Does anyone else have a DH who doesn't feel he can be supportive in the way I may need for labor?

bouchaee · December 2014

I'm an FTM. My DH is very supportive and wants me to have whatever I feel I need. He is excited for the baby, but labor and delivery is very scary to him. He doesn't think he'll be able to be there for me the way I might need. I'm thinking about hiring a doula, but I was just wondering if anyone has a similar situation with her DH.

Stephij1 · December 2014

I do. My problem is sort of the opposite of yours, but with the same result. My hubby really wants to help and he's not scared. He's a medical student and has almost zero free time. His help is going to be limited to what he can learn from a few youtube videos and whatever I can convey to him during labor. I would love to hire a doula, but the other side of the med student thing is that we have an incredibly tight budget.

LauraFound · December 2014

It's normal that he's scared and intimidated by labor and delivery: he's a man! I can understand why your first instinct is to want him involved in the process, but you might want to consider the possibility that he may not be the best person to help you.

We owe a lot to the feminist movement, but its ideology has led to plenty of anomalies when it comes to the birthing process. At some point we forgot that birthing is an inherently female affair and has been throughout history (it's not called a "mid-husband"). We started expecting fathers to be not only present at birth, but engaged in the process, when in reality, there just isn't a lot they can do, and often their anxiety is detrimental to the process.

The French obstetrician and physiological birth advocate Michel Odent (a man, ironically) has written about the question in Midwifery Today, and the question has since received a fair amount of attention from midwives and others.

By all means, hire a doula or a midwife and allow your husband to support you in other ways, before and after the birth. But don't expect anything from him during the process. Some men deal with birth just fine, but if he has already let you know he is anxious, I would suggest taking the pressure off and telling him he only needs to be a silent, distant observer of the process, if even that.

bouchaee · December 2014

Your responses are much appreciated. I am in grad school, too, so our budget is quite tight as well. I have a midwife, whom I'll be seeing this week. So I'll discuss further with her how she'll really be involved and investigate more into whether or not a doula is the right way to go. The hospital might have a volunteer doula, which would be really useful. Thanks again!

catladymeow · December 2014

My husband has said that if it were socially acceptable, he'd be the guy that just sits in the waiting room drinking scotch and smoking cigars. He's going to be in the room with me, but the idea of birth makes him really uneasy. We live far away from our families so I don't have anyone else to be my support person, so I hired a doula. Everyone I have talked to said it's definitely money well spent if you can swing it. If you can find a volunteer doula even better!

emmojess · December 2014

My husband had prepared to be the best support person possible. He read up on relaxation techniques, labor positions, etc. We were first time parents so I had envisioned this beautiful birth that connected me to my husband and became this firm family foundation. But when I was in labor, his every touch was irritating, every suggestion was wrong. I only wanted my midwives. I really drew my strength from them. My husband was fabulous, making sure I stayed hydrated,but I could tell the experience was a little intense for him. In the final hour or so of pushing, I did lean into him so we were in contact when our son arrived, which was very special. But up until then, no amount of education had prepared him (us) for the challenge. Don't let your husband be discouraged! Even with the intention of providing every kind of support, my husband's role was really to step back and let the midwives do their thing. And that was enough!

JCWhitey · December 2014

I had my husband take all of my hypnobirthing classes with me and he said he felt prepared, but when it really came down to it he just wasn't. He had worked a VERY long day the day before I went into labor, had only gotten two hours of sleep, and generally doesn't function well with that little sleep. He was overwhelmed and forgetful and it was really annoying me, so I ended up kicking him out of the labor room for a while. He took a nap and when it came time to push was way more capable of being involved.

Luckily, I had my mom there and she was amazing. Very much played the role of my doula and I am beyond grateful to have her. If she wasn't there I'm not sure my labor would have been quite as calm and successful. Or at least I would want to hire a doula!

This time I've flat out told DH that if I go into labor in the middle of the night again I won't let him come with me until he's had some sleep. We'll make sure he's there for the actual birth, but I know he is more of a hindrance in labor than he is a help in that condition. I love the man and he is a GREAT father, but in labor he's just lost!

Kaelynn91 · December 2014

Birth is just as scary for men as it is for women. My husband was terrified when I went into labor for the first time. We had read books together and gone through all of the classes, but those can never prepare you for what it is really like. In the end, I didn't really need my husband to do much. Simply being there for me, holding my hand, and rubbing my back was enough. He just did what came naturally in the moment and that was perfect!

Just tell him that being there for you is all you are expecting. Remind him that he doesn't have to do everything perfectly. He just has to make you feel secure.

