Boyfriend finds me unattractive

ely16 · December 2014

So right before I got pregos I found out my bf was wanting to have sex with other girls , last night we were talking about it and he told me it's cause he felt that I wasn't attractive anymore and when we had sex it seemed like I wasn't into him so he started paying attention more to porn and other girls . I know he wouldn't cheat but he had the desire to be with other girls. Anyways I've always been really insecure and this just took it to another level . Especially that I'm 9 months pregnant it makes me feel horrible about myself . I was skinny and I worked out I have big boobs and a butt and i guess an ok face . And idk what to do cause I'm pregnant I'm not in any way close to how I used to look and before I dressed cute and tried to look nice and now I look sloppy . So it takes my self esteem really low . If he didn't find me attractive when I thought I was okay I can't imagine how disgusted he is of me now , even tho he always wants to have sex and he tells me I'm attractive now . How am I supposed to feel any confidence now. Any advice ? Sorry for the huge paragraph

BookitBoo · December 2014

He's laying the blame at your feet by saying that he thought you weren't in to him. He needs to own that he wanted to sleep with other women because he wanted to, not because of any action on your part. I'm mean unless you told him you didn't want him.

You don't need to find your confidence in him; it honestly sounds like he wants you but wants leeway to be with other people. If you intend to stay with him I would suggest couples counseling.

I'm so sorry he has said these things and made you feel unnattractive.

southernyankeegirl · December 2014

You can't change yourself to make someone else find you attractive. You can't set that burden on yourself. If you two plan to be together long term, the best thing to do is go to couples therapy to work through this.

You deserve to be with someone who finds you beautiful and attractive on your worst day. If he can't be that person, you deserve better.

eleolin8 · December 2014

I hope you try to be proud of how beautiful you look because you are growing a little miracle in you! I learned that pregnancy is a long dedicated road to travel and it won't last forever. I'm assuming this is his child. He may realize this and has changed his ways with telling you how attractive you are now and he is being faced with reality that he is about to be a father. I haven't been through something like this before, but for advice I would say find a way to love yourself and what your body is going through. Make sure this sex he is wanting to have provides you satisfaction also and that you both really make a connection as to "make love" instead of just have sex.

southernyankeegirl · December 2014

Also, as far as feeling unattractive at this point in pregnant in general - that's normal. Plenty of women do not feel at their sexual peak when full of baby, and that's okay! A good supportive loyal partner will let you know that they still find you beautiful and that your sex life will resume when you're ready, with no fear of him lusting after other women or cheating in the meantime.

ely16 · December 2014

And yes you are right I'm in my 20's ! We'll we have been together for 4 years now almost 5 and we do love each other very much and he's a good boyfriend besides this whole thing . I'm not upset at him for wanting other woman it's only normal but it just hurts when someone your in love with loves u for everything else but the way you look

I don't consider breaking up with him because I'm happy in the relationship , I'm just not happy in myself .

southernyankeegirl · December 2014

ely16 said:
And yes you are right I'm in my 20's ! We'll we have been together for 4 years now almost 5 and we do love each other very much and he's a good boyfriend besides this whole thing . I'm not upset at him for wanting other woman it's only normal but it just hurts when someone your in love with loves u for everything else but the way you look I don't consider breaking up with him because I'm happy in the relationship , I'm just not happy in myself .

Please accept an online hug from me.

Please also consider going to a therapist yourself. You can't let his views dictate your own self worth. That's not healthy, either for you or your relationship. And he can't put the pressure on you to somehow be "attractive enough" so he doesn't want to stray. It doesn't work like that.

You can't make a loyal man cheat, and you can't make a cheater loyal. Doesn't matter what you look like or how much you weigh or who else throws themselves at him.

