Relatives with substance addictions

dondeeast · December 2014

My mother in law is a life long alcoholic. She is still married to my father in law who in my mind is the kindest man I know. She is not. She is rude to all of her children and suddenly I have fallen into her favor because I am pregnant with the first grandchild. Her special treatment to me completely weirds me out, and she can be very pushy. She recently is home from a month long stint in the hospital due to her liver and kidney failure. She went on a drunken bender a few months ago and broke her leg, and now is incompacitated. She is currently sober because she has no physical way to get to any alcohol, but it's only a matter of time until she starts drinking again.

Along with all of this she has started a new hobby of researching her family's genealogy because she wants us to use a family name for our child. My husband and I both agreed that we don't want her input. Now she is making plans of when she will take care of our child and etcetera. I would gladly leave the baby with my father in law who practically raised his kids as a single father, but I don't want my mother in law near the baby.

I was wondering if anyone else finds themselves in a somewhat similar situation, and how they plan on handling it. Luckily for me, my husband feels the same way I do about the situation, but it's still a complicated one.

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

I am not in the same situation, but I can only suggest Al-Anon. They have many tools to help family members in situations such as yours.

AmyCee · December 2014

Al anon is a great resource.

I would highly suggest not leaving the baby with your inlaws if she goes back to drinking. Your FIL will have no control over her once she returns to old habits.

I'm thrilled for you that your husband is on the same page. It will make it so much easier.

Also, don't tell her you won't let her watch the baby - she'll get defensive and mean - theres a thing called a dry drunk, too. Just smile and nod and when it comes to planning - don't.

As for the name. Allow input just do what you want - we won't announce the baby's name until he's 8 days old (old school jewish tradition) - we are getting tons of input from family. I'm just smiling and nodding. My grandmother suggested Norman (we are looking for N names) - I looked at her and said - do you really think we are going to do that to our child?

Anyway, good luck. Alcohol is a scary drug. I had no idea the power until I was pregnant with DS1. My husband has been sober for almost a year and we talk often about how it used to control him. He was a functioning alcoholic - mostly high functioning.

Al anon saved our relationship even more than his sobriety. Because it gave me tools to forgive him...and understand his side - it doesn't sound as though your mil wants to get sober? So it likely won't happen, but Al anon can help you relinquish control or your attempt to control.

I wish you all the best.

dondeeast · December 2014

Two of my sister in laws went to Al Anon, and I think it's a really great tool for those deeply affected by substance abuse. Unfortunately my husband and I live in such a secluded rural location, That it's not that easy of a tool for us. Plus I have only known my MIL as an alcoholic in liver failure (the kidney failure is fairly recent) so I have never had issues dealing with her addiction, like it has affected her children so deeply.

Another plus for me is that I work with my parents on our family farm, so my mom lives less than a mile away, and I am really lucky that I can take my child to work with me. My mom did the exact same thing when she raised us kids. What makes me worry is when I know my MIL throws a fit and asks to see the child, or have the child stay with her for an extended period of time.

Even my FIL knows that she is untrustworthy, the hard part is just navigating that situation. I know whatever the outcome it will cause a huge issue with her, because reason and logic are two things that are completely irrelevant to her.

Since the community that we live in is so small, not everyone knows that she is a raging alcoholic, and most people assume that she is ill from some mysterious illness. My husbands family doesn't want people to know how bad she is, or what they are going through with her, because they simply feel like it's nobody's business. Me on the other hand, I think it's a shame to let people think that she's sick for some crazy reason, instead of something she has done to herself. I have no problem letting our child know exactly what their gradma is, and it's someone with a highly powerful addiction.

hulagrl461 · December 2014

. My FIL snorts pain pills and takes antianxiety meds (I'm not 100% sure if he snorts those, too). He can barely stay awake during a conversation at the dinner table. DH and I agree that he will never watch our children. So when he says stuff about babysitting, we just smile and nod.

Trampslikeus · December 2014

I'm a generation removed from it - my grandfather was an alcoholic and it was really tough for my parents when I was born. He even showed up drunk at the hospital. Its not easy, I agree with PP that Al-Anon will be a great resource, and you are VERY lucky that you and your husband are a united front on this one. If he was in denial or defensive about it, which is so common, it would be a lot harder to manage. Best of luck, and vent here whenever you need to!!

lisazmama · December 2014

What are everyone thoughts on vaporizers? Both of my BILs think that they can smoke them anywhere since they are not cigarettes but I think that they have other harmfull toxins! I absolutely do not want my baby exposed to there second hand smoke/vapor but my MIL would never take my side. What do I do

sassypants2010 · December 2014

I am sorry for your predicament. With our first my husband and I tried to make it work with his addict mother (pills and alcohol), but while I was pregnant she became abusive and would threaten us with many physical things. So we both agreed to cut her out and by don't so his step dad, which broke our hearts since he is amazing.

elizab14 · December 2014

You are the mother of this child and you are free to set any boundaries with your MIL. Mine thinks she is moving to our city to be a nanny but she can barely take care of herself. luckily, my husband feels the same way. It sounds like she has a lot of expectations about her involvement with your kid. Just like I have to, you're going to have to be clear and stick to your word no matter what.

