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Parenting
Wwyd?
Forgive me this is kind of ridiculous...but honestly, I'm at a mental impasse with how to proceed.
Those of you who so patiently read my post yesterday about the huge blowout my mom and I had, thank you. She said some really hurtful things to me yesterday as a result of her anger, and although I tried my best to "fight fair", it just wasn't happening. She pretty much went for the jugular and then ended the conversation, refusing to really hear my perspective/opinion, leaving me feeling incredibly hurt and really fucking angry. We have not spoken since.
The plan was for her and my step dad to come visit on Christmas day for a few hours to exchange gifts and visit. At this point I have no idea what the plan is or what I even want out of the situation.
If you were in my situation, WWYD? Suck it up, be the bigger person and call or text to wish them a Merry Christmas and thats it? Save the visit for a later date when things have calmed down and hopefully been talked about? Not do anything and wait for her to call? Idk. Obviously I wouldn't want to keep them from seeing their grandson for Christmas, but TBH, if they still came, it'd be tense...and awkward as fuck.
Not to mention, I havent gotten any sort of apology from her (and probably won't anytime soon, bc she always seems to make things about her and how SHE feels with no regard to how I may be feeling here), so I'm just not up for socializing with her at this moment. Frankly, there's a lot of hurt and anger there since its all still so fresh. I hate to petty around the holidays...but ugh. I just dont even know who she is anymore.
Those of you who so patiently read my post yesterday about the huge blowout my mom and I had, thank you. She said some really hurtful things to me yesterday as a result of her anger, and although I tried my best to "fight fair", it just wasn't happening. She pretty much went for the jugular and then ended the conversation, refusing to really hear my perspective/opinion, leaving me feeling incredibly hurt and really fucking angry. We have not spoken since.
The plan was for her and my step dad to come visit on Christmas day for a few hours to exchange gifts and visit. At this point I have no idea what the plan is or what I even want out of the situation.
If you were in my situation, WWYD? Suck it up, be the bigger person and call or text to wish them a Merry Christmas and thats it? Save the visit for a later date when things have calmed down and hopefully been talked about? Not do anything and wait for her to call? Idk. Obviously I wouldn't want to keep them from seeing their grandson for Christmas, but TBH, if they still came, it'd be tense...and awkward as fuck.
Not to mention, I havent gotten any sort of apology from her (and probably won't anytime soon, bc she always seems to make things about her and how SHE feels with no regard to how I may be feeling here), so I'm just not up for socializing with her at this moment. Frankly, there's a lot of hurt and anger there since its all still so fresh. I hate to petty around the holidays...but ugh. I just dont even know who she is anymore.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wwyd?
Edited because apparently I don't understand how the English language works.
Im not trying to be passive aggressive or anything, but she needs to know that the way she treated me yesterday is most certainly not ok. And this isnt some stupid little catfight that's done and over with after we ignore each other for a few days. Kwim?
After all, even though she's my mom, it doesnt give her carte blanche to walk all over me and then act as if nothing happened.
This is true. But in the same breath, I still feel like she needs to know that she can't spout off nasty, hurtful things to me and then waltz in my house 2 days later to spend time with my kid and shower him with gifts like Grandma of the year and everything is all nice nice again.
I realize her and my argument has nothing to do with her being a good grandma to my kids...but still. It has to do with respect. idk. Maybe my emotions are getting in the way here.
I'm not trying to be trivial and point fingers, but I truly tried my damndest to fight fair and resisted the urge to fight back with unkind words, and all she did was lay into me with some pretty brutal insults. This wasnt like any of our past little spats. This time was different. Her words left a pretty harsh bruise.
But honestly, it's not often she apologizes for things...and with all of the emotional baggage she's got going on right now that she refuses to get help with...I'm not sure when she'd come to the point of actually apologizing, instead of her usual justifying her words with excuses.
Same.
We are actually opting out of going to dinner at my mom's aunt's house just to be around her as little as possible right now. I have literally only missed this dinner one time in my 34 years on this planet and it was because I had a wedding to go to.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
I definitely dont want to look back on this years from.now and be like "oh, remember that Christmas me and my own mother completely ignored each other? Yeah, good times!"
