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secret marriage

needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
in Blended Families
This might be confusing so bear with me.

I have a child from an abusive relationship. He was physically and mental abusive to both myself and our child. I was able to get out and we have a protection from abuse. He is wanted because of skipping his court date for being behind of child support.

Now, I am with my boyfriend. We recently had another baby and we bought a house together. My child sees my boyfriend as dad since he hasn't had a father figure in his life. We plan on one day getting married. But we want to have an engagement and a formal wedding.

Here's what we've been debating on. In our state, we have to be married for at least a year for my boyfriend to adopt my child. We have been going back and forth on getting legally married now and not telling anyone so we will be able to get engaged in due time. He has a ring on payments and is waiting for the right moment so it's romantic.

Is it right of us to do that? We want to get the year wait over with just in case anything should happen to me.
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Re: secret marriage

  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    I think you should do whatever is best for you.  Don't worry about other people.  However I did attend a "wedding" reception which was held after the couples actual wedding and it was fairly anti climatic as there was not ceremony and in addition it just looked bad that they cared enough to invite us to a reception and get gifts but not to allow us to attend the actual nuptials.
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  • lookame3639lookame3639 member
    I can understand your want to get married and get your kiddo adopted asap but why do a secret marraige then "get engaged" and have a "wedding"? You should live up to getting married. You can do a later vowel renewal or you can do a smaller wedding event.

    ultimately it's your choice what you do. You just may run into a few people who are less than appreciative to be invited to an event asyou are describing(or as the knot calls it...a pretty princess day...a wedding after the real wedding took place)
    IAmPregnant Ticker}
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  • needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
    We'd only be legally getting married. No vows or anything. It wouldn't be the spiritual aspect at all. My boyfriend already has a ring on hold and is making payments. I have family far away and won't be able to make it out on short notice. We wish we could wait but I'm afraid my child's biological father might try something or something might happen to me and my boyfriend would lose all rights to see my child.
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  • needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
    needsadvice22 said:

    We'd only be legally getting married. No vows or anything. It wouldn't be the spiritual aspect at all. My boyfriend already has a ring on hold and is making payments. I have family far away and won't be able to make it out on short notice. We wish we could wait but I'm afraid my child's biological father might try something or something might happen to me and my boyfriend would lose all rights to see my child.

    Also, we'd want to bring the success of the adoption during the actual ceremony/reception.

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  • needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
    dmndsr4eva said:

    I think you should do whatever is best for you.  Don't worry about other people.  However I did attend a "wedding" reception which was held after the couples actual wedding and it was fairly anti climatic as there was not ceremony and in addition it just looked bad that they cared enough to invite us to a reception and get gifts but not to allow us to attend the actual nuptials.

    We'd be doing a church ceremony before the reception. So it's not like no one's allowed when we actually get married, just not for the signing of the paper work that makes it legal. I wouldn't even be changing my last name until we officially get married.
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  • needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
    lookame3639 said:

    I can understand your want to get married and get your kiddo adopted asap but why do a secret marraige then "get engaged" and have a "wedding"? You should live up to getting married. You can do a later vowel renewal or you can do a smaller wedding event.

    ultimately it's your choice what you do. You just may run into a few people who are less than appreciative to be invited to an event asyou are describing(or as the knot calls it...a pretty princess day...a wedding after the real wedding took place)

    There is no such thing as a small wedding on my boyfriend's side of the family. If we don't invite all his cousins, people would feel left out. He has a very large family.
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  • lookame3639lookame3639 member
    I understand what you are saying and i certainly understand wanting to get married right away. I am just letting you know some of your guests to your spiritual ceremony may feel a little upset since legally you are already married. Also, your guests may be upset to hear you got legally married in secret and then got spiritually married(?) in front of loved ones(they may feel the second wedding is for show).

    Like i said do what you feel is right for you, I'm just pointing out that some may side eye you. either way though once you are legally married you are married, you are his wife and he is your husband. You both get the benefits of being a married couple (insurance, tax breaks, ect) you cant get married and then be engaged and he become your fiance because hes your husband.

