I've not posted on the Special Needs board before now, though I have been lurking for several months, and am reaching a breaking point. I would love and T&Ps, or any uplifting words from women who have been here. I don't really have any friends to talk to about this. I'm also sorry if this is rambling, long, and incoherent.
My DD1 is 39 months, and has a severe speech delay. When she was screened at 30 months she was scored at 12mo for expressive and 16 for receptive. Her therapist later said those numbers were probably too low, and that DD just tests poorly, but there they stand. We were in therapy through a private SLP for five months before insurance, LAUSD, and a cross country move put a stop to that. I am now slogging against the PA equivalent to get her back into therapy.
She's so far behind, and she is now regressing despite me continuing sessions as well as I can. It causes us to get so angry at her attention seeking. We have a 3mo DD2 and the adjustment would be hard even if DD1 could talk, without it, my world is made of kicking, punching, timeouts, tantrums and chaos. I feel like every bit of advice I get on dealing with toddler attention seeking relies on explaining why it's bad, and having them tell you when they need you, but it isn't an option with her. That just frustrates me more, which she senses and responds to.
DD communicates pretty well non verbally, has a few solid words, up, no, yah, more, ready set go, she can count to five, a few others, but has never said Mama or Daddy or anything like it. And that, more than any number of bruises, is just killing me. I truly think that if DD2 says Mama before DD1 I wont survive it. I really think my heart would just break. I am her mother, and I just can't stop feeling like I've failed her. How do we cope with that guilt when we are hardwired to feel that way about our children? How do I look at her without starting to cry?
Of course this feeling comes and goes, but now, looking at Christmas again, remembering everyone saying last year not to worry, that by this holiday, she'd be fine, I just can't stand it, and next week starts the marathon of holiday meals with the various family members. I have to glue on a smile, and I can't remember how right now. So, any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.