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August 2014 Moms
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SOs have all the fun

dvmmommadvmmomma member
in August 2014 Moms
Anyone else feel like that's true? Seems like I'm always the one worrying about and taking care of DD. I know he'd help if I really asked for it but usually it seems easier for me to just do it all. Tonight for example, I'm just sitting here bumping because I had to come home early to get LO to bed. He's still out drinking and swimming (my family has an indoor pool) and I'm totes jealous.

Again, I know he'd help if I asked so I'm not trying to man bash here. I just sometimes wish I wasn't the mommy and that someone else could feed her and get her to bed and tend to her if she wakes up at night.
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Re: SOs have all the fun

  • abnelsen22abnelsen22 member
    Eh, seems like you are kind of doing it to yourself.

    I have strep and my husband has done absolutely everything for the baby for about 48 hours. If I need help, I ask. But he also just helps out. It's his kid too.
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  • MrsLeahBentleyMrsLeahBentley member
    I know what you mean. We had people over Christmas night; he was able to let loose and have a good time and I felt like I couldn't have more than a glass of wine or two because god forbid I let the kitchen get dirty so I would have to clean it in the morning instead. Or what if the baby woke up? (Which he did, several times). I'm the worrying type though. Not necessarily uptight, but I do like order and these days having fun (like I used to, or how DH does) doesn't coincide with many of my daily tasks.

    I think we're in the same-ish boat. If I understand correctly. I just ate a huge slice of mint chocolate cheesecake, so I'm basically in a food coma as I MOTN nurse.
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  • shevaCCshevaCC member
    Things suddenly got a lot more equitable when DS was born. Really when I was very pregnant with DS to be honest. Until there were two kids it was often easier to do everything myself. Of course we both get less downtime.
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  • leanneriversleannerivers member
    I'm totally with you, but I knew it was going to be this way so I'm okay with it. My HB runs his own business so he's always working and out of town. I just told him tonight how I wish he'd help out a bit more! lol. But I'm actually surprised that he's helping out as as much as he does. I think it'll get better as my LO gets older and is not EBF. (She won't take a bottle) but yeah, it totally sucks sometimes! Like when we went to hawaii it was not a vacation at all for me but my HB had all the fun:/
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  • kashock-2kashock-2 member
    I relate to you OP. I get what you mean by not bashing, just stating facts! Made me think of this blog article about the "default parent"

    https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6031128?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
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  • abnelsen22abnelsen22 member
    Yeah, I guess each family just has their way of doing things. My husband nearly always comes home for bedtime with our son. He loves reading books with him and telling him
    good night.

    And then he likes going to bed the same time as me so we are on the same schedule and can spend more time together.

    Neither of us look at it as missing out on anything.
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  • dvmmommadvmmomma member
    I'm glad some of you get it! He definitely has his roles (gets dinner cooked for one thing) and we get plenty of downtime together to enjoy evenings.

    @weeklyplanner‌, if you're ever in the Chicago area, let me know! My gram lives on our family farm and she's the one with the pool! It was 86 degrees in there last night. LO loved it.
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  • kimberlybethhkimberlybethh member

    I can totally sympathize. I'm also the default parent but this is also partially my fault. Sometimes it is just easier to do it myself then to wake DH up or explain what to do. He seems to think whenever DS is fussy that automatically means he is hungry regardless of the last time he has been fed. I have been making more of an effort  to involve him or leave him alone with the kids after I realized that he has never been alone with them for a significant period of time. He appears to feel more confident and I no longer get as annoyed with him so its a win-win :)

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  • belle785belle785 member
    This is true for me sometimes. DH doesn't really go out but he does have a boat and goes out during the work week (he doesn't have a Monday through Friday schedule) when both kids are at daycare. I don't get "days off" like this. I also am nursing and the one who preps all bottles/ solids. Sometimes I feel like I have to write a list for DH if I go out. He is a great parent to both but definitely better with our 3 yr old because they are able to play together. I am thankful he helps at home with other stuff though.

