Don't trust my partner

lelaa12 · December 2014

ive been with my partner for a while... When I found out I was pregnant we were both shocked and scared. Were both in our early 20s from conservative families... Him and I recently had a conversation and he was going to blame me for gettin pregnant to his parents...everytime I give him money for groceries he spends it on himself and were left without food for the week... I feel soon I'll have to watch the baby and everything he does with her ...

katier29 · December 2014

Have you thought about leaving him then? If you don't trust him and you aren't happy then why don't you leave to make a better life for yourself and baby? Maybe your family would help you out with the new baby.

AmberC311 · December 2014

lelaa12 said:
ive been with my partner for a while... When I found out I was pregnant we were both shocked and scared. Were both in our early 20s from conservative families... Him and I recently had a conversation and he was going to blame me for gettin pregnant to his parents...everytime I give him money for groceries he spends it on himself and were left without food for the week... I feel soon I'll have to watch the baby and everything he does with her ...

I would probably stop giving him money. Just a thought.

agapeflower117 · December 2014

Oh boy. Well, I'd start focusing on the baby as your first priority. Everything you can do, do for the baby. And this guy seems like he may not do that, and if he can't/won't/doesn't want to, the best thing would be to get out now, before the baby comes, and get your child support from him, because it probably won't get better from here. Baby will benefit most from a healthy and happier mom, and if it takes getting away from dad, I'd strongly recommend it!

ksimo6 · December 2014

Sounds like you need to leave his ass. If he treats you like this, imagine how he's going to treat his child.

taboullio84 · December 2014

Never trust a person with your baby that you wouldn't trust to hold your money.

KonaCoffeeBean · December 2014

Whoa. Two sides to every story and everything, but if what you say is halfway true, I would be out of there. Absolutely the fuck out of there.

Emilywooddesign · December 2014

Sooooo like, what does he buy? Booze? Drugs? Video games? I would be interested to hear what his priorities are.

mrssscott28 · December 2014

Sounds like your "man" needs to man the fuck up. His priorities seem selfish and immature. It takes 2 to tango to make a baby and by him blaming you to his parents seem like a pu$$y way out. Sorry for the vulgar language but this hits a nerve with me. Tell him to grow a pair or just leave his pathetic ass. You and your baby deserve so much better.

effthisnoise · December 2014

Blame you for getting pregnant how? Most adults realize it takes two, so he'd have to say that you purposefully tried to get pregnant and lied about being on birth control to effectively blame you. He sounds like a jerk. If you're close to your parents, I'd suggest telling them that you're pregnant and exactly what this guy has said to you and getting their advice on what to do next. Conservative parents might be disappointed in you, but hopefully they also love you enough to help you.

I definitely want to echo PPs that if he can't be trusted with grocery money, you can't trust him to help you raise a child.

leenziepops · December 2014

Why does he want to blame you for the pregnancy? That sounds awful. I would reassess the relationship. Sounds like a major trust issue you have there. Sorry you are going through this. Must be really hard.

lelaa12 · December 2014

Once he said to me that he didn't want children and we live with a baby and her mother I said to him that I want one... I never meant now but I guess that's what he was going to say to his parents.... He spends his money on the rent and other bills it was just this week I needed him to do shopping and he went to the movies instead...

suzysurparis · December 2014

Couples counseling, the sooner you start the sooner you can understand whether the relationship is worth saving. You can even go alone if he wont go, but remember that you cant change another person and you cant fix another person, they have to do it themselves. If you're uncomfortable going to "counseling" from your conservative background, I suggest asking at your church if the priest/pastor has any couples/family courses or advice. I'm not religious myself but most churches have programs designed to help families and it would probably be more socially acceptable for you and your partner.

AmyCee · December 2014

It's just as much his "fault" -- if he didn't want children - he should have been protected! Expecting you to handle birth control is old school mentality.
I would look into counseling now as things will not magically fix themselves when a newborn arrives and puts financial, emotional and physical strain on you guys...they don't give back (smile, interact) for a while and if he already is anxious about a baby it's likely just going to get worse.
Some men are instant fathers (my brothers were both amazing!) some take a while to start having a connection (my husband with the first baby) - he admitted last night that he already sees this baby as his kid and loves him, but with DS1, it wasn't real for him until he arrived and he didn't have an emotional connection for a little while...

Men can change - but they have to want to and have to have help!! The money spent (counseling) is worth it either way -- either you know he won't change or he does and you can raise this baby as a team.

I applaud you for noticing now and admitting it to us to seek advice -- I hid the issues I was having with DH and became almost a recluse when my son was born out of embarrassment from my rocky marriage.

Katerina&Baby · December 2014

Confused - OP said "every time" you have him money he spent it on himself but then you said it was only this week?

He implied to his parents that you got pregnant on purpose without his consent - this is completely unacceptable and something you should clear up right away (you don't need to have a wonderful relationship with them but do you really want to deal with their resentment for the rest of your life? Further, don't you think they will tell everyone on their side about how you trapped their "poor son" into parenthood?)

It sounds to me like you guys need some counseling - his lying is unacceptable and you need to find out whether he has the capacity to grow up and start being a responsible adult (if not, he won't be able to be a responsible parent). Good luck - I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this but it's definitely something you shouldn't ignore.

lelaa12 · December 2014

Well usually he does do what I ask and buys smokes as well which i asked him to do with his own money but uses mine This week was the worst though

CYBURRCHIC · December 2014

I would say that you need to get real with each other and realize that decisions you're making from this point going forward will impact a child's life. So 1) does he want this child? Because it sounds like he doesn't and if that is the case you need to leave no matter how much you love him. Don't put your child in that position. 2) if you don't trust him, is it because he is immature and things that he could do to gain trust (if he is willing) because if not - leave.

A child is a game changer and you need to be mature and protect this innocent child from immature and foolish people who think they have to blame you for a pregnancy.

MZavakos · December 2014

I would never be with a man that said he didnt want children if I knew that someday I did. As for his actions with money, what are you gonna do when you hand him money to go buy formula or diapers and he goes to the movies again? You need to get out of that relationship. It sounds like a bad situation all the way around.. Tell your parents what hes doing and see if they are able to help for a little while.. Nobody deserves to be their SO second priority.

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