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Parenting
I could really use some support right now. Way tl; dr
Sorry to bug y'all with this BS again, but I really need to get this out somewhere until I can get to my therapist at 3 to get it all out and sorted through in my head.
Talk about awful timing, but my mom and I just had it out...pretty bad this time. Like I'm not sure how our relationship is going to recover at this point, bc a lot of hurtful things were said. If you've read some of my past posts about my mom, you'll know that since my DS was born, our relationship has been a little strained. Shes gotten pretty pushy over the past (almost) 2yrs about bringing up her "concerns" in regards to everyrhing from my DS's health, to sleep habits, to my parenting style.
She always tries to come across in a non confrontational manner, but it almost always comes across very passive aggressive and TIC, which has slowly been grating on my nerves. And it all finally just came out today, in theform of a screaming match.
She told me I'm acting like a hardass and I'm acting pigheaded like my father (an alcoholic asshole), which feels like a straight kick t o the crotch. She said "my difficult personality" has made it hard for her to "be the grandparent to DS and the parent to me that she wants to be" bc I get so defensive when she brings up concerns. Example: he sleeps too much (11-12 hrs at night 1.5-2hrs nap). The remaining "uneveness" of the back of his head from where he had a flat spot/torticollis as a baby (even though he went thru a full course of pt for and its been mostly rectified, but cosmetically is still slightly uneven), which I've already asked 2 different drs and our pt about. His mild gross motor delay bc of benign lower muscle tone that he's in pt for. All stuff that has been rectified (by several specialists) and we regularly check up on with our pedi.
But the cause of our strained relationship is pretty much me, in her opinion. Bc she feels like she needs to "tip toe around mh and I when it comes to her concerns" bc we get defensive. This angers me, bc I feel like she's overstepping boundaries as a grandparent. My parenting choices and my child's medical needs, IMO, are up to MH and I to take care of, not her. Am I wrong in feeling that way? Not to mention, these are all things I've brought up and discussed with our pedi already.
The icing on the cake was when we she told me it saddens her that she doesnt have the welcoming relationship with us that she's dreamt of...and that I will see how it "should've been" when i see the wonderful, warm relationship she has with my brother's baby (my SIL is due in march).
Im sorry to load this shit on here. I'm just really hurt...and angry...and sad. And I'm starting to wonder if it really is me at fault here.
Talk about awful timing, but my mom and I just had it out...pretty bad this time. Like I'm not sure how our relationship is going to recover at this point, bc a lot of hurtful things were said. If you've read some of my past posts about my mom, you'll know that since my DS was born, our relationship has been a little strained. Shes gotten pretty pushy over the past (almost) 2yrs about bringing up her "concerns" in regards to everyrhing from my DS's health, to sleep habits, to my parenting style.
She always tries to come across in a non confrontational manner, but it almost always comes across very passive aggressive and TIC, which has slowly been grating on my nerves. And it all finally just came out today, in theform of a screaming match.
She told me I'm acting like a hardass and I'm acting pigheaded like my father (an alcoholic asshole), which feels like a straight kick t o the crotch. She said "my difficult personality" has made it hard for her to "be the grandparent to DS and the parent to me that she wants to be" bc I get so defensive when she brings up concerns. Example: he sleeps too much (11-12 hrs at night 1.5-2hrs nap). The remaining "uneveness" of the back of his head from where he had a flat spot/torticollis as a baby (even though he went thru a full course of pt for and its been mostly rectified, but cosmetically is still slightly uneven), which I've already asked 2 different drs and our pt about. His mild gross motor delay bc of benign lower muscle tone that he's in pt for. All stuff that has been rectified (by several specialists) and we regularly check up on with our pedi.
But the cause of our strained relationship is pretty much me, in her opinion. Bc she feels like she needs to "tip toe around mh and I when it comes to her concerns" bc we get defensive. This angers me, bc I feel like she's overstepping boundaries as a grandparent. My parenting choices and my child's medical needs, IMO, are up to MH and I to take care of, not her. Am I wrong in feeling that way? Not to mention, these are all things I've brought up and discussed with our pedi already.