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  • PeedyPeedy member
    We have the opposite problem.. I feel guilty for not doing enough, but I know I do my fair share with the breast feeding. DH has given every bath and does night time every night... And we both don't drink, so I'm not missing out there either.
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  • becominggoldbecominggold member
    Overall I think my DH is a big help...but I normally have to ask. I am only working part time and I don't leave until noon, so I handle almost all night stuff...including this horrible sleep recession. I do have moments when I get frustrated though....like when I go to put the baby to bed and find the sheet taken off and no new one on. Or nights like last night when between chores and getting LO to bed DH has already been sitting in front of the TV for 2 hrs before I can crash. I guess instead if wishing he would initiate more help I just need to ask because he doesn't seem to mind.
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  • dvmmommadvmmomma member
    You've all pretty much described what I've been feeling. I'm definitely a control freak and think my way is the best way. DH is definitely helpful. Every bath we've given her has been a team effort (she loves baths and we both like to just watch her enjoy the water) and he loves feeding her if we give her a bottle but that's super rare as Id rather BF her.
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  • herecomesthesunherecomesthesun member
    H does SO much. He's very hands on and knows without me asking to take over when I'm not well or about to lose it. I can't complain at all. However, I'm still who LO wants most of the time. I totally get it. Mom is usually the default parent.


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  • tamarar5tamarar5 member
    I am also the default parent. Like many, my DH works hard and he tries to help, but he just doesn't think about helping other than changing a diaper when he smells poo. If I wasn't him to do something, I have to ask. And that defeats the pleasantry of "helping."
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    Lilypie - (PaHE) Lilypie - (4noI)

                                   Lilypie - (2q9u)


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  • summerfunxosummerfunxo member
    My DH can't even change a poopy diaper. I made him do it once and he literally threw up everywhere. Doesn't help either that LO screams bloody murder every time he has to watch him. he's helpful in other ways though, and works hard so i can stay at home, so l can't really complain.
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  • mfsunshine222mfsunshine222 member

    OK men are dumb...and when we want something, we need to be honest and ask and they will most likely be more than willing to do it...blah blah blah!  I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK!!!!!!!!   It has been 4 1/2 months since DS was born, I am certainly the default parent, I clean the house, I do the laundry, I cook ALL the food, and I work full-time.  Why can my brain balance all of these tasks and you can't think for yourself, "Oh, maybe I should empty the dishwasher, wash some bottles, vacuum/sweep the floor, give DS a bottle in the middle of the night???"

    Sure DH will get his butt out from in front of the TV and gladly do all of these things if I ask, but that is IMO selfish and ridiculous...he is a grown man, act like it!  I am the mother of a 4 month old, not the mother of a grown man.  I shouldn't have to ask you to do something mundane that keeps your house and life the way you have become accustomed to.

    Sorry...DH and I had a rough night last night so I'm jumping on OP's rant, but I just feel like since DS my life has changed 100% and DH's life has remained virtually unchanged.

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  • gahorseygalgahorseygal member
    I love my husband and know that things will get better but right now it seems like he does nothing with her. He makes more money so in his mind he shouldn't have to do anything else. I also feel that I can get things done faster/easier but what really bothers me is that the rare times I do ask for help 50% of the time he says no.

    I work part time from home and my boss just gave me another role that will give me more hours. I talked to my husband about childcare maybe 2 days a week and he told me that I was using our kid as an excuse and that I should be able to get work done and take care of her.

    It's really caused me to resent him and I just don't know how to approach the subject with him anymore. It's something that has us at a bit of a stand still. He thinks I just need to suck it up and I just want a little more help.

    Sorry I have no help for you apparently I just needed a rant of my own :(
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  • cdsenocdseno member
    @gahorseygal‌ have you ever left your H alone with LO for any amount of time? I would like to see what he could get accomplished while trying to take care of an infant.

    As far as the original statement, I understand completely. For me it isn't even about helping vs not helping. It is that, at least in our house, having a EBF baby who reuses a bottle makes it a lot harder for me to just decide on a whim to go meet up with friends like H can. It doesn't make me angry, but I do get jealous that I always have to plan days in advance if I want to do anything fun. I have a shower to go to on Saturday and am already anticipating having to bring LO because I may not be able to pump enough for a bottle after being sick all weekend and I have zero back up in the freezer. All I wanted to do was leave for a couple hours and enjoy adult time, but I have to consider the baby first.
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  • dvmmommadvmmomma member
    @cdseno‌ - exactly!!

    And @gahorseygal‌ that is not cool. I second pp- you should leave LO with your husband alone if you haven't already. It's amazing how easy caring for an infant seems to husbands until they try it.
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