But at the same time, they live 2 hrs away. So if they're going to make the drive, I'd prefer it to be an enjoyable visit, not an obligatory and very awkward one.
So all in all, in terms of possible regret, I think I'd more so end up regretting not acknowledging her on christmas. But if they end up not visiting on Christmas, I'm ok with that.
So I guess its totally a possibility for me to make a quick call/text on Christmas to wish them a merry Christmas, and then offer to have them up to visit DS and exchange gifts with him at another time.
To me, the only leverage an adult child had over their parents is their presence. If you mom is an asshole, don't see her. The whole 'you only have one family' thing only applies if you are dealing with equally companionate/loving family. I would probably email her, tell her how she hurt your feelings, and that for now, the two of your are not going to have a relationship unless she can acknowledge what she said might be hurtful. Be direct and to the point. And leave it be until she comes around. I wouldn't mention anything about your LO unless she brings it up in a return email.
My two cents!
Honestly, ever since my first DS was born almost 2 years ago, I've seen a steady decline in her emotional state. She's become depressed, negative, and angry...and she tends to isolate herself while pushing others away. Shes just jot the same person anymore and it saddens me. While she's admitted to this depressive downward spiral in her life, she's also drowned herself in just enough denial to prevent getting help for it..pointing fingers and placing blame on any person or circumstance she can, to deflect responsibility for her own actions/emotions.
She grew up in a family that held grudges, so when her and family.members would argue, it'd turn into years of no communication with that person. This is obviously a cycle I want to break. I refuse to make my kids suffer the consequences of our currently struggling relationship, but at the same time, its hard to be ok with what transpired yesterday during our argument and I certainly am not going to be her doormat that she unloads her anger onto. This is where my internal struggle comes into play.
What you are describing is a fairly common dynamic between a narcissistic parents and child. Normal loving during childhood, then increasingly more 'difficult' as the child gets older. I really recommend that book if you aren't seeing a therapist. I could talk a lot more about this, but don't have a lot of time right now. And mobile so long paragraphs are tedious :-)
My biggest conflict I have within myself is trying to find a way to break the cycle of negativity/holding grudges that she's so accustomed to, while still being firm enough to get my point across. Kwim? I obviously want her to be involved in my kids' lives as she has been, just not so involved in the stuff that doesnt concern her. I think she's just so used to not having set boundaries, that the concept is foreign and upsetting to her, so she's basically throwing a hissy fit about it, for lack of a better term. It just sucks to feel like she's lost her sense of empathy and regard for how I might be feeling in this situation.
@PrivacyWanted @dovetail223 I will definitely check that book out. Sounds like it may have some really pertinent advice that could benefit me.
Do you have a background in this? I'm certainly open to learning more about all of this and gaining the tools to better myself in the process. Like i mentioned before, its been a big focal point in my therapy sessions lately.And I definitely am interested in checking out that book.
I have experience from the stand point that my mom is you and my grandmother is your mother. I have watched my mom deal with situations exactly like you describe for like 25 years. And it's gotten worse as my GMA has gotten older. She has said some really mean/cruel things to my mom (and me a couple times though most of its directed at my mom). And my mom basically turned the other cheek for a long time. Now she interacts with her a lot less because she gets tired of walking in the mine field. Relationships like this are really challenging and made even more so when they are parent child relationships.
She also just lost her job a few months back (which she was miserable at anyway). But she's already made it clear to all of us and my step dad that she's in no rush to find another job, bc she doesn't want to have to go out to work everyday (like most people have a choice???) But idk. I think her having so much idle time isnt helping matters. She tends to be a loner and doesnt have many friends that she talks to, so I think that put even more pressure on me for a long time tobe her support system/friend. Kwim? But honestly, she's changed so much as a person in the last few years and so have I, that its judt different now. Boundaries and space are a healthy thing for our relationship...but she hasnt quite accepted that yet.
Thank you guys for all your advice and support. It truly means a lot to me. So much love to you guys!!