First time grandmother competition or jealousy

eleolin8 · January 2015

My DH and I live across the country from our families. My mother has had her plane ticket set for a couple months now for 1.5 week after my due date so she doesn't waste her work vacation waiting for baby to arrive. My MIL just asked me today (mentioning for the first time) if she doesn't mind if she comes out soon, like to be here when the baby is born. MIL doesn't work full time like my mom and has more time to spare.

Well, I really don't mind if she comes early to wait for the baby, I'll welcome any help offered. I informed my mom of this information and she got very quiet and I can tell that she is a little jealous that DH's mom may see the baby first. I don't want my mom to feel like this Who else is dealing with this?

lasawyer91 · January 2015

I'm not going through quite the same thing but they are fighting about who should be in the birth room. I kinda hurt both their feelings when I told them I didn't really want anyone there other than DH

mowl2014 · January 2015

My mom was kind of put in the back for both my sister in laws to their mom so the expectation is she has priority as far as visiting. That being said im told that there are a ton of hormones up to 3 days after giving birth and I would much rather be cranky with DH or my mom then worry about insulting my MIL.

I can kind of understand your mom being upset to be honest especially if you get along with her.

4littlebears · January 2015

My mom and MIL didn't go through this that I know of. But with my first, my mom was there for delivery and my MIL was waiting for us at home when we were discharged from the hospital. I hope your mom can swallow her feelings because it sounds like she made a good choice for her circumstances. She won't miss THAT much in the first week to week and a half anyway. Sorry she's feeling that way, but it's hard because what can anyone do? Not much from the sounds of it. My MIL was there before the births of DD1 and DD2 and I was glad to have the help. My mom came a few weeks later. (we don't live near any of them)

robsbabygirl08 · January 2015

I had to deal with that with my first. I knew it upset my mom to have to wait until DD was 2 weeks old to meet her, but she didn't have the vacation time to come out and wait. However, I intentionally told my IL's that they had to wait until after my parents came out to make the trip.

readyforround2 · January 2015

I understand your dilemma. My mom was jealous of my MIL because she lived an hour away and my mom was 8 hours away. We also spent a lot of time at my MILs in the beginning of my pregnancy because I was off work (summer vacation) and my husband was helping them do things around their ranch.

My mom isn't as jealous anymore because she and my father moved back to Florida and are literally 15 minutes down the road (at first I thought that would be a disaster, but it's actually turned out to be extremely nice). They are both upset about not being able to stay in the room while I push, but I know that if they are both in there they will try to coach me and I don't want my husband to be overshadowed.

If you are open to it you could always talk to your mom and MIL about your MIL video calling your mom right after your LO is born. That way your MIL and mom get to see the baby at almost the same time. It might help your mom feel better about not being there in person for the birth.

MichaelSC28 · January 2015

I am dealing with that right now with my MIL and my mom. My MIL has the availability of not working my mom she does side work that doesn't give her the same flexibility. It's this weird non talked about thing. Mil is all about coming early and stayin for the birth. My mom is just asking to be called when I go in labor..and in a very weird way. Like she is intruding and I would rather have my MIL than her. It puts me in a weird predicament. I just want everyone to feel included and it's hard. But I think the best thing is try and keep it equal. I am just goin give them ample opportunity to both be included. Good luck!

eleolin8 · January 2015

Thank you everyone for your experiences and supportive responses. I talked with my mom again to reemphasize that of course I would rather have her there as long as she would like to stay and that MIL won't be here at the same time so she will still have her one-on-one time with her grandson.

For next time around, I will go about this different and be more assertive with my MIL, I'm just too soft.

ellbellbr · January 2015

I think that's common feeling. My MIL always mentions how she worked as a L&D nurse in the early years of her career. Good for her but I don't want her in the delivery room. My mom is arriving 5 days before baby is due and I pray she makes it on time to be in birthing room with me.

My MIL asked if she could be at the hospital / DH and I agreed she could be there but not in the room until after the baby is born.

My mom lives in Brazil and the in laws are only 60miles away so they will get to see our son way more often.

mikeANDjen448 · January 2015

I completely agree with @savien. It's a rough predicament but ultimately you are already hormonal and stressed enough to worry about their feelings. They are grown adults and it is your baby, birth, and situation. DD was born out of town early and my parents made the trip for a night and my in-laws stayed (even though they are both retired) until we got home and met DD. I have no clue how they felt about it because Ibwas too busy dealing with bringing a baby into this world safely. Obviously I wouldn't want anyone's feelings to be hurt and I am usually the major people-pleaser but giving birth only happens so often for a person and it is perfectly acceptable for you to put your needs first and they can work out the details of their own feelings for the time being. You can always bring it up later (as in months) and usually by then they've had time to let emotions leave and can see clearly that there is. I need to have their feelings hurt as long as baby is safe, healthy, and has sooooo much live from EVERYONE

in really sorry you are going through it though but I know you will make the right decisions for you and your family.

britb618 · January 2015

My mom would personally be very hurt if my MIL got to see baby first. It is definitely silly but because my mom is four hours away and my in laws get to spend so much time with DD I do get it. For my daughters birth I wanted my mom in the room for labor but definitely not my MIL. She was at the hospital all day and although I didn't see her I felt anxious knowing they were waiting for 12 plus hours for my daughter to be born. But you can't control what people want to do so it was their time. My only irritation was that I did end up with a c-section and everyone got to hold my daughter before me (despite specific instructions from me that I wanted only husband to hold her until I could). Another whatever, what can you do right? This time around my mom will be staying with my dd at my house while we are in hospital. I've requested no visitors other than grandparents and my daughter because last time it was just too overwhelming, breast feeding didn't go well since I wasn't good at kicking people out to feed her and my husband was miserable because he was tired and with only one chair in the room he was standing most days while everyone was there visiting. also add in flu season and I'd like to limit any contact with my son until we are home. That being said, if my mom has my daughter she probably will not be the first to see Jack, and I'm not sure how I feel about that because I will probably want my mommy after surgery. So I may have her come to hospital a few hours after surgery with my daughter and have my husband go hang with my daughter while my mom visits and then call my husbands parents later in the day (although not his father because he refuses to get the TDAP or flu shot and so he can hold his grandson once the baby has had his shots)

Either way, the point is, do what makes you comfortable. Don't worry about others feelings. My mom has gotten hurt by things I've done unintentionally before regarding wedding stuff etc. so I try to be cognizant of it but she also is mostly a reasonable person as I'm sure your mom is and although they may get their feelings hurt in the end they would hate to stress you and the baby.

beccs88 · January 2015

Perhaps you could mention to her when your mom is coming and see if she would be interested in flying in at the same time.

bustysinclare · January 2015

My husband & I called this dualing grandmas. Both of our moms are out of state and if one of them schedules a visit, suddenly the other one is there the week after. My mom is very competitive ( and a bit petty too) and they are always one upping each other with visits or gifts...but it's more my mom. and it's annoying. However, how you feel is most important for the new baby and delivery. If you'd like the extra help and you and your mom are close just let her know. I'm sure your mom is a bit jealous your MIL has no work to worry about, but if she can help, let her help. I can understand wanting to spare feelings but you have enough to worry about right now

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