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BM coming over on Christmas

Doubletrouble12Doubletrouble12 member
in Blended Families
How would you feel about BM coming to your house for Christmas morning?  

A little background, This is the 5th Christmas I've been with my DH. He had 2 DDs from a previous
marriage. We now have twin DDs together. My SDs mom has came over the past 4 years we have
been together to watch them open presents from my husband and I.  Last year I was irritated and let it slide, bc
I don't like causing conflict. This year I'm once again annoyed with the idea. I feel like why should she come to our
house on Christmas to watch them open the presents from us?? This year I told DH I wasn't really okay with it and I felt
like it irritated him.  

How would you handle it?
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Re: BM coming over on Christmas

  • blush64blush64 member
    Honestly if it bothers you maybe it would be a good time to start a different tradition. That being said it would not be fair to say she can not come over but she also can never have them for a Christmas morning on her own. (unless she is unfit) Maybe this year they could be at her house for Christmas morning if it has been at your house for the last 4 years. (again if she is fit) They could wake up at her house and she would not miss anything. I guess it might be difficult for your husband if he does not want to lose time either.

    I am not sure how I would feel if it were me. It would depend on many things. The first year my ex and I split up he was included in our family events. (and he was not a good person) If he had received help with his issues and not vanished from our lives he would have still been welcome.
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  • hopankahopanka member
    It seems like you just started minding it last year. Why? It also seems like you are the only one who is bothered by it. Majority wins. Plus, do it for the girls. Just because you decided it irritated you all of a sudden, doesn't mean you have to ruin Christmas for everyone else, especially the children. The holidays are for them mainly anyway.
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  • Doubletrouble12Doubletrouble12 member
    hopanka said:
    It seems like you just started minding it last year. Why? It also seems like you are the only one who is bothered by it. Majority wins. Plus, do it for the girls. Just because you decided it irritated you all of a sudden, doesn't mean you have to ruin Christmas for everyone else, especially the children. The holidays are for them mainly anyway.


    It started bothering me a few years ago after we got married and had children together.  I'm not the one to cause drama so I just went with the flow. But every year it's aggravating spending Christmas morning with your husband's ex wife. When that is supposed to be family time. It's basically the only way they can spend Christmas morning at our house, if she's there.  I think that's why he lets it continue, it's just frustrating. 

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  • hopankahopanka member
    Doubletrouble12 said:


    hopanka said:

    It seems like you just started minding it last year. Why? It also seems like you are the only one who is bothered by it. Majority wins. Plus, do it for the girls. Just because you decided it irritated you all of a sudden, doesn't mean you have to ruin Christmas for everyone else, especially the children. The holidays are for them mainly anyway.



    It started bothering me a few years ago after we got married and had children together.  I'm not the one to cause drama so I just went with the flow. But every year it's aggravating spending Christmas morning with your husband's ex wife. When that is supposed to be family time. It's basically the only way they can spend Christmas morning at our house, if she's there.  I think that's why he lets it continue, it's just frustrating. 



    So, why can't she have a Christmas morning with her children?
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  • dannie2011dannie2011 member
    So she is saying your husband can't see the kids Christmas morning unless she is there? So she basically is blackmailing him. 

    Is there a court order detailing the visitation for the Holiday, if not it's time to get one?  She is over stepping, this is not something your husband started doing out of generosity he just didn't want to rock the boat. He needs to man up.

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  • blush64blush64 member
    It is a different situation if she is only allowing the kids to come over if she is there too. If that is what is going on I would do as PP suggested and get things done legally so holidays and other time is split fairly, (fairly in the children's best interest)

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  • Doubletrouble12Doubletrouble12 member
    hopanka said:
    hopanka said:
    It seems like you just started minding it last year. Why? It also seems like you are the only one who is bothered by it. Majority wins. Plus, do it for the girls. Just because you decided it irritated you all of a sudden, doesn't mean you have to ruin Christmas for everyone else, especially the children. The holidays are for them mainly anyway.


