Feeling so ashamed. I have wanted a girl literally my WHOLE life. I have 5 brothers, 11 uncles, and even 2 male dogs. The first time I asked my mom for a baby sister I was 4. I just crave a little more estrogen around. I absolutely adore my son and to be honest was around little sad when I found out he was a boy. I have obviously long since gotten over the fact the he is all boy, but I really held on to the fact that maybe our 2nd and last child would be and girl. Nay. At my almost 13 week ultrasound the tech thought it was another boy based on the nub theory (from which I understand is very acurate). I am so nervous for the 20 week u/s. I am still holding on to hope that the first tech was wrong even though I feel I will be devastated if a boy is confirmed. I feel ashamed and guilty. Even worse my husband was wanting a sweet little girl too and he does not seem nearly as excited... making me even a little more depressed. Feeling devastated and ashamed.
The nub theory and checking for the sex of your baby at 13 weeks is not reliable. You may get a completely different result at your anatomy scan at 20 weeks. I suggest that if you are feeling this stressed and depressed about the potential of having a second boy, that you talk with your doctor about getting some additional help. Stress and depression are serious issues and can cause complications in your pregnancy.
I've actually discussed the possibility of gender disappointment with my ob before even going in for that ultrasound. Aside from hormones these feeling are normal and it is people like you who put emotional, hormonal, pregnant women on blast and slap them on the wrist for feeling this way. There are higher percentages of pregnancies that feel this way than they are willing to admit due to it ignorant people. Of course I feel terrible for people who want babies or have lost them, that does not mean I don't have the right to deal with my feelings and emotions. My mother died when I was 10. I think it is perfectly normal for me to mourn the potential that I may never share the bond of a mother daughter relationship. Besides is this not a forum for pregnancy, parenthood and support?
Thank you for your reply. Maybe I should start a post about the nub theory. Perhaps I am lacking information from both sides. I guess there is a fine line between hormonal and depressed. I suppose time will allow me to see things more clearly.
Please do not start a thread about the nub theory. It's horseshit, and it's been debunked.
You still have 50/50 odds at this point. But if you find out it's a boy and are faced with serious depression and shame, please don't let your OB blow it off by blaming hormones. Tell her/him it feels more serious than that and you'd like a referral.
If the concept of not having a girl in your life is overwhelmingly sad, also consider foster/adoption of a 3rd child. Not only is it a wonderful thing to do in general, but it can give you something to look forward to in terms of completing your family down the road.
Please do not start a thread about the nub theory. It's horseshit, and it's been debunked.
You still have 50/50 odds at this point. But if you find out it's a boy and are faced with serious depression and shame, please don't let your OB blow it off by blaming hormones. Tell her/him it feels more serious than that and you'd like a referral.
If the concept of not having a girl in your life is overwhelmingly sad, also consider foster/adoption of a 3rd child. Not only is it a wonderful thing to do in general, but it can give you something to look forward to in terms of completing your family down the road.
=D> All of this!
OP, there are soooo many women who can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, or who have lost their children shortly after or during birth. This "disappointment" is slap in the face to them.
With DS, we were actually told he was a girl and were completely surprised in the delivery room. I spent 4 months bonding with him as a daughter. It took me about three seconds to forget that bc he was healthy! I lost my first pregnancy and had a difficult one with DS.
@Whootie. Hey now, you posted on a public forum to INTERNET STRANGERS. You're going to get people who are going to be on both sides of the spectrum on your issue. Remember that.
I agree with PP about seeking more intervention on your depression/anxiety over this issue. Therapy works, in my opinion. Good luck to you. But please, stop acting surprised when you get some responses that challenge you.
I think it is normal to be disappointed with finding out the baby isn't the sex you wanted to an extent. Shame and guilt are not good though. You may really need to talk to someone if your feelings are more than just a little disappointment.
I too have a boy and am hoping since this will be our last it turns out to be a girl. I have decided not to find out either way though because I know when that baby is handed to me in the delivery room I won't be "disappointed" either way.
Also agree with PP about fostering or adoption. It truly is a wonderful thing.
Hoping you find out it's a girl but also hope you find peace if it's a boy!
I would look into artificial insemination if you want to have a third child to possibly choose a girl - it's the only guarantee besides adoption.