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

You might be surprised about Al-Anon. Many meeting are held in churches. I am putting in the link to their website and it wouldn't hurt to put in your zip code and see what comes up. Even if you can only go to meeting once a twice a month, you can still get the tools you need.

As far as your MIL throwing a fit, you both will have to come to terms with it. She will get very upset and that is ok. The world won't stop spinning on it's axis if she has a temper tantrum. She is allowed to be disappointed about not seeing the baby as often as she would like, but that doesn't mean the burden is on you both to make her happy. You are about to be a mama and that inner mama bear needs to come out. That means putting your child's health and well being before your MIL's feelings. She can't watch the baby and I would even say not even if your FIL is there with her as it sounds like he is a bit of a pushover and will let her do whatever she wants so as to avoid an argument.

https://www.aa.org/

Kiki119 · December 2014

I am kinda in a similar situation but I am not 100 perfect sure if my MIL is a dependent or not

Whenever we see her she seems to have a drink.... We usually to to grandma for any holiday family function, which they never serve alcahol, so I always see her with a flask... I used to think that it is Bc she wanted a drink and then she just brings her own

Until last month when we found out we were expecting and told the news to the family... When we told MIL that she won't be taking care of the baby while we r at work BC our day care only allow full time... She seemed disappointed... So we went out to dinner to clear the air with her... She drove to our house and with a thumbler of lemonade and vodka with her... And she was drinking that while driving... I have not talked to my DH about this yet, I will just be worried that she will be drinking around the baby.... And her BF I think is a functional alcoholic....

She is a caring woman, she dog sit our furbabies when we go away sometimes...
We would love the help from my in law since my own parents live in other side of the world... But I don't want my baby to be put i. Jeopardy

akmhbm924 · December 2014

My MIL is an alcoholic/addict. Alcohol is her drug of choice, but she'll take anything she can get her hands on. She is absolutely unpredictable, and gets out of hand very quickly. Anytime she starts to explode, I either calmly tell her that I'm hanging up the phone now, and she can call me back when she calms down, or I tell her that I refuse to be around her when she's acting this way, and I leave. I flat out told DH that his mother isn't allowed at the hospital unless she is sober, and we won't be taking the baby around her as he/she grows up unless she is sober. It may sound harsh, but the woman is too unpredictable to have a young child around. DH and I both sat down with her and told her that it's her choice to be in her grandchild life. If she chooses to get and stay sober, great! If not, she's the one who will be missing out. No one can make the choice for her...the ball is in her court.

mlindzz · December 2014

I grew up with alcoholism in the family, my heart goes out to you and your husband. Definately Al-Anon is a great resource.

If you're certain your MIL will be back at the bottle as soon as she has the mobility to do so, why not try to focus on ensuring she has one of the best sober experience of her life, you never know when it could be their last. Try to keep her healthy and focus on her reasons for living, try to get her reconnected with old and new positive supports, take lots of photos on the happy days, etc. Let her day dream about time with the baby, and baby names. If it's a motivation for her to stay clean and she's able to do so, maybe you will consider having her be a part of those things if the time comes.

Telling her now that you don't want her help with the baby's name or wouldn't feel safe leaving her alone with the child would likely only contribute to the many heartaches she's already undergoing that fuels her addiction. And it sounds like alcohol has a scary hold on her, binging for such a long period of time and breaking her leg... She's lucky to be alive. You're blessed to still have her as part of the family.

Besides If she starts using again like you suspect she will, then you won't be obligated to follow through with the things you talk about when she was sober and healthy. If she's drinking, you'll both know the game changes, but why not make the most of the time you've got?

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers! </3

Katerina&Baby · December 2014

The fact is that your child's wellbeing is your first priority. Allow her to fantasize about babysitting all she likes - when it comes down to it, only do what you and your husband are comfortable with. If she throws a fit, tell her that she will see your child on your and DH's terms or not at all. You should never feel pressured into putting your child into a questionable environment just to appease a third party so if you're only comfortable with supervised visits - that's what you should do. If the time comes when this becomes an issue, your DH should have a separate conversation with FIL about your mutual concerns with MIL - he should know that it isn't him that you are keeping your child from in terms of babysitting.

kmleon83 · December 2014

My dad is an alcoholic/addict. He was sober for 21 years then about 2 years ago, just took it back up. We've been in and out of the hospital, rehab, therapy with him starting last year and I'm always very on edge around my family. I'm really emotional and sensitive to begin with and it's really hard to deal with everything. Just two months ago, I went to my parents house and found my mom performing CPR on him because he had mixed alcohol with heroin. I was 100% positive I was looking at my father's dead body. A week in the ICU and intensive outpatient therapy, meetings 2-3x a day and all I can say is it seems to be making some impact. He's been unemployed since January after being let go from his job due to budget cuts and was diagnosed with depression and bipolar and all I can do is be there, mostly for my mom. This Christmas was 100000% better than last year when he had an episode but it's an uphill battle. My husband already told me he doesn't want the baby around him by himself. I know this and I feel the same way. I have always put dealing with my dad's issues above everything else but while I'll never stop caring about what he's doing to himself and how he's dealing with his addiction, this baby has to come first.

