Help! Navigating family relationships

katehenton623 · December 2014

Hello Ladies!

So here is the situation. I didn't realize how interesting family relationships were going to get when I got pregnant. My mom and husband are both pretty possessive people. They actually have extremely similar personalities and there has been a kind of possessive tug of war ever since we got married. Sometimes it feels like divorce custody agreements all over again.
I have been really sick with morning/ all the time sickness and my mother has proposed a plan to bring me to her house and take care of me for a week because I have been worried about nutrient intake and hydration. My hubby works full time so most of the day it's just me and my pal the morning sickness. My mom wants to take care of me and my hubby says it's up to me, but if I go he is going to say later that he just wants me to rely on him to take care of me and to be my support and not run to my mom. I have said that I would go but didn't sleep all night because of the stress because I don't want him to feel like I don't rely on him, and I don't want my mom to feel like I don't need her. I really think this plan could work and be good for the baby, but what is it going to do to the delicate relationship balance? Has anyone had a similar family situation?

kcebeling · December 2014

If you're married, you should stay at home unless your husband is away for several days and you are too ill to take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with your mom visiting you during the day, but taking you home for a week to infantilize you? That could indicate an unhealthy relationship with your mom. You might need to deal with her being upset and politely declining her offer. She is a big girl and can handle it; if she can't, she has bigger problems that she needs to work out. Also, get an Rx for Zofran. It is an anti-nausea that is safe to take during pregnancy and that could alleviate your problem.

divinemsbee · December 2014

I feel like you need to set yourself up as an adult in the eyes of your mom. It feels, from what you've said, like she still sees you as a kid, not as a grown woman who is married and about to become a mother. Not setting boundaries will only make things harder for you in the future, especially when it comes to you and your H wanting to have your own ideas about how you want to raise your kids. Do it now, or it blows up later.

I would not go. I'm a grown woman who can take care of herself. If the MS is so bad that you can keep nothing down and/or are vomiting fluids and/or you can't do anything, speak to your doctor, there are several medications they can try to make you feel more human. First tri is a eat what you can when you can situation. If your mom wanted to, say, bring some food by your house or do something with you during the day, I think that's a good compromise. But I wouldn't be decamping to my mom's house because I was sick.

I get where your H is coming from, you two are supposed to be making your own family and that's hard when you're running to mommy. You say he's possessive, which is a red flag to me, but from what you've said about him, he just wants to have a marriage with two people in it (could be wrong, but 'don't run to your mom, I want to take care of you' isn't an awful thing to say). Have you and your mom been on your own for a lot of your life? It seems like she's trying to keep you as hers, when you aren't anymore. You're your own person. You need to tell her that you appreciate what she wants to do for you, but you need to handle things for yourself and give your H a chance to do something instead of going to her because it's easier.

+lisamarie+ · December 2014

All I can do is echo what pp's have said!! If you are that sick and cannot care for yourself, then you need to speak with your Dr about getting on some meds. There is no reason to have to go to your mother's house for a week to have her care for you, especially if she is available to come check on you during the day at your house.

Lalala2326 · December 2014

Agree with PPs, and this is likely going to sound very harsh. As an adult I have never, ever considered having my mom take care of me for a week for any reason let alone morning sickness. Maybe if I were like completely incapacitated because of surgery or something maybe, but even when I had my c-section I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and did just fine with my husband helping out with our daughter.

As others said, if you are really that concerned about your nutrition/hydration then you need to talk to your doctor. Otherwise, you need to put your big girl pants on and take care of yourself cause in less than 9 months there is going to be a little baby depending on you. You are going to have to learn very quickly how to take care of yourself so you can take care of him/her. I'm honestly just kinda shaking my head at this whole post. Quit deciding whether to let your mom or your husband baby you and grow up.

katehenton623 · December 2014

Thank you for your responses. She is three hours away so not close enough to check in at all. I am the oldest of seven with a terminally ill sister so she didn't do a lot of caring for me like she did for the others. I was actually sent to college at 16 so I could have a life other than being the second mother in our family so it's not like I was babied by anyone. I think this is partially guilt over that and remembering what it was like for her to have no one when she was pregnant and not wanting that for me.

I do appreciate the input. Thanks ladies!

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