I just spent an evening with a bunch of moms of boys and while we oohed and ahhhed over the bows and pigtails on the little girls around us - our little boys had the best time just playing and running around.
Also think that this little brother, if it is a boy, will be comradery for your son - versus a girl for you.
Pregnancy is a 50/50 chance. But, 100% that you will be the world to the child that arrives.
I agree with PPs that say to seek significant counseling to help you and your husband hand this situation. You made the choice to become pregnant. The baby had no say in the matter and deserves to have his family love him unconditionally. He had no say in his sex...
On a public forum like this, there will always be very opposing opinions. This is a sensitive subject because so many of us just want that healthy baby in any shape or form! I'm sure you do too, but there's obviously some things that you really need to discuss with a professional. Echoing the sentiments of others on here, its important to seek help. Don't let your OB tell you its nonsense, depression is not in your control and this is a very real problem to you. You shouldn't be experiencing shame and guilt for how you feel.
That's prob the best bet at being able to develop a connection to your LO (if indeed it is a boy!!) Good luck, OP...
I, too, think a small level of disappointment is normal in a situation like this. We found out Saturday that we are having another son, and I was disappointed for about 1 minute. Now I've already started shopping and pinning to his nursery board! it's normal to have a hard time getting over the family you imagined, but if it's a big enough issue that you felt you needed to talk to your doctor beforehand, I would definitely suggest finding some help. Your (potentially) new son and the rest of your family deserve at least that. Congrats on your healthy baby!!!
Nub theory is bullshit. The nub could be pointing up or down depending on the angle. I'm sorry about losing your mom so early, that must have been very hard for you. Don't rule out hope that this baby is a girl, just do your job of being the best mom you can be to your kids/ if it is a boy think of the wonderful relationship your son will have with a brother. Gender disappointment is normal, I have a gf who has 5 daughters and Obv would have loved a son but it just didn't happen for her. You'll be fine, I promise.
There is nothing wrong with some extent of gender disappointment, and in fact, it's totally normal. (Actually, the notion of "as long as it's healthy" is far more offensive - although there is obviously nothing wrong with genuinely not having a preference.) So - that said, if you're a little bummed out and feel like you'll get over it when baby is here, don't stress yourself out too much. SO MANY women have those feelings, even though not everyone is comfortable discussing it. BUT, if you're feeling legitimate depression, or animosity against your child/children, that is absolutely an issue that needs to be addressed by your OB, a therapist, PCP, anyone who will listen.
I understand the financial restraints of having a bigger family, but I second the option of possible adoption. There are literally millions of baby girls looking for forever homes across the world.
First - nub theory is absolute rubbish. I wouldn't trust any tech who told me my baby's sex before my AS (but I'm team green so I won't be finding out then either).
From how I read your post, it sounds like you feel ashamed for being disappointed - which to me means that you're acknowledging that you're grateful for having a healthy pregnancy and feel badly that anything about it is disappointing (so in that vein, I disagree with some of the PPs who concluded that you must be ungrateful).
I think it's normal to feel a little sad no matter which sex the baby ends up being - there are so many wonderful things that you picture about how life will be like with a little girl or boy (with a girl, you can picture having the mother/daughter relationship you miss, with a son, you can probably see your boys playfully roughhousing and being best friends) - it's okay to mourn the lost possibility of one particular daydream.
@mamahawk12 I'm confused about how the "as long as the baby is healthy" is offensive. I'm not being snarky; I legitimately don't understand that.
I suppose I should have used the word insensitive, more than offensive. Give these a read if you have time, they describe my feelings pretty accurately (better than I could, without plagiarizing.)
I guess when I say "healthy", I mean alive. I had severe IUGR with DS ( he was less than 3.5 lbs when born at 37 weeks) and he was born with hypospadias, a common male birth defect. He's had one surgery for it and will likely need another. He also had PT for a year due to a gross motor delay. I have always considered him healthy. I do like the phase in the second article that says "as long as they are here". I guess that's really what I mean when I say healthy.
I guess when I say "healthy", I mean alive. I had severe IUGR with DS ( he was less than 3.5 lbs when born at 37 weeks) and he was born with hypospadias, a common male birth defect. He's had one surgery for it and will likely need another. He also had PT for a year due to a gross motor delay. I have always considered him healthy. I do like the phase in the second article that says "as long as they are here". I guess that's really what I mean when I say healthy.
Agreed, but that's not what a lot of people hear when that phrase is used. And it's definitely not what tiny ears hear.
@mamahawk12 I'm confused about how the "as long as the baby is healthy" is offensive. I'm not being snarky; I legitimately don't understand that.
I suppose I should have used the word insensitive, more than offensive. Give these a read if you have time, they describe my feelings pretty accurately (better than I could, without plagiarizing.)
Feelings don't have to be right or wrong. Sometimes they just are. I hope you have time to make peace with your disappointment before the baby gets here. Maybe a few counseling sessions could help. Don't feel ashamed. It's so much better to accept and process your disappointment now than to repress it and hope it will go away on its own. Having kids is a real mindfuck. Boy or girl they are not going to turn out how we predict or how we (secretly or not so secretly) want. It's a learning curve that pretty much never ends.
At our 12 week our tech thought it was a boy, but said the genitalia can be so similar she wouldn't call it yet. Well, yesterday we had a 16 week scan, and it's a boy. We have a girl, and I already thought this baby was a boy, but I'm dissapointed. My husband was upset because I'm not excited. I feel awful that I'm not excited, I just ways pictured and imagined having girls. I have no idea how to raise a boy and I worry the bond with him won't be strong like it is with my daughter. I know at some point I will get over it and love this baby as much as my daughter, but it's hard right now. I think the most important thing is to realize it's okay to be disappointed. It's okay and your feelings are totally valid. The more you try to shove those feelings down, the worse it will be.
I think it is normal to be disappointed with finding out the baby isn't the sex you wanted to an extent. Shame and guilt are not good though. You may really need to talk to someone if your feelings are more than just a little disappointment.
I too have a boy and am hoping since this will be our last it turns out to be a girl. I have decided not to find out either way though because I know when that baby is handed to me in the delivery room I won't be "disappointed" either way.
Also agree with PP about fostering or adoption. It truly is a wonderful thing.
Hoping you find out it's a girl but also hope you find peace if it's a boy!
I agree with this! Don't find out at your 20 weeks, be team green.. that way you won't have disappointment .. when you get a healthy baby in your arms, that is all that matters!! Also, You should seek help with your depression, it can cause stress on your baby!
At our 12 week our tech thought it was a boy, but said the genitalia can be so similar she wouldn't call it yet. Well, yesterday we had a 16 week scan, and it's a boy. We have a girl, and I already thought this baby was a boy, but I'm dissapointed. My husband was upset because I'm not excited. I feel awful that I'm not excited, I just ways pictured and imagined having girls. I have no idea how to raise a boy and I worry the bond with him won't be strong like it is with my daughter. I know at some point I will get over it and love this baby as much as my daughter, but it's hard right now. I think the most important thing is to realize it's okay to be disappointed. It's okay and your feelings are totally valid. The more you try to shove those feelings down, the worse it will be.
This is how I felt when I was pregnant with my now 4 year old ds. I never wanted a boy. I hate sports. I am not into cars or trucks or any of the stereotypical boy things. Oddly enough, I bonded to that baby boy from the second I layed eyes on him. Much easier to bond with him than my dd when she was born. To this day he is my sunshine. He is the sweetest, cuddliest, easiest little boy. I love both of my kids equally but I always say he is gods gift to us for putting up with my challenging dd!
@mamahawk12 I'm confused about how the "as long as the baby is healthy" is offensive. I'm not being snarky; I legitimately don't understand that.
I suppose I should have used the word insensitive, more than offensive. Give these a read if you have time, they describe my feelings pretty accurately (better than I could, without plagiarizing.)
Thank you for posting these links. It was something I legitimately did not understand and even having a very unhealthy (cancer) kid I never found it offensive. I now get what people are offended by. To me it still doesn't speak to the worth of the child but happy to never use the term again since that is how some perceive it.
I agree with PPs that the "nub theory" is crap. And if it makes you feel better with DD I was told by a tech at 12 weeks that there "might be something there" and she thought it was a boy. I felt a little disappointment too as I had always dreamed of a girl. Fast forward to 20 weeks and the same tech performed the ultrasound and it was very clear that she was a girl! It's too early to tell.
I don't think it's right to shame people for gender disappointment, especially when they are already feeling ashamed in the first place. I think it's pretty clear the OP was feeling ashamed for being disappointed, not for having a boy. It's wrong to wave "some people will never have this blessing" in someone's face for the emotions she's having. I struggled in the first trimester with morning sickness and a host of other symptoms and I really needed people to tell me that I didn't need to be happy all the time, that feeling other emotions didn't equate to ingratitude. With the depth of human feeling, it is possible to be indescribably grateful for a baby while simultaneously feeling depressed or sick or grumpy. On the other side, I can see how someone who so desperately wants to have a child would be shocked and hurt to see someone else disappointed about anything with the baby they get to have. But that doesn't mean that they're wrong to feel that way. @Whootie there was an excellent thread about Gender Disappointment some time ago on this board, I recommend you check it out. I think PPs have given you good advice as well. I think a good counsellor is always helpful in situations like these. Also if you quote the person you're replying to, everyone can see who you're talking to. Even though there's a reply button on every post, it replies to the post as a whole. You don't have to feel ashamed for your feelings.
I'm gonna jump in here because the "think of all the women who would be grateful just to have any child" bullshit pisses me off. I'm a loss & IF mom & I'm not ashamed to say that I will be disappointed, although briefly, if we find out that this is a boy. Both of my losses have been girls, my husband & I desperately want a daughter. We will, of course, be grateful for & adore my son if that's what I have. But I will always long for a daughter. I may never get a chance at another biological child. Adoption is an option, but it's not just as simple as saying that you can just go pick out a daughter. Not all couples are able financially or mentally capable of adoption. Gender disappointment ( I hate the term because it's not correct, but that is the term used) is real & many couples experience it. Making someone feel even more ashamed than they already do for admitting something this difficult is pretty shitty.
This is why we are team green this time around. I have always wanted all boys and my first was a girl. I was disappointed for a little bit but it quickly changed and was non existent once she was here. My second was a boy and my daughter cried she wanted a sister so bad. This time I would love to have a boy and my hubby and daughter would love a little girl. There will be no disappointment or shameful feelings this time around. We are also 1/25 chance of having a baby with a trisomy defect, so that's more at the front of our minds than the sex. We're just thankful for this last little baby There is definitely nothing wrong with what you're feeling and it's really great you're talking about it
For OP...I'm sorry that it hasn't hit you that this child is a blessing. I hate to sound cliche, but after all the exams, tests, and issues you know can go wrong with a pregnancy- aren't you just happy to have a healthy baby? My SO wants a girl but I tell him I really don't care and mean that with 100% conviction. I hope you can find peace in knowing you'll have a healthy baby should you choose to stay positive.
For OP...I'm sorry that it hasn't hit you that this child is a blessing. I hate to sound cliche, but after all the exams, tests, and issues you know can go wrong with a pregnancy- aren't you just happy to have a healthy baby? My SO wants a girl but I tell him I really don't care and mean that with 100% conviction. I hope you can find peace in knowing you'll have a healthy baby should you choose to stay positive.
Ewww - not to be all WhiteKnighty (not my style) but the tone of your post is pretty gross. Judgmental much? Your reading comprehension and emotional IQ needs improvement - OP wouldn't be feeling ashamed for experiencing sex disappointment if she wasn't grateful to be pregnant. Get off your high horse.
@babybean54 Are you trying to imply that if she doesn't "choose to stay positive" it will affect the health of her baby? You can fuck right off with that nonsense please. Pregnancy is not a blessing for everyone. While that may be the ideal, it's not the reality, and guilting moms to be for their feelings by hanging health over their heads is not cool.
I definitely didn't even get through all the comments because honestly the posts lately have made me so angry. I think you have every right to be disappointed about the sex of your child. I agree with the "women who can't have children" is horse shit. Yes I feel terrible for women like this. My best friend just delivered a baby at 24 weeks 1 month ago and thank god he's still living. However, that doesn't make me not want to admit that yes I'd like a boy this second pregnancy. People need to stop being so judgemental. No I don't think you need "help" or need to go to therapy bc your disappointed about the sex of your child. I think you have every right!
I definitely didn't even get through all the comments because honestly the posts lately have made me so angry. I think you have every right to be disappointed about the sex of your child. I agree with the "women who can't have children" is horse shit. Yes I feel terrible for women like this. My best friend just delivered a baby at 24 weeks 1 month ago and thank god he's still living. However, that doesn't make me not want to admit that yes I'd like a boy this second pregnancy. People need to stop being so judgemental. No I don't think you need "help" or need to go to therapy bc your disappointed about the sex of your child. I think you have every right!
The way you phrased this is incredibly insulting. It's not horseshit. It's true. It doesn't mean that OP can't have sex disappointment, but to so easily shluff off the "women who can't have children" argument as horseshit is just as insensitive as people who don't listen to OPs post about a struggle she is having with open ears.
TTC since May 2012 Me: 32 H: 31
DX: MFI-Very Low Count, I have Hashimotos.
IVF prep September 2013 cancelled due to Ovarian Cyst IVF #1 October 2013 Antagonistic Protocol with ICSI ER 10/31/13 (18R 16M 11F- 6 blasts to freeze) ET delayed due to OHSS FET scheduled for July 8. Delayed due to a crazy high TSH (it had been under control for YEARS!) FET #1 8/5/14 sET BFN
For OP...I'm sorry that it hasn't hit you that this child is a blessing. I hate to sound cliche, but after all the exams, tests, and issues you know can go wrong with a pregnancy- aren't you just happy to have a healthy baby? My SO wants a girl but I tell him I really don't care and mean that with 100% conviction. I hope you can find peace in knowing you'll have a healthy baby should you choose to stay positive.
Oh so that's why all 5 of my babies had to be hospitalized. I wasn't positive enough while pregnant. Clearly I'm an awful person and stand no chance of having a healthy baby this time either. Screw off with that crap!
The nub theory worked for me, it's the 'angle of the dangle' and it is pretty accurate. I just had it reconfirmed boy (my 2nd one). I also want a girl, but am happy that my son will have a little brother to play with
Well thank you for the overwhelming amount of positive responses. There were a couple on here that made me cringe because the fact of the matter is that I love both of my children and if it weren't for them I wouldn't have half of my strength and motivation to work as hard as I do. I am very greatful to have children and yes it is true going for a second child ment the posibility of having another boy, however that reality didn't strike me until I was being told it looked like another boy. I am coming to terms with not having a little girl. For those of you who were a little more judgmental I will take your words with a grain of salt, seeing as i dont know you or how you were raised or what you believe in. I do know that I believe things happen for a reason and maybe I am the perfect person to raise two little gentlemen to make their someday partners in life very happy people. As a cosmetologist it's true I have dreamed of a little girl to take to my salon to work with me and braid her hair for hours (because we all know kids actually sit still for stuff like that haha). And yes student loans make having more children a bit of a stretch for us but I suppose it is not out of the question, after all life so very rarely goes as we plan it to. But come January 28th if baby is willing we know for sure. I am taking it one day at a time and in the end I can't wait until june.
Some rather strong replies on here. I think OP is saying she feels ashamed and guilty because she so desperately wants a daughter and feels bad about her feelings, not that she'd be ashamed of having a son. I'm sure she will very much love her son that doesn't mean she can't long for a daughter
I would suggest some internet research into the differences between a boy and a girl on an ultrasound at 13 weeks. From what I could find (in my snowflaky search to confirm what I determined during our a/s) the difference is none and the chances of them being right are purely that - chances. You are getting worked up over something that may turn out to be nothing.
All of that said - I agree with pps that if it is bothering you this much you may want to look into counseling or talk to your doctor about it. I was worried I was going to be disappointed if this baby turned out to be a girl but at the end of the day I knew I would be completely happy either way, I just wanted a boy too (we already have a daughter).
You seem to not have the "but" yet (or maybe you do and just don't realize it) and that is a little scary and maybe talking it over with a doc or counselor would help ease your mind and reassure you that you are going to love this baby no matter what!
Re: Shameful Gender Disappointment
I suggest that if you are feeling this stressed and depressed about the potential of having a second boy, that you talk with your doctor about getting some additional help. Stress and depression are serious issues and can cause complications in your pregnancy.
BFP #1: 11 October 2014
EDD: 22 June 2015 -- updated DD: 20 June 2015
You still have 50/50 odds at this point. But if you find out it's a boy and are faced with serious depression and shame, please don't let your OB blow it off by blaming hormones. Tell her/him it feels more serious than that and you'd like a referral.
If the concept of not having a girl in your life is overwhelmingly sad, also consider foster/adoption of a 3rd child. Not only is it a wonderful thing to do in general, but it can give you something to look forward to in terms of completing your family down the road.
OP, there are soooo many women who can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, or who have lost their children shortly after or during birth. This "disappointment" is slap in the face to them.
With DS, we were actually told he was a girl and were completely surprised in the delivery room. I spent 4 months bonding with him as a daughter. It took me about three seconds to forget that bc he was healthy! I lost my first pregnancy and had a difficult one with DS.
You need a very swift reality check.
I too have a boy and am hoping since this will be our last it turns out to be a girl. I have decided not to find out either way though because I know when that baby is handed to me in the delivery room I won't be "disappointed" either way.
Also agree with PP about fostering or adoption. It truly is a wonderful thing.
Hoping you find out it's a girl but also hope you find peace if it's a boy!
I just spent an evening with a bunch of moms of boys and while we oohed and ahhhed over the bows and pigtails on the little girls around us - our little boys had the best time just playing and running around.
Also think that this little brother, if it is a boy, will be comradery for your son - versus a girl for you.
Pregnancy is a 50/50 chance. But, 100% that you will be the world to the child that arrives.
I agree with PPs that say to seek significant counseling to help you and your husband hand this situation. You made the choice to become pregnant. The baby had no say in the matter and deserves to have his family love him unconditionally. He had no say in his sex...
That's prob the best bet at being able to develop a connection to your LO (if indeed it is a boy!!) Good luck, OP...
Proud Mama to cleft cutie
From how I read your post, it sounds like you feel ashamed for being disappointed - which to me means that you're acknowledging that you're grateful for having a healthy pregnancy and feel badly that anything about it is disappointing (so in that vein, I disagree with some of the PPs who concluded that you must be ungrateful).
I think it's normal to feel a little sad no matter which sex the baby ends up being - there are so many wonderful things that you picture about how life will be like with a little girl or boy (with a girl, you can picture having the mother/daughter relationship you miss, with a son, you can probably see your boys playfully roughhousing and being best friends) - it's okay to mourn the lost possibility of one particular daydream.
Proud Mama to cleft cutie
Proud Mama to cleft cutie
Love this.
My Blog
Thank you for posting these links. It was something I legitimately did not understand and even having a very unhealthy (cancer) kid I never found it offensive. I now get what people are offended by. To me it still doesn't speak to the worth of the child but happy to never use the term again since that is how some perceive it.
On the other side, I can see how someone who so desperately wants to have a child would be shocked and hurt to see someone else disappointed about anything with the baby they get to have. But that doesn't mean that they're wrong to feel that way.
@Whootie there was an excellent thread about Gender Disappointment some time ago on this board, I recommend you check it out. I think PPs have given you good advice as well. I think a good counsellor is always helpful in situations like these. Also if you quote the person you're replying to, everyone can see who you're talking to. Even though there's a reply button on every post, it replies to the post as a whole.
You don't have to feel ashamed for your feelings.
Pinterest Fails
Gender disappointment ( I hate the term because it's not correct, but that is the term used) is real & many couples experience it. Making someone feel even more ashamed than they already do for admitting something this difficult is pretty shitty.
Me: 32 H: 31
IVF #1 October 2013 Antagonistic Protocol with ICSI ER 10/31/13 (18R 16M 11F- 6 blasts to freeze)
ET delayed due to OHSS
FET scheduled for July 8. Delayed due to a crazy high TSH (it had been under control for YEARS!)
FET #1 8/5/14 sET BFN
All of that said - I agree with pps that if it is bothering you this much you may want to look into counseling or talk to your doctor about it. I was worried I was going to be disappointed if this baby turned out to be a girl but at the end of the day I knew I would be completely happy either way, I just wanted a boy too (we already have a daughter).
You seem to not have the "but" yet (or maybe you do and just don't realize it) and that is a little scary and maybe talking it over with a doc or counselor would help ease your mind and reassure you that you are going to love this baby no matter what!