If he's telling you he WANTS to cheat but isn't, ask him to go to therapy with you because it sounds like he wants to improve the situation (and that "improvement" comes from inside him, not by you somehow making yourself "more attractive" for him). If he's telling you he wants to cheat because he wants you to change yourself somehow, that's a huge red flag and I would really encourage you to talk to a therapist one-on-one to make sure your self esteem isn't based on his approval.

speu511000 · December 2014

Definitely talked to my husband about this. It's not normal for him to want other women, even if he does nothing about it. Please consider counceling or leaving him for someone who respects you at all times.

ely16 · December 2014

Yeah I understand I do think it's a good idea to take therapy but his schedule is to tight he works two jobs and we can't afford therapy . Right now were both doing anything we can to have some money for our son as he comes first , I do wish we had that option were we could afford it . It's something weve considered puting money aside for but it's just so hard . I do feel like my self esteem comes from him , and I know that's bad I should feel confident without his approval but it's something I don't know how to do . Every woman deserves to feel beautiful with or without a partner but I don't . I judge myself to harshly on my own and now this is just rock bottom in my self esteem .

SpaceGirlSpiff · December 2014

Nope. Nope nope. This makes me so sad that you think this is a loving and respectful relationship. It is not normal to have to feel the way you do about yourself in a relationship... You should be able to know and trust that your partner accepts and loves all of you, just like you come....no respectable man would put this burden on you...I am just baffled that you think this is ok

Run. Far away. I really wish you could see that you need to get away from this.

southernyankeegirl · December 2014

If you belong to a religious group, they often offer counseling free of charge. It isn't my first choice for couples therapy, but it's better than nothing.

Perhaps some others have suggestions for self help books on this topic for OP to read?

csjsmom · December 2014

My ex husband cheated on me at least online when I was pregnant with our first. He was communicating and sending/receiving naked pics. He didn't find me attractive any more. I found out right around my due date. I didn't leave because I felt trapped and then had a traumatic delivery and recovery.

We did end up in therapy because of it. Things improved, I thought, so we decided to have a second (4 years later). When out second was 10 weeks old he left. Stated he wasn't attracted to me. I took my oldest to a preschool meeting, looked around at all the other couples and thought I look at least as good if not better than most of them. Not swimsuit model or anything but not bad. It's totally HIS issue because all these other women have someone who loves and appreciates them.

I would be really careful of where this could end up. I'm sure it's not you. You are enough just as you are. If he doesn't get that he has the problem.

BookitBoo · December 2014

@ely16‌

Therapy can be expensive, it's a very daunting financial burden that you might not feel is worth it, but I think you both could benefit from it. Do you have insurance? Insurance doesn't have to specifically cover 'therapy,' it can also cover 'social worker'
Do you live in a college town, or near one? They generally have training centers where the cost is on a sliding scale. Churches are also another good resource.

beccs88 · December 2014

I have heard many men say that they where never more attracted to their wives/ gf than when she was pregnant. So he may very well be more attracted to you now more than ever. Plus even though they get scared in the beginning the thought of you carrying their child is a turn on eventually. Don't let you being pregnant get you down, embrace it. You won't be pregnant forever, if he continues to be a jerk, move on:/

SheHulk723 · December 2014

BookitBoo said:
@ely16‌

Therapy can be expensive, it's a very daunting financial burden that you might not feel is worth it, but I think you both could benefit from it. Do you have insurance? Insurance doesn't have to specifically cover 'therapy,' it can also cover 'social worker'
Do you live in a college town, or near one? They generally have training centers where the cost is on a sliding scale. Churches are also another good resource.

Another option, in my area, the rape crisis centers also offer family counseling on a sliding scale. Some health departments also offer counseling for people with babies/children.

GracefulStar · December 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm can't sleep tonight over a similar issue but not as nearly extreme. Because it sounds like this just came up, why don't you try talking to him again about it to clear up any misconceptions. I don't think its healthy that you rate yourself on body attributes, they change and will continue to change as you age, have babies, etc. do you honestly feel your relationship goes beyond looks?

