5 year old & emotional boundaries

sunnydays99 · December 2014

I had a hard time coming up with a title...not sure if that's the right term!

DS is 5 and in kindergarten. He is a very affectionate little boy who is also sensitive. At home we are all very affectionate with each other. A lot of hugs, "I love you's" and praise in general. Both kids mirror this with dh and I and with each other. I've never pushed them to give strangers or random family/friends hugs or anything like that, but they often choose to give people who they've become close to hugs or kisses on the cheeks.

Now with DS in kindergarten he has a girlfriend! I have become friends with the mom and we often joke about how cute they are proclaiming their love for each other and saying they will get married one day! In the last week of school before Christmas break they started giving each other a hug and kiss to say goodbye and saying "I love you" to one another. Also, after class one day he asked his teacher for a kiss & hug. She allowed it and made sure that I was aware of it but it didn't seem to be a concern.

The mom of his girlfriend and I have both kind of laughed it off but I'm not entirely sure how comfortable she is with all of this. I brought it up to her by saying that I was going to have to talk to DS about boundaries and she said that she thought it was indicative of how much he is loved at home.

My question is: do you think this is something that I need to have a convo with him about? I don't want him thinking it's bad or wrong to love someone or to express his emotions. Honestly I love that he's so affectionate and don't want him to feel self conscious about it. He's a very sensitive kid so I know it will hurt his feelings to hear that he's not "allowed" to give people a hug or something.

Any advice would be great! If I do need to talk to him I just feel like I don't know what to say without it hurting him!

ETA: the girlfriend has also initiated a lot of the hugs and kisses and freely says I love you back to him. So it's not as though she's pushing him away and he's ignoring her social cues or anything like that!

emberlee3 · December 2014

DS was acting the same way with his cousin last week. I remind him that he should ask permission to hug or kiss someone. He can't actually control his impulses yet, but we are working on it. I also encourage him to express his love verbally or through drawings, rather than physically embracing her (she is not a touchy-feely child).

di0607 · December 2014

We've had conversations about personal space and who we can and can't touch. We've also talked about asking permission. It's such a hard topic with a sensitive child

neverblushed · January 2015

I think it's an important conversation to have in a gentle and sensitive way.

It's not unusual for 5 year olds to have a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" at school that they profess to "love." Kids that age can be really affectionate. My son and his best buddy have been friends since they were 4, and at age 5, they always hugged goodbye at the end of the school day or a playdate... and they're both boys! (Well, at the end of a playdate when they were 5, the one who had to go home was usually crying, so maybe not so much hugging then)

I think one way to go about this without confusing things is go after it by making a distinction between home and school, and not by trying to explain how he should behave with his "girlfriend." Maybe let him know that in school and at work, it's different from at home. People have serious jobs to do at school and work, and it's a more business-like situation. Because of this, people don't usually touch each other. His school probably has a rule about keeping "self to self" or something along these lines that you can ask about or refer to. Maybe suggest that if he and his friend have a playdate at one of their homes, it's fine to hug, but that school isn't really a place for hugging others except for very special occasions.

FWIW, I teach high school, and this is pretty much a rule I have to explain to the teenagers. Having two freshmen who are "in luuuurrvve" in the same class is always hilarious.

groovygrl · January 2015

I could have written this except my DS hugs & kisses everyone... and for a time would even kiss random strangers on the arm so obviously we've have to have talks about that.
I am not friends w/ DS's 'girlfriend's' mom and I can tell quite clearly that their hugging and whatnot totally irritates her, she is quite unfriendly to me and doesn't even acknowledge DS when she picks up the kids at the same time as me. I used to tell him he needed to ask permission before hugging & kissing friends & that he should not be hugging/kissing adults except family and his teachers if they give permission (I have spoken w/ them about it several times so they're all on board w/ this). Unfortunately, all his friends give permission (the boys in his class all hug each other all the time too)... so it kind of backfired b/c he kept kissing the girlfriend (on the cheek or arm) and says, but she said it was ok! and to be honest, I have seen her chase him down to hug him and say things like "come here you!" and grab him, so this is not one sided... I try really hard to balance b/w setting boundaries w/ him and not overdoing it so he feels either shamed or like affection is a terrible thing. So now we have kind of reverted to asking him to not kiss anyone and to keep hugging for hello & goodbye and to high five his friends instead. I don't know that it is working but we check in w/ his teachers to be sure he is not being inappropriate. He goes to public school next year (private K now) so I am more concerned about him getting it by then b/c they will be a lot less lenient there.

dnjmommy · January 2015

I work in a kindergatden class and will tell you that it is VERY common for that age group and definitely doesnt weird out the teacher. She has more than likely experienced kids who are affectionate a lot in the past. We just tell the kids to "save thier kisses for home," mostly to prevent spread of germs. IMO, they out grow it too quickly anyway. I'd let them be. Hugs are great, and good affirmation for a teacher as well as the child.