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MIL at u/s -this is a long one

buppydups10buppydups10 member
in May 2015 Moms
my DH invited his mother along to my next u/s. It was a misunderstanding between him and I so I can't be mad at him for it. We invited my mom to our 12 week scan, and a few days later when we were visiting the ILs we brought over our pics. She asked if my mom had gone (she has all boys and knows I'm very close to my mom, so it wasn't an out of the ordinary question) and I said yes. She said oh maybe I can go to the next one. In my mind, I immediately thought NO but smiled and brushed it off. So fast forward to our 20wk u/s. Just DH and I, but I have to go back because baby wouldn't flip over enough to get a proper spinal cord measurement. DH says maybe that would be a good one for my mom to go to. I say uh maybe! And before I know it, he texted her and told her. I was livid at first, but I know it was a miscommunication so I can't expect him to read my mind and know what I was really thinking, but this is what makes me so angry about it ... It's not going to be super comfortable for me to sit there with my shirt up pants halfway down while she is in the room. Second, she has grandchild who are little and has never asked to go to their u/s apts, so why mine? She also is the one to question every single thing I've said about this pregnancy. I tell her the baby is measuring big and she says "no that's not true babies are born all different sizes" and when we found out at a 3d scan the sex (it's a boy!) she told us "no. I don't believe you. I'll believe it at 20 weeks. You don't know yet". She also had a VERY difficult DIL (BIL wife) and always kisses her ass and will inconvince me for her since I'm the easy one... So there's that issue.

Ok here's where it gets complicating. DH and I were out with his whole family this weekend since BIL was in town and we got into a huge blow up fight in front of everyone. DH was drinking with his brothers (there are 4 of them and they never get together so I knew it was going to be a certain type of night) and got mouthy with me. I'm all about fun and games and joking until disrespect comes across, which it did. I assertively told him excuse me? I don't know who you think you're speaking to like that!! And he got mad. His parents were supposed to stay and bowl and hang out with us but they got all flustered and left, then I left bc I wasn't going to deal with a drunk and fresh DH so let him stay with his brothers. The thing that pisses me off about this is that his mother didn't say anything about it. Here I am, the pregnant wife, driving them all around and she (and FIL) think that's an ok way to talk to me. Then they leave all angry. Their son ruined the night, not me. He has apologized for how he spoke to me and can see why the night went as it did and all is ok in our marriage after discussing it. But now I feel even MORE uncomfortable having MIL there. She never mentioned the apt during the holidays or this weekend, and it's an 8am apt an hour from her house.

I want to just let it come and go without having her there. How can I go about that? My body my comfort my rules? Or do I have to just deal with it? DH understands now why I wouldn't want her there so it isn't an issue between us. He does feel bad for putting me in this situation.

Thanks all!
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Re: MIL at u/s -this is a long one

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    christieb27christieb27 member

    That's a tough one!

    I think if she has already been invited and you haven't said anything to her by now you might need to let her go. I know that's not want you want to hear, I would just fear that if you asked her not to go now that may cause more problems for you.


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    lgsdesignerlgsdesigner member
    edited December 2014
    If you really didn't want her to go in the first place, why did you just smile and brush it off? I would have told her then that you would prefer the a/s to just be between you and your DH. 
    That being said-- you can't go back in time, and what's done is done. Since you told your DH "maybe" about his mother going (another mixed signal), and he already told her she could, I say let her go.

    As far as feeling self-conscious about your belly/pants pulled down in the u/s, remember they generally turn all the lights down or off during u/s appts, so she won't see anything. She isn't interested in staring at YOU anyway...she just wants to see the baby. I say let her enjoy it and get it over with.

    And your DH being disrespectful to you? Yeah...NO. That doesn't fly. You need to have a sit down with him to make sure that will not ever happen again.
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    nightdreamer98nightdreamer98 member
    I also have someone going to a ultrasound when I'd prefer it just be me and my boyfriend. This one is my fault though because I didn't know how to say no. I agree with the PP that since you didn't ask her it wouldn't be bad for you to see if she brings it up first. And maybe in the future you can be really clear about things like whether or not you are letting her in the delivery room. Sorry that you're going through this.
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    SassyPants150SassyPants150 member
    shmeell25 said:

    I also wanted to add that you're defending your husband a lot, which is fine, but he's the one that put you in all of these situations to begin with. Don't take it out on your MIL because he screwed up.

    Lately, DH has been putting words in my mouth so this strikes a nerve with me too. I'd nip the root of the problem in the ass to start with which a clear yes/no or ask me later. I can about guarantee that it doesn't get any better when your children are actually here. My list of annoyances went to novels after DD was born.

