If you know 2 year olds...come in!

Clbehenna · January 2015

I know we have a lot of STM+ moms and people who work with kids on this board, so I'm throwing this out there...

Ok, so my son just turned 2. He's a sweet, easy going guy...most of the time. This weekend, however, has been a different story. He's been "freaking out" ( for lack of a better term) what feels like all day long. It's not full blown tantrums, just crying...about everything...and wanting to be held.

My intuition tells me that he needs some extra love. It could be his 2 year molars, it could be that his schedule has been totally thrown off by holidays, or not, who knows. Here's my issue: we went to my inlaw's for dinner last night, and he was crabby on and off. We reached a point when we were nearing bedtime and he was crying and we were unable to calm him that we decided it was time to go. I put him down to put on my shoes and was talking to him calmly, when my MIL stepped in and picked him up, even after I suggested it was fine and I was almost done putting on my shoes. She proceeded to start telling him, "Enough! No more crying!" Etc.

This pissed me off a bit. First of all, I don't agree with telling him to stop crying. I believe with his limited expressive language crying is still his main source of expressing how he feels. It's not the same thing as hitting/throwing things/kicking and screaming on the floor to get a cookie. It's also out of character to cry as much as he has been, so he obviously is struggling with something. Most importantly, my DH and I were standing right there...why did she feel the need to discipline our child in front of us?

I need some insight. Am I wrong to be upset about her stepping in and correcting him? Am I also wrong to think he needs some extra love, or in your experience is tough love/discipline the way to go in situations like this?

As always, thanks in advance for your Internet stranger advice and opinions. I look forward to hearing your wisdom!

JuneBug0611 · January 2015

That's annoying that MIL felt the need to do that. Sometimes my ILs (or my own parents!) feel the need to "correct" DD while I'm right there and it bothers me because their parenting approach is different than mine and, well, *I'm* the parent! But I usually just let it go because it happens infrequently enough and I see them infrequently enough that it's not a huge deal, just an annoyance. If you see yours more often or it happens more often, maybe I'd say something at some point, but that's a tough situation to navigate.

I'm sorry your DS is going through a rough patch. It's totally normal for them to have off days or periods. I'd just keep an eye on him to make sure it's not something health-related (no fever? he's still sleeping and eating ok?) and otherwise your extra-compassion approach seems totally right on to me. If he's obviously not feeling well for whatever reason, he doesn't need to be disciplined, he just needs a little extra support to get through this time. As you say, if he was throwing a tantrum trying to manipulate a situation or break a rule, it would be a different story.

((Hugs)) and I hope he feels better soon.

housewifebecomesher · January 2015

Mine isn't 2 (almost 1) but I HATE when people tell her to stop crying! That's what babies do to communicate. More power to you mama!

The only time my daughter fusses like that is when she has an ear infection. Just a thought.

I hope all gets better!

Bednarova · January 2015

I think your instincts are right. And my dad who is normally pretty reasonable with discipline with DS1 has also said 'enough' like your MIL. I let him (dad) know that it wasn't ok, and that DS was ubhappy about XY or Z.

DS goes through whiny, clingy angry phases. He'll be 4 in march. It's usually bad for a few weeks and then he outgrows whatever it is (it's usu a developmental growth with a lot going on and he can't handle himself or is feeling something he doesn't understand/can't verbalize) and goes back to his usu sweet self.

The key is to be consistent in how you react to him. If he's whining, I tell him I can't understand him and I'll listen when he uses a nice boy voice, etc. He alw gets lots of snuggles because we both love hugs.

And bedtime is sometimes a mess regardless bc everyone is tired.

AmyCee · January 2015

I would also be upset...my son is not a crier either, so when he does I know it's important (hurt, really sad - sometimes mad that we won't let him watch tv). I would either have DH say something or you could. It's done so it doesn't need to be a huge deal, but just let them know in the future if you are around, please leave the discipline to you and your DH.

It also think it's pretty normal and extra love can't hurt.

Schnurette · January 2015

I would be annoyed with your MIL too but that said DD is 2.5 and has determined already that crying will usually get het some benefit whether it is extra attention or babying.

We usually suck her up a bit if she is crying during the day but recently at night she has started crying a lot at bedtime or if she wakes up a bit (trying to lure us in...there is almost never a real reason for crying - its always I want my blanket on...or I don't want my blanket on) so we have to tell her to stop crying or we'll come shut her door.