The icing on the cake was when we she told me it saddens her that she doesnt have the welcoming relationship with us that she's dreamt of...and that I will see how it "should've been" when i see the wonderful, warm relationship she has with my brother's baby (my SIL is due in march).
Im sorry to load this shit on here. I'm just really hurt...and angry...and sad. And I'm starting to wonder if it really is me at fault here.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I could really use some support right now. Way tl; dr
I doubt she's going to have a great relationship with your brother's kid because of both her issues and your SILs own issues. I don't have any advice on how to fix it or if it's even worth fixing but I don't think you're doing anything wrong by not letting her dictate how you parent your son.
And wtf is wrong with 11-12 hours if sleep and 1.5-2 hour nap? That's my almost 2 year old's schedule and I think it's perfect and developmentally appropriate.
Harry Styles = Life Ruiner
There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
Without you I'll never make it out alive
But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing
It just sucks...it feel like her and I have been at this going round and round since DS1 was born...and I guess when you have an issue thats been at a stalemate for so long, ypu start to question everything, and wonder if theres a better way to deal with it.
Idk why she feels the need to make this about her. The way I parent my kid has nothing to do with her. I guess its just her nature? She was always a super involved parent, so maybe now she feels like she should be more involved in her grandsons life? Idk.
But like many of you said, her opinion of a grandparent's role is warped. I've tried many times to get her to understand that in a gentler, less confrontational manner..mand she doesnt seem to get it. So I guess this just needed to happen. Sucks that it had to happen now.
Bc you're right...and its true. We dictate how the people around us treat us.
I could have written a lot of the things you posted about my mother and I, and her constant jabs at my "parenting style".
Yes, you are allowed to decide how to parent your child. Not sure if your mom cares for your LO at all (while you work or if she babysits from time to time) but you are so within your right to explain how you want your child to be taken care of. If she is unable to do so, she has to tell you and then you have to find other arrangements for his care.
It's so disrespectful to make comments like that, really.
If she does not watch your LO-- just maybe let this blow over a bit. I know you are due with #2 soon, so maybe ride out the rest of your pregnancy with little/ minimal contact.
Good luck-- I totally can empathize and sympathize here.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
The fact that her and my step dad have helped us a lot financially lately (I.e. just buying things for the house/DS1/the baby as needed) is irrelevant I guess, but she did feel the need to hold that over my head and make a rude comment about how maybe she needs to "let me be a big girl and work it out" instead of helping us, but whatever. Even in the midst of our argument, I made damn sure to let her know how much I appreciate her help & I'd never want to come across ungrateful, but she wasnt hearing it. Shes not one to fight fair.
~*~*~You're Such A Pretty Melody, I'm Just Another Tattooed Tragedy~*~*~
But this...this is just ridiculous.
Do you think some counseling for you two could help? Your mom is really being unfair to you. You are the mom & you make the rules. Backseat parenting drives me nuts.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Probably where I get my "type a" personality, ha. This is something I've really been working on lately. Can't control everything in life. I can only control the way I react to it!
So like you said, as much as it sucks, I really just need to draw the line in the sand. She needs to be my mom and my kids' grandmother...and that's that. Its now gotten to the point of her meddling in business that isnt her own and although she's my mom and I love her...its not ok. This just isn't her place.
This is something I'm working on, with the help of MH and my counselor (and the awesome support I have from you guys!). As much as I know that Change is VERY POSITIVE thing, it's still difficult to make the transition. Welp...here's to a new year! And all thw changes that come with it I guess, right?
I had a really good session with my counselor yesterday who basically reinforced what all of you said. This situation between my mom and I has been a long time coming. it needed to happen. Its unfortunate that she's doing so much deflecting of her own issues/emotional baggage that she cant even see through the fog enough to recognize her faults in this...but honestly, I can only hope that she takes the time to look inward and start taking the steps necessary to get herself the help she needs (for her untreated depression and other emotional issues that i wont get into).
I'm just really hurt. And really fucking angry that she'd have the nerve to say such nasty, berating things to her own daughter. The woman I spoke to and argued with yesterday was unrecognizable. Certainly not the mom that I know and remember raising me.