Like others have mentioned, Al-Anon helped my mom a lot and it's a really great resource.

Whootie · December 2014

Well you are certainly not alone. Substance abuse/ addiction is hard to deal with. My DH is a recovering alcoholic (3 years sober now) but his father on the other hand still drinks heavily. Which I will admit is hard because I have my 2 1/2 year old son and I am pregnant. Did I mention we live together? After DH parents filed bankruptcy they asked us to move in and help with their mortgage.

My vest advice to you is take EVERYTHING your mother in law says with a grain of salt. I remember my mom actually making a separate room for my son at her house and she was talking about her plans to have my baby over night! Ha! Of course I was super protective and never let it happen but it comes down to 2 things. Hurting a family members feelings or doing something that you don't believe in for your child. In the end I have always stuck up for my child and husband.

The first thing you must come to terms with is you have no control. Over your mother in law or life in general. Al - anon wasn't really for me, but there are some great al anon books that are worth reading (courage to change being my favorite). Just know that you and you DH have eachother to rely on.

BaytoSA2013 · December 2014

I'm not in the exact same situation and I've handled it in a way I know most don't understand (at least those around me). My mother is an alcoholic...has been for many years. She's mean and nasty when lit and I put up with it, tried to turn the other cheek, etc for many years because she's my mom. After my grandmother died (her mom) 4 years ago she was particularly mean and I was done. I cut her out completely...won't take calls, ignore her attempts to message me and annoy me on FB, she was not invited to my wedding and she doesn't even know that I am pregnant.

Needless to say she won't be a part of my child's life in any capacity. She can make me fall apart in 2 seconds flat and I won't subject my child to her abuse, period. You can't make your MIL not drink but you do have a choice in whether your kid is around that. I sympathize because it's SO hard to deal with this stuff with family. Counseling and support have done wonders to help me see that her addictions are not my fault nor responsibility to fix. I wish you luck once the baby arrives.

mixnmatch372 · December 2014

lisazmama said:
What are everyone thoughts on vaporizers? Both of my BILs think that they can smoke them anywhere since they are not cigarettes but I think that they have other harmfull toxins! I absolutely do not want my baby exposed to there second hand smoke/vapor but my MIL would never take my side. What do I do

I'm not sure what advice to give you, other tham following your heart and doing what you think is best for you and your baby. My husband uses a vaporizer. Although he swears the vapor he exhales is purely water vapor and flavoring, I'm not convinced. Since vaping is relatively new and unregulated, there have been no tests done on it's safety and manufacturers can put whatever chemicals they want into them. DH uses his around me, and after reading your post, I think I may ask my doc about it at our next appointment in Jan. Good luck to you!

harperlyon · January 2015

My father is in the final stages of alcoholism and homeless. It is absolutely heartbreaking and I feel completely helpless. He has been in and out of treatment centers so many times, I've lost count. It is such a terrible disease, I'm watching him slowly die and cannot do anything about it. He was sober for almost 2 months, but started drinking again last week. We had a great Thanksgiving and Christmas, I actually thought I had my dad back. I really thought this time was different, I thought the baby might be his reason to not drink. My dad was the best, he was a great father growing up and gave us everything. But he isn't the same person anymore, the addict has completely taken over.

My DH and I have decided that he can not be in our lives, or our child's life, as long as he is drinking. It is the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but the stress of his drinking is just too much for me - especially now that I'm pregnant.

I agree with the other ladies, al-anon is a fantastic support group. It isn't for everyone but I do think you should at least give it a try. Also, you need to set boundaries and stick to them. Discuss with your DH what lines need to be drawn and what is best for you and your family.

I'm sorry you are going thru this, I hope that your MIL finds sobriety and can be apart of your child's life.

starlightgator · January 2015

It's comforting to know how many others are dealing with substance abuse. I've been dealing with the babysitting offers from my MIL too. I guess she is what you would call a functional alcoholic. She drinks wine daily and carries a bottle to her room (living in our house temporarily). But, I can't really tell when she's drunk. My greater concern has been her cigarette smoking. She and DH had been considerate enough to smoke way out in the backyard or far outside by the house. But, she still comes in stinking and for some reason DH doesn't stink. I think he changes his shirt and brushes his teeth pretty quickly. I don't want her holding my babies with all that cigarette stink on her. DH also smokes cigarettes but says he is down to 3 a day and trying to quit. It's a tough situation. I know this doesn't seem as bad as PP's but I still don't want ANY chemicals near the twins.

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