Intro/ Why doesn't anyone care?

shupertj09 · December 2014

Had a early miscarriage (5 weeks) today. This is my second MC, first was 3 yrs ago (11 weeks) and then had a beautiful rainbow baby.

I am struggling because no one else seems sad. My husband, mother, sister, MIL just seem totally unaffected. No one called me to check on me and when I started MC at work H actually asked if he needed to leave work too. My OB told me to go to the ER and H was like, well... Do you want to go?

Not once did he take charge today, then at ER, keeps talking about how hungry he is. I just don't get it. I am so damn sorry you are hungry, while I am over here losing our baby. How inconsiderate of me!

I feel like last time I was aloud to be sad but this time no one understands why I am so upset.

I feel incredibly alone, anyone else struggling with this? Am I over reacting because I am emotional?

lattemom · December 2014

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. Maybe they don't know how to react? Maybe they think that by hiding their emotions will protect you?? This (miscarriage) is so hard and emotional and people really don't know what to do.

shupertj09 · December 2014

I hope you're right and it's all coming from a good place. I just am not feeling much love or support right now.

Nikolie93 · December 2014

so many *hugs* to you. I agree with the PP's, maybe they don't know how to react. As for your husband, maybe he thinks that he is coming across as strong during this is what you need. MH did that and I had a talk with him. I told him that I didn't feel as if he was even sad. He told me that he was trying to be strong for me, he wanted to be my rock. I explained to him that I didn't need a rock, I needed him to grieve with me.

Do you think you can talk to your husband about it?

samantha716 · December 2014

I'm sorry

sometimes you just need to tell your husband you need him. That you are sad about this loss. He is probably trying to protect you from his own pain.

stephy1221 · December 2014

I am so sorry for your losses and the lack of support you are receiving IRL.

4N6s · December 2014

Sometimes we just need our feelings validated. It sucks when no one is there to support us.
When my sister in law miscarried a couple years ago, I was like... "Oh... I'm so sorry." That was the extent. She already had 2 kids and I couldn't relate.
Now that I miscarried, I'm so ashamed of my lack of empathy and support for her. I just didn't get it.
Also, those that have miscarried have been really supportive to me. Those that haven't, haven't.

23Tez23 · December 2014

I had an illuminating conversation recently with my SIL and I'm learning that the further along the baby was, the more "real" it is to other people. Nobody mourns for the unfertilized egg when AF comes. Everybody mourns a full-term still-birth. Where your baby was on that spectrum determines their response. I'm not agreeing with her, but it opened my eyes to how people who haven't gone through it see it. If nobody is calling to check in with you, would it be too forward of you to call them up and tell them you're having a hard time and wanted a shoulder to cry on?

amarfeo17 · December 2014

I came on here about to post something so similar to yours. I had a miscarriage in Sept at 5 weeks and it's been very hard. My husband and his side of the family were sad at first but now it's like it never even happened. Maybe that's their way of coping? Either way I know how bad it hurts to harbor these feelings and feel all alone, even in a room filled with your loved ones.

mylittlegemini · December 2014

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It's the worst feeling when you feel like no one cares or doesn't seem concerned. Sometimes men try to act strong..it's a pride thing. Try sitting down with him and talking to him about how you're feeling. Don't bottle up your emotions because that won't do any good in the long run.

shupertj09 · December 2014

TarHeelMomToBe said:
Hi - I haven't posted here but I have a really similar history: m/c, baby, m/c earlier this month. Even though this latest loss was not as physically difficult as the first because it was earlier, I feel more alone about it. It seems as though there is a perception that having a living child means that you shouldn't be as sad.

Every child lost is difficult. Losing 2 of 3 pregnancies is heartbreaking. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings, and you have every right to mourn this lost baby.

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. It is good to know I am not alone.((hugs))

ashleyann62215 · December 2014

@shupertj09‌ When I had my loss, no one on the side of my SO called or texted to see how I was doing or if I needed anything. I took it very offensively at first, and still wonder why, however; I am in counseling now and I have learned that some people, most people, just don't know how to handle grief and don't ever know the right words to say. Maybe they're just afraid of saying the wrong thing so they choose not to say anything at all. This is extremely hard especially when you're searching for comfort. Maybe your husband was just nervous and was rambling to keep himself calm. When I was in the doctors office room right after I had been diagnosed with a mc I was rambling too. I hope this is the case for you and that this has offered some insight. I hope you also find the comfort and support you need here. Hugs***

Nikolie93 · December 2014

Great advice @ashleyann62215‌ .

@shupertj09‌ have you been able to talk to your husband about it yet?

*hugs* for you today

ashleyann62215 · December 2014

Thank you! @Nikolie93‌

shupertj09 · January 2015

We tried to talk about it. He says it's "horrible" but he really has no empathy what so ever in this situation. Before this pregnancy, when I started talking about having another baby after DD, he wasn't really into it. He said he didn't want to start over with a new baby. With lots of talking, we finally agreed to one more baby, but now he isn't even sure he wants a baby. He said he would be willing to try " one more time" but if I MC again then we would just have to be done. No pressure right?!? It's all for my "sake"...he was saying the day after I had my MC that I (meaning me not him) can't go through this again, blah blah blah. I just feel like he is using this MC to try and further justify not wanting another baby however he won't admit to that completely either. Emotions are still all over the place and we just aren't in a good place right now. I just feel like he is so completely disconnected from me and this loss. The fact that he is drawing lines in the sand less than 24 hrs after we lost this baby and just keeps bringing it up, is just making me pull further away from him.

So...still feeling alone.

23Tez23 · January 2015

shupertj09 said:

So...still feeling alone.

Aww Hun, I'm so sorry that you're going through this by yourself. You can get the shoulders and support you need from us instead. I'm sending you warm hugs.

Nikolie93 · January 2015

I'm so very sorry. A loss is hard enough to deal with but it's much harder when you and YH are not on the same page.

Have you thought about counseling with him? I know that some people freak out about the thought but it really can help in these situations.

So many *hugs* for you.

KirstenAlecia · January 2015

So sorry. Im completely in understanding. My H is the same way. COMPLETE disconnect. In fact doesn't even care. My MC was physically the hardest most brutal thing I have ever been through.......and he still has been an ass.

My H also doesn't really care if we have a child or not. in fact he has moments where he says he'd rather not. His comes from a place of us trying for years and it not happening and us coming to terms with it not happening.......and being at peace with it. Our PG was actually a shock to us. Im sorry you feel alone.......I feel the same way IRL. If it were not for these boards I would be alone completely.......so we are here for you. Hugs. I agree with counseling........I think there are several of us it would help. I was thinking of starting a journal. Would something like that help you? A place to get your feelings out?

shupertj09 · January 2015

I am really just hoping he doesn't know how to deal. The pressure of our next try is our last try...is too much though. I understand partly where he is coming from (multiple losses are hard). It just doesn't feel like a discussion we should have at this point. My hcg levels aren't even back down (last draw was 408) it's only been a week and 4 days since I had the MC. I am not even in a place where I want to think about TTC again....IDK. I love DH and he is usually fantastic, he is just falling short in this situation.

I don't remember him being this disconnected last time, maybe because I was in a haze whereas this time DD won't let me just check out.

I told him I didn't want to talk about TTC anymore until we were ready to actually start TTC again. At this point just trying to lessen the damage.

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