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    buppydups10buppydups10 member
    Thanks everyone I appreciate the feedback. I have been annoyed with MIL for a while now so I'm sure this is the icing on the cake. I am defending DH since I didn't give him a clear signal on the invite - not for how he acted and spoke to me. That's why i left and shot him down real quick. I am a very polite and sweet but no nonsense type girl (and even more straightforward since being pregnant!) but I didn't want to come across rude to MIL when she asked. I guess I thought (or just hoped!) she wouldn't ask again. Ugh.
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    sb184sb184 member
    I would just tell her how you feel and explain why you are uncomfortable with her there. If she doesn't understand then at least you tried. What's more important is that you aren't stressed and that you feel comfortable- it's whats best for you and baby. If she wants what's best for her grandchild then she should understand. I'm sorry you're stuck in this position. I hope you figure it out. I'm glad to hear DH has your back!
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    nogitronnogitron member
    It's always best to speak up and say what you really mean.  People (and especially husbands) are terrible mind readers.  Don't be shy about voicing your opinions and preferences.

    I doubt your MIL will be looking at your belly, she'll likely be glued to the screen, checking out the grandbaby!  See if you can talk her into taking you out for lunch after ;)
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    lgsdesignerlgsdesigner member
    T1green said:
    Also, if she keeps going against everything you're saying as far as how big the baby is and the sex then now is the time to prove her wrong. 
    @T1green- Yeeeeeep. I was just about to add this.
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    FreddyisReadyFreddyisReady member
    I think your expectations for MIL are too high. If she suggests something you are uncomfortable with, speak up! I don't think your answers were mixed signals, I see those as green lights. There is no reason she should interject in a drunk fight between you and DH. I would have excused myself too.

    If you don't want her to go, come clean to her. Tell her you didn't want to be rude, but you would be uncomfortable if she was there. Then apologize for not speaking up sooner.
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    AliceKC9876AliceKC9876 member
    I think you never should have left the door open for this in the first place, but if you don't want her there I would tell your husband that...I guess I'm a bitch because I have no problem telling my in-laws no and being honest with things I'm not okay with so I never understand when people say they can't tell their MIL no. With all my sonograms my pants have been pulled down enough for pubes to be showing so no I would never want MIL in a sonogram with me. I like them to be just me and my husband. If you want to, you can tell her no still but yeah she might be upset.
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    Snapdragon750Snapdragon750 member
    You have to weigh your discomfort with her being there against how hurt she'd be if you uninvited her.
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    buppydups10buppydups10 member
    THANK YOU all, sincerely! That's what's so great about this site, totally unbias and snap back to reality opinions. I will have to allow it and need to work on being very clear next time. I tend to try to save people's feelings but it stresses me out in the end
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    CrystalEve12CrystalEve12 member
    I don't know, maybe I have a different relationship with my MIL, but I wouldn't mind ONE BIT if she wanted to come to the ultrasound. The only time I would consider it uncomfortable would be if I was getting a vaginal one. She definitely won't be in the delivery room. As far as her speaking against everything you say? It's clearly just her personality. I would pick my battles and not let something as simple as her saying you aren't having a boy when you clearly are bother you. As far as her not saying anything about her son's behavior? She's probably disappointed, but he's a grown ass man, and drunk or not he shouldn't speak to you that way. Some of us, ME, would absolutely say something to him and tell him he's being ridiculous, but.. maybe she feels like it isn't her place. I for one, knowing next to nothing about anything else involving your relationship with her, think you're being a little too hard on her. 
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    jwm29jwm29 member
    This is an interesting one...I am very close with my parents but understand that what I include them in, I have to include my ILs in, even if it makes me uncomfortable.

    So, we chose to have just us at our u/s, saying no to my parents and my ILs. It is not a show and tell. These are medical diagnosis tests, period. We scanned and printed photos for all of our son's grandparents but the scans are medical procedures not there for amusement. Maybe you need to remind your and his families that.

    As for the delivery room, I really think my mom can help keep me calm and it's ok with my husband that she be there. So, we are having her but our hospital also has a two person in the room max and we have told our midwife to strictly enforce this...telling family what the black and white rules are got me out of trouble with this one!
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    smurf605smurf605 member
    It's not like he invited her into the delivery room. It's your hubby's baby too and she's excited to see him or her. I guess I can think of worse things, or maybe putting myself in her shoes, since I will have three boys too.

    My two boys are getting a surprise May 2015!

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