I thought this was in poor taste. Is it just me?

kleigh926 · January 2015

There's no real point to this except to generate some discussion. I consider myself very blunt (to a fault sometimes, which I'm trying to work on). I know I probably said a lot of things very tactlessly when I was younger, but I have some Facebook friends from church in their early 20's who I feel say things in a pretty offensive way and/or just don't seem to think before posting. Today I saw this post from one of them:

"Slowly learning to just keep my mouth shut when listening to other women complaining about their husbands. I guess comments like "wow, really? My husband cooks all the time" and "wow, my husband is always cleaning around the house. I've never even had to clean the bathroom or mop the floors" must be pretty infuriating if you don't have a man like mine. Just last night I came home from work to a candlelit dinner of steak and shrimp. I'm just lucky I guess."

Okay, I admit there may be some jealousy because my husband hardly ever cooks and rarely cleans, especially without being asked. That said, he works full time and I don't, and it's pretty much an agreement between us that I take care of all the household stuff and usually I'm totally fine with that. But the way this post is worded just seems in very poor taste to me. There seem like so many better ways to say she's thankful for her awesome husband who helps out so much around the house. This sounds more like... "Wow, I feel sorry for all you women who have lazy husbands that don't cook you gourmet meals every night and clean your bathroom. Must suck to be you." Just because my husband doesn't cook or clean for me doesn't mean I'm not lucky. He works hard at his job and is going back to school for his master's degree so that he can provide for our family.

WDYT? Am I being too sensitive?

tamarar5 · January 2015

I'd like to crotch punch women who say things in that manor. I have a similar situation in our house where my husband works full time and I stay home. But I **need** more help. And it doesn't occur to him without being asked to just go do the dishes, or to pick up the baby that is crying in the swing beside him.

And I love my husband, and knew all of these things about him before we got married. So I have no reason to expect that he would be any thing other than he was. I get crazy annoyed if anyone else is insinuating that my husband is lazy and my marriage is terrible. But that doesn't mean I'm not a tiny bit jealous that I never get candlelit dinners or flowers for no reason.

So to summarize, it's an annoying way to brag, and we probably are being too sensitive, but it's still annoying, and we have a right to be annoyed.

mishka29 · January 2015

Wow hope she doesn't take a fall from the high horse she is on!

ally2011 · January 2015

That is beyond tacky. I might have posted exactly what you said here or say that husbands like that are usually trying to overcompensate for something they feel guilty about. Ok, I would have probably just hidden her. But still, very obnoxious and off-putting to many I imagine. And I have an awesome husband too who doesn't t clean or cook but works his a-- off for our family.

kleigh926 · January 2015

My response was something along the lines of, my husband doesn't cook or clean but he does work full time and is getting his master's degree so that I am able to stay home and take care of the house. I wish I had added "that doesn't mean I'm not lucky just because he doesn't cook for me," but I didn't want to sound too mean. I get myself into too much trouble on FB.

ally2011 · January 2015

I don't really understand the point of 99% of what people post on Facebook. Here's my dinner! Here's a picture of my kids clean and perfect looking to represent .1% of my life! Here's the new giant house we just bought that we fight over all the time because we are so in debt! I don't get it. But maybe I'm a FB scrooge.

TarheelMama202 · January 2015

I feel like a lot of what pops up on my newsfeed is in poor taste. There is a lot of extreme tomfoolery taking place on FB. In the grand scheme of things, that comment probably wouldn't have ruffled my feathers much. It would have gotten a possible eyeroll, but that is more because of how it was worded than anything else.

kleigh926 · January 2015

I used to be a FB over sharer. I have the Time Hop app which shows you your past posts and I am seriously so embarrassed at most of the things I posted. It was either "who cares" stuff or vague booking crap about my job that I hated. In the past year or two I've stepped back and don't post nearly as much. The constant random, ambiguous, attention seeking stuff annoys me.

TarheelMama202 · January 2015

ally2011 said:

That is beyond tacky. I might have posted exactly what you said here or say that husbands like that are usually trying to overcompensate for something they feel guilty about. Ok, I would have probably just hidden her. But still, very obnoxious and off-putting to many I imagine. And I have an awesome husband too who doesn't t clean or cook but works his a-- off for our family.