Makes me feel like crap but we had to start putting our feet down or she'd be sleeping with us every night.

luvindanimals · January 2015

DS will be 2 on Wednesday. I feel like he has a lot of meltdowns lately. He sets his mind to something and really struggles when the outcome is not as he expected. From what I read on my BMB (Jan 13) meltdowns are totally normal for this age. In most cases I try to help fix the problem. If he keeps crying usually it's because he is tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. I try to be understanding if he is just crying. If he is hitting or kicking he does get put in his crib for a minute until he is ready to "give love."
I would have a problem with your MIL response too. DH does the same thing and it does nothing to help the situation except make DS more upset.
Maybe explain to your MIL what you do and that it can sometimes be confusing for the child to have someone else step in when you are in the middle if dealing with the situation. I say don't be afraid to do what you think is right for your child.

nye373 · January 2015

I have a 3 and 1 year old. They go through these weird stages from time to time. To be honest, I don't mind if someone (whom I am close with) disciplines my child if the child is being destructive or disrespectful, but crying is a feeling. I don't think it's a good idea to suppress those. Also, you can tell when a child is "fake" crying because they want to get their way (my 3 year old does this sometimes) or crying because they just need to cry.

mamahawk12 · January 2015

Well, if it were my MIL, I'd be pissed... Because well, it's my MIL. My parents on the other hand, I let them discipline even if I'm right there if we are in their house. We spend a ton of time over there and they need to understand "their house, their rules" and to respect them just like they would mom and dad. I know, total double standard.

As far as the age goes, newly two is hard. They're in that weird place inbetween helpless baby and independent child/toddler. Give him a few months and he'll grow out of it as he becomes more comfortable with his independence.

willowprincess · January 2015

I would have been pissed as well. Totally justified.

And it sounds like he's going through a very normal 2 year old phase. Some extra love and helping him communicate what is going on (eg, You are mad. You are mad because you want a cookie. You want a cookie now. But you know what, it's not a cookie time right now. Maybe we can have one after diner). Showing him you understand what he is expressing and help him identify those emotions.

LadySif · January 2015

Yup, agree with the others. Your MIL was in the wrong but let it go this time, just discuss with your DH that if DS has another meltdown and you're occupied, he has to step in so that MIL doesn't pull it again.

DS is also two and has occasional meltdowns. I definitely know if it is a fake one or real, and if I cause it - pushed the nap too late, traveling excessively, he's excited because of company etc. - then I just respond with compassion and we try to take a little calm down time. If he's doing it intentionally then we use 123 Magic which works well for us. Sounds like yours was circumstantial, a lot was going on for him. MIL needs to cool her jets.

sideboth · January 2015

Ah the lovely two's, where your normal, nice child got replaced by some weird demon, alien version of itself. First understand, this is a phase and he will get through it and so will you (with a few grey hairs).

Telling your 2 year old to stop crying is the most useless activity ever. Go bang your head on the wall, I'm sure it has more value. Best way to deal with 2 year olds is to isolate them and then ignore up to a point. Things are weird for them right now and they have discovered this new way to assert power. You can't reason with them and yelling at them isn't going to help either. Isolate them because they LOVE an audience. The more "what's wrong" is like crack to them and super annoying to you. Let them work it out. I found it was an excellent time to get caught up on email. Step in every once in a while...Are you ready to talk it out? Are you ready to join the others and have fun?

Don't be afraid to join in. Sometimes a tantrum can be stopped by joining in. There is something lethargic about rolling around on the ground and yelling at the top of your lungs. This usually works a few times to stop the tantrum because they are so surprised that you did it. And finally sometimes there is nothing you can do and you need to wait it out. You will be surprised on how patient you become at the time in your life.

Good luck.

ohiodoxiemama08 · January 2015

Yeah I definitely would be pissed at your MIL --that's not her place.

DD will be two the 26th. We've definitely been dealing with a lot more crying/tantrums. She has a lot of words but it's still hard for her sometimes to explain what she wants/needs/is feeling.

Trust your instincts. Last couple weeks were really rough for us (crying fits, hitting while frustrated) I almost lost my cool a lot. However, DD was fighting off a nasty cold and cough and I think her last set of canines are trying to break through. Usually there's a trigger. We try hard to try to get her to calm down by separating her from stimulation (sitting down in her chair with nice hands, etc) and having her explain what's going on as best she can.

