Family time with ex?

nata1111 · October 2014

Hi all, I just wanted to get some opinions on 'family time.' I have been with my bf for 5 years. He has a 7 yr old with his ex wife. They were married for about a year, if that. How frequent should family time be? Do you think it is a healthy part of a divorced couple's relationship? I don't have any kids or an ex husband so I don't have these same situations. To be honest, I don't think it is normal at all for her to be wanting so much family time. She wants to plan all this time together with them on the days my bf has his son and they end up being days that I am there. I don't want to spend time with his ex. She doesn't have many friends and she is single. I really think she wants this together time because she wants to feel like she is still in a relationship. I understand she will always be my bf's son's mother and she will always be in the picture. But how much is too much?

hopanka · October 2014

Has this been the norm for the last five years? I don't think it's unhealthy, per se, if it's respectful and friendly and no boundaries are crossed. What does your SO think of this arrangement? I can't really offer an opinion without more background and examples how this usually plays out.

nata1111 · October 2014

I completely agree with you @littlefoote‌! It doesn't happen all the time, but often enough. For example she wants the 3 of them to go to a pumpkin patch this weekend. Last weekend she tried to get them to go to the zoo but we already had plans. I am kind of ok with every few months if they get together to talk about their son's progress in school and his behavior but it doesn't need to be a monthly thing. It's like she forgets they are divorced. You lose that family stuff when the divorce happens. My bf knows it upsets me so he doesn't get together with her as often as she requests it. Then she blames me. Ugh... She is a piece of work. This is the only touchy part of my relationship with my bf. so I have been trying to just run with it.

hopanka · October 2014

Well, it seems pretty often, but if this is how it's been for the last few years you've been with him, you've probably figured out how their arrangement works. If he is ok with her scheduling joint functions and only doesn't go sometimes to pacify you, then you don't have a problem with her, but with him. He certainly could have told her a long time ago that he wasn't comfortable with her doing that, but from your post that doesn't seem like the case. You say he does know it upsets you, but again, he has not done anything to set boundaries. That's not his ex's fault. He has a relationship with you and should take you into consideration, she does not. So, if this is not working for you, you need to be upfront with him about what you want.

Ilumine · October 2014

I need to know exactly how often you are talking about and more importantly, WHAT they are doing before I can answer you.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

If they are just doing random things like going to the zoo, church, etc. then I would say that is a little odd. What is normal is both of them attending his games, his school functions, his doctor's appointments, his birthday party, both taking him trick o treating, etc. I think it is fairly common these days for both parents to be around for important events in the child's life. However just hanging out on a random Saturday or going out to dinner for no reason, etc would be too much for a divorced couple in my opinion.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

I just read your response. Yes, what you are describing seems too much. If they wanted to do family stuff together every weekend they should have stayed married. Your BF should be going to pumpkin patches with YOU and his son on the weekends. Not leaving you at home and going out with his exwife.

You definitely have a problem on your hands in my opinion. Now if you went along and she brought her significant other too than I guess it would be an improvement.

But like I said there will still be a lot of times where all of you are together for the kid's school functions, etc. But you should be welcome at all of those events as his significant other.

nata1111 · October 2014

Thank you to everybody for your thoughts. I think if his ex had an SO, it wouldn't be like this. She doesn't have much to do on her days without her son so she tries to set up this crazy family time. I agree that they should share in the important events that their son has. But, dinner on a Tuesday night isn't one of those important events. She lives very close to where my bf picks up his son after work on Mondays and Tuesdays. So it is a bit too convenient for them to grab dinner. I have no ill feelings for his ex. She is who she is and will always be the mother of my bf's son. But I wish she would understand that this is all not normal. They have a smart kid. He knows that his parents are divorced, he has never known it to be otherwise because they split so soon. She is trying to hang on to something that never was. She wants to establish 'traditions' and show their son a 'good example.' She needs to set up her own traditions with her son and set a good example on her own with her son.

I could go on and on, but I won't. I don't know how it is to be divorced with a child. I do know though that she is pushing the limits a bit. I love my bf and I don't see this as being a deal breaker for me. But, if we ever get married, he better be having dinner with me on Tuesday nights.

amieeyoung · November 2014

Yeah, it sounds like too much- now attending school events, extracurricular activities, having joint bday parties etc. is fairly normal. Dinner night with ex and son is not.... Sounds like a boundaries problem.

Wahoo · November 2014

I think that this "family" time is going to end up very confusing and hurtful to your bf's son. Divorce means you are no longer a family. Yes, they will always have a son that they share, but divorce means that mommy and daddy each have their own time.

IMO your BF doesn't have the b*lls to stand up to his ex and do what is best for his son. He sounds either co-dependent or clueless. Neither is a great thing to be when his son is going to be the one hurt by this. And add to that - his son is going to learn it's ok to have a long term girl friend, but still go on "dates" (dinner) with your ex girlfriend/wife? No, that is not cool.

You've been with this guy for five years. There are better guys (and better fathers) out there.

shelbutler · November 2014

This is the weirdest shit I've ever heard. They aren't together. She shouldn't keep pretending they are. That is misleading to the child. I understanding attending functions together - hell, MAYBE EVEN a joint birthday party if they can get along that well - but putting on a smile and pretending it's okay when it's over is just lunatic to me.

JennyH81 · December 2014

There needs to be a clear boundary between your BF and TM, especially for the child. It would be terribly confusing to have it seem like your mom and dad are happy and love hanging out, yet aren't married and dad has a gf. Likely they are harboring a fantasy that their parents will get back together, and if you get married and put the last nail in the coffin for that issue there will probably be problems. Plus, it is frankly disrespectful to you - he divorced her and is with you now - he needs to respect you by not spending unnecessary time with his ex and also set an example for his child that you are to be respected as his gf. My DH and TM only spend time together at school functions, etc. One time SS did want to have a group dinner with TM, SF, DH, and me (then his gf) because he was really excited for his mom to meet me. Awkward is an understatement. Would not do it again.

o_so_in_love · December 2014

Maybe you should start scheduling family time often enough that if she brings up something you will already have plans

. However, if this is something they have been doing for the child's entire seven years, even though you have been with your bf for five years, and you are only recently trying to change things, you are going to be seen as the bad guy.

+just+j+ · December 2014

Thats too much. My ex wanted to do this. he sometimes calls me family. I am not his family anymore. For good reason.

These types of things should occur on very rare occassions and should be for events that center around the child - like her concerts, or throwing her a sweet 16 party, her graduation, and her wedding. Not a zoo trip or hang out time. If your SO/DH is not ending this, I would reconsider the relationship.

misscarter87 · December 2014

@nata1111‌ any update yet, i agree with pp i think this is absolutely crazy. They are not together so shouldnt be spending time as a family. Your bf needs to put a stop to this and explain it to her

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