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Need a little advice for convincing my partner he can still bond with a daughter

khaleesi123khaleesi123 member
in May 2015 Moms
Hi ladies..
So you may have seen me mention this in previous posts. Yesterday I went for my anatomy scan at 19 weeks and got told (not very convincingly) that the baby is a girl. Very healthy very active little bubba.

At first the ultrasound tech said he can't see anything so he thinks it is a girl but only 50/50 sure. Then right at the end he said 80% chance it is a girl but only because he can't see anything. I assume that is good enough odds to say it is a girl.

My problem.. DH is devastated and wouldn't even talk to me about it as much as I tried. I finally had a big cry and he finally talked to me saying he is upset because he was expecting a boy that he teach all his life lessons to, teach boxing etc. and his main problem is that he feels I will bond with her and he won't because we are both girls and he won't have anything in common with her.

My question to the lovely ladies of bump (finally to the point).. How can I convince him that they will bond and it won't be all me? All I had was girls are always daddy's girl and boys are mammas boys but that didn't really do much.
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Re: Need a little advice for convincing my partner he can still bond with a daughter

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  • cassietegtmeiercassietegtmeier member
    If he had his heart set on a boy he might just need to let it sink in and time will help him get over it. I know for some people that are really hoping for one and get the other it can almost feel like a loss to them. I am sorry he is active like this.
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  • khaleesi123khaleesi123 member
    Yeah I think I do just need to let it sink in. I had my heart set on a boy aswell but I knew I'd be happy with a girl too. And @cassietegtmeier‌ yup that was exactly what else he was saying about it being like a loss.. He felt like he knew this little boy, he's personality, what he looked like and now he has been given a new baby he has to get to know all over again. He will learn to love her just as much as the imaginary boy.
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  • mylittleladies1229mylittleladies1229 member
    My little girls LOVE their dad. When he comes home from work he gets what I call the hero's welcome. They run towards him and jump in his arms like he has been away for a month. He rough houses with them, tickling them and throwing them over his shoulder. They actually prefer him to me sometimes which makes me sad.
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  • khaleesi123khaleesi123 member
    @swiftrr‌ I actually was one of the people giving you advice haha I didn't think I would need it too!! I couldn't think of how I could convince him he has other ways to bond but now I know he doesn't need other ways he already can the exact same way.
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  • lgsdesignerlgsdesigner member
    For some reason, a lot of men think this. They think girls will never want to hang with them, can never bond and are not as fun as boys. Well-- me being a tomboy, that is definitely NOT true. I am actually closer to my dad than I am to my mom, and hang with him more than her. Always have, always will.

    I am sure once she is born, this entire story will turn around. He will fall in love with her, and be completely smitten by her. It's only a matter of time. 

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  • swiftrrswiftrr member
    @FreddyisReady‌ that is friggin adorable, even if my DH has sorted himself out I want to send these anyway.
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  • knightmansmamaknightmansmama member
    My husband had the exact same reaction. He compared it to his favorite team losing the Super Bowl. It wasn't the end of the world but he was allowed to be disappointed for a little but. I try not to say much because I know when she's born all his worry about not bonding with her will be for nothing. My best friends husband had this when they found out they were havjngb a girl. That little girl loves her daddy so much. So I just know instinct will take over and once he lays eyes on her, he won't care whether she has girl or boy parts.
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  • MrsPDXMrsPDX member
    edited December 2014
    I will start by saying DH wanted a girl, not a boy, because he always wanted a little daddy's girl. 

    From what I have read and seen, boys attach stronger to their mommas and girls to their daddys. I was always definitely a daddy's girl. Just remind DH of all the amazing moments that come with having a daughter. Such as him taking her to her first father-daughter dance, or him being her hero, walking her down the aisle someday. There is definitely a father-daughter bond that cannot compare to a mother-daughter bond (IMO).

    Even if it takes him a little bit, once he sees that baby girl I am sure he will fall deep in love. 

    Also, you could always play some sappy country music to help, such as "I loved her first"  or "Stealing Cinderella". Those are really sweet songs about dads and their daughters. 