Good luck to you--this age is not for the weak!

walshbunnie · January 2015

@sideboth‌ Gave excellent advice. Telling a 2 year old to stop crying is useless and I would be annoyed too. Sounds like you are handling his meltdowns well. We have great days with our 2 year old and days where I wish to god I could take a Xanax.

sassypants2010 · January 2015

You are his parent! You were dealing with the situation the way you wanted to, she crossed a line. My fil's girlfriend has done this with my two year old and finally in front of everyone I blew a fuse and told her that I don't care who she is or what she THINKS she knows about my kid, I am his mother and I decide how he is dealt with. Talk to your husband about this so you both are on the same level on this issue. Plus two year old kids go through this tantrum stage because they are trying to make themselves understood, my son has good days and bad.

rvasq · January 2015

Hate hate hate when people (especially MIL) try to stepping on your parental feet. Stay strong.

On another note, this isn't the best time to tell you that I thought the threes are far worse than the twos?

Good luck

taboullio84 · January 2015

When my children start the tantrums ( if I ruled out all issues that could be causing it ) I tell them it's "ugly" to scream and throw a fit. I tell them if they want to act like that they can do it in their room. I bring them to their room. I remind them if they need something to let me know and when they are ready to be nice they can come out. Usually they are over it within 5 minutes and are willing to come out and point what was going on. I remember one time my daughter was mad BC the big door was closed and she couldn't see outside. Lol it must have been a big deal to her at the time.

I find what helps the most is consistency.. If they know what to expect from you they won't go to tantrums to get your attention.

Clbehenna · January 2015

Thank you all so much for your insight! It's very refreshing to hear that my feelings toward the situation are justified!

honeybunches101 · January 2015

I would have been very frustrated as well. Especially since you know your child, it doesn't sound like he was throwing a tantrum, he was having a rough day and needed extra love, not someone yelling at him! I would probably have said something right then and asked her to hand him to me.

In general, I don't like it when people discipline my child when I am right there, if something needs to be said I will say it. Of course, if I am not right there and he does something wrong (usually throwing toys) whoever is with him should tell him no. But he is the only child in our extended family and the people who are correcting him haven't been around toddlers regularly in 30+ years. Especially my grandma, who seems to think her kids were perfectly behaved and able to sit still at a restaurant at 7pm for a full 2 hours without any toys or tantrums.

girlymama79 · January 2015

I would of been pissed. My MIL does things like this all the time. Last time we saw her she told my daughters not to play horses because they are girls not horses!! They are 4 and 6. I'm pretty sure imaginary play is good for their development. And when I tell her so, I'm stupid in her eyes. Whatever. You have got to stand up to others to protect your kids sometimes. You just have to decide if they need protecting from that or if MIL is just annoying beyond reason. My MIL is nearly always falls into one of those two categories.

mcp6286 · January 2015

I don't think your MIL had the right to discipline your child if you were right there handling it. That would def make me mad!

As far as 2 yr olds in general, I think that the extent to which crying should be tolerated depends on the child and his/her language skills. Last yr, the 2 yr old I nannied for had very low language skills and couldn't communicate verbally. All he could do was cry no matter what the problem. This year, the 2 yr old I nanny for has extremely advanced verbal skills and communicates better than her older sister. With her, I give her till the count of 3 to stop crying and use her words, or I take her up to her room till she's ready to talk about what's wrong. I don't want to teach her that crying is an ok way to get what you want, since she certainly has the ability to tell me verbally. There's also a big difference between her hurt cry and her mad/irritated/upset cry. It has definitely motivated her to put her feelings into words, which makes all of our lives easier.

gabriellamason93 · January 2015

I think I'd personally have to disagree with pp, not because they're wrong because I'm fully aware crying, babbling and thumping is a child's way to communicate. I personally in my own house wouldn't try to stem the behaviour with a simple "enough" because that doesn't solve any problems your child may be facing.

However, I'd have to remind myself that MIL had children at a different time and was just trying to help you out with her grandson. Plus I'm guessing it's been years since she's had a child of her own so the continued crying may have been some annoyance to her in her own home, and that's how she's used to dealing with it. Just another perspective. But he's your child and you do as you think best, everyone has different ideologies and reasoning behind them

3JTMom · January 2015

It does sound like your little guy might be dealing with something. Good job on knowing your child. You are the expert on him. When my LO's are acting out, my DH always asks questions like, when did they eat last? Are they teething? Did you have a really busy day? Things like that because so often, their behavior is a result of what has been going on. I hope you figure it out. Can you help your MIL understand how you parent? It has been a long time since she has had a 2 year old, she may have forgotten that it is not easily fixed with a "stop it now". Hugs mama!!! -Cookin'Quiltin

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