Mehh, I have to disagree there. There are men out there that cook and clean because they actually like to do it. Not because of any hidden motives.

singingsea · January 2015

Here's the thing about Facebook. People lie. A lot. I'm sure this chick's life isn't all the sunshine and roses she makes it out to be.

ally2011 · January 2015

TarheelMama202 said:

ally2011 said:

That is beyond tacky. I might have posted exactly what you said here or say that husbands like that are usually trying to overcompensate for something they feel guilty about. Ok, I would have probably just hidden her. But still, very obnoxious and off-putting to many I imagine. And I have an awesome husband too who doesn't t clean or cook but works his a-- off for our family.

Mehh, I have to disagree there. There are men out there that cook and clean because they actually like to do it. Not because of any hidden motives.

Dude I know....I was just saying random snarkiness to be mean because I thought her post was so over the top

My husband does all kinds of stuff to be a good husband and to the best I can tell he is not over compensating for anything

TarheelMama202 · January 2015

ally2011 said:

TarheelMama202 said:

ally2011 said:

That is beyond tacky. I might have posted exactly what you said here or say that husbands like that are usually trying to overcompensate for something they feel guilty about. Ok, I would have probably just hidden her. But still, very obnoxious and off-putting to many I imagine. And I have an awesome husband too who doesn't t clean or cook but works his a-- off for our family.

Mehh, I have to disagree there. There are men out there that cook and clean because they actually like to do it. Not because of any hidden motives.

Dude I know....I was just saying random snarkiness to be mean because I thought her post was so over the top My husband does all kinds of stuff to be a good husband and to the best I can tell he is not over compensating for anything

Ohhhkay. I definitely your post as being 100% serious and I was like, "Whoa, Ally, take it down a notch." Woof.

SummerLove21 · January 2015

Lack of self-awareness is all it is, and that is abundant on Facebook.

My first thought was, they must not have kids.

Rynleigh · January 2015

My equality bone twinges in discomfort when I hear about couples who don't share responsibilities in a balanced way (that doesn't mean they both manage the same exact responsibilities, just that everything gets done and everyone is putting forth effort). I find myself easily frustrated hearing from couples who experience so little mutual respect in their home that they need to complain about it with any frequency, online.

My partner and I both work full time (on precisely the same schedule). He almost exclusively cleans the kitchen and cooks and performs maintenance and takes care of the kids' daily needs. I am almost always responsible for shopping, budgeting, planning, laundry, bathrooms, discipline, educational supplementation, etc. My opinion is that a stay at home parent is just as much of a working parent as one who works outside the home - and expecting them to take on the entirety of the housework and cooking simply because they are home, is unreasonable - at least until the children are old enough to manage well enough to clean after themselves and entertain themselves effectively. I think that the first twenty to thirty minutes of time when everyone is "off work / school" all at once should consist of *everyone* in the household working together to clean and prepare dinner, so that the rest of the night can be focused on being a family or having free time. Whether a stay at home parent, employed parent, or school attending child, everyone is bound to have good days and bad days and to have put in their all during the day - there is no reason not to encourage, or even demand, all-for-one-one-for-all mentality with the most basic upkeep. When I share those things, it isn't because I think less of people who don't have that kind of relationship or to rub their noses in it.... it's because I genuinely hope others will see it and find affirmation that it is OK to expect that kind of cooperation from their partners and children... But that comment in the OP sounds really self centered.

kleigh926 · January 2015

SummerLove21 said:
Lack of self-awareness is all it is, and that is abundant on Facebook.
My first thought was, they must not have kids.

Not yet, but she's due with their first in March. Maybe that will change things!

kleigh926 · January 2015

@seadragon2013‌, I do agree with what you said about the division of labor with both partners working full time, and that if one person is complaining things might need to change. I believe they both do work full time currently so I'm quite happy for her that her husband shares in the household chores. I just thought the post was very poorly worded and condescending towards women who may be unhappy with the division of labor in their marriages. The tone of it was very off putting.

