Rant...pregnancy mentioned (not mine.) — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Rant...pregnancy mentioned (not mine.)

About 5 weeks ago I posted a discussion on my boyfriends sister. She announced that she was pregnant 2 weeks after my miscarriage. I've done my best dealing with it but the triggers and the anxiety are getting the best of me. My boyfriends sister, we will just call her "Jane" has struggled with unexplained infertility and had to do invitro to get pregnant. I am happy for her. I'm happy that after all that she went through, invitro worked. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry and not resentful for her announcing 2 weeks after my loss. She had no idea what I went through. I was spotting every other week, I was so confused, worried, anxious, and the whole thing was devastating. Then to top it all off, to see an empty gestational sac confirming my biggest worry was just the icing on top of the cake. I feel selfish because I know she was happy to announce it but seriously? Announcing two weeks when everything is still fresh and I'm not even done cramping and bleeding yet? I told my boyfriend I didn't want to go to Christmas because I didn't want to be around her. It was just too hard. He said that I needed to figure out a quicker way to cope because this was her time and that if I didn't go then it would make all the attention on me and then she wouldn't get to have her attention that she should have but then if I go and act sad then everyone would feel bad. Well I am sorry, but if they were worried about how I would feel at the holidays then maybe they should have waited until they were over to announce but they didn't. So I don't feel as though I should put my feelings into a damn corner to please everyone else. I was going to be 13 weeks this week and we were going to announce our pregnancy but I'm supposed to just forget about that because this is "Janes" time. All this is making me feel like my pregnancy didn't matter because I didn't have to go through in vitro to get pregnant and I feel that if I get pregnant again, my rainbow won't matter because it didn't happen through invitro. When I was laying on the hospital bed getting ready to go back to surgery my boyfriend had mentioned that Jane didn't respond back to him when he told her I miscarried and his mom said "well that's probably because of the things that she's going through." (In vitro.) So my miscarriage doesn't matter because I didn't do invitro? I know that these are all maybe irrational thoughts but I'm just super sensitive. I needed to rant because my boyfriend said he doesn't want to keep reliving something that couldn't be controlled so I can't talk to him about it anymore. Sorry if anyone thinks I'm being a selfish you know what. I'm not trying to undermine jane but I feel like my pain is being minimized and I'm frustrated! It's only been a month :(

Re: Rant...pregnancy mentioned (not mine.)

  • Lots and lots of ::hugs::!!! 
    Me (29) + DH (31) = Married 9 1/2 years
    BFP 11/9/14 - EDD 7/15/15 - natural MC at 8w5d   
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  • I am dealing with a similar situation and trust me, I completely understand how frustrating it can be!!! Don't feel bad venting, we all need to do it. I don't have much advice, and I struggle with this too, but somehow we have to find a way to cope otherwise it will be a LONG 9 months for us! If coming here to vent helps, do it!!! Also know you are not alone and your feelings/thoughts are totally appropriate!! Hugs!
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry your b/f isn't being very supportive. Everyone grieves differently and sometimes that's hard in a relationship.

    As for how you're feeling, it's justified. It's especially hard since you were going to announce during Christmas.

    You have to think about your sanity during this time and I'm not sure how you not going takes away from "Jane". :-/

    I wish I could do something to make it better. We are here if you need to vent!
    I am not sure how to say this without getting a "solicitation" warning so I guess I just say that I am not longer active on THIS site. 

  • Thank you @alovett26‌. *hugs*
    @Nikolie93‌ he says that if I choose not to go then everyone will know why and then everyone will feel bad and not focus on "Jane." :( ughhhh. So basically I should go and sit there and watch her open baby stuff and ya know...not steal her thunder.
  • That makes me kind if ragey that he's dismissing your feelings. I am so very sorry.
    I am not sure how to say this without getting a "solicitation" warning so I guess I just say that I am not longer active on THIS site. 

    [Deleted User]
  • @Nikolie93‌ I'm so very glad you get it! It's like "hallelujah!" Someone gets it. This place and my counselor are the only 2 places that I get understanding. I just don't understand why my family thinks I'm doing something wrong by feeling this way.
  • People that aren't going through it just don't get it sometimes.

    It's not like you had a loss 5 years ago. It's recent and Christmas was a milestone for you to tell your family. I totally get it.
    I am not sure how to say this without getting a "solicitation" warning so I guess I just say that I am not longer active on THIS site. 

  • I am pretty sure anyone who had gone through a loss gets it!!

    Maybe try going for a bit, and then leaving early?! Make a good happy appearance and then dip out the back door quick?!! Haha make sure to have a bottle of wine ready for when you get home!

    Although frustrating, sometimes guys just don't get it. I actually think it's hard for anyone to truly understand unless you have been through it. I know I wouldn't have if I didn't experience it first hand...
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