I need a swift kick in the balls.

kstirton · January 2015

I am being an asshole to my husband and I know I need to stop. He is SO helpful with LO, so much that it's a fault at times I think. When he get's home from work I seem to be in a pretty good mood, ready to make dinner, LO has had her afternoon snack, and usually DH will kind of take the reigns with her while I get some things done around the house. But then, her fussing starts. And with her fussing, come my directions... he doesn't switch positions with her, or rock her the right way, or he's too loud when he talks to her, Yep, the list goes on and on and I feel like a really shitty wife at the moment. He's supposed to be taking off 7 weeks with her when I go back to work, and tonight he said that maybe he should just cancel the whole thing and that she can go straight to day care - that he won't ever be able to do to it to my standards.

Seriously I feel bad and this isn't something that just started over night - why am I having such a hard time stopping?! I do NOT want our child putting this much strain on our relationship and the worst part is that I'm bringing it all on myself. Random - but the other day I watched Spanglish, with Adam Sandler, and I totally reminded myself of the tight wad wife who everyone hates to be around. I KNOW I need to take a chill pill. Looking for some tough love here from my November mama's. Do you guys tend to do everything with it comes to LO to avoid it being done the "wrong way" or gladly share duties with those willing to help? Any tips from the STM's who's marriages have survived??

@-)

kstirton · January 2015

I'm sorry to hear you are going through something similar, but it does make me feel a little better knowing that I'm not totally alone in this. It's hard sharing such a HUGE responsibility, although I literally can't imagine doing this on my own and give major props to those that have no choice. I def think your going somewhere w/ focusing on the positive!

crizz13 · January 2015

I've learned to just bite my tongue in the moment. He's doing the best he can. If it's something that really does need changing, then I'll mention it to him later. If it's just me being controlling, I try to let it go.

ssstephanie214 · January 2015

I agree with @crizz13‌ (oops you and @bloomraiser both have purple flower pictures), as long as the baby is safe I won't step in or correct my fiance. I let him make his own mistakes. It's not his fault I spend more time with her so I know her better. He needs his time to learn her ways.

lizzielu82 · January 2015

I've caught myself doing this and the best thing you can do is walk away. Go take a shower or do something where you'll be removed for at least a few minutes.

What I found is that yes, my husband struggled and didn't do things how I would have done them. But in time, he figured out his own way to handle LO, and it now works really well.

The best way to learn new things is by doing them and that's what DH needed. He's even taught me a thing or two at this point.

Good luck - the fact that you've recognized this is great!

klbyrnes · January 2015

Thank you for starting this thread. I'll kick you in the balls and you can kick me back and maybe it will help us turn over a nicer leaf.

I find myself cycling between telling my DH how great he is, how much I love and appreciate him, and how glad I am we started a family. Then the next thing you know (usually when I'm in the throws of a sleep deprivation fit) I'm complaining about everything single he does (because he does it wrong - of course - whether it be baby related or general household screw ups) or I'm complaining about everything he has NOT done bc he's "lazy" and "stupid". This includes things I have asked him to do and he hasn't AND things I think he should see and know need to be done (like duh can't you just see the floor should be vacuumed?) Then I'm in tears 30 minutes later crying on his shoulder apologizing for being the worst wife ever and saying I'm a horrible bitch who doesn't deserve him and that he should leave me.

I'm trying to tell myself this will get better when LO is older (just 6w 5d right now) and we hit a groove meaning I'm getting more rest. But I still feel tremendous guilt for my behavior. Venting here helps and knowing I'm not the only one going through it makes a big difference too. Maybe this is a good New Years resolution- be more patient and kind and loving to my DH.

Advice wise- I physically remove myself when DH has LO and he's crying. I go downstairs or get in the shower or go out for the mail. Buttttt that only lasts so long. I can't stand hearing my baby cry so eventually i HAVE to step in.

AnnieRoo13 · January 2015

I'll agree with @lizzielu82‌ on this one. As long as LO is safe, just walk away and let him figure it out.

I had the advantage of seeing a friend do this before LO was born. She wouldn't leave her baby with her fiancé because she thought he couldn't do the way she could. In reality he did a fine job and the only one who suffered was her.

