Stepparent Check-In 1/2/15 (Warning: Children mentioned)

LindseyM2012 · January 2015

Happy Friday, ladies! This is our inaugural check-in for all of us stepparents. Over the last several months, I've noticed there are a good amount of us here and we can come together and discuss a unique emotional complication to our IF journeys. This check-in will be posted on Fridays every week (may move to every other week depending on participation) where we can discuss the complication of being a stepparent while having difficulty becoming a biological parent. Since 3T is usually a child-free zone, this can be a safe place for us to discuss how being stepparents affects us emotionally without imposing on the other ladies. I know being a stepmom is a big part of my life, as I am sure it is for all of you (especially those whose husbands have custody).

So I'd like to use this first check in as an introduction of sorts. If you'd like, tell us how many stepchildren you have and how often you see them. Share only what information you are comfortable sharing (obviously omitting names & other identifying information for safety). How have you been handling the stepparent role since beginning IF testing/treatments?

MommyMonroe05 · January 2015

I'm a recent stepmom of 3, ages 18,17 and 7. I have a relationship with the two boys, the oldest and youngest. The youngest stays with us as we recently became residential parents for him. The youngest was given at first as a foster baby to my husband and his now ex when he was 5 days old. They adopted him after several months of fostering him. His bio mom was a drug addict, and so there are many challenges that come with him. He does have mild CP, epilepsy, etc. I do love him, but it does have its challenges. He always seems to compare me to my husbands ex, if that makes sense. The ex has a poor relationship with all of her children, and is more concerned with online dating and sleeping around than raising them properly. So, whenever he goes to her house, which seems few and far between these days, he always comes back as a different kid. She doesn't enforce rules, and often times he's stuck in front of a tv watching the Hub channel for hours on end. So it's like we have to clean the slate so to speak whenever he does return from her house and teach him manners all over again.

Maybe this makes me a selfish/bad person, but there are times when I don't see him as my own. That's even harsh to type for all to see. We do have a bond, don't get me wrong, but I'm sure it's not the same as having my own. After a recent discussion, my husband has come to terms with me not feeling like he is my own. He of course considers him his since he had raised him from birth more or less. I guess it's just a fine line at my house....

As for the role, I've done my best in the situation that we have. Like I said, there are good days with him, and there are not so good days with him. It has made me want to be a parent of my own even more, so I can experience what my husband has already gone thru. The memories from birth to now and everything inbetween.

Sorry for the long response to this one. Thanks 3T ladies for creating such a post!

LindseyM2012 · January 2015

@MommyMonroe05 - I certainly understand the sense of separation you see between yourself and your youngest stepson!! I think that's only natural, especially since the child doesn't usually see a stepparent as their own parent.

I have a wonderful 6 year old stepson. (not so) Funny story: My husband didn't know he had a son until the week before we moved in together back when we were dating about 5 years ago. Birth mom didn't tell my husband until baby boy was 1.5 years old. He jumped right into fatherhood and I had to decide if at 23 years old I was ready to take on the role of stepmom. Obviously I did, and I have been in my stepson's life about as long as my husband has. When G was younger, he would say, "I have a Mommy and a Daddy and a Lindsey!" Now, he is my little man - the spitting image of his Daddy, with the same wittiness, sense of humor and intelligence. He lives 5.5 hours away so he spends a week with us when he is on break from school (summer vacation & winter break - he just went home yesterday after a week with us). When he is in school, we spend the weekend in his hometown every 3-4 weeks.

I think being a stepmom made me ready to be a real mom sooner than I would have been on my own. Since my IF diagnosis, it has been a bumpy road. I have skipped out on several of those weekend trips because I just couldn't handle it. G will call me with Daddy to say how much he misses me and makes plans for what we'll do on my next trip there. Breaks my heart that I can't always be there for him. My husband always tells me what a great mother I am. That breaks my heart even more because I am not a mother. My husband has even mistakenly referred to me "Mommy" to G...oops! I've tried to be the best stepmom I can while going through IF stuff, but it is hard sometimes. I got my last BFN confirmation as we were about 10 mins away from picking him up for this last week-long visit. I cried and had to get myself together before seeing him. Then G was cuddling with me all week. I felt all possible emotions this last week.

