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Need help. DS is mad at himself

msdrdgmsdrdg member
in Parenting
This will be a post and run because I have to go pick him up from daycare but I promise to check in and respond later tonight.

Need help. 

Recently DS has been tough.  But he's 4 and really just acting like it.   If we correct him in any way or even tell him something like "we had pasta last night, tonight we can have something else" he will say "I'm mad at myself" or "I am mad at myself, I'm going to hit myself in the head."

I know he is getting it from 1 child at daycare/pre-k and I have talked to the assistant director and she has talked to the teacher.  They are watching his interactions with this child closely and are going to try to work on more positive thinking.  But....

I know that most of the time he really doesn't mean it.  But other times, he really is mad at himself and he really does hit himself when he says he is going to. 

Yesterday we were at a party and he was playing a game with another kid.  He didn't want to play fair so I reminded him that he has to be nice.  He walked away and told me that "If you make me play that game I will kill myself."  WHAT?????  I was in total shock.  I didn't know what to say.  How does a 4 year old even know those words?  What does he think they mean??  I told him that that was a horrible thing to say and I never want him to talk like that. 

I'm going to try to have a sit down talk with both the Director and Assistant Director tonight when I go for pick up.  I hope to all that is holy, he doesn't know what he is saying and it's just something this other child says.  But, if he somehow knows what he is saying, how did he learn about this and WHY WOULD A 4yo SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS?  If he understands and means it, how do I help him? 

Help please.


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Re: Need help. DS is mad at himself

  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    I'm so sorry. Do you think he's just mouthing off for shock value? I would hope that he wasn't at all serious. Hugs mama.


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  • acesupacesup member
    ScoutNumbers05 said:

    Frankly, I'm very concerned for the other child in this situation. What is going on with his/her home life? The director needs to intervene for them, quickly and immediately.

    I would ask your pedi what they think about your DS's words, and actions. If they think talking to a child counselor would be appropriate, I would do that. It's likely just empty things he's heard, they are searching for emotional language at this age and he's found some to convey frustration and anger. But I think you're right to say "DS, that's a horrible thing to say, and it makes me so sad. Please don't say that, come talk to me about how you are feeling and we will work it out."

    Or whatever, in whatever language and on whatever level you think is appropriate for your child.


    But seriously. It sounds like this other child is at serious risk. It's very sad.

    All of this exactly.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it must be really hard to hear your child say that even if he he is just repeating it and doesn't understand what it means (which I suspect is the case).

    My DD is 4 and we are dealing with attitude and behavior issues too, typical 4 yr old pushing the limits and testing things. But what you described above I think definitely warrants a call to the pedi for safe measure and a talk with the school. Hopefully they have already intervened with the other child's family about what is going on and it is being addressed.

    (Hugs)
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  • msdrdgmsdrdg member
    If it is the kid I think it is, he has been at school with DS since the infant room.  I think he is also an only child, not that that really matters.  DS said something a few months ago about this kid's Dad working underground but there aren't really any places around here to work underground.  He has talked about this kid's Dad being underground a lot lately.  I have no idea, but it makes me wonder if maybe his Dad died and he is now acting out because of it.
    Anyway, I talked to the Assistant Director tonight and she is very concerned.  She is going to have a meeting with all of the teachers that deal with both this kid (she has a "suspect" too) and DS and come up with a plan.  They are going to make sure to be very present when DS is around this other child and to pay extra special attention to what both of them are saying.
    I really hope it is just a 4 year old trying to get attention and nothing more.
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  • marchbabymarchbaby member
    My oldest son used to say "Dumb (insert his name)" and sometimes hit himself in the head when I reprimanded him, if he made a mistake, if he spilled something, dropped something, fought with his brother etc.  Then my younger son started doing it too.  It drove me nuts.  At first I would  calmly say "you aren't dumb", I also tried ignoring it for awhile thinking it was for attention but then it got worse.  I finally go so mad and sick of hearing it all day long I yelled at them to stop with the "Dumb" talk, everyone makes mistakes and I didn't want to hear it anymore.  It helped a lot but I would still occasionally hear it but they seem to have outgrown it for the most part.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    DS said a few similar things one day. We asked where he heard that and he shrugged. We didn't show reaction otherwise and it never happened again.

    Like @fredalina‌, we try to help him rephrase things in a more appropriate manner without showing too much reaction to things he says. "Say you don't like something instead of you hate something"

    He says some very teenager stuff sometimes. Honestly, I assumed it was picked up from overhearing an adult say something flippant and not an endangered child.

    BUT it never ever hurts to discuss this with school especially if there is concern for a child's well being.
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