NBR: Family Members and Alcohol

whippoorwill3 · January 2015

Well my 2015 hasn't had the best start. I got a call early this morning that my brother had been hospitalized with alcohol poisoning. I'm relieved to say he's doing a lot better now but the whole ordeal has me pretty distressed. He's been a heavy drinker for a long time and has had other health issues because of it but this is the first time he's been in an emergency situation (that I know of). My question is for anyone who has been in a similar situation with a family member. How do you know if you should say something? And what is the right thing to say? I really want the best for my brother and for him to be healthy but I know it's his life and he's making his own choices. He's single and only 29 years old. I don't know if he's just being a normal bachelor and he'll grow out of it or if he needs serious help. Anyone have advice?

(I know this is a pretty heavy topic. My heart goes out to any of you who have had more painful experiences than this.)

missab · January 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this @whippoorwill3‌. I would maybe just test the waters a bit; try to see/talk to him, ask how he's feeling and doing and see if you get the sense that this was indicative of a larger issue and go from there. These can be very sensitive issues to navigate with young men, in my experience. Might your parents or any other siblings or even a close friend of his have a better idea of whether there's something bigger at play and could you ask them?

No matter what, I'm glad he's doing better and I hope he stays that way - for his sake AND yours. Hugs.

alexeleni · January 2015

Was about to say what @Tyrion‌ said--most people drinking to that extent tend to be younger so I would at the least keep an eye and help him to evaluate himself. Hopefully he freaked himself our some. All my thoughts with you!!

somewheresublime86 · January 2015

Oh my, I'm so sorry. I have far more experience with this than I wish that I did.

First, and most importantly, the person who is ultimately responsible for your brother, his actions and what he drinks is your brother. It's not your job or anyone else's to police him, watch him like a hawk or try to save him from himself.

Hopefully, this visit to the hospital will serve as a wake up call of sorts. I think mentioning to him that you're concerned is totally valid and warranted. However, what he does with that information is totally out of your control. Don't be surprised if he brushes off your concern.

On your end, I'd make sure you and your little one aren't in the passenger seats of any car that he's driving if he's been drinking or seems not quite right. Protect yourself (if that's necessary). Hopefully it never will be.

DPandMB · January 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know you said hes a heavy drinker but how often does he drink? How often does he binge drink? It sounds like it could go either way. He could be just a bachelor and in with a "badish" group or he could have a serious problem. I like what the PP said about getting help from his care team. Good luck.

Shadeauxe · January 2015

There are websites that help people figure out if they are on the flip side of addiction and offer support/tips. I do not know what they are, I only know they exist. I can ask my SIL when she's back home if no one knows before I find out. She works in sociology and knows more references than I do.

MitoRachel · January 2015

I'm sorry, it's hard to see a sibling hurt themselves like that. I have a sibling who is a recovering alcoholic. She did a really good job hiding it from us, so we had no idea she even drank often until she had checked herself into rehab. I will say that I think something that really helped her was a coworker helped her figure out a lot of practical stuff like where to go for rehab, where her dog would go, how to talk to her boss about leaving, etc.

whippoorwill3 · January 2015

Thanks for the feedback everyone. My brother is still in the hospital - he says they're checking his kidneys. Not sure what that means. I think he's pretty embarrassed and not wanting to share what's going on. Like PP have said I really hope this is a wake up call for him. Still not totally sure what I should do (if anything) to help him but you guys have given me some really good things to think about.

keifekm · January 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think PPs have good advice. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your brother. Hopefully last night served as a wake up call and he will figure out the root cause of his drinking so he can do something healthy and constructive to solve the problem.

somewheresublime86 · January 2015

whippoorwill3 said:
Thanks for the feedback everyone. My brother is still in the hospital - he says they're checking his kidneys. Not sure what that means. I think he's pretty embarrassed and not wanting to share what's going on. Like PP have said I really hope this is a wake up call for him. Still not totally sure what I should do (if anything) to help him but you guys have given me some really good things to think about.