AnnaClaire256 · January 2015

I am a step mom to two teenage boys who are 15 and 17. DH technically has joint custody of the boys but, since they MUCH prefer living at our house, they only stay with their mom on Monday and Tuesday nights.

DH and I met when the boys were 11 and 13 and I was fairly terrified at the idea of parenting teenagers! I was raised in a house full of girls and knew NOTHING about relating to boys. As soon as I met them, I knew my worries were for nothing. I am extremely lucky in that these boys are completely awesome.

From day one, DH has had them treat me with the same respect that they give him. I say all of the time that I don't think I could do this with any other man/kids...but they make it easy. All three of them make me feel like a "real" parent and I have a wonderful bond with both boys.

DH works a lot so I am primarily the one raising them on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel a little delusional and start really thinking of them as mine...and then I get hit with the harsh reality that they are not. Mother's Day is always SO painful for me. I am the one raising them day in and day out but then on Mother's Day, they go with their REAL mom. It's always a gut check. They're not mine...they are hers...and I may never know how it feels to have my own.

The largest IF complication, for me, comes when I think, if this never happens for us...DH will still be a parent and I never will. I have more to lose. I feel like I have to want this more and DH hates when I say that. Logically I know that he's in this with me 100% and having children with his ex doesn't change the fact that he wants children with me...but any time he's hesitant about treatments, I get afraid he's going to want to give up.

Sigh...I typed a novel and I still have a lot more to say. Thank you for this check-in @LindseyM2012‌...it's obviously much needed!

LindseyM2012 · January 2015

@annaclaire256 - Thanks for sharing! And I know what you mean about having MUCH more to share! I also wrote a novel, but I also deleted about half of what I wrote so it wouldn't be so AW-ish. I think it'd be a good thing to have this be a weekly thread to start so we can all process what we need to

MommyMonroe05 · January 2015

@LindseyM2012 Sorry about your BFN right before picking him up. I can only imagine the emotional toll that must have been. Hope things are a bit calmer emotionally now.

@AnnaClaire256 I am not of fan of Mother's Day at the moment either! Or Christmas. The ex is barely in his life, yet when certain holidays roll around she thinks she's mother of the damn year and buys her kids love. Ugh...

Karenb676 · January 2015

Wow what a great idea for a board. It is nice to know there are women or there who feel as I do about having stepchildren and TTC.
I am new on this board. I have an 11 year old son to be 12 year old stepdaughter. I met her 9 months after her dad and I started dating when she was 8 years old. We have a great relationship. We only get her every other weekend and for about 2 weeks over the summer. Of course holidays can be extended as well if we need them to be . My husband and I get along great with his ex and get husband. His ex calls me her daughter's other mother and says how lucky she is to have 4 parents. I am lucky that we get along. I couldn't have asked for a better situation. However my stepdaughter is very close with her mother, and naturally she wants her mother when she is sick, tired, sad, etc. I would never want to take that away from her but it makes me sad that she isn't mine and that she doesn't want me during those times. My DH doesn't understand that. He says if it isn't in the stars for us to have a child it is ok because we still have his daughter. Well yes it is true and ok for him because his daughter goes to him for everything when she is with us. Daddy puts her to bed, cuddles with her, etc. I try but don't want to infringe on the short time they have together. He has his flesh and blood, and I want mine. I want a child that will want to come to me when they are sad and sick. DH is sweet to think of me as a mother to his daughter but she has a mom, and a good one. I don't ever way to take her place. He just doesn't understand the difference.
Oh and mothers day...... Ugh everyone, even my family members think of me as a second thought. We celebrate my mother and sister as moms but at the end of the celebration I always get, "Oh well karen is like a mother too. " I feel that just because I didn't give birth to my stepdaughter it doesn't count in their eyes.
I completely understand how all of you feel.
It was refreshing to see @annaclaire256 write about exactly how I feel.
It is tough, but I feel that our Stepchildren were put in our lives for a reason. They help us learn patience, and provide us practice on how to be a great mom. I know we will all get pregnant soon, and by adding to our wonderful families, we will all learn how to spread our love to all our own/step children.