I have vowed to let DH do whatever he wanted with LO without interfering. He always seems to figure it out even if it's not how I would have done it. Shockingly sometimes he does it better! I leave LO with him when I go to the grocery store so that I don't have to hover around him and see what he's doing. He always has some great story when I come back and he's always so proud that he got LO to sleep or to smile or whatever.

Start small. Let DH handle LO while you have a bath or go for a walk. He'll do better than you think. You don't want your relationship with each other or his relationship with LO to suffer because you felt you could do it better, do you?

Snuffy007 · January 2015

lizzielu82 said:
I've caught myself doing this and the best thing you can do is walk away. Go take a shower or do something where you'll be removed for at least a few minutes.

What I found is that yes, my husband struggled and didn't do things how I would have done them. But in time, he figured out his own way to handle LO, and it now works really well.

The best way to learn new things is by doing them and that's what DH needed. He's even taught me a thing or two at this point.

Good luck - the fact that you've recognized this is great!

I totally agree! We were running into this as well. A friend told me she did this with her husband, and eventually he stopped helping because he felt he never did anything right. She helped me realize that as long as LO is safe, it's OK to do something differently.

Funnily enough, the same day I talked to her H told me that he felt useless because I kept telling him I didn't need his help. I was only saying that because I didn't want to stress him out because he was returning to work and needed to sleep. Guess we weren't communicating very well

Anyway, I stopped being so critical and started letting him help more. Turns out, he has some great instincts and is wonderful with LO. He's also more proactive now (I woke up to find him watching you tube videos on various CD folding methods!) and more open to the few things I do correct. I try to be "educational" in my corrections, like making sure he knows if I'm just passing along something I just learned, rather than making him feel stupid for doing something I consider wrong.

Hope that all made sense

HappyToBeHere · January 2015

I agree with PPs! If LO is safe, walk away for a while. I've found that when I do that, DH usually asks my advice for how I would calm her if she's freaking. He definitely does some things better than me though (like burping her, for example). And I tell him this! I even tell her "I'm passing you to daddy because he can get you to burp so much easier than momma can!" because it makes him feel good when I know he feels quasi useless since we EBF.

mander82 · January 2015

I always just say "sometimes doing this or that works for me"

Nothing ever works EVERY time, so I can't really tell him the right way.

Aside from that, I just keep in mind that I had no clue what I was doing in the beginning, and I had to figure it all out. I know DH can figure it out too.

My DH will be flying solo with LO this Wednesday and Thursday. I am scared shitless to say the least....lol.

highbornhunter · January 2015

I've been feeling super frustrated at my DH too and not saying a word. It's not when he has the baby that's the problem, it's when I'm up at night with the baby. I'm breastfeeding so we can't share those overnight duties, but there are things he sometimes does that make it easier for me, like check his diaper and change him before I feed him, and then put away the changing things and set the swaddle blanket up to make it easier to put LO back down. I'm super appreciative when he does them and I say so - but when he doesn't do them and just goes back to sleep I just sit there and seethe while feeding Will. I always feel better during the day once I've had more sleep.

I guess that's not helpful other than letting you know you're not alone! THere have been some good suggestions from PP, good luck!

MrsAdventure · January 2015

I was just in the middle of telling DH what to do when I started reading your post. I am struggling to to stop this behavior as well. But DH still thinks she's old enough to CIO, so I feel like if I don't intervene he'll just let her cry. And he never lets her just lay alone and cry. He always holds her. It's just not the way I do it and apparently I'm a big ol' control freak (my words, not his).

staugustinewedding · January 2015

crizz13 said:
I've learned to just bite my tongue in the moment. He's doing the best he can. If it's something that really does need changing, then I'll mention it to him later. If it's just me being controlling, I try to let it go.

This exactly. I think to myself "well, there's going to be a day soon that I leave her with him for the day and I can't be here, so I better just let him figure it out." If he's trying and making a real effort, that's a lot more than most men do, so just try to be grateful and bite your tongue. Us moms have that maternal instinct of how to handle our LO, but dads need more time to figure it out, IMO, and they will probably figure it out faster without us nagging.

staugustinewedding · January 2015

Also, it's not worth putting the unnecessary strain on your relationship. Just be happy that he has an interest in your LOs life and love him for that. There are lots of single mamas out there that would love to have a supportive man in their lives.

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