    ETA: words are hard in the morning
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  • beasegbeaseg member
    My husband had these worries too. And now that she's 2.5, we're starting to see ways in which she bonds easier with me. Like she's really into makeup and nail polish and saying "gorgeous". And so he goes with it, and he gets his manicure and he puts on a happy face. But up until now- there were no issues with bonding. Now, though, he just teaches her his stuff too- and bc she's 2 - SHE WANTS TO LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING. So we go hiking and on night walks (puts glowsticks on her and they each grab a flashlight and go looking for night animals and stuff), he teaches her about space and sports and every time we need to change a light bulb- she's there. Home Depot does monthly workshops for kids- she loves it every time she gets to use a hammer. So yeah, it's a little easlier NOW for her to bond with me bc she slips into "girly" things a little easier, but she loves hammers and lightbulbs and watching dad work on the car and finding spiders and other stuff too. So as long as he takes the time to teach her, he'll have that stuff with her, too. Plus- dad is always the one she runs to when she's upset. He's her king. 
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  • clareverclarever member
    nogitron said:

    I can relate to your DH's feelings - this is going to be our last baby (barring an act of God) and I was REALLY hoping for a girl, as I have two DS's already and I would LOVE a chance to buy all the beautiful girly dresses and bows and have someone to pass on all my womanly knowledge to.  

    Cut to last Tuesday's ultrasound - PAPOW, boy parts, loud and clear.  


    I thought I'd be OK with it, "as long as the baby is healthy," but . . . over the course of the week I realized that I was feeling really down about it.  That "someday" daughter that's existed in my mind for . . . my whole life, really . . . will never exist.  There's a whole laundry list of experiences we were going to have together that will never take place.  And it's taking me a little time to let go of her.  I think that's OK.

    And at the same time, I do feel guilty for feeling that way.  This baby is just as much deserving of my love and excitement.  It's not his fault he's a boy, and it's not like he knew I wanted him to be a girl.  But I know that as I get used to the idea of having ALL BOYS (I never even had any brothers!  This has all been new for me!), pick a name, buy some cute new clothes (but not too many, cause I've got tons of hand-me-downs), I'll be just as excited to meet him and will love the heck out of him once he's born!

    If your DH is like me, he just needs some time to get used to the idea.  Don't be too hard on him for not immediately shifting mental gears and being gung-ho Team Pink.  He'll get there, and especially after she's born and he gets to know her and her little personality, I bet he forgets (and denies if you remind him) that he was ever disappointed ;)
    I could have wrote this! We just found out we are having our third boy and this will be our last. I feel so guilty for having these feelings of disappointment. Trying to let it sink in that I'll never get my girl. I know what matters most is a healthy baby and his brothers are so excited to meet him and I'm starting to get more excited everyday but it took a bit.
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  • zbornak123zbornak123 member
    I understand - I dont think i'd use the word "devastated", but DH was for sure hoping for a boy, a small part of me was too.  I have to say I am now very pumped about having a girl. 

    DH did mention that we should sign her up at the rock wall gym because girls make great rock climbers :)  I think its easy to think "girl" and let your mind go straight to make up and homecoming dresses and monthly pms.  He wanted someone he can go climbing, mountain biking, etc with.  Like PPs have said, girls can and do participate in all those things.  I wish more people could look at gender norms and societies stereotypes and view them more with a critical eye.  And just because your daughter might want a prom dress or a pink bow on her birthday cake doesn't mean she will have nothing to talk about with her dad.  

    ok this post was kind of rambling, but you get the idea.  i think part of DH's issue is that he's nervous and scared about fatherhood in general, and having a girl kind of threw him a bit.  
    Myself: 30 Hubs: 30  Married in 2010
    BFP: 9/17/2014 (and 9/18...and 9/19...)
    Estimated Due: 5/22/2015
    First one :)

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  • MrsSmith1140MrsSmith1140 member
    We don't find out the sex of our LO until Jan 6th and to be honest I am more nervous about having a girl than my husband is... I grew up a tomboy and never really got along with my mom or sister and was always a daddies girl.
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  • HeatherC21HeatherC21 member
    OP I feel for you because come Monday when we find out the sex, if it's a girl I will be in the exact same boat as you.