TTCBabyJ · January 2015

I am a step parent to a 12 year old boy and a 14 year old girl from DH's first marriage. Our journey has not been easy at all. First, DH's ex-wife despises me and this makes for a very strained relationship. I have tried everything under the sun to get along with her but she thinks I'm "too fancy." Whatever the hell that means. But no I don't think it's appropriate for the children to go out in public in pajamas and I am really serious about education.

DH's daughter lives with his ex and his son just came to live with us less than 2 years ago. And this has been the most trying two years of my life. Because of DH's ex-wife's constant bad mouthing of both of us the children feel like they are caught in the middle. When DH's son came to live with us full-time he started stealing, lying and getting in trouble at school. We have been forced to put locks on our bedroom doors because of his constant stealing. We also have to send a 7th grader to daycare after school for 2 hours because he can't be trusted at home. He even lied and told the daycare worker I hit him, I have never layed a hand on a child in my life. After this incident I started to pull back because I could have lost my teaching credentials, over a bold face lie. Family members will not watch him because of his stealing. Sometimes I feel like I'm being held hostage in my own home by a 12 year old. DH feels so bad because he has tried everything to get his behavior under control. I think deep down his son just wants his mom and dad back together.

We have tried therapy but my step son refuses to talk to the therapist. He did tell my SIL that he dislikes me because his mom told him it was okay.

I definitely sometimes wonder if I end up being childless if I can still be a step parent. I know it sounds horrible but it is really a feeling I have, can I deal with all this and the sadness of being childless. When DH even tries to complain a little about taking his vitamins for MFI or producing a sample for IUI, I just look at him like really. I think it is just a strained dynamic when one person doesn't have children prior to the marriage and the other person has children. He will never know my pain of trying to blend into a family. Or having stepchildren that don't like you. These last two weeks my step son has been at his mom's house and it has been so relaxing. DH even mentioned you seem like your old self and I didn't even have the heart to point out the obvious.

LindseyM2012 · January 2015

@TTCBabyJ - Wow...every hug to you. All I can say is that obviously you are an amazingly strong woman!!

tweetyknicks · January 2015

I'm not sure if I belong here since MH's kids were 14 and 18 when we started dating. They rely on me as a back-up to their dad, but not as a step parent really. Their mom is ineffective at life and lives on public assistance and odd jobs as far as I know. She would not step up for her kids if it cause her any discomfort.

@ttcbabyj I'm sorry you have to deal with that sort of insecurity in your own home. That sounds somewhat like the situation I've faced with MH younger son. He got into drugs, lying, stealing, and generally being unpleasant. We finally forced him into therapy when he was on the verge of being picked up for probation violation and put in prison. His younger son is doing better now, though he's still messy, unemployed, and lacks manners at 19 years old.

It put a big strain on DH's and my relationship. We are still recovering from his earlier issues (financially and emotionally) and I am seeing a counselor Monday.

DH's older son is a different set of challenges. He has Asperger's and often does not act his age (22 years old), but he is living mostly independently and doing well in college. Both boys create some friction because neither has a good sense of boundaries.

tumbleweed123 · January 2015

LindseyM2012 thanks so much for the check-in!

twinkl5379 · January 2015

Hello - I'm late to the post but would like to be part of this b/c it's a hard part of IF for me as well. I have 2 stepsons, 10 and 12. Have been in their lives for 8 yrs. We only have them EOWeekend and a few more days here and there and extra on holidays. It's a difficult relationship for me, always has been but even more difficult since dealing with IF for 5 yrs. I ask myself the same ? - can I be a childless stepmom for the rest of my life if IVF doesn't work. It's hard to know that H has kids, but I don't. I sometimes feel a little ashamed to share my most difficult emotions re: IF with him. I just feel silly/embaraased b/c I know he can't totally relate, and I just want him to feel the same. He's very supportive of our treatment and my feelings though - at least as much as he can be. I'm looking forward to the regular check-ins while we navigate this tough road!

Want a personalized experience?

Stepparent Check-In 1/2/15 (Warning: Children mentioned)

Re: Stepparent Check-In 1/2/15 (Warning: Children mentioned)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards