Hurt feelings?

Lois172000 · December 2014

Not sure how to go about breaking new to a certain friend. I have a friend who has a set of twins. Her and her husband want more children. They have been trying for a couple years naturally and with IVF, specialists Yada yadda. No luck. My Husband and I started trying for another several months ago and bam here I am.
My friend has told me in the past that she just can't as much as she wants to be happy for those around her who have become pregnant.
Telling her I am pregnant was going to be hard enough. Yesterday we found out we are actually having twins. (YIKES). So, I can only imagine this is going to compound it.
Have any of you been in this boat on either side?
DH says she should just be happy for me and if she's not then that says something about our friendship. I have never experianced the pain of not being able to conceive so I have NO clue.
Should I call? Meet her for lunch?
I want to be mindful of her feelings.
Advise? Ideas?

SeaParrot · December 2014

Call her or send her a text. Do not tell her to her face or in public because that puts pressure on her to suppress her reaction when she may be very emotional. Let her know that you don't want to hurt her, that you are sensitive to the fact that this can be hard for her, and that you won't bombard her with baby stuff.

Infertility sucks. I hated having to be happy for people, bitter as that sounds, when I was struggling and losing pregnancies. It was so hard, and I really wished friends would just tell me by text or some other message - and not right before I was supposed to meet up with them - so that I had time to process it myself, in my own way.

aRBe · December 2014

It's early no need to rush into telling anyone but as a new parent of twins you can definitely use a friend with experience. If she is a friend she'll be happy for you, how to tell her depends on your relationship.

Lois172000 · December 2014

Just thinking ahead. A few weeks will pass before I know it and it will be about that time to start sharing. Having a plan in this case will ease my stress. She's my friend and I don't want to be an asshole! Lol

kcebeling · December 2014

You could try testing the waters with a hypothetical situation...try asking her how she would want to be told if a mutual friend was expecting. That could be a good way to gauge her current level of sensitivity. It is very kind of you to be so sensitive to her feelings. She is lucky to have a friend like you who recognizes her frustrations, rather than brushing them off by thinking she already has two kiddos.

MrsCamo · December 2014

I second @SeaParrot‌. I've been down the infertility road while it seemed like friends were popping out babies left and right. She will still be happy for you. But sometimes the emotions to get there are a little complicated. Calling or texting definitely gives her the chance to respond on her own rather than putting up a front. Leave the door open for her to be involved as much or as little as she wants. You may just be surprised!

cgomez105 · December 2014

I think you should just tell her. Your husband is right. If she's not happy for you, even a little then maybe you should think that friendship.

SeaParrot · December 2014

cgomez105 said:
I think you should just tell her. Your husband is right. If she's not happy for you, even a little then maybe you should think that friendship.

I am guessing you have never experienced infertility. It's not being a bad friend to be upset that something you desperately want and have been trying so hard for for years comes easily to someone else. Secondary infertility is its own special beast too.

Expecting your friend to be happy for you even If they are hurting is being a bad friend. It is selfish. "Ignore your own pain and celebrate me doing what you haven't been able to!" Good friends take their friends' feelings into account before telling them things that may hurt.

direy25 · December 2014

SeaParrot said:

I think you should just tell her. Your husband is right. If she's not happy for you, even a little then maybe you should think that friendship.
I am guessing you have never experienced infertility. It's not being a bad friend to be upset that something you desperately want and have been trying so hard for for years comes easily to someone else. Secondary infertility is its own special beast too. Expecting your friend to be happy for you even If they are hurting is being a bad friend. It is selfish. "Ignore your own pain and celebrate me doing what you haven't been able to!" Good friends take their friends' feelings into account before telling them things that may hurt.

You said this much more tactfully than I would have.

lindy27 · December 2014

cgomez105 said:
I think you should just tell her. Your husband is right. If she's not happy for you, even a little then maybe you should think that friendship.

Just....no.

I would text or call your friend. Let her know you are thinking of her feelings and give her time to process it on her own.

gidgetgirl08 · December 2014

I'm a little different then the PP's in that I wouldn't text this info to a friend in this situation. I would call them - emotions are hard to convey in text - and I would also tell them before telling mutual friends so that they don't accidentally hear it from someone else first.

divinemsbee · December 2014

I agree with text or e-mail. I know it seem impersonal, but it gives her a chance to read it in her own time and respond when she's able to do so in as positive a way as she is able. Also, as much as you're going to want to talk about your pregnancy (because you're excited! and that's great), and especially as much as you're going to want some 'been there' advice with twins (I cannot imagine, congrats on that!), let her lead the conversation. She may not be the person to squee over baby stuff with right now, or for a while. Let her ask about your pregnancy, don't cram it down her throat.

Do not 'hypothetical situation' her. She's been around the block with IF, it sounds like, and she'll smell that coming a mile away. I'd wait a bit after you told her, at least a few days, maybe a week, and just call to talk about other stuff. I also agree that she needs to find out before the grapevine effect starts with news. It'll be a thousand times more painful coming from other people.

It's really great of you to be considerate of your friend's feelings. As someone who has been on the IF/loss side of things it's nice to see.

BethKate2 · December 2014

cgomez105 said:

I think you should just tell her. Your husband is right. If she's not happy for you, even a little then maybe you should think that friendship.

@cgomez105, Well, obviously you're clueless about what it's like to deal with infertility. I hope you never have a friend in that situation because it's clearly not something you know how to be sensitive to.

BethKate2 · December 2014

SeaParrot said:

Call her or send her a text. Do not tell her to her face or in public because that puts pressure on her to suppress her reaction when she may be very emotional. Let her know that you don't want to hurt her, that you are sensitive to the fact that this can be hard for her, and that you won't bombard her with baby stuff. Infertility sucks. I hated having to be happy for people, bitter as that sounds, when I was struggling and losing pregnancies. It was so hard, and I really wished friends would just tell me by text or some other message - and not right before I was supposed to meet up with them - so that I had time to process it myself, in my own way.

All of this.

hopefulreturn · December 2014

I agree with calling or texting. As much as I was happy for my friends, the shock of the pregnancy for someone when you've been trying for so long unsuccessfully is hard to hear. There's a normal reaction of feeling upset for yourself. I hated it because I never put myself before others, but it becomes unavoidable on the infertility journey. It is very kind of you to plan ahead and think about her feelings. Make sure you communicate your genuine concern for her feelings when you tell her.

katehenton623 · December 2014

We tried for two years after our m/s and are finally pregnant again! My brother and his wife got pregnant in the first two months that they were married and will have a baby in February. It was so hard for me to be happy for them because I had been married longer and had lost one already. But I never let on to them that that was the case. My mom knew and would call me with news so that I wasn't blindsided by it. But there were several days when I just sat in bed and cried. Before they chose their names they were considering one if mine and I was just so angry and miserable that I called my mom and sobbed for an hour. It is really hard. It seems like you are already in the right place though because you are concerned for her feelings. Maybe have a girl day? Like I said my brother and SIL never knew how hurt I was or how jealous because I didn't think it was fair to put that on them. It wasn't their fault we weren't pregnant. But it is really hard when you are already on the infertility roller coaster and then someone close to you announces they are pregnant.

Ampaints · December 2014

I've been on both sides of this situation. When my SIL got pregnant all I could think about when she caked me was how quick could I get off the phone so I could lose my shit. I was super upset for a few days. I wasn't proud of it, but it's how I felt.
I'm at the point now where I'm still giving my cousin time to process learning of our pregnancy. I stressed to her I understand it hurts and sucks and I am not offended at any anger or hard time she has dealing with it. I'm the third family member she's had to deal with getting pregnant this year. We were the IF buddies if the family and I hope soon she feels she can share her journey with me, but I'll give her all the space she needs.

catters11 · December 2014

I typically wouldn't advise sending a text or a phone call to tell a close friend or loved one as it can be really impersonal, but I told one my dearest friends who is going through treatments as well. Her eyes started watering but I couldn't tell you if they were happy tears or sad tears, so it was hard for me to make eye contact. In that moment, I wish I would have written her a card or called with the news.

She will be happy for you...she'll just also be a wee bit sadder for her situation.

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