    It started bothering me a few years ago after we got married and had children together.  I'm not the one to cause drama so I just went with the flow. But every year it's aggravating spending Christmas morning with your husband's ex wife. When that is supposed to be family time. It's basically the only way they can spend Christmas morning at our house, if she's there.  I think that's why he lets it continue, it's just frustrating. 

    So, why can't she have a Christmas morning with her children

    This is her week with them so she will have them for all of the Christmas festivities, we just wanted some time with them on Christmas to open gifts on Christmas Day. Last year they woke up Christmas morning, she came over - they opened gifts from us and Santa then they left with her. That's not really fair to them to not even enjoy the gifts. 
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  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    So you have a court order that says BM gets even single christmas and in order to see the girls you DH has BM come over?

    OR there is no court order and this is all negotiated?

    If it bothers you so much you should revise the CO or get a CO if you don't have one that alternates holidays which I thought was pretty standard.
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  • SueBearSueBear member

    So if this is BM's year and the deal is that she must be part of the package of the girls coming over for Christmas morning....

    What happens next Christmas?  Does your DH get the kids, and invites her over (so that she will do him the favor next year)? 

    I don't know about plans for this late date - 5 days before Christmas - but I would say make it clear to your H that this is the LAST Christmas that this will happen.  BM is no longer invited to your house for Christmas.  I DO NOT think that having BM over is "for the girls" or that "majority wins - everyone wants BM over" BM is an ex, and part of divorce / breakups is that children spend holidays away from their parents.

    If there is no CO, then your H needs to create one.  If the CO says that BM gets the kids every Christmas, this needs to be changed.  If the CO says they alternate, then your H and BM will have to learn how to alternate.  Yes, it is sad that you won't get to spend each Christmas morning with the girls, but that is how life works in blended families.  You are entitled to have a Christmas without your H's ex every year. 

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  • twister22twister22 member
    What is your normal visitation time like with the SKs? How old are they? Do you guys have a CO?

    I think it is perfectly reasonable to not want to spend your Christmas time with BM. I know I wouldn't want to spend 12/25 with BD, even if it was the only way I could see BD. Christmas is whenever YOU choose to celebrate it. One year an emergency happened in my family and so we moved our Christmas celebrations by a day. The kids didn't know the difference, and honestly, neither did the adults.

    Did your husband even ask BM about having the kids alone? How long ago did you bring this up to him this year? I would ask BM if you guys can have some alone time with the SKs on 12/25. If she says no, ask when she is willing to let you have the kids; 12/24? 12/26? 12/27? Whenever you have SKs you can make that your personal family celebration.

    I think you definitely need to get a CO/amend your CO so that the holidays are fairly split.

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  • WahooWahoo member
    Hellz to the NO!  

    I agree with PP - he is irritated because now he has to man up and put his wife first, instead of being "mr. nice guy" to his ex.  Divorce happens for a reason.

    It may take your SDs a bit of time to adjust, but this is NOT something that happens in most divorced households, so don't feel bad.  You have been a saint for 4 years, and now that it is bothering you, it needs to end.
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  • misscarter87misscarter87 member
    Hell no u shouldve been put a stop to this long time ago...no way at all would i alllow bm to our house on christmas morn to watch the kids open up gifts this is crazy...please explain how u feel and stop this..this is crazy..maybe some way bm and dh can both meet up to see the kids on christmas one have the kids the morning then the other have them that nite but no as far as her coming over to my house to see them open up gifts no no no
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  • cole2144cole2144 member
    Update?
    No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
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  • misscarter87misscarter87 member
    Any update? @Doubletrouble12‌
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  • FinallyHappy84FinallyHappy84 member
    I'm glad everything went well and you were able to have the family time like you wanted. :)
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  • misscarter87misscarter87 member
    @Doubletrouble12‌ great to hear that everything worked out good so glad u did speak up on it!!
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    I think you made a poor choice in allowing this in the first place.  If it has been going on for 4-5 years I don't see how you can all of the sudden change it.  In the first place your H should have done like most every other divorced couple does and share the holidays.  One  of us gets DS on Christmas Eve and one on Christmas Day.  We are probably going to alternate every year.  We are fairly flexible at this point so we can discuss options but Christmas morning with BD and his GF does not sound like fun for anyone.
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