    Have you discussed with an attorney about step parent adoption? I think that is a good starting point so you know all the steps you need to take going forward. The state you live may require you to try to establish contact with your ex in case he wants rights. There have been instances (in my case, others on this forum) that even though their ex was/is abusive to us they still have visitation and rights to their children. The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to seek legal advice, even if it's just a free consult.
    IAmPregnant Ticker}
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  • FinallyHappy84FinallyHappy84 member
    I agree with PPs, your guests may be upset you did the legal marriage in secret. But again you need to do what you feel is best for you and your family.
    Also if you don't plan on changing your name at the time of the legal marriage you may want to look up your state laws. In VA if you choose not to change your name at the time and choose to do it later, you have to do a legal name change and it costs you about $100 plus filing fees and that's without an attorney but your paperwork has been to be correct or it'll be kicked back.
    @lookame3639‌ took the words right out of my mouth. Consult an attorney about step parent adoption and bring all your CO paperwork to the consult so they can give a better idea of your situation.
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  • WahooWahoo member
    I did attend a wedding of a couple who had already married. In their case, they married so the other partner wouldn't be forced to go back to his home country. They got married at city hall with two witnesses. They wanted a "real" wedding in a church with their families present, but needed to pay for their families to travel to the U.S. and knew they would beef to save over several years. Also they paid for their own wedding. They chose to marry on their anniversary. I thought seeing them take their vows was especially beautiful because after several years of married life, they knew what they were getting into! I would tell people the truth about being married and why you made that choice. Friends understand! You can always say you are saving up for the ring and wedding. Just tell people you are doing things in a different order.
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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  • KBowen715KBowen715 member
    I have known plenty of people that have done similar things to what you hve described. I think it is fine and wonderful! It is your life and you must do what is best for YOU. What other people think is their business- not yours. Make it legal and proceed with what you need to do. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out in the linear fairy tale type way we plan- but it doesn't mean we have to miss out on life. Do what makes you happy. If others are put off by you doing what you need to- they can realize it is about you and not them.
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  • needsadvice22needsadvice22 member
    Its
    lookame3639 said:

    I understand what you are saying and i certainly understand wanting to get married right away. I am just letting you know some of your guests to your spiritual ceremony may feel a little upset since legally you are already married. Also, your guests may be upset to hear you got legally married in secret and then got spiritually married(?) in front of loved ones(they may feel the second wedding is for show).

    Like i said do what you feel is right for you, I'm just pointing out that some may side eye you. either way though once you are legally married you are married, you are his wife and he is your husband. You both get the benefits of being a married couple (insurance, tax breaks, ect) you cant get married and then be engaged and he become your fiance because hes your husband.

    Have you discussed with an attorney about step parent adoption? I think that is a good starting point so you know all the steps you need to take going forward. The state you live may require you to try to establish contact with your ex in case he wants rights. There have been instances (in my case, others on this forum) that even though their ex was/is abusive to us they still have visitation and rights to their children. The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to seek legal advice, even if it's just a free consult.

    My ex is court ordered to have no contact with myself or our child. We talked to a lawyer already. We have a strong case, but can't do anything until we are married. He has a warrant out for him and is looking at several years in jail if he's caught any time soon.
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  • hopankahopanka member
    Do it however you wish. You don't owe anyone any explanations. We had a big wedding in Europe for my side of the family, along with a catholic ceremony, even though we had legally married in Vegas about 4 months prior. Just the two of us. It was fine, and except for my parents, nobody knew about the Vegas thing.
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  • HoolyGoHoolyGo member
    I don't think you'd owe anyone an explanation, especially not those that are not your nearest and dearest. However, if you were a close friend or family member of mine I'd be confused and perhaps a little hurt if you didn't tell me what was really going on. I'm one of those people that doesn't like the idea of people getting married and then throwing a huge party later, but even if understand and support a situation like this if you told me why.
    someecards.com - North Carolina: Where you can marry your cousin. Just not your gay cousin.
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  • riamarie24riamarie24 member
    I think you need to do what's best for you and your family, so get married now if that's what you want. And if you want to have a wedding to share with your family, then do that to. Only you know what is best for you and what makes the most sense for your family. Be happy that you find someone who loves you and your son. I think that's worth celebrating twice ☺️
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    What are your state laws about your husband adopting the child? Depending on your location, you may have to give the father notice of some sort. If you haven't checked into the legalities of the adoption yet....I highly recommend it.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • mommav83mommav83 member
    +just+j+ said:

    What are your state laws about your husband adopting the child? Depending on your location, you may have to give the father notice of some sort. If you haven't checked into the legalities of the adoption yet....I highly recommend it.

    I second this. I would consult with a lawyer first. It is a long drawn out process if the biological parent isn't on bored and if he's dangerous all the more reason to get all your ducks in a row first before making such a huge decision. I realize the reasoning behind it and applaud you for leaving him that takes a lot of courage but get all of the facts before making this decision.
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