    We could have even found out earlier through the blood test but DH didn't want to know because he wasn't ready to face if it was a girl. I know that he will be okay either way because he really is a loving man, and I'm sure yours is the same way otherwise why would you have married him. He will come around, have faith in him ;)
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  • Snapdragon750Snapdragon750 member
    Also wanted to add: Suggest to your DH that he talk to one of his guy friends or relatives he relates to who has a daughter. It would be much more convincing coming from them.
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  • Ash1103Ash1103 member
    I have zero tolerance for men who are "upset" about having a girl. Having a girl is just as amazing as having a boy. My daughter is the apple of my husbands eye and he has always been thrilled to experience the girly things that she brings to our life. However, she sits curled in his arm to watch football and they get wild and crazy wrestling on the family room floor and they play soccer and catch. At the same time he can sit and play with her princess castle. Boys are just as fun , I'm sure ! We have one on the wAy & we all can't wait to teach him things and play and maybe he'll even play with the castle one day or she can play with Spider-Man stuff. Tell your husband to grow up and enjoy the child he's been blessed with no matter her parts.
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  • amalamaamalama member
    Even if she had been a boy, there's no guarantee that he would have liked boxing or whatever else your DH wanted to do with a son. Or that a girl won't want to learn boxing. My DH and DD (7 years old) are both huge history nerds. Her favorite books are about presidents (just books of facts about presidents, she can tell you the most random trivia). They will sit and watch Netflix documentaries together for hours. I find most of them incredibly boring. That's their thing and they are plenty bonded even though they don't have the same genitalia. DH will also play dolls with her and helps out with Girl Scouts when he can, and goes to gymnastics and dance classes. He found stuff they had in common but also makes an effort to participate in other things she loves.
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  • mpiemontmpiemont member
    It sucks that he is feeling that way- I hope he will come around. She will be daddy's girl. I know plenty of girls/women that are extremely close with their fathers (I'm one of them!).
    image
    DS1 born 4/17/11
    DS2 born 2/22/13
    MMC 5/16/14@8w2d
    DD due 5/9/15 Please be our     RAINBOW

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  • mrsjg2013mrsjg2013 member
    As the first born in the family, I always knew that my dad had wanted a boy first... not sure who told me this or why in the world they told me, but I remember being sad about it when I was a kid.  I really hope your partner embraces his little girl, as I'm sure he will. 
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  • khaleesi123khaleesi123 member
    Thanks guys! He has started to be excited again and is warming up to having a daughter already (thank god).. I think it was the shock factor! I mentioned a lot of the things you ladies have mentioned and I think it helped him break away from the stereotypical way he was looking at it.
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  • HeatherC21HeatherC21 member
    Well we just found out it is a healthy baby girl. DH is really upset. He keeps apologizing and doesn't want to upset me. Logic and my heart tell me everything will be fine and he will love this little girl more than anything. I just don't know what to do or say to help him now. It's almost as if in his mind this was his one chance to have a son and now it's gone.
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  • freespiritedmamafreespiritedmama member
    khaleesi123 said:

    Hi ladies..
    So you may have seen me mention this in previous posts. Yesterday I went for my anatomy scan at 19 weeks and got told (not very convincingly) that the baby is a girl. Very healthy very active little bubba.

    At first the ultrasound tech said he can't see anything so he thinks it is a girl but only 50/50 sure. Then right at the end he said 80% chance it is a girl but only because he can't see anything. I assume that is good enough odds to say it is a girl.

    My problem.. DH is devastated and wouldn't even talk to me about it as much as I tried. I finally had a big cry and he finally talked to me saying he is upset because he was expecting a boy that he teach all his life lessons to, teach boxing etc. and his main problem is that he feels I will bond with her and he won't because we are both girls and he won't have anything in common with her.

    My question to the lovely ladies of bump (finally to the point).. How can I convince him that they will bond and it won't be all me? All I had was girls are always daddy's girl and boys are mammas boys but that didn't really do much.

    My son was a confirmed girl at 16 weeks and at 22 weeks we got the surprise that there was actually a little penis down there. We were told some babies simply develop their sex parts early/late and unless they tell you 100% what the sex is, hold off on the pink and purple. As for your DH and his reaction I'm sorry he handled it that way. All men want a little boy, but I couldn't imagine my DH being disappointed bc it didn't go as he wished. After the initial shock wears off hopefully he will be excited. He will probably bond more with a daughter than a little boy. My daughter loves her daddy and he has learned to bond with her through barbies (Monster High), polishing nails, and wrestling. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she won't like to do boy things. My daughter can fight and wrestle better than most boys her age lol. Good luck, but I would also get a confirmation on the sex as soon as you can.
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