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Single Parents
NYgirl21
member
Advice on unexpected pregnancy, unmarried
NYgirl21
member
I searched for a while to find the appropriate blog to write this in but need to rant and seek some advice. I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly with a man I have been dating on and off for 2 years...I am blessed to be provided this chance to be a mother, something I have always wanted, and despite my fears I am excited- problem is, it's just me and my boyfriend that are excited. I am 30, financially stable, have a great support system around me, he has a good career and means to support me and I know that even if him and I didn't work out, I will be okay as a single mom. When I shared the news, it wasn't the fact that I was pregnant that made certain people turn their backs on me, it was who the father was. My parents can't get past the fact of who the father is enough to be happy for me, my mom cries and tells me she is mourning the life she thought I would have (you know the fall in love, get married, white picket fence, THEN have a child dream), and that they cant be around him for a while. Long story short, my relationship with the father has been rocky and a little volitile...nothing in the form of abuse...but we met each other during difficult times in our lives and he (and myself) on more than one occassion walked out on me when times got tough. We stayed emotionally connected and through all the bumps it brought us a little closer. My parents were there to pick me up, so I can understand and respect their feelings at this point. My feelings however, are that I have seen him grab his life by the horns and get his act together, he wants to be every part of mine and this child's life and he wants to do everything he has failed to do. I don't doubt he loves and cares about me, but I have to take another chance at our relationship to see if it will work for this child and nobody is accepting of that. I have to take a few months to watch this man and see if he can prove he will be the stability and strength I need, and the father I want in my child's life. It is just hard to go through the hormones, and unexpected pregnancy with nobody supporting you. I want to be excited, I want to celebrate... they say I am making a mistake in letting him back in. Maybe I am, but I wont know until I try and deep deep in my heart I know we will get through this and make a strong family through all of this. In a happy perfect world (for my parents), I would have the child and kick this guy out of my life, but I want his support and strength in my life right now despite our past. Im not sure how to get over feeling a sense of guilt or shame for making a decision for myself, that goes against others beliefs.
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Re: Advice on unexpected pregnancy, unmarried
Your decision to stay in this relationship should be based on if you really want to spend your life with this person. Not if he will be a good father or if you should try to make it work for the baby or to show your parents he can be the good guy. Only because you want that relationship.
Secondly, be happy for yourself about this pregnancy. No one celebrated mine pregnancy, I got no baby shower, I got no emotional support from most of my family because they wanted a different life for me. However, they LOVE my child (DS) and love and respect me. My mother refused to be in the same room with my sons father while I was pregnant because she was mad at him for ruining my life. That got old quick.
I didn't stay in the relationship because he wasn't the right person and having a baby showed me what I had not seen previously. Please don't set your expectations to high. I have learned that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Best of luck to you.
Second, you did see you posted this in the single parents forum, right? Cause this kinda feels like your thumbing your nose at us.
Three,
Im not really sure what advice you were looking for but @acbarbour gave you great advice.
That was pretty rude. Thumbing my nose? I am a single mom and I will most likely continue being one until one day that may change when I meet someone, so how is that thumbing my nose at you when I am there. I am new to this and after reading the rules and looking at some others posts I thought my questions or concerns were appropriate, and more appropriate in this category because that is where I am in my life. Maybe I was wrong but in no way was I "thumbing my nose". I don't know why you just woulnd't private message me and explain that you think it was inappropriate, and educate me as I am new here (and I did educate myself on the rules) instead of littering your response with sarcasm and judgement. BUT, cool story bro.
The advice I was looking for was exactly what she said, so I appreciate that.
Its the internet this a.forum you wont always like the responces you get. Oh and qfp
I did not come here to offend, so I appoligize if I did, and I did not come here to post something incorrectly.
I am a single mother struggling with an unexpected pregnancy. Period. End of Story. I wanted to see how others felt if they had an unexpected pregnancy and felt like they wanted to work it out and how it may have turned out. I said boyfriend almost inadvertently as I refered to him as the father of the child prior.
Anyway... thank you for your opinions, even if they are negative. It's better to have an honest enemy than a deceitful friend, right? Hugs to you, have a blessed day.
oh and @MinnesotaMomma91, before you make comments to me, your blog from yesterday in the SINGLE PARENTS forum kinda seems like you are thumbing your nose at "us" also, appears as though you have a boyfiend so that would not make you a single parents according to you? So are you single parent or not?
oh and qfp
MinnesotaMomma91 said:
To me it seems OP is in an on off relationship and weighing the options of staying with him or not for the baby??? What is soooo wrong about her post??
Im a single momma from day 1 and i dont find any of this offensive. With that being said i do not have any advice for you as i have not been in your position but i wish you luck
Sorry, but I side with MinnesotaMomma here. She is definitely a single parent struggling on one income like many of us do. And I agree with her that, based on your own words, you don't really classify as a single parent, even though you're marital status may be that of single. You currently have a relationship with and emotion/financial support from your BD. You aren't on your own, and you don't have to make decisions about your child on your own.
My advice: Live your life for yourself and do what makes YOU happy, not what makes your family/friends happy. You're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every day. Your mom's dream for you was HER dream, not yours.
I post in blended family even though i am technically not blended family is that a crime? What defines a single parent as all of us have different circumstances
Many women including myself have come hear for advice because sometimes its easier to vent to a stranger rather than a loved one. Dont make this forum a place where newcomers dont feel comfortable posting
Thank you @tig594, that is good advice.
I can understand and respect that but I dont think a single parent is solely defined as someone struggling on one salary. Just because the father is supporting financially doesn't mean it will help more, make the situation less hard, or make her less of a single parent. It doesn't mean they are active. Also, I am not receiving financial or emotional support at this point and it's up to me if I want to welcome that, what is better for this baby and myself- one of the reasons I came here was to seek advice. I'm not saying I am disagreeing or upset with what she said, but the harshness and judgement wasn't necessary when at the end of the day we are all fighing our own battles, and coming to these forums for support. We are all in our own unique situations, none worse or better than the others so labeling someone that you don't know or understand is what I don't agree with.
I know how hard it is to be a single parent, my mom was and I know many women who are... I didn't want my first couple posts to be littered with someone labeling me as thumbing others.
@septmom11 I don't think I've shunned anyone. Well, not lately. And it was only that one time.
@NYgirl21 I wish you luck and agree you need to make a decision sooner rather than later about your BD. I would like to point out, though, that witnessing from the front row how hard it was for your mom or friends to be single parent does not mean you really know how hard it is to be one. You may have a good idea, but you won't know how hard it really really is until you've experienced it personally.
OP, I haven't read all of the responses, but if you and this man are committed to each other, or at least to the idea of parenting together, my honest advice is to stop telling your mom/ family memebers intimate details of your relationship.
It's hard to hear bad things about someone during times of rockiness/ fighting and then jump right back on the bandwagon when you reconcile. Maybe start a journal or talk to a friend that is less invested if you need to vent about your boyfriend so that you don't have the same reactions.
Also, this is not a blog-- I see people calling it that from time to time, and that's not what this is. It's a community of women (and some men, I suppose) that give and get support from each other.
Also, it doesn't sound like you are / will be a single mother, so your post confuses me. "Single" doesn't really refer to marital status here. Sure, it can, but it sounds like you are currently wiith the father of your child?
Technically, I am married, but I am in the process of divorce (so, estranged, I guess). Some ladies here have never been married. Some lost their SOs. Some are single parents by choice, but I am pretty sure none of us here are currently "with" our children's fathers- so your post seems a bit out of place.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12