 Benched due to cyst, May 2013 WTF appointment
June 2013 DH SA mild MFI break for 2 months to re-test; August 2013 - DH SA 36 Mil count, 36% Motility, Morp 2%
September - December 2013 - Mental sanity Break
January 2014 - IUI #4 switches to natural due to scheduling conflict Femara TI & Progesterone - 1 mature follicle - BFN
May 2014-June 2014 - DH Appointment w/ Urologist to check Bi-lateral Varicocele; 2nd opinion w/ another urologist - bi-lateral varicocele dx is slight no surgery
July 2014 DH starts clomid 25mg daily SA 53.8 Mil count, Motility 37%, Morph 3%;
September 2014 DH Repeat SA after being on clomid for 3 months 42 Mil Count, Motility 36%, Morph 2%
October 2014 Me: Hashimoto's DX, DH taken off clomid;November 2014 Me: new RE PCOS IR Diagnosis
December 2014: IUI #4 Follitism 75iu 7 days, TI, IUI & Progesterone, BFMFN
January 2015: IUI #5 Gonal-F 75iu 7 days, TI, IUI & Progesterone, Another BFMFN onto IUI #6
PCOS | Anovulatory | Metformin + Letrozole
First of all, I am so sorry you're dealing with this, and no you most definitely did not overreact.
I agree with posters who've said they'd be upset regardless of the situation with the baby. You guys planned a romantic trip - it's strange to assume it's ok to invite friends to come along. Even if you guys had one casual conversation about it while all hanging out, which I'm not saying happened (DH imagine conversations between us all the time) it still would have been worthy of a more private, indepth conversation between just the two of you before acting. I think @w+c3 had a pretty good suggestion of how to gracefull get out of it if you want to push it that far.
I'm sorry again, (HUGS)!
Husband: 26 SA: normal
Me: 23 Low AMH and damaged ovaries due to chemotherapy.
No AF or O in 3 years. HSG showed a slight T shaped uterus.
High Risk OB 9/29- got the ok to get pregnant.
RE Appt: 10/28/ U/S showed follicles, but also small damaged ovaries.
B/W results CD0: all normal except low AMH at 1.3
Cycle 1-November (TI)- Femera 2.5mg, 2mg Estradoil, and Trigger=BFN
Cycle 2-December (TI)- Femera 2.5 mg ,4mg Estradoil, and Trigger= No O
Cycle 3-January (TI)- Femera 5 mg, 2mg Estradoil, and Trigger=
Me 34 Him 33
May 2014 - Break cycle to repeat saline sonogram and re-group. Travel to Kauai 5/7-5/12 (Yay!!)
Me 34 Him 33
May 2014 - Break cycle to repeat saline sonogram and re-group. Travel to Kauai 5/7-5/12 (Yay!!)
If yh is anything like mh I can totally relate to the constant reminders that it's not always greener on the other side. What makes that so frustrating though is when you know what sacrifices you'd be making to be on the other side and are not only ready but willing to make them. People, especially your partner, don't always need to remind of that.
You are completely justified on your feelings for this and hopefully something else can be arranged for yh to see his friend without completely crashing your vacation.
P.s. It's not considered a double date when one couple is bringing a baby along.
That sucks. A lot. I'd be pissed, and as the wife, if my husband was like, "Guess what?! We are going on vacation with my friends!" I would want to call and check and make triple sure that we weren't going to intrude because men sometimes suck at making plans and thinking this shit through.
Personally, I would explain to your husband that baby or no, you need this vacation for some reconnection as a couple after all this IF nonsense. I ended up inviting friends on our IF-prompted vacation and while we had fun, I could have used a more romantic and sex-focused trip to be honest. I would try to see if your husband can call and change plans, maybe he can go away another weekend on a guys only thing to spend some quality time with this friend before he moves. But it shouldn't come at the expense of your quality time as a couple!
Big hugs! Yours isn't the first husband to make a stupid decision like this, probably with the best of intentions. Just work to figure out how to explain why it stings. When my DH isn't understanding my point, I will write him a letter - it helps me flesh out my perspective a bit more clearly, and doesn't give him the change to interrupt and get defensive.
Off birth control March 2012 - Actively trying Sept 2012-April 2014
BFP on May 5th after Follistim & IUI #3
PPs have given you some truly great support and advice. I don't have anything else to add other than to reiterate that your feelings are completely and totally valid! And that maybe this is a good opportunity for you and YH to continue to discuss how to handle situations like these. Honestly, if it were me, I would pretty much be demanding that he cancel the invitation because I wouldn't have it in me to avoid them if they did come along for the trip, and I would know that hanging out with them and their baby for 3 days would be borderline miserable. If necessary, I would do what @BunnyBerry said and talk to the friend or his wife and just be really honest but also nice and respectful, so that hopefully their feelings aren't hurt over it.
I'm so sorry that this is happening, and I hope you and YH are able to come up with a reasonable solution! Sending you lots of hugs.
Me: 27 DH: 35
TTC #1 Since July 2013
Started RE Testing July 2014
2 HSG tests: Right tube is blocked, possible endo.
TSH elevated, started Synthroid 25 mg daily.
October, 2014: Femara 5 mg + TI ---> 3 follies on blocked tube side ---> BFN
November, 2014: Femara + Ovidrel + IUI#1--2 follies (on the good side), 46 mil. motile sperm=BFN
Nov-Dec 2014: Femara + Ovidrel + IUI #2 (1 follie, 76 mil. motile sperm) + Endometrin=BFN
January, 2014: Femara + Ovidrel + IUI #3 (1 follie, 38 mil. motile sperm)=???
New RE appt. scheduled for 1/14.
3T January Siggy Challenge: New Years Resolutions
Mine: Lose the weight I put on from booze and cookies over Christmas.
My Ovulation Chart
Me 34 Him 33
May 2014 - Break cycle to repeat saline sonogram and re-group. Travel to Kauai 5/7-5/12 (Yay!!)
Full disclosure: I think IF-related depression and maybe some anxiety is causing me to wallow in these feelings more than I should today. DH's actions definitely were a trigger but I think my response to it is a bit unhealthy. I know I really should seek therapy and maybe then I'll cope better with all this. I've been in bed most of the day eating out of a bag of chips and watching Netflix on my day off. No desire to do anything else healthy or productive. And @laurensc927 (my thoughtful elf) included a mini wine bottle in my package which I stashed in my nightstand ....thanks Lauren! Didn't even have to leave my room and have everything I need.
Me 34 Him 33
May 2014 - Break cycle to repeat saline sonogram and re-group. Travel to Kauai 5/7-5/12 (Yay!!)
Okay I'll step off my soapbox.
Me 34 Him 33
May 2014 - Break cycle to repeat saline sonogram and re-group. Travel to Kauai 5/7-5/12 (Yay!!)
Come on Amazon - waiting on that book (What to expect when she's not ...)
Me 34 Him 33
May 2014 - Break cycle to repeat saline sonogram and re-group. Travel to Kauai 5/7-5/12 (Yay!!)