Excessive alcohol consumption is bad for your kidneys... and your liver. They're likely checking to see how well they're functioning, and then will let him know if he needs to make any lifestyle changes to prevent further damage or let them recover.

janexo221 · January 2015

I think you should look back and forwards for a pattern of behavior. Everytime you see him, does he drink? Or just on the holidays, but takes it to the extreme? It is probably best to just be there for him emotionally right now since he is embarrassed and don't mention your concerns. Once he has healed and recovered, sit down and just ask questions. Just the two of you, and do it in a way that is not accusatory or hostile. I care about you, I want to help, what can I do. I had issues in the past, and the thing that got through to me was heartfelt conversation that the person loved me enough to want to see me happy. Tell him you are afraid to discuss this with him, just let it come from the heart. Otherwise, he will get defensive and angry no matter if he is having issues or not. The main thing is safety. Is he living safely? My stepfather was an alcoholic who passed away a year ago from cirrohosis of the liver. I never addressed it with him, and I wish I had. I hope that it goes well for you and your brother, I will keep ya'll in my prayers.

karboss · January 2015

Sadly, I've dealt with this for my brother for years. He's 33 years old and still acts and drinks like he's 21. He's crashed his car multiple times, has had multiple DUIs and in & out of rehab/AA multiple times.

My suggestion is this: make your thoughts known. It's hard to do without judgement but do the best you can. Tell him you are worried about his health and safety. Tell him you are worried about his ability to sustain and job and good relationships. Tell him what YOUR bottom lines are and then stick to them. My brother knows that if he is drunk, I will not be in his presence. I will not yell and scream and fight, I will just excuse myself and leave. Yes. This has caused some family drama. But my 2 sisters are the same. He has started holding it together when we have a family event. He also knows that I will NOT tolerate drunkenness around my child in any way shape or form. This will be my first in April. My sisters have just started to be firm on this. Every child in the family LOVES Uncle D. He's generous and silly and tall and strong and drives a motorcycle. He's very charismatic. I think my sisters didn't want to take that away from their children. But they've realized as their children grow up a little that they cannot continue to make excuses for his erratic behavior.

In the end, you need to let him know that he's supported should he want to clean himself up. And then you need to let him know what you will and will not tolerate as his family. It is hard to walk away. It's tough love but I firmly believe that an alcoholic will not make changes until they reach rock bottom.

In the meantime, I found support groups such as Al-Anon to be very helpful for those of us coping with family/friends with addictions.

DPandMB · January 2015

Hope his kidneys and everything else are ok. If he's embarrassed, that might be a good sign. It might be just the push he nerds and the door you need to be able to talk to him. I said it before but good luck.

somewheresublime86 · January 2015

shortskirtlongjacket said:

souptin said:

shortskirtlongjacket said:
You've gotten a lot of good advice, but I thought I would share my thoughts.

As a 29-er myself, I have seen friends turn to alcohol when life doesn't turn out like we planned. If he went to college, he likely graduated in the recession. Which crushed all our hopes and dreams of finding a good job straight out of college. Also, this is about the time when all of his buddies are settling down, marriage, some with kids, some with serious gfs and these things can kind of leave you feeling isolated. I think it's the over due quarter life crisis? One of H's friends is making some pretty bad decisions and I attribute it to these things (plus some personal issues). It's kind of like "Wow, I'm XX years old and I thought I would have done more than this." And they get really down and really depressed. I wouldn't consider this guy to be an alcoholic, but he is slowly turning into someone else.

Regardless of the reasons, no good will come of drowning sorrows in the bottle. Talk to him, let him know you care, and that you want to help.

Let us know how it turns out. We are trying to figure out how to handle H's friend, also.
This is brilliantly worded. It echoes true with a number of my friends as well.
Aw, thanks soup. I wish I could find happiness for them, but that's something we all have to do for ourselves.

So well said. I graduated from college in 08, right as everything was falling apart. I too know lots of people that are still quarter-life crisising. I went through it myself. It's hard to watch - I just hope that they're able to start finding the positive!

angiekdz · January 2015

All I can recommend is that you let him know that you love him and want the best for him. One of my family members was addicted to pain killers for a long while and until he decided to stop, there was nothing anyone could say to change him. If this is something serious like alcoholism, he will need to feel support from someone who is not judgemental. I hope and pray that this was just a poor decision from an adult who was acting more like a college kid. Maybe this will be a wakeup call for him. Either way, he probably already realizes that he made a poor decision. So sorry you are dealing with this. Praying for wisdom for you.

lexyandcliff · January 2015

I'm sorry be supportive. My cousin was just hospitalized for cirrhosis at 38. It was a axart calll to receive. I didnt even know his drinking was that bad. I hope this is enough if a wake up call for him to get some help. My cousin will live but he will be dealing with hospital visits weekly for the rest if his life.

Want a personalized experience?

NBR: Family Members and Alcohol

Re: NBR: Family Members and Alcohol

Choose Another Board

Search Boards