TarheelMama202 · January 2015

Rynleigh said:

My equality bone twinges in discomfort when I hear about couples who don't share responsibilities in a balanced way (that doesn't mean they both manage the same exact responsibilities, just that everything gets done and everyone is putting forth effort). I find myself easily frustrated hearing from couples who experience so little mutual respect in their home that they need to complain about it with any frequency, online.

Stuck in the box.

Rynleigh nailed it, per usual. Beyond the fact that the original post was a bit tacky and eyeroll-worthy, I sort of get what her intent was. It always makes me uncomfortable and a little sad whenever I hear people constantly complaining about the lack of equity in their relationship when it comes to housework. I think that is a conversation that needs to be taking place within the couple. If one person feels slighted enough to complain about it regularly to others, then I think it's gone too far and it needs to be discussed within the household so everyone feels more balanced and appreciated.

Not directed towards anyone specifically in this thread, just discussing the topic at hand.

BBS! · January 2015

I would never post that! But my husband does the cooking and laundry, works 60 hours a week traveling and is getting his masters degree. My point is he's no saint but enjoys those activities. I pay the bills, do the childcare while he's working and in school and work 50 hours a week while being pregnant. There are two sides of every story and If I only shared what he did it wouldn't be fair to my efforts. I feel everyone has a system that works for them...

kleigh926 · January 2015

byebyebooze said:
The only thing I find offensive about that post is the poor writing. She's feeling braggy and lucky to have an H that does what makes her happy. More power to her. I think you're being overly sensitive if you think she's saying that you have a bad H because he doesn't cook and clean for you all the time.

No, I don't really think that's what she's actually saying, but it almost sounds like that's what she's implying if that makes any sense? I agree that the poor wording is the real problem.

wineandcake · January 2015

The post makes me wonder if she's talking about one person in particular and how that person must feel when reading this. I couldn't imagine posting a status like that, especially because those conversations likely happened and I wouldn't want to draw attention to that and how those people have 'husbands who do nothing', that's my biggest problem with it. I'm not a status poster on FB so the whole thing is bizarre and over sharing to me.

Poppy523 · January 2015

I've started blocking people like that so that I don't even have to waste brain cells being annoyed by their posts. I realized I was letting people like her get to me, which is silly, so if someone does it consistently I block them and they never bother me again!

kleigh926 · January 2015

Poppy523 said:
I've started blocking people like that so that I don't even have to waste brain cells being annoyed by their posts. I realized I was letting people like her get to me, which is silly, so if someone does it consistently I block them and they never bother me again!

Yeah, I need to start hiding posts from people who consistently annoy me. I've done it a few times but for some reason I often forget that I can do that! This is the first time this girl has ever posted something like that, so I think I'll give her another chance

djm31012 · January 2015

When I read things like this, I actually feel sorry for the poster. As PP said she is probably super insecure and needing to validate some inadequate part of her own relationship or something else in her life. I wouldnt give it a 2nd thought. Whether your husband cooks and cleans does not determine to type of man he is or husband he is and doesnt mean any one persons relationship is better or worse. I am sure there are plenty of men that are fabulous chefs out there that beat their wives. Would I change places? Not for a single second.

Puck1182 · January 2015

The tone of that post is what bothers me more than the content. It comes across as unnecessarily braggy and critical.

On one hand, I'm totally on board with the idea that there should be a fair division of labor between spouses, and that if one spouse feels the need to complain, they should really channel that into a private, productive conversation with their spouse rather than letting the resentment fester and then venting about it on social media.

But a fair division of labor isn't going to look the same in each household. If one spouse is a sole/primary breadwinner, it makes sense that the spouse without a paying job or who works fewer hours takes on more/most household duties.

In my family, DH and I make roughly the same amount of money and work a similar amount of hours, so our household/childcare duties are similarly split. I usually cook during the week since DH works later than me (he does more meals on weekends) and I do most laundry, dusting and vacuuming, but he does most outdoor maintenance (mowing, shoveling snow, etc.), so our division is along pretty traditional gender lines with some stuff but the workload is similar. But when he was working for the school district and had summers off, he did the bulk if the housework. When I was in a reduced schedule at work after having DD, I did the bulk of the housework. A fair division of labor is not uniform, not is it static.

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