Leahch22 · December 2014

My DH isn't too excited about actively participating in the birthing process either, but he will be in the room and I am hoping he steps-up to the plate if I need him. I'll have at least one of my sisters there as well. My parents had 9 kids and my dad tried to stay in the labor room for the 1st and the 9th and passed out both times, causing all of the medical staff to pay more attention to reviving him than my mom. Some men just can't handle labor no matter how hard they try so I think it's best if you look for a back-up that can give you the support you need.

Do you have a mom, sisters or good girl friends that would be willing to be there with you during labor and are willing to study-up on how to best support you and are aligned with your labor plans? They are a lot cheaper than a doula, though a doula will know what she is doing. Good luck!

SSCmomma · January 2015

I have a DH a bit like that. He is an exceptional husband but was raised in a family that was somewhat reserved and didn't exactly discuss things "girl stuff". He is admittedly nervous about being there during the birth because his knowledge of the subject is limited to what you'd see on an episode of "Friends". We did do a birthing class so I think it helped him see some of the realities but I fear he will panic when it's ME in all that pain. Long story short, we did hire a doula. Her goal is to be support for BOTH of us. She has helped me explain to him what will happen and what I will likely need from him. I may now be facing a very "unnatural" birth and alot of the things I had hoped to utilize the doula for (such as laboring at home) aren't going to happen. I'm glad he will have the support though.

jennypolkadots · January 2015

I would definitely look into a doula. It will help both of you be more confident about your birth. The doula will not push him aside, but rather help him know how to comfort you when you need it.

Aside from that, I think it would be great for your husband to learn as much as he can about birth beforehand so he can recognize what is normal. It can be really startling to see your wife in pain or saying things like "I can't do this!" if he didn't know that it is a normal part of the process. If he is unprepared, he can end up feeling very helpless in that situation. Watch birth videos together and get him some resources so he can know as much as you do about the birth process. My husband has liked the book "The Expectant Father" and "Natural Birth the Bradley Way".

trudytudy · January 2015

I gave birth med free without a doula, didn't want a doula, and I just gave my husband pointers one the books I read. I was nervous he would suck but he did really well. He knows me best and I was so glad to have him there umm...taking orders, haha! Just communicate ahead of time and he might impress you with his support. It might not hurt to have a backup in the waiting room if you're worried, like a close friend or relative.

TwinsCitiesMomma · January 2015

You can ask your hospital/OB if there are any doula centers out there. Then, you can contact them to see if they have any volunteer or training doulas. My MIL was just certified as a doula a couple of months ago and is currently volunteering at a birthing center. She is dying to be in a live birth but so far has just been a back up and no one has called yet. Point to the story- do a little research to see if there are any doulas needing some training hours in your area.

Good luck!

jinnymb · January 2015

I would hire a doula or find some sort of birth support. My DH is an amazing birth coach/partner and our last birth we had two of my friends who are natural birth pros come serve as "doulas". It was the absolute best experience. They took care of me an him and as a team I had the most amazing birth. We are having them come again for this baby.

See if you can find someone who has been through it to assist, someone interested in becoming a doula, or an doula in training. Even a nosy friend that really wants to see you succeed and will do all the prep with you guys. You need confidence and poise to get you through.

jezica125 · January 2015

TwinsCitiesMomma said:
You can ask your hospital/OB if there are any doula centers out there. Then, you can contact them to see if they have any volunteer or training doulas. My MIL was just certified as a doula a couple of months ago and is currently volunteering at a birthing center. She is dying to be in a live birth but so far has just been a back up and no one has called yet. Point to the story- do a little research to see if there are any doulas needing some training hours in your area.

Good luck!

Where is your MIL volunteering? I'm due Feb 13th and still looking for a doula. I'm in Mn btw

TwinsCitiesMomma · January 2015

jezica125 said:

TwinsCitiesMomma said:
You can ask your hospital/OB if there are any doula centers out there. Then, you can contact them to see if they have any volunteer or training doulas. My MIL was just certified as a doula a couple of months ago and is currently volunteering at a birthing center. She is dying to be in a live birth but so far has just been a back up and no one has called yet. Point to the story- do a little research to see if there are any doulas needing some training hours in your area.

Good luck!
Where is your MIL volunteering? I'm due Feb 13th and still looking for a doula. I'm in Mn btw

She is with Woodwinds in Woodbury and just had her first birth doula experience last Friday.

You can also go to www.DONA.com or www.doulamatch.net. Or ask nearby hospitals if they have any doulas in training that are doing volunteer births.

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Does anyone else have a DH who doesn't feel he can be supportive in the way I may need for labor?

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