jennkg3 · December 2014

Dh and I see a councilor and he is $15 copay our insurance covers it, something you might want to check into. It's an hour a week, every other, or a month whatever works the no time is just an excuse. I don't personally like being pregnant I feel ugly that's just how I am my husband isn't great about making me feel better about it he tries but this telling you he is into other women and porn isn't okay. You may love him and he may love you and just be immature or was raised crappy, but if he refuses counciling, after baby is here I would seriously spend sometime thinking if this is really who you want to spend your life with and your child to spend their life seeing this relationship. I would also seek out a councilor on your own to help you figure out your thoughts and feelings and why you are so hard on yourself (especially if he won't do couples therapy). I think it would really help you, and for today be easy with yourself. Don't talk to yourself or about yourself in a way you would never stand another person to talk to you.

jennkg3 · December 2014

Please remember you deserve happiness and respect no matter what you are telling yourself.

ghostof5letters · December 2014

ely16 said:

And yes you are right I'm in my 20's ! We'll we have been together for 4 years now almost 5 and we do love each other very much and he's a good boyfriend besides this whole thing . I'm not upset at him for wanting other woman it's only normal but it just hurts when someone your in love with loves u for everything else but the way you look I don't consider breaking up with him because I'm happy in the relationship , I'm just not happy in myself .

A good boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with other women. Being attracted to other women is normal, wanting to be with them is NOT.

You deserve better. You are NOT happy in the relationship and that is what is causing you to not be happy with yourself.

This guy sucks. You deserve better.

One day, 5 or so years from now, you'll look back and remember these responses and realize that we were right.

You're in for a long road of hurt until you realize this.

texasmama786 · December 2014

What an asshat! Please do yourself a favor and just worry about you and your baby from now on. Accept the fact that he's a skeeze and wants to sleep around. I promise you this has nothing to do with you Hun, please don't let him make you feel anything less than the wonderful woman you are. There are nice men out there that will love and accept you for who you are. This guy isn't a man yet and probably won't grow up anytime soon. You are worthy of complete happiness, so please don't surround yourself with people that devalue your worth. Look forward to all of the joy this child will bring to you and congratulate yourself for becoming a great mother. You will soon have someone in this life that will think you hung the moon and will love you unconditionally

Disneygeek77 · December 2014

Well, if I am going to be completely honest, I think you need to have higher standards for yourself, No, a man that telsl his pregnant girlfriend that he is talking to other women because he isn't attracted to her anymore isn't a good man. Good men don't act like this, they just don't.

LuckyPenny1231 · December 2014

There is a big difference in being attracted to other people and talking to them and actually wanting to sleep with them.

I know my husband is attracted to other people, I am too! But if he wanted to actually have sex with them then we would have a huge problem! What you're describing doesn't seem normal or healthy.

I understand having self esteem issues but I think this goes deeper than that. He flat out said he's not attracted to you, why would you want to stay with someone like that? A healthy sex life is important in a relationship but how can you have that when it doesn't sound like he respects you?

ghostof5letters · December 2014

TRexsMum said:

This thread makes me sad.

When I read posts like this the reality and responsibility of raising daughters smack me in the face.

4littlebears · December 2014

ghostof5letters said:

TRexsMum said:

This thread makes me sad.

When I read posts like this the reality and responsibility of raising daughters smack me in the face.

~~quote fail~~
And sons... We are doing our best to make sure our son will value his SO someday

ghostof5letters · December 2014

4littlebears said:

TRexsMum said:

This thread makes me sad.

When I read posts like this the reality and responsibility of raising daughters smack me in the face.
~~quote fail~~ And sons... We are doing our best to make sure our son will value his SO someday

Good point.

ETA:

But I keep coming back to the fact that she allows him to treat her this way. Not only does she allow it, but she blames herself.

ShuShubee · December 2014

I've been thinking about how to word what I wanted to say. It is very easy for us, random internet strangers, to tell you to dump him and move on. In reality, it's not that easy. It takes courage, which I hope you are able to find. Take things one step at a time, and I think your first step is to focus on you and your sense of self worth. Please try and find a counseling resource that can provide what you need at a cost you can afford (or free). I actually think it is more important for you to seek counseling for your own issues than couples counseling at this point in time, IMO.

PPs are right in that this is not normal or acceptable behavior of an SO. Please know that you are worth so much more than that.

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